There is a survey on the Internet: When you are old, what is the most regrettable thing? Among the top three, the first and second were "not working hard enough when I was young, and I chose the wrong career when I was young", while the third place was "regretting that I did not educate my children properly".
Indeed, whether or not the children are properly educated or not, it is not felt at a certain time, and by the time they can feel it, they are likely to have tasted the bitter fruit. In real life, those who make people feel bitter are either depressed, suicidal, and running away from home, or children and parents cannot communicate well, or even become enemies.
Many parents lament that even though they have recognized the importance of educating their children, they are still counterproductive because they are not lawless. So, how do we properly educate our children, and what kind of discipline is really effective?
The answer to the book "Positive Discipline" that we share with you today is just like the title: Positive Discipline, and its core is to cultivate self-disciplined, responsible, cooperative and problem-solving children through a discipline method that neither punishes nor arrogantly, is kind and firm.
The book's author, Jane Nelson, is a prominent psychologist and educator and founder of the Positive Discipline Association of America. She is a mother of 7 children, has studied child rearing and development issues for many years, and is a well-deserved expert in disciplining children.
This book, from how to win the cooperation between children and parents, to the elimination of power struggles between adults and children, shows us that we can cultivate good qualities that benefit children for life with a positive discipline method that is not punishable and not arrogant. Since its first edition in 1981, it has been translated into 16 languages and has sold more than 6 million copies in the United States and beyond.
Today we will share the three key contents of the book, namely: on the basis of respecting children, maintain a kind and firm attitude; change the old habit of punishing children, encourage focus on solving problems; and first discipline yourself positively to cultivate better children.
Many times, in the discipline of children, especially when children are working against their parents, parents either choose to punish their children, feeling that they must suffer a little to remember the lessons, or choose to satisfy their children, so that children have problems such as arrogance and poor resistance.
These two methods are not conducive to cultivating children's sense of belonging and value. You know, many children behave in question precisely because they lack a sense of belonging and value. The root of positive discipline is that neither punishment nor arrogance, but kindness and firmness, while respecting children, but also respecting themselves and respecting the present.
Suppose, the child is talking back to the parents, a kind and firm way to deal with it is to first "actively pause" and find a way to make each other feel better, and the parents can say to the child: "Do you think it would be better to go to your happy corner?" Or the parents walk away on their own, whether it's listening to music, having a big meal, or reading a humorous book, and come back later to discuss how to solve the problem.
This separation, not a lockdown or a cold war, is to calm both sides down and feel better before solving the problem. We can say to the child, "Baby, I'm sorry to make you angry. Mom respects your feelings, but can't accept what you just did. I love you, and when you feel like you can respect me, just tell me and I'll be happy to work with you to find a solution. ”
It can be seen that the author Jane Nelson attaches great importance to respect, because she has proved in practice that when adults pay attention to maintaining the dignity of children and have a firm attitude, children will soon understand that unreasonable teasing will not achieve the desired results, which will motivate them to change their behavior while maintaining self-esteem. Only such autonomous change will allow children to grow into a self-disciplined, responsible, cooperative and problem-solving child.
The book also gives some common phrases of "kindness and firmness", such as: I know you can change the terms of respect for people; we will talk about it later, it is time to get in the car; we are leaving the store now and coming back tomorrow; I care about you and will continue to talk when we can respect each other...
Parents want their children to have good character, and the main way to cultivate these qualities is hidden in daily interactions with their children. Among them, punishment and arrogance are certainly not achievable, while kindness and firmness can be achieved. Parents will find that children develop these qualities when they are actively involved in positive discipline that respects each other, cooperates, and focuses on problem solving.
Many parents believe that punishment is a very effective form of discipline. In the short term, it seems to be, but in the long run, it will cause psychological trauma to the child, large and small. Studies have shown that children who are often punished either become extremely rebellious or obedient out of fear.
Regarding the long-term consequences of punishment, author Jane Nelson summarizes 4 "Rs": Resentment, Revenge, Rebellion, and Retreat. When these negative emotions are hidden in the subconscious, it is difficult for a child to form a positive personality, and in the long run, it will fall into a vicious circle. The best way to eliminate bad behavior in children is not to punish, but to find a positive way to help children find a sense of belonging and worth.
At this time, parents can look at the problem from a different perspective and take the mistake as a good opportunity to learn. Parents can say to their children, "You made a mistake, that's great! What can we learn from this? The reason why we say "we" here is because most of the mistakes children make are hard for parents to blame. Children benefit when they first see mistakes as opportunities, not bad things, and can guide their children on a journey to solve problems.
How do you find a solution to the problem? Jane Nelson gives "4 steps to win child-friendly cooperation": the first step is to express an understanding of the child's feelings; the second step is to express sympathy for the child, not forgiveness; the third step, to tell the child how you feel; and the fourth step, to let the child focus on solving the problem. A communication between Mrs. Ness and her daughter confirmed these 4 steps very well.
The daughter came home from school and complained that the teacher was yelling at her in front of the class. At first, Mrs. Ness habitually asked her daughter what she had done, otherwise the teacher would not have yelled at the students for no reason, and at this time, the daughter did not want to pay attention to her mother. Mrs. Ness realized the problem and changed her attitude.
She first expressed her sympathy for her daughter in a friendly tone; then, recalling her experience of being yelled at by the teacher when she was in elementary school, feeling humiliated and angry at the time, to express sympathy for her daughter; finally, when her daughter was interested, Mrs. Ness asked if she could think of a way to avoid this embarrassment from happening again, and the daughter thought happily.
Without accusation, humiliation, preaching, or punishment, the daughter took the initiative to reflect on how to solve the problem in a pleasant state. The daughter was able to do this because her mother created a sense of support for her, rather than accusations and justifications.
Author Jane Nelson often says: Where do we get the absurd idea that if we want to make a child do better, we must first make him feel worse? In fact, children only develop the good qualities that their parents want if they have healthy self-esteem; when children are always punished, scolded, not respectfully involved in the experience of problem solving, and do not have the opportunity to practice the skills that should be good qualities, they cannot have those good qualities.
In fact, think about it, many times, when we discipline children, even if we already know that the excellent way is very good and effective, we will still involuntarily use the familiar way, such as punishment, scolding, at this time we must reflect, the need for positive discipline is not only the child, but also ourselves.
In fact, many of the child's problem behaviors can be changed, provided that the parents change themselves first. However, in real life, many parents ignore their own problems and desperately demand their children.
For example, complaining that children play with mobile phones after school and do not write homework, parents do not often hold mobile phones in the sofa; always teach children to obey, self-discipline, but can not control their own irritability. Makarenko, a famous educator in the Soviet Union, said, "The requirements of a parent for himself, the respect of a parent for his family, and the attention of a parent to every behavior of himself are the primary and most important educational methods." ”
Author Jane Nelson believes that what parents do is never more important than how they do it. When we want to discipline our children effectively, we can first ask ourselves: Do I abide by the principles of kindness and firmness? Am I going back to the old path of punishment? Because, when we discipline in the wrong way, it is difficult for children to give back a good result.
The author gives an example of his own. One day, she came back from a business trip and found that the kitchen sink was full of dirty dishes, and began to be irritable: "We didn't say that we had already agreed that everyone would put their own dishes in the dishwasher." Why is it that as soon as I am absent, no one obeys? "Everybody retorts that they didn't do it themselves. She had to shout, let's have a family meeting and decide what to do about it!
At this time, the author realized that she had returned to the old way of discipline, and she decided to change direction. Took the whole family out to eat pizza, and had a family meeting by the way, only to find a solution, not to blame anyone. She joked that there must have been a ghost who had put the dirty dishes in the pool. The children, in a cheerful mood, proposed that each person serve as a "cook" two days a week to clean up the dirty dishes. The truth is that when children come up with solutions on their own, they are willing to comply, and there are very few dirty dishes in the pool.
The author's approach tells us that many of the problems in children are actually answered by parents. Only when parents first walk on the right path of discipline will the child follow the right path. When parents are willing to examine themselves first, constantly improve themselves and grow, the child will also change in a subtle way, in a good direction, once it goes well, it will be found that the child is actually not so difficult to discipline.
The book "Positive Discipline" mainly introduces the way of positive discipline. The secret to teaching us to discipline children effectively is to respect them and maintain a kind and firm attitude; to avoid always punishing children, it is important to encourage a focus on problem solving; and to discipline ourselves head-on first to produce better children.
In the face of our children, we must make decisions on the basis of respecting the children and respecting themselves, and be kind and firm in parallel; when the child makes mistakes, realize that although the punishment is effective in the short term, it will cause trauma to the child in the long run, and parents can take the mistake as an opportunity to learn, win the child's cooperation, and solve the problem together; in order to effectively discipline the child, the parents must first discipline themselves positively, and make a good example for the child, and the child will become the child that the parents hope.
In fact, disciplining children is an art, hard and soft, the emphasis is on the pursuit of proportion and moderation. On the basis of respecting children, flexibly using positive discipline tools, turning preaching into invisible inspiration, turning punishment into silent moisturizers, skillfully solving problems, using a little brain, and using a little wisdom, children will return to us with ten times better.
Li Ka-shing said: "No matter how successful a person's career is, he cannot make up for the shortcomings of failing to educate his children!" "A child is a seed, and under different disciplines, it will bear different fruits." Parents, as sowers, only by providing good soil and correct discipline can they cultivate a child with good character that parents expect.
Take action, instead of regretting it in the future, we should change our discipline from now on and live up to the relationship between parents and children in this life.
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I am [He Xin Parent-Child Diary]
Beijing Normal University family education instructor, focusing on parent-child sharing.
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