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Theme: What can philosophy bring us?
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How to deal with the relationship with parents
Q: Everyone wants to be loved, but they all want to be free and realize their ideals, so there will be some conflict with their parents. What I want to ask is, what if you really want to do your own thing and have conflicts with your parents?
Zhou Guoping: The communication between children and parents is a matter of both sides, and your parents are also responsible. When the child is small, the responsibility of the parents is greater, and when you grow up, you can be more proactive yourself. I don't know what the problem with your communication is? This is a common problem between parents and children in China, with too little communication and a lack of atmosphere for equal discussion of issues. I think you can try to take the initiative to talk to them, seek common ground while reserving differences, and slowly form such an atmosphere at home, okay?
Q: I envy your daughter, when I was young, I had less communication with my father, I felt more terrible, and now that I am older, I don't like to talk to him about anything, for fear that he is worried. I would like to ask, is it not right not to tell his parents about his recent situation because he is afraid that his parents are worried?
Zhou Guoping: If I were your father, I would definitely like you to tell me. When the father is generally such a psychology, the child grows up, especially the daughter, especially hopes that the father and daughter can talk and be close friends. Perhaps because of the habits of Chinese families, or personal character, or face, fathers are often not particularly active. However, I believe that he is expecting there, and the father will actually have this kind of expectation. So, you have to take the initiative. I tell you a secret, as the child grows up, the communication between parents and children, the initiative will more and more pass into the hands of the children, growing to the age of yours, the initiative is already in your hands. So, you might as well take the first step and give it a try, I'm sure your father will be happy.
Q: Some people are abused by their parents when they are young, such as scolding, accusations, and belittling, which causes great psychological problems and has a lot of resentment towards their parents when they grow up.
Zhou Guoping: Some parents in China demand absolute obedience from their children, the so-called obedience, scolding if they do not obey, leaving trauma in their children's hearts. To eliminate resentment and tolerate parents, it is necessary to have a relatively high foothold, and realize that parents were dominated by wrong ideas when they did this, or because of heavy life burdens, personal situations and other reasons, so they should sympathize with them, not resentment.
Q: I am a female student in Hefei, who just graduated this year. Although my parents did not put me under financial pressure, I had little spiritual care since I was a child, often quarreled, and my family was not harmonious, which made me want to escape. What I said didn't work, and I often cried secretly alone, only to read your books to comfort myself, especially those about family affection and education. I know they love me too, but I don't know how to make my family better, and I want to have a happy and loving family. Will I go home after graduation, or will I leave the family alone? Please give me some advice.
Zhou Guoping: The family is not harmonious, do you want to leave home and become independent? I think that whether the family is harmonious or not, you should have a process of alienation and then regression at your age. This is psychological weaning, you are going to start to walk the road of life independently, this time it is best to try to exclude the negative from the family - often positive and negative uncertainty - interference. My daughter is now in college, she is very independent, she broke into the world on her own, I may not understand some of her specific practices, but support her overall pursuit. You want to make your family better, I know your feelings, you might as well recommend your parents to read the books you mentioned about family and education, and maybe they will be inspired. However, they are adults after all, and you can only influence them as much as you can, how much you can influence, and you can rest assured that you can do your best.
Q: I've been reading your books since high school, until now college is almost over, like meeting a close friend. You wrote in your biography that your father had some slight domestic violence, beat your sister and brother, and you always walked out of the house with a book in silent protest. In fact, my father is more than enough, my brother and I are not spared, the adolescence in high school is the time when I have the most conflicts with my father, quarrels and violence are full of my family, and I was extremely distressed at that time. Even during a winter vacation the year before, when my father beat my dog for no reason, I was suddenly stimulated to hold him and not let him beat the dog, and then went crazy to accuse me of being beaten by him when I was a child, and my father responded to me angrily, saying that he beat me to educate me and be good to me, and when I grew up, my wings hardened and I was beaten again. After this incident, I felt that I and my father were not in the same world at all, unable to communicate, and he did not understand how much domestic violence hurt me. Fortunately, I met you, so that I did not go to the extreme, through reading your book, I understand that we need a high perspective to see ourselves and all our own encounters in the world, I saw that my father was also a victim of domestic violence when he was a child, and he became what he is now, and he has a lot less empathy and resentment towards him. However, the gap between me and my father is difficult to resolve, and I am now confused about how to get along with my father.
Zhou Guoping: Reading my book, you feel that you have met a close friend, which is really good, I think it is the best state you can have after reading my book. You do have the experience, for example, that in the face of a violent father, you can stand on a high place and watch what happened to him and yourself, so you did not go to extremes. But you're still confused about how to get along with your father, and my advice is to do your best and go with the flow. Do your best because he is your father and you have to help him. In fact, the victims of violent personality and domestic violence also include himself, and even himself in the first place, so that he has lost some valuable values in life, such as a quiet and joyful mood, a harmonious family atmosphere, and the love of his children.
You might as well try writing to him, or have a deep conversation with him, and in the presence of your sincerity, the shelf he is holding may be put down. After doing his best, you have to go with the flow, because after all, he is another person, another soul, and whether he can change or not, how much he can change, is not something you can decide. No matter how intimate the relationship is, including parent-child relationship, husband and wife relationship, do not forget an important truth, that is, everyone is an independent soul, so that the affection is much simpler, will not be forced on others, will not force themselves to others to do the unattainable. Violent tempers are difficult to change, especially by persuasion, often by solid lessons or the tempering of the years. There is only a limit to what you can change, and it is estimated that age will make him milder. You see Socrates, he was so intelligent that he could not change his wife's violent temper, so he held a tolerant and ridiculous attitude towards him. In the face of the immutable shortcomings of our loved ones, we should all learn from the philosopherly demeanor of Socrates. Otherwise, what else can you do?
How to live your life the way you like
If you don't know what you want, don't know what you should do, read those good books, communicate with those great souls and the wisdom of the sages, and give yourself a good foundation to cultivate your own concentration in the world.
Teacher Zhou specially invited famous artists, in the 5 classics, taste life together, grow themselves, scan the above picture QR code, you can listen ~ ~
Today's good book recommendation
If Tolstoy represented the breadth of Russian literature, then Dostoevsky represented the depth of Russian literature. Mr. Lu Xun commented that Tuoshi was "the great interrogator of the human soul."
Today, I recommend Toshi's literary masterpiece "Crime and Punishment", especially for those who have experienced suffering and choices, the more you feel about life, the more "Crime and Punishment" can touch your soul.
The book is about a law student who dropped out of school due to poverty and killed an old woman who was heinous, but the college student thought he was "doing the way for Heaven." Therefore, he used the logic of seeming justice to escape the sins he committed, and "Crime and Punishment" wrote about the entire mental process. Who has the right to condemn others? Who is qualified to enforce the "penalty"?
Classic masterpieces like "Crime and Punishment" may be a book that many people "want to see, but dare not read", you may need a version that can give you a more relaxed reading experience, I have this "Crime and Punishment" in my hand, adding an original character relationship map, which can help you sort out the complex character relationship. It is also a translation of the senior authority, which is very good.
Many times, we read not simply to pass the time, but also to explore the heart and listen to the voice of human nature. It is no exaggeration to say that only "Crime and Punishment" is thoroughly written, and everyone knows but dare not talk about the dark side of human nature.