Dr. Huang Weiren | Two Basic Psychological Needs That Influence the Development of Marriage (Part I)

Text | Dr. Huang Weiren

Editor's Note:

Recently a family member participated in an intimate trip with a small group demonstration class and asked Robert the reference in the intimate trip course. How to explain "commitment" in Steinberg's "three elements of love" (i.e., passion, intimacy and friendship, commitment and commitment). In response, Xiaobian's response is: "Commitment to commitment (and commitment) is the kind of commitment that does not give up and keeps promises." When we first entered the marriage, even if we did not swear that "whether we are poor or rich, sick or healthy, we will love and respect each other and never abandon each other until death separates us", there will be a promise such as "the sea is rotten, and this heart will never change", right? Both parties who entered the marriage embarked on the journey of marriage with the desire to grow old and stay together for a lifetime.

However, what are the two basic psychological needs of both husband and wife during this journey? How will these two major needs affect the development of marriage and the relationship between husband and wife? How can this long-term relationship be a way to enjoy each other's company instead of being patient in order to keep a promise? Let's listen to Dr. Huang Weiren, a well-known clinical psychologist and developer of the "Intimate Journey" course, explain to us how the husband and wife are affected by these two basic psychological needs, like the first three years of infants and young children, through the "symbiotic period", "individualized period", and enter the "integration period".

We have two basic psychological needs. One is "relatedness and attachment," which is to establish an intimate relationship with people; the other is the opposite of "self-definition," which is to seek "Who am I?" ”。 Throughout life, these two "needs" constantly alternately emerge, and even influence the development of the marital relationship. Generally speaking, the husband and wife must also go through the "symbiotic period" and "individualized period" similar to the growth process of infants and young children in the first three years before they can move towards maturity and enter the "integration period".

Symbiosis Stage

In the early stage of love, both parties need each other's unconditional love and acceptance, so they strive to show their best side and please each other. At this time, the attention of both sides is focused on the similarities between the two people, and they do not face the differences between each other, so that there is often the illusion that the other party and themselves are "made in heaven". Therefore, when the two are together, they have a pulse of affection and stare at each other, just like the love and pity between mothers and babies. When separated, there will also be separation anxiety between the baby and the mother, wishing that the two can be together every minute and every second.

Children before the age of three often appear happy, lively, free and creative in front of their mothers. Knowing that they are fully accepted and loved, they are able to try new things and explore the outside world.

Couples in love have similar hallucinations. Originally shy, introverted men, in front of their lovers, will present themselves as "protectors" and show masculinity; women who have always been decisive and assertive will show a gentle and considerate side to their lovers. Love inspires the best side of each other and makes people feel reborn. Both parties live in the dream of love, sweet and sweet, very pleasant. Almost all couples go through this "symbiotic" stage.

Preparation before entering marriage

I think this may be a sweet phase that God has specially prepared for those who are about to enter into marriage. Just as a rocket must have a special driving force when it leaves the atmosphere, it does not need as much fuel after rushing up, and it can sail automatically. Let us quickly save more "money" in each other's emotional accounts through love, save more surplus grain, and lay the foundation of sweet love. When the "famine year" comes and the marriage begins to experience various difficulties, the "food" stored can be used to make the two people willing to tolerate each other and adapt together to survive all storms and crises.

During the symbiosis period, God seems to intend to let the lovers watch the trailer first, know how beautiful the mature marriage is, taste the taste of heaven on earth, and then take away the beauty. Then, each couple goes through the discipline of the wilderness road and learns the art of love, so that they can enjoy a rich and sweet marriage relationship.

I have seen some couples who have not gone through the stage of passionate love, but after marriage, they can tolerate each other, treat each other with kindness, establish friendship, and their marriage can gradually enter a beautiful state. The worst thing is that they do not love each other before marriage, they are tasteless, abandoned or married due to other factors, and after marriage, the two do not learn to love each other and do not cultivate feelings, but constantly complain and accuse. This kind of congenital deficiency, acquired disorder of the couple, the highest chance of becoming a resentful couple.

Lovers in the state of your non-neon and sweet symbiosis seem to have unlimited tolerance for each other, but unfortunately, this state of hot love is difficult to last. If there is no external interference (such as parents objecting, forcing them to break up), the two rarely go more than two years and still be like glue. Under normal circumstances, when lovers make a lifelong promise to each other, the enthusiasm will gradually cool. Many people like love stories such as Romeo and Juliet, Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai, probably because in real life, it is difficult to find the kind of love that is rotten, hot and vigorous.

Passionate love makes people unable to distinguish between each other

A healthy love relationship does not always stay in a symbiotic period. Just as mature parents do not always encourage their children to depend on each other, do not allow them to grow up, do not allow them to leave themselves and become independent. If love remains in a symbiotic state, it will become a stagnant backwater and produce many problems. If the two have been in this invisible difference, "the whole world is only you and me", each other will not only feel more and more insecure in their hearts, but also because they can't find the space for independent development, there will be a "suffocation feeling".

A common phenomenon of "enmeshment" in the symbiosis period is that the emotions of the two people are completely entangled and unable to distinguish each other's feelings. In other words, lovers in the symbiotic period, seeing each other smile and feeling happy, they will unconsciously follow up with happiness. When the other party is in a bad mood and does not smile, their emotions are immediately infected, and they are sad, thinking that they have done something wrong, and the other party is blaming themselves. This inability to distinguish between "whether it is your feelings or my feelings" is caused by the lack of psychological boundaries between people.

During the symbiotic period, due to the lack of true security, the two consciously or unconsciously hope that each other's thoughts, intentions, and feelings are the same as their own. Moreover, subconsciously, only the other party is allowed to show positive emotions, and the other party is not allowed to have negative emotions.

Like babies, they hope that at all times the other person will appreciate themselves with a motherly look and smile at themselves, while at the same time not allowing the other person to be in a bad mood. When the other person is unhappy, he is anxious. In order to return to the state of sweet symbiosis as soon as possible, either try to show joy as much as possible, whisper and try to please the other party, or get angry, forcing the other party to quickly put away the sadness, greet each other with a smile, and compensate yourself.

This is like a symbiotic baby, when she sees her mother unhappy and does not get the love she needs from her mother, she either becomes particularly obedient and tries to win her mother's favor with good behavior, or she plays a temper to punish her mother, forcing her to put away her displeasure and quickly change back into the smiling "good" mother.

The process of psychological growth affects personality development

In the early stages of personality development, babies often think that the "good object" with a smile and can meet the needs is two different mothers, and the "bad object" with an angry face, punishment, and not immediately meeting the needs. This black-and-white dichotomy of thinking is a necessary process in the process of personality development.

When the baby grows up slowly, if there is no obstacle to psychological growth, when he enters the "object constant", he will re-integrate and accept the fact that "good mother" and "bad mother" are the same mother. If an obstacle occurs in the process of psychological growth, and the child fails to complete this extremely important integrated development task, after growing up, it is easy to have a tendency to "black and white dichotomy" psychologically.

He tends to be dogmatist, blind spots, overconfident, and oversimplifying things. Before failing to understand others in depth, they use the extreme "dichotomy" to classify people as good and bad; judging others, "wearing hats" and "labeling" for others, always thinking that they are right and others are wrong. Such people are full of pride, difficult to get along with, and often cause many problems in society.

Most normal couples can enter the individualized period from the symbiotic period. The period of differentiation and reconciliation in the stage of individuation is the most critical stage in the development of the relationship between husband and wife. If the relationship between husband and wife can pass the challenge of "differentiation" and "reconciliation", they can enter the integration period and enjoy a rich and sweet marriage relationship.

If the test of "individuation" cannot be passed, the relationship between husband and wife may degenerate and return to the symbiotic period, or it may deteriorate from the state of "sweet symbiosis" to the state of "hostile symbiosis".

II. Individuation

When men and women are engaged to each other for life, they feel that the relationship is relatively stable, and they will gradually reveal their true face to each other. Deep in the human heart there is a desire for the loved one to fully accept himself as he really is. During the symbiosis period, only the other person's favorite part is revealed, and there is more or less doubt in the subconscious: "Does he really love me?" ”

Until the question is answered positively, the heart will not feel satisfied. It's just that the other party is too good for himself during the symbiosis period, and after he begins to be individualized, he unconsciously shows the true self to the other party, hoping that the other party can even accept the part of himself that was originally hidden and less beautiful. The problem is that people are really incomplete, and according to human nature, they will only ask the other party to fully accept themselves, but they cannot accept the other party unconditionally. When husband and wife live together for a while and see each other's true faces, they will wake up from the dream state of love, which is called "disillusionment".

Differences and conflicts arise after marriage

There was a couple whose pre-marital wife admired her husband's calm, slow and methodical way of speaking, and felt that he was really "steady, wise, and secure." After marriage, he complained: "Lifeless, no interest at all." And he couldn't stand his slow speech, and kept forcing him: "Speak fast, say fast, it's really a hurry." ”

Before marriage, the husband loves his wife's lively extroversion and cleverness; after marriage, the husband complains: "Why is she so talkative?" How can I make friends with anyone? Why is she so emotional and doesn't make any sense? ”

During the individuation period, the cognitive processes of the two people seem to have undergone a 180-degree change. What used to be sensitive only to the similarities between the two sides now focuses only on the differences between the two; the differences that used to be mutual attraction have now become intolerable shortcomings.

People are really very contradictory, subconsciously longing for the lover who has his own "shadow personality", can awaken the "shadow personality" that has been suppressed by himself for a long time, so that his personality is more abundant and complete; but when we really see our "shadow personality", it is so unfamiliar that we feel that our safety is seriously threatened.

In fact, the emergence of this difference represents that the relationship between the two has gone one step deeper. Without going through the stages of difference and conflict, the two cannot establish a real relationship. The more immature the person, the more unable to tolerate differences, respect others, try to see things from someone else's point of view; the more they force their spouses to act in the same way as themselves, so that some trivial things, such as whether toothpaste should be squeezed from the middle or from the bottom, can also become a cause for quarrels.

(To be continued.) This article is adapted from dr. Huang Weiren's book "There is still a blue sky outside the window")