Everyone is an individual, and getting too close to anyone is a disaster, even if they are as close as a couple.
Shu Ting wrote in "To the Oak Tree":
"We share the cold tide, the wind and thunder, the thunderbolt; we share the fog, the flowing blue, the neon, as if we are separated forever, but we are dependent on each other for life."
As partners, although they rely on each other, they should also be independent of each other, and the two people have their own space, which is the most beautiful way to get along in marriage.
Two people are married and have the closest relationship in the world, but it does not mean that they will be together all the time like a hot love or honeymoon period.
1
Good marriages have a "sense of distance"
After marriage, the freshness and passion will be slowly consumed by trivial things such as chai rice oil, salt, sauce and vinegar in life.
The person who used to be perfect in every way will be annoyed with the other party when he sees the other party dangling in front of his eyes over time.
The more intimate the relationship, the easier it is to cause contradictions, after all, people are pampered and spoiled.
At this time, the two people retain their own independent space, which can wrap a layer of plastic wrap for the marriage.
The marriage of Liu Jialing and Liang Chaowei is a good model.
In life, it is always Liu Jialing who takes care of Liang Chaowei and takes on family responsibilities.
Many people say that Liang Chaowei is not suitable for marriage, because he is too romantic and too idealistic, and marriage is composed of trivial things of chai rice oil and salt.
On the "We Are Coming" variety show, Liu Jialing said that Liang Chaowei is the kind of person who carries a suitcase the next moment of home decoration, and calls back in a few days to ask "is the decoration done".
However, in the face of such a dashing partner, Liu Jialing always said that he was happy and that he decided.
She respects and understands Liang Chaowei's lifestyle more than anyone, and she knows that the other party is a person who needs a sense of security.
Liang Chaowei is introverted but not good at socializing, and does not like to try new things, while Liu Jialing likes to be lively and social, and will invite many friends to play at home.
Liang Chaowei does not like to participate, but he will also praise: "She is very lively I will not, her hilarity is so funny I like it." ”
Liang Chaowei likes to be quiet, likes to stay at home, likes to stay in a one-person world, and sometimes rises in the middle of the road to take a car to the airport, fly to the Paris Tower to feed the pigeons, and return to Hong Kong in the evening.
And Liu Jialing also chose to respect Liang Chaowei's living habits, and she silently took on the trivial matters of life that Liang Chaowei did not care about.
As Liu Jialing said: "The most perfect control in marriage is not control." ”
I don't interfere with your life, you respect my hobbies, and having such a delicate distance between each other can build a comfortable and intimate relationship.
The two of them are completely different because they respect each other's interests and hobbies, respect each other's three views, accompanied each other for more than thirty years, and identified each other as partners in their lives.
Respecting each other's ideas is the way to truly integrate with each other, and it is also the most important ability to get along in marriage.
Happy couples should have a space that does not interfere with each other, do not invade, do not disturb, and let each other quietly recharge themselves in his own small world.
The best way for couples to get along is to be intimate but independent.
2
A good marriage will not forcibly change the other party
The book "Worth it on Earth" once wrote the following passage:
"Don't try to be happy by changing others. With just a little effort, don't expect other people's thoughts and actions to change. Trying to change others by all means, spending years or decades, will only get yourself into trouble. ”
The author of this book is Grandma Hengzi, who is in her 90s.
At the age of 27, she fell in love with doctor Jongmura at first sight, and soon after they got married.
After getting married, Hengzi found that her husband was an alcoholic, and every day after work, he would go to drink with his friends and spend all his wages, and the family basically could not count on him.
Hengzi tries to threaten Zhongcun with divorce, but each time Zhongcun goes to get drunk for a few days.
In the face of Zhongcun's dead nature, Hengzi chose to give up and no longer persuade him, but spent his energy on himself to improve himself.
Later, Hengzi found that her husband was not as bad as he thought. Although he loves to drink, he is kind and responsible.
Later, the relationship between the two slowly eased, and then Hengzi wrote the book "Worth it in the world".
In fact, sometimes we ourselves ask each other to give up ourselves to cater to ourselves, which is a kind of moral kidnapping in the name of love.
Two people living together, differences and contradictions are inevitable.
Good couples will choose to accommodate each other, rather than selfishly unilaterally asking each other to live their lives according to their own wishes.
Liu Jialing is a person who loves to play cards, clubbing, drinking, enjoying, sports, and eating supper until the early hours of the morning.
And Liang Chaowei is a person who likes to be quiet, melancholy and elegant.
It is such a person with such a big difference that they have been in love for more than thirty years.
Liang Chaowei respects Liu Jialing's outgoing personality and never interferes with her social interactions and gatherings with friends.
Liu Jialing respects Liang Chaowei's restrained temperament, which does not affect his quiet solitude, reading and drinking tea, and enjoying loneliness.
Good couples understand that love is respect, acceptance, and understanding.
The ideal marriage relationship has always been that you respect me and I understand you.
One party in a marriage should not try to change the other in the name of love, but can give the other party enough tolerance and understanding.
3
A good marriage will not treat each other as a "trash can"
When I heard the news of my friend Xia Bing's divorce, I was shocked and wondered.
In our eyes, they have always been a model couple with great love, how to say that they are separated?
Later, I learned that in this seemingly happy marriage, both parties have suffered grievances.
Her husband came home late from work that day, and at the dinner table, she asked impatiently:
"How come I came back so late and didn't come home all day, like that?"
His husband only buried his head in the meal and did not speak.
Xia Bing saw that he did not speak and continued to count, "What about asking you, deaf?" ”
Unexpectedly, her husband put down the bowl and chopsticks with a bang, stared at her impatiently and said:
"What do you know? You think my job is easy? What else can you do all day except at home with your children? ”
At this time, Xia Bing thought of taking the child at home to deal with housework, tired for a day, and cooked dinner waiting for him, without a good word, and provoked a mockery.
The more I thought about it, the more Xia Bing couldn't sit still, and raised her voice and said, "What can I do!" I take the kids, do the housework, cook for you to eat, what do you say I do, can you talk well? ”
Her husband then retorted, "Am I wrong? Nagging all day and annoying to see you. ”
The harsh words of the two people made the atmosphere instantly fall to the freezing point.
Her husband is a salesman, angry with customers in the company, and is blamed by his wife when he returns home; while Xia Bing is a housewife, who has to manage big and small affairs at home, and will be angry with her mother-in-law from time to time.
Both couples treat each other as their emotional trash cans, and vent their negative emotions for a day by accusing and abusing each other.
"Why did you come back an hour late today?" "How come I put too much salt for dinner?" "Accusations can become the flashpoint of a big fight between two people."
On such days, both of them felt more and more bored, and agreed to divorce.
Many people give patience and tolerance to strangers, and leave the worst temper and attitude to those closest to them.
I think it's subconsciously thinking that the other person won't leave.
On the outside, those who have suffered great grievances can be smiled and faced, and the name is beautiful: "Adults should control their emotions, and no matter how many grievances they have, they cannot let others know." ”
When he returned home, he was angry because of a small matter, lost his temper with his lover, and regarded the other party as his "trash can".
This seems to be a common problem for many couples.
In the subconscious of some people, the partner is the person closest to them, and they should tolerate all their bad emotions without complaint.
But as everyone knows, people's hearts are flesh long, and it will hurt when they are hurt, and no one should become another person's emotional garbage can.
Home should be a paradise full of laughter, not a battlefield filled with smoke.
The heroine of the TV series "Life Is As Bright as Sunshine" is white and brilliant, and the black widow-level senior HR who was specially smashing people's jobs in the company a second ago was splashed with water by the dismissed employees, pointing at the nose and scolding.
The next second I returned to the car and kept silently saying: "I am a beautiful wife white brilliant, I am a good harem white brilliant ..." ”
She let herself become a petite wife in a second, just to calm her negative emotions.
Good couples know how to deal with their emotions before entering the house, and do not bring the anger they receive outside to the house.
Only those who can properly handle self-digesting emotions can properly manage their marriage.
"Treat yourself as an outsider" is a realm of marital emotions.
That is to say, people often say "respect each other as guests", that is, they can be intimate and intimate, and they can also have mutual "politeness" with their own boundaries.
I think that's what marriage looks like at its best.
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The author | Xue Wenxi, who is good at writing short stories and new media articles, and tells you different emotional values with a unique perspective.