The author | Lee Wan Wan
Illustration | ofowen gent
Those who come from privileged families and whose parents are open-minded and open-minded may never realize how difficult and bad it is for ordinary children and parents to live in this life.
The four words "difficult" and "bad heart" can be vividly reflected, and it is the matter of marriage urging.
For those who have not experienced marriage urging, let me introduce to you how desperate it is to urge marriage.
Let's start with the child's despair.
Young people are urged to marry, and they always feel very irritable and helpless.
People who are urged to marry are generally divided into two situations.
One of them is that there is an object, but it may be a bad feeling, hesitate to get married, or have good feelings, but because the economic conditions are not very good, so do not dare to rush to get married, parents at this time to urge marriage, will only let the child amplify their own worries and anxieties about marriage, so it is very annoying, but this situation is relatively rare, I will not expand on it;
The other, no object, is now single. Most people fall into this situation.
Are you saying that a man is single because he likes a man's life? Obviously not, he also wants to fall in love and want to get married, but the problem is that he can't find the right person.
Parents don't care about this, they only think that getting married is a task, you three seven twenty-one, you have to give me this task to complete.
Parents only urge marriage, but they do not care about the feelings of their children.
However, "feeling" this kind of thing is very important.
What is "feeling"?
The feeling is:
As soon as parents urge, children will feel more anxious, more panicked, more irritable, feel that their lives are more failed - they feel that they can't work well, they can't earn money, they don't have a partner, and they don't know where to go in the future...
Marriage urging is exactly the same as debt collection, just like a person who owes debts, his own debts of hundreds of thousands and millions of dollars have exhausted him, he himself knows his debts, knows to repay, knows how to repay, and is anxious about not knowing when to pay them off, but his parents also put a big horn around him every day, looping, "Look at you, how much do you owe?" Do you still want to pay it back? When will it be paid off? What are you going to do to pay off your debts? ”
A single young man in his twenties and nineties and thirties, in the face of his parents' urging to marry, his bad emotions are not only disgusted with being urged to marry, nor is it just the helplessness and sadness that his parents do not understand, but more of a sense of powerlessness that is dissatisfied with all these things in front of him but cannot be changed.
Wang Xiaobo said that the essence of all human suffering is anger at one's own incompetence.
That is true, if there is a way, who will be angry, who will be miserable? Whether it is anger or pain, it is not all because the problem cannot be solved.
If we can get rich overnight, if we can find a satisfactory person right away, will we still be afraid of our parents urging us to get married? We are only afraid that our parents will not urge it.
And then there's the desperation of the parents.
Parents urge marriage, they are also forced to helpless.
First, it's their cognition. They have accepted the concept of succession since childhood, and they feel that if you are born as a human being, you must have descendants, otherwise who cares about you when you are old, who will give you a grave when you die - of course, this is all an excuse, no matter what, they just think that people must get married and have children, and they don't even need a reason - this is the concept.
Although the concept of this thing can not be seen or touched, it is harder than iron and stronger than steel, and it is very, very difficult, even futile, to change the concept of whom.
The idea is like a canned bottle that has been locked to death, where you put it to twist with an oil-stained hand, the more you twist it, the more useless it is, the more painful it is, the more you twist it, the more angry you get.
Parents think that passing on the generations, having children, raising children and preventing the elderly is very important, you can't appreciate that kind of importance, you feel that it doesn't matter, on the other hand, you feel that love is very heavy, feeling very important, money is very important, but parents can't understand these things for marriage is important, they think, is not to find someone to live a life, how to let you get married so hard, where to get married, what feelings do not feel, love does not love things, as long as it is a person, how to become a big difficulty in your place.
You can't really understand them, and they can't really understand you.
Don't ignore this "inability to really understand", this incomprehensibility, almost equivalent to two people speaking different languages talking, or even equivalent to a plant talking to an animal.
Second, parents feel that helping their children complete the marriage is their task as parents. Therefore, whether you marry or not is not only your business alone, but also their business, and it can even be said that it is not your business, but their business.
Getting married is like cooking. Your parents work outside the home and tell you to cook dinner at home and wait for them to come back from work to eat. You say you're not hungry, you don't eat, and they're very angry — I don't care if you eat or not, but we have to eat.
So the parents urge marriage, in fact, he does not care whether you are happy or unhappy, whether you have love, whether you have money to live a life, he only cares about whether you can find someone to marry and have children.
Whether you have children or not is your business, you feel that it doesn't matter, but whether you can hold your grandchildren or not is their business, they care a lot.
Third, the parents are ordinary people, it is difficult to have their own independent thinking, they have been comparing their lives with others all their lives. Other people's children have bought a car and bought a house, and if you don't buy it, they will think that you are not out of the woods; other old men and women are holding grandchildren, only his own children are still single, he will feel very humiliated, feel inferior to others.
Therefore, the essence of marriage is the war between ordinary, stubborn, self-righteous parents and ordinary, stubborn, self-righteous children.
This kind of war is not a war between two barbarians, but more like a fight between two Buddhists – hitting you and hurting in my heart.
You're being urged to marry, and you're miserable. Parents urge you, and they are also in pain.
And this problem cannot be solved, at least in the short term.
Every time you are urged to marry, you are very painful, so what to do?
I think we can listen to Teacher Luo Xiang's words, maybe it will feel better.
He said:
"Man must accept his own limitations, and he must admit that he is limited, so he admits that your logic is limited, that your reason is limited, that your reading is limited, that your whole being is in prejudice, and that you are walking out of prejudice in this life." 」
I think this phrase has a wide range of applications, and it is also appropriate to use here.
Yes, we really want to admit our own limitations, admit that our conditions are limited, our abilities are limited, we don't understand things when we are young, we feel that we have great abilities and unlimited futures, but at this age, we should also recognize the reality, I am an ordinary person.
Is it true that you have limited knowledge, such as that you want love, that you want to be happy, that you want to like each other in order to get married? not necessarily. Even if this idea is correct, there is no need to force parental approval and understanding, because parental cognition is also very limited.
Asking your parents to identify with you and understand you is a kind of wishful thinking, a kind of self-pleading, just as your parents want you to identify with them and understand them, which is futile.
Not to mention the small ordinary young people like us, that is, all kinds of great figures in the past dynasties, their relationship with their parents is basically a mess, in the eyes of their parents, many of them are not filial piety, you see, so many people with unlimited ability and unlimited ability cannot make his parents feel comfortable, let alone us Muggles?
I hope that parents can understand us, be enlightened, and be able to see a little, which is actually a kind of prejudice, prejudice because you think you are right, parents should understand you.
You expect your parents to understand you, this expectation is a very naïve idea, like a literary and artistic youth, he wrote a novel, no one reads, he feels that he has no talent, no confidant; just like a director, made a movie, the box office fiasco, he blames the audience for not having aesthetics. It's all childishness, it's all ignorance, it's all prejudice.
When I was younger, I wrote articles and saw comments that opposed me and criticized me, and I was really angry, but now whoever wants to deny me and criticize me, I think this is not only normal, but also very good, which is what an article should look like when it is sent out.
I think many people will feel that not expecting others to identify with them is a kind of common sense, without explanation.
But how to get to the parents, this question is difficult to figure out?
The problem is that our parents are put in a high position by us, they are the embodiment of love, authority, and grace, and if I don't listen to them, if I make them unhappy, if I make them sad, I will feel very guilty, very sad, feel that I am wrong, that I am incompetent.
This is difficult to detect, after all, many people will feel, heck, I just don't want to be urged by them, I don't feel that my parents are on top of me, I don't think they represent the right thing, I don't feel guilty...
You put your parents in a special position, their joys and sorrows will of course seriously affect your life, just like many people fall in love, deify love, see his object as a "gift from God", "angel", "unique person", you see your object as a god, as a kind of existence that distinguishes you from any other person, do you say that his joys and sorrows will also seriously affect your life?
So, we may have to pull our parents down from the altar, they are people, parents are just a role, and your relationship with your parents is only one of all kinds of relationships.
How you deal with ordinary people, how you deal with your parents.
You have a point of view, an idea, the average person does not agree with you, do not have to worry about him, he has his views, he has his life, you also have your life, talk more about it for a while, talk about it and live your own life.
The relationship with your parents is the same, you can't change them, they can't change you, if they want to change you, it's them begging for it, if you want them to understand you and agree with you, it's also your own self-pleading.
Parents have their lives, they have their lives, you have your life, you have your life.
Focusing your emotions and energy on things you can't change will only make you constantly intrigued.
You don't have to think about how to meet your parents, you don't have to think about how to change them, you don't have to think about how to deal with them, you don't have to expect them to understand you, you just have to accept it.
Accept your parents' urging of you, this is normal, urge it, just as it is a way of entertainment for them, listen to them nagging, see them angry, just listen, don't have to object, don't expect to be understood.
There is no causal relationship between their anger and your failure to marry, they are angry only because they do not have enough wisdom to solve their cognitive and emotional problems, and it is unfair to ask you to pay for their emotional problems; similarly, you feel pain when you are urged to marry, and there is no causal relationship with your parents urging marriage, just because you do not recognize reality, do not realize that parents do not understand children is actually very common and normal. They also don't have to pay for your emotional problems, just like if you have children in the future, all your joys and sorrows are your own business, and you can't expect your children to be responsible for your emotional problems - if you are angry with him because of his poor studies, early love, and unmarried, and you don't sleep all night, that's something wrong with you.
Don't worry if you don't get married, one day your parents will regret it.
Life cannot be completed no matter what, so there is nothing to regret.
There is no need to force you to get along with your parents, you don't have to force a family to be happy, after all, since ancient times, so many people, whether ordinary people or emperors and generals, can't do this.
In the final analysis, we can't change others, and it's difficult to change our own situation, and all we can do is to see the truth of the world as much as possible, change our cognition, and adjust the way we see the world.
Afraid of ghosts, they came to the door and demanded more sorrow.
——End——