Question: My husband and I are separated because of work, my husband works and lives outside alone, and I am at home with my mother-in-law, nanny, and two daughters. Originally separated for a better life, but after not living together, there are more and more contradictions, and the two people often quarrel. Mainly I have contradictions with my mother-in-law, for the poor quality of mother-in-law, my husband can understand me before, and now my husband is more partial to my mother-in-law. My husband's attitude towards me is getting worse and worse, should I get a divorce? My original family conditions are good, and I can survive if I get divorced.
Expert answer: For a marriage that really can't be managed, the security of the mother's family can really help you get rid of the unhappy married life quickly. However, I don't recommend that you consider divorce now, for two reasons, one is that you and your husband have a good emotional foundation, and when he was at home before, he also knew how to love and care for you, and your marriage has repair value; second, the contradiction between you and your husband has not yet developed to an unresolvable degree, you just don't know how to deal with the problem well when you have a conflict with your mother-in-law, and how to make your husband turn to you instead of targeting you.
Now what makes you most sad is that your husband no longer understands you as much as before, and you feel that he is beginning to favor his mother-in-law, and in fact, the vast majority of men do not have a clear bias in the face of the contradiction between their wives and mothers, as long as they do not involve the principle of right and wrong, their biggest expectation in their hearts is that their wives can use their brains to handle things well, rather than throwing a mess to him, losing their temper with him or letting him judge.
You might say, why doesn't he expect his mother to take things care of, but is getting more and more impatient with you? Because you also said that your mother-in-law's own quality is relatively poor, your husband must have a number in mind, otherwise he would not have understood you so much before. People usually don't expect a poor person to deal with various things, so your husband subconsciously thinks that the responsibility for solving the problem is on you.
So why doesn't your husband stand up and solve the problem? In fact, not only your husband, the vast majority of men will instinctively avoid handling family disputes, especially the right and wrong between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, men can not be judges, mother-in-law affairs as long as the man mixed in, he is either coaxed on both sides, by the splint gas; or both sides of persuasion, both sides are offended.
Especially when a man is out there working for the future of his family, he prefers the stability of the rear and reassures him. When he is at home, he can still take the energy to comfort you, and when he is outside, he is more eager to hear some good news, such as the child is tall again, the wife and mother are healthy and happy, and so on;
If you and your husband call, all he hears is that you and your mother-in-law have quarreled again, let him judge, and over time he will be afraid to contact you, and he will be more impatient and more irritable, he may yell at you, but in fact, he is not favoring the mother-in-law, but complaining that you can't solve the problems at home.
Many female friends will understand the husband's attitude as "the wife is wrong, my mother is right, the wife can not have different opinions with my mother", but in fact, the man's appeal to the wife is "I hope you encounter something to try to solve by yourself, if the solution is not good, you can come up with your ideas to discuss with me, I will help you analyze, but you vent dissatisfaction with me, I really don't know what to do." ”
So, how can we effectively reduce the marital conflict caused by the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? You can try to do what I said next. When you have a disagreement with your mother-in-law, it is really not easy to solve, and you need your husband to intervene, use the communication strategy of calmly stating the facts + seeking help from your husband.
You can paraphrase this sentence - "Husband, there is such a thing you have to help me come up with ideas, today I met something (objective statement), my idea is A, my mother's idea is B, I think our mother is reasonable, but there are not considered all the places, I will discuss with our mother whether to do it in accordance with the way of C, our mother still feels inappropriate." Husband, you help me think, how do we tell my mother, she can accept it? ”
The communication scenario constructed by this sentence pattern is to solve specific problems, so that you and your husband can discuss at the level of solving the problem, your husband can help you come up with ideas on the matter, you also feel the support of your husband, and things finally have a solution. And your husband will be particularly pleased to see that you are dealing with problems, rather than making trouble in front of problems, he will be more grateful for your dedication to the family, and he is more willing to actively cooperate with you.
And if you say to your husband, "Today my mother-in-law is looking for me again, and she doesn't understand anything and does her best to direct, I'm really fed up, and you don't care!" You are now more and more partial to her, and I can't live this day! "This is not a scene to solve the problem, but entangled in the emotions, at this time the husband says anything, you will not like to listen, he coaxes you, you feel pale, he does not coax you, you are more angry, if he also loses his temper, you will definitely have the idea of divorce, in the end, nothing is solved."
Many times, the cause of the breakdown of the couple's feelings is not the contradiction and disagreement itself, but the lack of thinking and skills to deal with the contradiction, if we encounter grievances to make the worst plan, it is difficult to grow up in marriage, but also let ourselves and children miss a complete and happy family.
He's in love with someone and probably fits him better than you. In such a relationship, he chose to give up his feelings for you and get emotional satisfaction from her.
In feelings, a person's sense of rules is very important. He and you enter into marriage, start a family, have responsibilities to you and to the family, and if he is not satisfied with your existing feelings, what he has to do is to solve the problem, not to escape. Therefore, it is precisely because of his lack of sense of rules that he uses the way of mental deviation from his partner to solve the problems existing in the marriage at this moment and avoid the contradictions between husband and wife.
Therefore, if you want to solve the problem of your partner's spiritual betrayal, you must not self-deny, your self-denial is not the real reason for his deviation, and it will also make you panic and emotional words. You need to see the essential problems: the problem of the relationship between you and your partner, the problem of the establishment of your partner's sense of rules, and solve it from these two points in order to truly solve the emotional crisis you encounter and truly cure the root cause.