Raising children is a practice, and it is the wisdom of parents.
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Parents and children are supposed to be the most intimate relationship, why are many children and parents like "enemies" now?
The answer is thought-provoking.
01
spoil
In the TV series "Happy Family", there is such a clip:
One father wanted his son to get married, but the son said, "At the same time as getting married, I want to cut off relations with my family, including my father." ”
The father couldn't believe it, and he began to question his son angrily.
Unexpectedly, the son's answer was:
"I went from assistant to attending physician, what is your cultivation and care?"
"I'm talented and working harder than others, but I don't get fair treatment."
"In their eyes, I will always be the son of a noodle seller. So I can only endure. ”
"I know Dad, you care about us, when you come home, you can always hear a sentence: Hungry or not? Have you eaten? Tired or not? Did you sleep? But I really hope that when we encounter those unfairnesses out there, you can pull us along. ”
In the face of his son's questioning, the father could not cry.
After a long time, the father, who was more than half a hundred years old, said with red eyes:
"I'm sorry, Daddy isn't capable."
So the father who loves his son and loves his son has always been hated by his son, which is a sad thing.
The greatest sorrow of Chinese parents is that they have given everything but cannot raise grateful children.
Around us, young people will ask their parents which brand of clothes to wear, which district house to buy, which famous car to ride..... Get used to the efforts of your parents.
Parents in ordinary families can't give this, and their children will still feel resentment.
This hatred is not innate, and is often bred in the doting of parents.
Face-to-face protection, special treatment, substitution, excessive attention, easy satisfaction, responsiveness... Children increasingly lack empathy in such love, do not understand their parents, and do not know how to be grateful.
As William Faulkner put it:
"We all think that the world owes us so much that we don't get happiness; when we don't get happiness, we blame the person closest to us."
In the eyes of many children, the parents are the ones who make them unhappy, and they rely on and hate.
02
absent
There was a friend and his parents who had been "enemies" for most of his life, his parents were busy at work, he grew up with his grandmother, and his parents did not take him back until junior high school.
Parents began to be dissatisfied with the bad habits he developed, often pointed out to the child, friends began to feel that their parents did not love him, otherwise why are they so dissatisfied with him?
Gradually, he became less and less fond of getting along with his parents, responding to them with rebellion, indifference, and refusal to communicate.
Once seen in an article:
When the mother's position is absent, the child is prone to emptiness, melancholy, anxiety, indecision, and interpersonal problems.
When the father's position is absent, the son is prone to addictive behavior. For example, addicted to video games, smoking, drinking, drug use; daughters are prone to precocious puberty, binge eating or anorexia, interest in adult men, and expect protection.
Children who are absent from the company of their parents are more likely to have behavioral problems, and at the same time, they will lay hidden dangers for future parent-child relationships and education.
Take the example of paternity:
I believe that many people have heard such a sentence: "Father and son are enemies."
In Chinese families, the relationship between father and son has always been a difficult problem.
Fathers are the role models for children when they are young, but because many fathers are harsh, not good at words, not good at expressing love, and communicate with their children less, when the children reach adolescence, they often become objects of rebellion against them, and begin to be dissatisfied with their father's authority, expectations and requirements.
There is often a gap between father and son during this period, and if not handled well, it will not be reconciled until many years later.
In the movie "Children Are Not Stupid", there is a family where the father is busy with work and neglects to accompany the child.
The child loves his father very much, but he is often poured cold water by his father, and he begins to be disappointed in his father, and he pins the warmth he cannot get from his father on his new friends.
It was at this time that his father, who cared little about him, appeared angrily:
"You bunny cub, get out of these fox friends!"
"They are my true friends, and only they will accompany me."
When they were young, they neglected to accompany their children, and when the children were older and wanted to manage, the children were naturally unhappy, and they would feel: "Why do you care about me?" ”
Without the company of love, jumping directly to discipline, how can it not arouse the rebellious heart of the child?
There is also a thought-provoking sentence in the movie: "Your father loves you too much, but he doesn't love you too much." ”
This sentence is actually the current situation of many Chinese fathers.
They love their children no less than their mothers, but children do not feel this "hidden" love in childhood, and even slowly become dissatisfied.
03
control
Some time ago, a heart-wrenching news happened:
A 15-year-old girl in Qingdao killed her mother with her own hands, put the body in a suitcase, locked the door and sat for 2 days and 1 night.
A child has such a big hatred for her mother, you may think that the mother is not good for her, the truth is that everyone around knows that this mother loves her daughter very much, and the content of the chat with friends and neighbors is inseparable from the daughter in three sentences.
Although the mother is single and divorced, she has always tried to give her daughter the best material environment.
The child wanted to eat mutton, and she specially brought back sheep from Inner Mongolia to a friend to kill sheep. The child wanted to eat beef, and she asked a friend to buy beef from Australia.
In her small poem "To the Daughter", there is such a passage: "Although the love with gaps is not perfect, I want to love to the extreme in imperfection." ”
The daughter is also a well-behaved girl in the eyes of everyone, and she chooses this extreme way to hurt her mother, only because of her mother's "control".
The mother has strict requirements for her daughter's learning and interpersonal relationships, requiring that her daughter's academic performance must be in the top few; requiring her daughter to listen to her words and not accept any rebuttal; investigating her daughter's friends....
The daughter herself also said: "Everything is good in the family, that is, the mother is not good, too strict." ”
Therefore, this well-behaved child hurt his blood relatives in the most cruel way.
In this story, the mother is the victim, and the daughter is not?
Parents who are too controlling are disastrous for their children.
As psychologist Li Xue once said:
"Wherever the parents' controlling hands go, the child will experience pain there for the rest of his life."
In their communication with their children, they will use a strong sense of mission: I am your father/mother, and you are always right to listen to me!
When children are young, they will fear this majesty, but as they grow older, their sense of self becomes stronger and stronger, and the coercion of their parents, children learn to resist and fight for their own freedom, and in the confrontation with their parents, hatred arises.
I heard such a story, there is a high school student who wants to go to a school outside the province after the college entrance examination, but his parents do not agree, bypass the child, and directly fill in the city's university, which is called" as follows: "Convenient for parents to take care of you." ”
After going to college, the child has been grumpy about this matter, and his heart is particularly painful and entangled, he began to skip class every day, go to the Internet café to play games, and say to his parents: "The class you choose, you come to yourself!" ”
Later, I met some undesirable young people, was arrested for drug abuse, and the first thing I said when I saw my parents was:
"Now you're satisfied."
These mischievous children are using extreme behavior to accuse and retaliate against their parents' control over them.
Bacon said: "In a happy family, the parents are ruled by love, and the children are obedient to the adults out of love for their parents." ”
People who rebel against and hate their parents often feel too little love from their parents or their parents love in a way that is too rough.
Raising a positive and happy child does not rely on the preaching of parents, but on the unconditional love of parents, wholehearted companionship and the influence of words and deeds.
Raising children into "enemies" is the saddest thing for parents.
I hope that parents all over the world can learn to love their children correctly.
Source: Qian Zhiliang Studio (Original title: These three types of parents are the easiest to raise their children into enemies)
Author: Qian Zhiliang
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