Author | Wooden man
A while ago, in the variety show "Sisters' Fantasy Salon", independent artist Mo Han said that at the age of thirty, she wanted to transform and start a business, even if the process was difficult, but in the trough period, she chose to cry with her sisters and would not talk to her parents.
Mo Han said that he is a person who "reports good news but not worries", if he tells his parents, they can't help themselves, it will only increase their worries, and he hopes to tell his parents after things are done.
Regarding my own business plan, I did not communicate with my parents because I was afraid that they would give advice.
Jing Tian said that his father is in business, his mother is a judge, and he has such parents, and if he wants to start a business, he should listen to their opinions.
She revealed to herself: "I used to have this bad problem, perfunctory, busy work, they called, they 'know it' and 'busy', 'good, hang up'."
"Reporting good news and not worrying should not be an excuse and excuse for us to avoid communicating with our parents, in fact, parents are the people who understand the worries in your life the most." 」
As soon as the topic came out, it caused a heated discussion on Weibo.
Netizens have said that they are like this.
It turns out that we are all "in pity for the same disease."
I remembered the news I had seen before: after a child swallowed the whistle by mistake, he hid it for 20 years because he was afraid of his parents' scolding! It's so heart-wrenching.
Some of the children who report good news and do not report their worries are afraid that their parents are overly worried, and some are afraid that their parents will reprimand and criticize.
Teacher Yin Jianli said that children would rather bear the pain of procrastination than tell parents, which is actually a signal that parents and children have a problem getting along.
The child who is accustomed to reporting good news and not worrying is actually more bitter than anyone else.
01
How bitter is the child who is used to carrying himself when things go wrong?
No one likes to carry everything by themselves, but because of the accumulated helplessness and habits.
When overwhelmed, they chose the next strategy.
Hu Jingjing, played by Jin Jing in "I'm Fine in Other Places", jumped off the building on her birthday.
Why jump off a building? When the good friend stripped away the cocoon, she found that she was unemployed, lost love, and suffered from depression, so she was saddled with high debts.
No one knows, she was on her way to a birthday party on the subway, was dirty with beautiful clothes by a little girl, walked out of the subway, threw her clothes in the trash, and walked up to a high platform.
At this time, her mother, who learned that Hu Jingjing owed money, called from her hometown and made a accusation:
"You tell me, why do you owe so much money?"
"Why can't you make your mother worry?" If I had known you were like that, I wouldn't have let you go to Beijing. ”
After that, Hu Jingjing did not hesitate to jump.
Finding out about her daughter's financial problems, not caring about her daughter, giving comfort, and simply and rudely yelling and then scolding, it is really chilling.
Before the child could speak properly, he was blocked from talking, and he had to stop talking, breaking his teeth and swallowing into his stomach.
Originally thought that her parents would be the last comfort, but unexpectedly it became the last straw that crushed her.
The family should be a warm harbor, but the parents have become a symbol of coldness.
After a long time, the child is in pain, sick, injured, tired, no longer has the heart to open his mouth, and is accustomed to self-digestion.
No one likes to carry all the pain on their own, but it is just that no one shares it.
02
Because it is more bitter after opening the mouth, I dare not open my mouth
Why are children reluctant and afraid to open their mouths to their parents after they are injured? Because opening your mouth means a second injury, the heart is more bitter.
Parenting expert Yang Fan said: Many Chinese families have a strange logic, children are bullied outside, parents always count their children first.
Critical: "Why don't others bully you when they're not bullied?" ”
After-the-horse cannon type: "Tell you, you don't listen, you deserve it." ”
After the child is injured, he asks for help from his parents, asking for comfort and warmth, but what he gets is reprimand and scolding, so why should the child be bored and enlarge the wound?
Family therapist Li Songwei once told her story:
In elementary school, because of the incorrect eye posture, he could not see the blackboard clearly, but he was afraid of his parents scolding, so he did not tell his parents.
I couldn't see the blackboard clearly in class, so I listened to the sound and borrowed notes from other students.
Every time his eyesight was checked, in order to pass the mask, he even memorized the eye chart in advance.
Why don't you want to tell your parents about myopia?
Later, he reflected, probably feeling that he had made a mistake. And after every mistake, his parents always blamed him and did not understand him.
More painful than the pain, the most loved parents add fuel to the fire.
When a child makes a mistake, encounters confusion and problems, it is precisely when love and help are needed.
If parents are used to scolding or sneering, they will only push their children farther and farther away.
Slowly, children lack trust in their parents and hide their desire to talk. Between parents and children, there is no possibility of more communication.
03
Parents do these 3 points well and give their children the confidence to "report their worries"
Many parents complain that their children are reluctant to tell their parents when things go wrong, and the child who does not want to speak out is like a lock that cannot be pried in the eyes of parents.
But ask yourself, have we given our children the confidence to complain and ask for help?
How do we give our children the confidence?
See your child's needs with your heart
In "Ideal City", After Su Xiao, played by Sun Li, entered the group, she encountered the biggest dilemma in her career, and she called her father for help: "Dad, if one day, I am successful, but become someone you hate, can this be called success?" ”
Her father told her, "Xiao Xiao, no matter what you become, Your Father will not hate you, you are Daddy's favorite daughter." ”
When confused, ask for help from the father, such a "father-daughter relationship" makes people envious, and it is inseparable from the father's needs to see his daughter again and again.
When Su Xiao was facing unemployment and encountered a lost love, she was in a state of loss at home, and her father could not call, so he flew to Shanghai the next day to see her, prepare her favorite meals, and comfort her.
Seeing the needs of the child, the child feels the parents' sight, will give the parents trust and trust.
Give encouragement and guidance when your child asks for help
There is one thing written about in How to Hug a Hedgehog.
Jerick came home from school and said to his parents, "I have a friend who would love to go to a movie, but there are some not-so-good episodes in the movie, but he said that as long as you close your eyes when you shouldn't see it, do you think he's right to do that?" ”
His parents did not say "you don't want to be friends with him again" or the like, but took the initiative to listen to him, because the parents knew that the so-called friend was the son himself, and he wanted to see the movie, so he gave good advice.
When the child asks for help, read the careful thinking behind the child, give encouragement and guidance, not only can narrow the distance between each other, but also open the door to the child's future "help" and "worry".
Give your child full trust
Zheng Yuanjie's "Wisdom Teeth" has a plot that impressed me: when the girl Liang Xin was wrongfully stolen at school, her first reaction was: I want to tell my parents, I want my parents to prove my innocence and wash away my grievances.
This surprised the teacher and made many children envious.
In fact, this confidence of the child comes from the unconditional trust of the parents. Later, the parents rushed to school and not only gave their daughter trust, but also washed away their daughter's grievances through efforts.
Trust is mutual, parents give first, children will give back to trust.
Trust is warm, like a south wind. When the child receives the warmth released by the south wind, he is naturally willing to report good news and dares to report his worries.
04
In the final analysis, the unconditional love of parents is the premise of children's sense of security and trust, and it is the beginning of all good things.
Children who are happy to report good news are positive, and children who dare to report their worries are happy because they believe that there is always an embrace behind them.
May each of us parents be able to open our arms and welcome our children who are rushing towards us at any time.
I also hope that every child can choose to run to the arms of their parents when they are happy and sad.
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Author: Wooden man, a small homeowner. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.