Life is always mixed, and life with children is even more so.
When children join our lives, when the small figure is intertwined with the scenes in daily activities, it almost fills the "blank items" in life, bringing not only the fullness and joy in expectation, but also the exhaustion and troubles after busyness.
In such a state, parents sometimes have times when they can't suppress their emotions.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="5">01</h1>
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="6" > good temper, there will also be children "grinding"</h1>
If you were to ask if there were a pair of parents in the world who were not angry with their children at all, I think the answer would be no.
In the eyes of our friends, her temper is the best, her empathy ability is very strong, she has almost no conflicts with anyone, her face is red, and she is very patient when she sees children.
My cute boy also liked her very much, and when she went to her girlfriend's house to play, her girlfriend's daughter Duo Duo was sitting at the desk to complete her homework.
After a while, Duo Duo took the book and walked to the front of the girlfriend, and happily raised yang, "I have written the last question of my mother, I want to add a complete sentence, write what home is, what I write is, home is a place to pretend love, home is still a place to pretend to be a mother and father's temper." ”
As soon as Duo Duo finished speaking, she began to look at the gentle girlfriend, the corners of her mouth moved, and her face was full of embarrassment that she couldn't hang on, she swept me with her eyes, and then turned her head sideways and lowered her voice to say to the child, "What to write, go play first, we will change the sentence after a while." ”
When the child heard that he could play first, he ran away happily, and the girlfriend exhaled softly, not knowing whether she was sighing or relieved, but when we looked at each other, we both laughed.
I didn't expect that the "fairy temper" in everyone's eyes would also "stop the car" in front of the children.
Children are different, the problems are also full of situations, and the parents' emotions have become the "barometer" of the family, and the children quietly look in the eyes and remember in their hearts.
But emotions are a topic that everyone can't avoid, and parents will also act helpless in dealing with emotional problems, and they will also feel guilty and self-blame after getting angry with their children.
But suppress emotions, rather than to alleviate emotions, emotions can never find an outlet, when emotions are "blocked" in the heart, the heart is like a container, the more things are saved in the area, the heavier it becomes, there is always a time to overflow, then the state is to hurt yourself internally and "attack" your family externally.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="49">02</h1>
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="50" > emotions uncontrollable, what is controllable is the way to release emotions</h1>
The act of releasing emotions is not a problem in itself, on the contrary, it is our normal need.
But the way of release determines different outcomes, one is vented in an unconscious, explosive way, and the other is discharged in a slow, gentle way.
The former comes and goes quickly, but often panics the children around them, who may not have time to think about where they are wrong and fall into the fear of their parents' negative emotions.
The latter basically does not affect the child, although the mistake is the child, but the emotion is ours, the child only needs to bear the natural consequences of the mistake, without having to pay for the parent's emotions.
Only in a stable environment that is not disturbed by the negative emotions of the parents will the child be given the space to think.
That's why, even though "emotions" are often uncontrollable, we still need to control "the way emotions are released."
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="51">03</h1>
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="52" > the "key" to controlling the way emotions are controlled, and it is to find the "anger point"</h1>
Think about where emotions "begin", what ignited your anger?
It is said that "the spark of the stars can burn the plains", and the anger in the heart is also like this, whether it is burning more and more vigorously, or gradually extinguishing, the key is to find the spark of the stars, it is the "hot button" of our emotions.
If we can form a new habit of consciously paying attention to the "anger point" when negative emotions breed, we can take a more rational approach to it, consume it, release it, and not let the emotion "rampage" to our children.
So how do we observe the "angry point"?
● Do the after-the-fact summary, and learn to press the "pause button" when things happen.
Your doubts may be that emotions come, just get angry with your child, and don't have time to think.
It is true that in the unconscious state it is difficult for us to brake the emotions, and it is precisely in this way that to change, we need to transform the "unconscious" into "conscious.".
If we are already in a state of loss of control in a thing, the child is angry, just regret that self-blame can not reverse the situation, but we can look back and observe, find the reason for the "outbreak" at that time, write down this reason separately, store it as an "anger point", when the same anger point is triggered again, you will consciously perceive it, then what needs to be done is to press the "pause button", leave the scene at that time, and interrupt the "anger point".
● When storing "anger points", we can think about three questions:
◎ What triggers the "anger point" is the problem itself, or the normal situation (children at different stages, there will be some special manifestations, but it is the need for children's growth);
◎ Is it because they are not satisfied with themselves (when the child's performance does not meet the parents' expectations, the parents themselves will have a sense of powerlessness), or because the child makes mistakes.
◎Whether the results orientation is used.
(Considering problems from the perspective of results can sometimes be effective in reducing parental anxiety.)
For example, if the result we need is to "let the child stay quiet and happy for ten minutes", then we do not need to argue with the child, whether he should choose to read a book with knowledge content, or watch a TV for a short period of entertainment.
For example, the purpose we need to achieve is to "cultivate the child's awareness of participating in housework", then we do not have to stare closely at whether the child washes the dishes clean enough, and the foothold is to let the child volunteer to find the sense of accomplishment brought about by independent self-care, rather than turning this matter into the child's task)
These reflections can help us cool down the "anger points", and some observations can even help us to quickly withdraw from these emotions the next time negative emotions breed, without reaching the state that triggers the "anger points" again.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="53" > Conclusion:</h1>
Don't let the parents' "anger point" become the child's "sad point", you think that even if the waves are turbulent, you can restore calm, but it may be a memory that the child's psychology cannot erase, and the scars that are constantly torn open.