I have a colleague, a young girl, she is a "good person" among the people around her: responsive, as long as you open your mouth, she will hardly refuse; she cares very much about the evaluation of others, but whenever someone says a bad word, she will be sad for a long time; she is very sensitive, with her, even if you are in a daze, she will immediately ask you what is wrong, afraid that you have any unhappy emotions.
People say she's a good person to get along with, but I know that she's tired, she doesn't have a real friend, she wears a mask all the time... She is just a child who has been tightly controlled by her parents since she was a child, pleases her parents when she is a child, and grows up to please the people around her, and lives an awkward life.
- Uncle Kai
Author | Meng Chen
"I was born for the love and peace of this world, and I am the perfect girl 2020."
This sentence is the definition of Xiao Ai, the AI robot played by Yang Mi, Xiao Ai, in the final work of Zhao Wei's "Hear Her Say".
Xiao Ai is an AI robot, she has the most perfect artificial intelligence database, can provide customers with the most perfect housekeeping services, can clean the room spotlessly, can also do full han full of seats;
You can chat with customers for one night, or you can care for the elderly in a nursing home.
She can do it whenever the client needs it.
But in her world, there is no thought, no pain, no shame, and no ego.
Even when she was sold to the special user with serious violent tendencies, she would still smile when she was whipped on the ground, beaten to the bone and missing finger, or even twisted off her neck.
She exists only to constantly cater to others, to please others, to meet the expectations of all.
AI "Perfect Girl" Xiao Ai is an amplified real-life character. How many children in reality are becoming the ones in their hearts that are customized as "perfect"?
They are humble and pandering, unprincipled and bottomless, intolerant of rejection, unexpressive, and silently endured.
Even the fault of others will take it upon themselves, fear of hearing negative evaluations from others, and always carefully suppress themselves.
When I was a child, I pleased my parents, and when I grew up, I pleased the world, but I forgot to please myself.
This is the psychology definition of flattering personality, and such children, they are immersed in the evaluation and vision of others, can not be the most authentic self.
American family therapist Virginia Satya proposed:
Flattery is a posture of survival. In a stressful situation, a person ignores his own feelings, thinks that others and situations are more important than himself, tries to please all people and things, and does not care about himself.
He Ziqiu in "In the Name of Family" is such a child.
As soon as he was born, he was not recognized by his father; after the age of 8, he was ruthlessly abandoned by his mother. The little boy Qiu lived extremely carefully, and in order not to be abandoned again, he did his best to please his family.
He saw the little frog's toy and couldn't help but play for a while, and after being angrily hit on the ground by his sister, he hurried to apologize;
When he heard the aunt and grandmother in the shop jokingly say, "If you don't obey, your father will send you away", he silently helped the family with many chores.
Go to the toilet in the middle of the night to wash clothes, mop the floor, go to the noodle shop to help the cook.
In order to continue to stay in this family, Xiao Ziqiu bears the heartache and hardship that he should not bear at this age; in order to please everyone, Xiao Ziqiu is exceptionally well-behaved and sensible.
Children who are too sensible are actually understanding other people's affairs and understanding other people's sufferings.
It is about others, and when there is conflict with others, habitual obedience to others.
The habitually flattering child, as the psychologist Brian Little metaphorically puts it, is actually an onion, which, when peeled off layer by layer, is hollow inside, has no core, and has no self.
Such a child will use his life to please and fill the hole in his heart.
The final result is to hollow out yourself and live into a shell.
American educator Mitchell. The flattering personality stems from childhood trauma, fauna, where parents never or rarely give their children "unconditional love," Farn said.
In exchange for the love of their parents, children force themselves to seek perfection, obey and understand things, and compromise everything.
Because only in this way can you be entitled to the attention and love of your parents.
In real life, it is these kinds of parents who are the most likely to raise children with pleasing personalities.
Intimidating parents
The famous speaker Fan Deng once pointed out in a speech that the source of children becoming flattering personalities, he said:
Many mothers will say when their children are disobedient,
You do this again, no one likes you; you do it again, I give you away; I am not your mother, don't call me.
When the mother uses this trick, the child immediately admits it, because the child's sense of security comes from the parents.
At this time, when the child will be tired of saying "mom, mom", in fact, this is already the beginning of flattery.
The child has become obedient and sensible, but under the well-behaved appearance, it is the child who is afraid of being blamed, afraid of being ignored, afraid of his parents' disappointment, and even afraid of his parents abandoning his helplessness.
Long-term demanding parents
I've seen such a story online.
A girl learns well from an early age and is at the top three in her class on every exam.
When she once reached the fifth place, her mother's face changed, she threw the signed test paper on the ground, and said coldly:
"Reflect on the reasons for so much regression, and don't sign next time until the first place."
It is true that parents have requirements for their children, but if all the good looks come from the children's achievements, living in this high-standard and high-pressure environment is old, and the children are prone to become extremely sensitive and sensible.
When the grades are not ideal, she will immediately admit her mistakes to her mother;
When her mother came home from overtime, she would immediately give her mother a pat on the back;
When her mother was in a bad mood, she immediately used her commitment to excuse her mother:
"Mom, next month's midterm exam, I will definitely be in the top three." ......
For the sake of her mother's requirements and expectations, the girl always tries to please her mother, even if her mother's mood has nothing to do with her, she will use her commitment to comfort her mother.
German brain scientist Gerald Huther said: To be happy, the child must feel unconditionally loved by his parents; if not, he will become habitually flattered, and the rest of his life will be easily spent in the pain of unattainable.
Because they can't let go, can't care about other people's opinions, they always feel nervous, they have to keep working hard, they are eager to get the recognition and attention of others, and they do their best to fill the lack of love and security in their hearts with worldly success.
Such children will eventually lose themselves in the evaluation and eyes of others.
Overly aggressive parents
In the variety show "Dear Little Desk", there is a xu mother who actually let her son, who has just entered the first grade, make 270 test papers, 7 big questions, and 50 answer sheets in a winter vacation.
She also said with satisfaction that the child had a great sense of accomplishment.
Fu Seoul hit the nail on the head: "You have a great sense of accomplishment, and your son knows how to please you." ”
However, in the show, children are inferior, introverted, and do not have the courage to express their true thoughts.
Psychologist Zhang Min said:
Children already have a tendency to flatter personality, if the parents do not correct, then the child will be more inferior, no self.
Behind every child who is confused and seeking perfection is trying to seek the approval, attention and heartache of his parents.
In the novel "Silent Confession", it is said:
We spend our whole lives trying to get rid of the expectations of others and find our true selves.
Although the child is the expectation and vision of the parents, as a parent, you cannot use the strong means of intimidation, high standards, and even high above to force the child to become a self who looks sensible and obedient, but has already been injured.
Children nourished by the tolerant love of their parents will have the confidence to have the confidence, independent personality, and the freedom to firmly love themselves and live for themselves.
Just like AI Xiao Ai, in the end, the engineer couldn't bear it and deleted all her information and data.
Freed from these fetters, she was freed and reborn.
Yang Mi also redefined the "perfect girl":
The perfect girl in my mind has a self and feelings.
I have always believed that every individual should be alive and beautiful, not shaped by other people's preferences, by the standard price of the market, and polished as a cookie-cutter boring appearance of a commodity.
May our children follow their hearts, fear no darkness or wind or rain, and move forward all the way to live a wonderful life of flesh and blood.
—— End ——
Author: Meng Chen, multi-platform contracted author, on the road of life, writing for warmth, cooking words to cure hunger. Some of the pictures are from the Internet, and the copyright belongs to the original author.