Reader Question: General, I am a 37-year-old middle-aged girl who has not officially been in a relationship with a boyfriend so far.
When I was in elementary school, I lived in a relative's house for 2 years, was molested by the male elders of relatives for 2 years, was timid and did not dare to resist, and told the elders of the family that he could not change this situation, which may be the reason for this experience, I am both eager and afraid of men and love.
When you are young, when you see a boy you like, you will want to get close to each other, but you are very inferior and dare not approach. I have encountered the situation where the other party expresses good feelings, but I am very nervous, I dare not take a step forward, I always feel that I am not good enough, and I do not know how to get along with each other.
At the age of 29, there was a boy I liked very much, who liked the same love and had a lot of fun, and when he wanted to confirm the relationship, I still felt afraid and hesitated to retreat.
A year later I knew that the boy had a girlfriend to get married, I had depression, moderate, saw a doctor to take medicine for more than 2 years, had improved but felt that I was too dependent on drugs and doctors, so I stopped seeing doctors, and finally walked out by willpower, and now my mentality is healthy and cheerful.
But my heart has been closed since I was 30 years old, I have never liked a boy again, and sometimes I feel good when I see a good boy, but I don't have the feeling of being in love and wanting to be in love.
Now I finally feel that I have to try it, and I feel very contradictory, one is that I feel that I am so old, the conditions are general (the appearance is more popular, the work income is acceptable), and I always feel that no one will look at it;
The second is that I feel that I have not yet experienced a young and passionate love, I have entered middle age to accept the situation that I may feel that I am fit to marry after various considerations, and I always feel that there is regret for missing something, and I also feel that this idea is not quite right, but I do not know how to adjust this mentality.
The General answered:
After reading the first half of the question, the mood also follows you constantly, from the experience of being molested in childhood to the sensitive and inferior adolescence, to missing love and depression, such an experience is not something that anyone can bear, and you finally came out.
For you to be happy, you can also feel your life energy, with this energy, whether you are in love or married, I believe you can live well.
The second half of the mental journey, which I am quite familiar with, are all "older" single women, which is indeed a very delicate and indescribable state.
But I don't think your ambivalence needs to be deliberately adjusted.
Both the desire for passionate and sweet love, but also facing the reality of considering the degree of marriage matching, this is actually not just a special situation for you and me, it can be said that the female group is prone to fall into the dilemma, but with the increase of age, the degree of contradiction is more prominent.
What you call "adjusting the mentality" is actually to reduce the conflict at least the cognitive level of reality, "obey" to choose one of the two, either convince yourself to fall in love no matter how much, or let yourself not consider the wind and snow, only care about whether you can enter the marriage.
To be honest, this is almost a collision between two opposing values, and few people (especially women) can do one or the other. Without a lot of love, you need a lot of money, but XiBao's heart is still conflicted and burdened.
So there's really no need to force yourself to "focus" on a certain goal before the story starts, to fall in love for the sake of love, or to get married for the sake of getting married, there's no difference, it's all about it in my opinion.
In fact, it can be less targeted, although we all want to take the nearest path to the end, want to "point where to fight", but landing in life, where is the nearest path? Instead, "which points to fight" is not to waste the scenery on this road.
My mentality is that I am not sure that I must have a passionate love affair, nor that I have to hurry to find a marriage partner for a limited time. What story happens to whom you meet is not entirely up to you, it is better to "what you encounter is what you can get."
Journeys that don't anchor with fixed goals are fun.
Of course, it's good to have a goal, but you can't frame your choices with goals, you can dream of falling in love or getting married, but what if you encounter a paradoxical ambiguity? It can't give you love, and you can't get married, but this ambiguity also has its meaning for you, have you ever been happy? Is there a new understanding? Is there a clarification of the self?
This ambiguity passes through your life, leaving you traces, which is a kind of result.
Maybe you would say that you are not young, it is difficult not to think about the future and the results, you do not have time to squander on fruitless things, about the sense of urgency that this age has created, I think:
Just because the age is not small, or even "late", it is even more unnecessary, anyway, miss the "marriageable age", anyway, already in the face of the possibility of "lonely and old", then may as well be calm.
A few days ago watching the documentary directed by Xu Anhua, she misremembered the time to take her mother to the nursing home, got up early in the morning but pounced on the empty, see this you will guess, she will blame herself for apologizing or gambling or so on, right? She didn't, she smiled and said to her mother, "Why don't we go for coffee."
I like this paragraph very much, miss it, miss it, and if it is not realized according to the plan, it will not be realized, since this is already the case, it is better for us to go for a drink, this cup of coffee can also make this morning warm and beautiful, meaningful.
I wish we all had the ease and composure to laugh and say to ourselves, "Why don't you go for coffee?"
Your question is more of a kind of mentality pull, or in the face of choice of mental entanglement, similar to this question I am difficult and not very good at giving relatively clear advice or methods, especially for the entanglement of emotional dimension, what is the absolute correct answer.
So I'd rather share an open line of thought, so that people can see that there is a vast space beyond the options you think, and I want to tell everyone that this is not a problem.
You can live well no matter what, and this contradiction, entanglement and confusion will not damage your life.
This is not chicken soup, but the presentation of new possibilities. Gina, who starred in "The End of the Road". Davis founded an agency that promotes gender equality and diversity with the slogan "If she can see it, she can do it."
I believe that if you can see that there is a choice beyond the choice, and there is also relaxation outside the urgency, then after seeing it, you can do it too.
Come on! #Single##大龄 #
General Guo, master of psychology from Beijing Normal University, national second-level psychological counselor, popular author of Han Han [ONE], author of the book works "For Yourself You Are Still a Stranger" and "The World Prefers Self-Healing and Self-Pleasure".