Author: Li Wanwan
I wrote a similar article three years ago, and today I'm rewriting it on this subject for two reasons.
One is that the divorce rate has been growing in recent years, and the data is a bit shocking; the second is that I think more about marriage and hope to give unmarried friends some references.
Let's talk about the divorce rate first.
In 2016, there were about 8.3 million divorces in China; in 2017, this figure became 8.8 million; in 2018, the figure was more than 8.9 million.
(This is a rough estimate, the result of multiplying the logarithm of divorce by 2.) ）
The overall data for 2019 may not come out until August, but I just looked at the official website of the Ministry of Civil Affairs, and the number of registered divorces in 2019 is 4.043 million pairs.
According to the 669,000 pairs in 2017 and 649,000 pairs in 2018, it is estimated that in 2019 it is also between 600,000 and 700,000, taking an intermediate number, that is, 650,000 pairs, plus 4.043 million pairs registered by the Ministry of Civil Affairs, the total number of divorce pairs in 2019 should be about 4.7 million pairs, then, roughly calculated - in 2019, the number of divorces in the country is about 9.4 million.
According to this growth rate, in 2021 or 2022, the number of divorcees in China should exceed 10 million per year.
The rising divorce rate illustrates a problem: marriages are becoming more and more fragile.
Marriages are becoming more and more fragile, which means – for many people, marriage means divorce. In the past 5 years, I have been doing emotional counseling, met countless divorced people, and seen the family breakdown behind divorce and all kinds of problems that cannot be faced and solved - divorce, for many people, is a disaster in life. In the face of divorce, they don't know how to face their own feelings, don't know how to face young children, don't know how to face their elderly parents, and don't know how to face the rest of life.
However, after hearing so many divorce stories, I have found that the breakdown of marriage is often not a problem after marriage, but has been laid before marriage.
Recently, I heard that the "cooling-off period for divorce" is going to be written into law, and I think the "cooling-off period for marriage" is more important. If you want to not divorce, do not blindly marry, the most important thing that needs to be solved is to think clearly about these marriage problems before marriage.
What are the problems? I listed 10 categories with 29 questions.
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > the first category, about self-knowledge</h1>
Self-awareness is the most important thing, marriage is a small group of two individuals, people have problems, then the marriage will definitely have problems. Many people in China are not divorced now, mainly because there are still traditional concepts to support, and in another ten or twenty years, after people are liberated from traditional ideas, divorce will really be as common as breaking up.
So, the part of self-awareness is very, very important, that is, you have to know how many pounds you have.
1. What kind of person am I, and am I suitable for marriage?
(The question is whether you are happy to be with others, whether you can find happiness in the process of getting along with others, and whether you are willing to love others.) In fact, some people are just not suitable for marriage, don't embarrass yourself)
2. If I am alone, can I support this small family?
(There may be accidents in marriage, and even some completely predictable times when a person needs to carry the family, such as wife childbirth, or for example, husband has an accident, do you have such ability and psychological preparation)
3. Do I really want to get married?
(Many people are hesitant or even do not want to get married before marriage, but in the unwilling, unwilling, confused, pushed into marriage, the result is self-evident)
4. Can I live a good life alone?
(Many people get married because they don't live a good life, they get married to find someone else to solve their problems, and this starting point is wrong.) All people who want to get married should be able to at least be alone)
<h1 class = "pgc-h-arrow-right" > the second category, on the question of mental cultivation in marriage</h1>
Marriage is a very difficult thing, many people in front of relatives, friends and colleagues, are a good-looking, good temper, very understanding people, but as soon as they enter marriage, the worst side of human nature is completely exploded.
Marriage is too much test of people's hearts and cultivation, many married people, think that his other half is very bad to him, very temperamental, talk very poisonous, think that the other party does not love themselves - but in fact, many people have bad tempers, speak viciously, and have nothing to do with love or not, just because his upbringing or cultivation is not good.
Therefore, before marriage, it is still necessary to clarify the issue of cultivation and mentality.
5. What kind of temper am I? In our past quarrels, have I ever said hurtful things, and has he said something very hurtful? Have we corrected those problems?
(If the other party has hurt you countless times during the relationship, bad temper hurts you and does not change, you still have to be cautious)
6. Do I know how to think about the other party, even if I am angry, I can take care of the other party's emotions? Conversely, did he know how to think about me? If he doesn't understand, can I understand him?
7. Is there a quality in him that I particularly appreciate? Have we often expressed our appreciation for each other in past interactions?
8. Am I a good listener? Every time he has something, a problem, or an emotion, do I patiently listen to him and then talk about it? Conversely, is he good at listening?
9) Do we often express our gratitude to each other?
10. Are we all happy to communicate, and when we encounter problems/differences, we will solve them through good consultation?
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" > the third category, about the family of origin</h1>
The wounds brought by the original family may be a lifetime, and many people cannot heal the wounds brought by the original family in their lifetime. You are not a savior, you can't save him to a large extent, so before you get married, you still have to understand clearly and see how well you accept it.
11. Do I come from a harmonious, happy, loving family?
(If I come from a broken, cold, repressive family, it means that I am somehow lacking in the ability to love others, my heart and temper may not be very good, and I may be more insecure and sensitive.) Then I should maintain a certain degree of self-examination in the world of two people, and don't always think that I am right)
12. Does the other party come from a happy family whose parents love each other?
(If the other party's original family is not very happy, then should I be more tolerant of him and more prepared to treat him, or I think I still can't tolerate it, leave early)
13. Have we met both parents many times, and what is the attitude of both parents towards our union?
(There is a saying that marriages that are not blessed by their parents will not be happy, and for many marriages, this is true)
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > the fourth category on quarrels/infidelity/divorce</h1>
After marriage, quarrels are almost inevitable. And betrayal is very possible, seven out of ten married men will cheat, and three out of ten married women will cheat. The possibility of divorce also exists, and now it is almost necessary to form two pairs and leave one.
Therefore, it is necessary to make ideological preparations in advance, so as not to suddenly face adaptation after marriage.
14) As a man, in an argument, can I be as tolerant of women as possible? As a woman, can I stop saying vicious things in my arguments, and can we really argue about things?
15. What should I do if the other party betrays me in the future?
(You'd better be prepared for betrayal, you have to acquiesce to this is a thing that will happen, cherish every day together, don't pin all the meaning of life on each other, this is very dangerous)
16. If we divorce in the future, can we be calm?
(Anyone who treats the other person as his or her all is dangerous to get married.) The phrase "you're my everything" may sound touching, but it's also super destructive. Again, it is the premise of marriage that the two people who make up the marriage can be able to be alone. Otherwise, if you take him as the whole of your life, how can you let him go when you divorce, how can you get together and disperse)
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > fifth category, on the question of sacrifice</h1>
Marriage will inevitably face choices and sacrifices, which must be discussed before marriage.
17 If one of us must give up our career to support the family in the future, who will give up?
(Whoever drops it should be included in the discussion as early as possible.) ）
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > sixth category on the ideal of common marriage</h1>
Being in the same boat is the ideal of marriage and a very important element in maintaining it.
18. When I encounter a problem, will I think from the perspective of "us"? Does he also think from the perspective of "us"?
(Many couples and even couples are like this - when it is good, you and I are not distinguished, as soon as we encounter difficulties and differences, we immediately become enemies, we must quickly draw a clear line, you are you, I am me - such a marriage is difficult to maintain)
19. What are our plans for three years? What are the plans for five years?
(If you don't even plan for three or five years, this kind of marriage is a coincidence, or it is just overwhelmed by love, there is no common plan, what is the purpose of marriage?) ）
< h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > the seventh category, on the division of labor in the family</h1>
20. Do I have the ability to manage housework? Can I cook? Will you clean up, tidy up, and clean your house? What about the other side? Can I tolerate it if the other person is not involved in housework or does not have the ability to do housework?
21, when we do housework, full of resentment or feel very enjoyable? Are we willing to help each other with housework?
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > the eighth category, on the question of sex</h1>
On the issue of sex, many couples avoid talking about it, and dissatisfaction will be over, especially many female friends will ignore this matter.
But it's really important, if the sex problem becomes a problem, then everything else is a problem.
22. Have we ever made public past sexual experiences? Do you mind each other?
23. Is our sex life harmonious? Have you ever had a health check-up? Are there fertility issues?
(Premarital physical examination is a must-do, and cohabitation for a longer period of time before marriage should also be done)
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > the ninth category, about companionship</h1>
24. Can I be alone? Can I give the other person a certain amount of space?
25. Do we have any common interests in daily life? Do you often go to play together?
26 Will I beg him to accompany me?
(In marriage, it is best not to ask the other party to accompany you, if you often ask him to accompany you before you get married, then you still don't get married in this marriage.) The matter of companionship itself is willing, mutual, active, and happy, if even companionship must be "begged", sooner or later it will be a problem)
<h1 class= "pgc-h-arrow-right" > tenth class, questions about children</h1>
Children are the most important product of most marriages, and finding a good father or mother for children is the most important criterion for finding a partner.
Couples are likely to divorce, and after divorce, they can find their own lives and partners again, but the parents of the children will not change, and finding a good parent for the children is the bottom line of the marriage appeal.
27 Will I be a competent father/mother? Do we learn a lot about it in order to raise children?
28. Under what conditions and when do we have children?
29. If we have a dispute over our children's education, who will give the final decision? Or who decides what things and what things are decided by another person?
Well, this is probably the 29 questions you should think about before marriage, not necessarily all of them, but you must at least think about it, let these questions enter your brain, you can't say a blank piece of paper to face marriage - marriage is not a child's play.
You don't think about it in advance, get married as soon as your brain is hot, and after you get married, you will find that many things are completely different from your phenomenon.
Just like I used to buy furniture, think of what to buy, there is no unified planning, the result is to buy a lot of things, and then found that they can't use or don't like it, want to throw and feel pity, want to continue to use and dislike.
Hopefully, everyone who wants to get married should be truly aware of one problem:
Marriage is not love, marriage is two people or even a bunch of people living a long, long, long time. Simply relying on love and not loving and simply looking at conditions is not enough, because the relationship between two people is a dynamic relationship, and the relationship itself is a demand relationship - do not want to be long-term, how can it work?