There is a word in English called crush. If you look up the dictionary, it will tell you that this means "crush, crush, crush." Later, when I arrived in the United States, I learned that it was a noun and had another meaning: "briefly, passionately, but shyly in love."
——Liu Yu, "Send You a Bullet"
Once, there were fan comments in the background and we said:
"I'm very easy to be impressed, it seems that I can look good, am I too careful?"
"It is easy to like, but also easy to lose interest, often can not reach each other to understand each other to communicate, on the 'empathy and don't fall in love'." Why? ”
Let's talk to you today about what it's like to feel like you're easy to like. First, let's do a simple self-test to see if you have experienced or are experiencing such a heart-pounding experience:
When he is around:
When you suddenly see him, you will be shy and nervous, and you can't help but smirk
When he was facing his four eyes, his heart beat faster, and he even felt dizzy
I wasn't sure how much distance I needed to keep, but I wanted to have physical contact with him
When chatting, I want to impress him, and deliberately play treasure cool to attract his attention
Although a large group of people are together, only ta can be seen in the eyes, and everyone else automatically becomes the background
You will care more about your appearance than usual, you will dress up carefully before meeting, and you will not be able to help but tidy up your hairstyle and dress when you get along
When not with him:
The figure of ta lingers in your mind
When chatting with others, I often mention him, and sometimes I don't realize it
You will change your past behavior patterns or habits for him, such as taking a long detour just to meet him by chance, deliberately cultivating the same interests and hobbies as him, just to have more common topics with him
You will daydream about ta and fantasize about the scene when you are with him
Listening to music, watching movies, and reading books will make you think of them
Anything related to ta haunts you
Seeing this, who is that person in your mind? If you look at these descriptions and think of someone, there's no doubt that you have a crush on him/her!
<h1>01. What is Rush? </h1>
The original origin of the word Crush refers to the crowded social gatherings or dances of the 19th century. The Urban Dictionary defines rush as "a strong desire to feel extremely attractive and unique when with a person.". If we were to translate rush as Chinese, we would think of many words such as heartbeat, infatuation, crush, obsession, etc., but none of them seem to be able to accurately describe the meaning of rush, that is, an indescribable short and intense obsession with someone who cannot ask for it.
We may find rush's feelings complex and unclear, but conceptually, crush can be simply divided into four types:
Friendship: You want to trust him unconditionally, you want to be the closest and most special good friend with him, but you don't want to sleep with him, this special friendship connection has nothing to do with sexual desire, so it is also called "platonic rush".
Worship: If you admire talented celebrities or admire some teachers, you will feel that their charm is unstoppable, but when you are in an equal relationship, you will be in awe of them, and this rush may slowly fade.
Like the new and tired of the old: It often happens when you already have a significant other; you meet a new person in your life, and you feel excited, attracted, and even feel that you have the possibility of ambiguity.
Romantic: Your desire to hold hands, hug and kiss with him is a fascination with whom you want to be a lover and accompany sexual fantasies.
It is not difficult to find that no matter which kind of rush, in the relationship is one-way, by me to point to each other: although I do not have much intersection with ta, I still feel attracted to ta. Such a single arrow determines that the rush is difficult to last too long, and it also means that we are extremely eager to get the emotional feedback of the other party, so it is easy to fall into a strong obsession.
Seeing this, you may have understood that crush is still some distance away from true liking. So, what is the difference between crush and liking?
On the one hand, Crush seems to be much faster than really likes. Sometimes, we don't know the object of the rush very well, and we say that we have "fallen in love" without hesitation.
Another notable difference between Crush and Like is that Rush comes from fantasy. We tend to feel that the object of the rush is perfect, and you don't even need to connect and interact based on reality, you can trust him unconditionally, pay attention to him continuously, involuntarily think about him, fantasize about various scenes with him, and spend a lifetime with each other in your mind.
But calm down and think about it, we don't really know the guy we're rushing with. We seem anxious to find certain attributes in him that are related to the self. We project our own values and love concepts, and our desires can be placed on the carrier of reality. How romantic the fantasy is, how easy it is to crush.
But in the time when we feel overwhelmed, we need to call back some sanity to discern whether we're just imagining a relationship or craving true intimacy.
<h1>02. Why do I easily look at a person? </h1>
Everyone has a unique reason for the crash. We asked some of our friends what was the reason when they met rush, and got various answers, such as:
"Good looking, stars in the eyes, smile like a little sun"
"Good sound"
"Good smell"
"No resistance to the type that is well cared for"
"Good temperament, like a spring breeze"
But these subjective factors are just the trigger points for rush. The mechanism behind this can be explained from both physiological and cognitive aspects.
In terms of physiological mechanism, the occurrence of crush often makes us experience the feeling of being overwhelmed and the heart beating faster. This change in mood and attention levels comes from the secretion of oxytocin by dopamine in the later lobes of stimulation. Crush's subjects don't respond to us, but dopamine gives us the reward of neurotransmitters that make us fall in love.
The occurrence of rush can also be explained from a cognitive point of view. In our cognitive networks, past acquired experiences, memories, and preferences have long been secretly guiding our choice of attention. For example, in the past you felt that people who took the initiative to smile at others were gentle and released kindness. Well, when someone who takes the initiative to smile at you shows up, you unconsciously pay more attention to him.
The automated process of this perceptual process is so fast that you can't perceive it. At that moment, you will only feel that love is coming, and your heart is like hundreds of butterflies dancing.
* Why are some people more likely to fall into a rush?
So why are some people more likely to fall into rush than those around them? This may be related to the development of the individual during puberty.
Surveys show that people's first crucifixions often occur in early adolescence. Teenagers are in a state of sexual ignorance, and the crush experience allows them to explore their intimate relationships and sexual impulses in a safe way.
However, if a person suffers setbacks in trying to establish intimate relationships during adolescence, such as being rejected by someone with good feelings, being coaxed into gossip by classmates, or even being hit more severely, then when they enter adulthood, they are more likely to rush than those around them.
The rush of adulthood is like a kind of "fixation". Due to the blow during puberty, the level of sexual and psychological development of individuals may stagnate. Even if they have grown up biologically, they will continue to adopt the intimacy and sexual satisfaction of adolescents, trying to repair past trauma or make up for past regrets.
In a sense, people who are particularly prone to crush may be running away from true intimacy. The psychological need behind Crush is the fear of confessing failure, the fear of facing the ups and downs in the existing relationship, the fear of the establishment and rupture of the relationship, and more likely to resist the cruel reality after the disillusionment. We interpret each other willingly, romanticize each other's ordinary behavior, and mistakenly think that the relationship is advancing, but it is not.
<h1>03. What should I do if I encounter a rush? </h1>
Through the content of the first two parts, you may find yourself in the rush, tormented by this feeling of not being able to ask for it, you clearly know that this is not love, want to control it, but do not know what to do; or, you often enter the state of rush, and then quickly disengage, but you can't really start falling in love with the other party, you want to start with rush to develop an intimate relationship.
How do you deal with both situations? We explore them separately below.
1． Troubled by rush, how to control this emotion?
If you're struggling with rush and suffering, here are a few tips:
Consciously tell yourself that crush is just fantasy. The other person is not really involved in your life, and you can also restrain your behavior;
Looking for alternative activities to distract oneself, such as doing exercise to promote the release of dopamine from the body to make one feel happy;
Ask yourself, what is the focus of your life right now? What is the goal? Focusing on the life in front of you, you may unconsciously feel the crush fade.
One thing to note is that simply generating a rush on a psychological level does not necessarily cause damage. Especially in the case of having a partner but rushing on other people, crush does not mean spiritual infidelity. Studies have shown that for women who have a stable relationship but have been attracted to others, crush does not have a negative impact on their original romantic relationship, but instead strengthens their desire for their partner.
Therefore, our choice to control the rush does not mean that the rush itself is not good, nor does it mean that you have made any mistakes. On the contrary, restraining oneself at the level of behavior is the embodiment of reason. You can guide yourself to accept the status quo until the mood fades over time.
2. If you want to develop rush, how to take it a step forward?
Crush doesn't naturally develop into an intimate relationship. It has been noted in the literature that most young people say that their crush objects are met by chance, and that the contacts later only develop into friends, and few further develop into more intimate relationships.
There are also many fans backstage who have revealed their hearts and said: "Crush dragging will be worn out if it doesn't start as soon as possible", "I don't want to rush, I want to really fall in love with someone's feelings".
If we don't want to stay in the state of rush anymore, but decide to put it into action and advance the relationship, the first thing we need to do is to stop the unrealistic fantasies and let the inner drama floating in the air land. You need to recognize what your relationship actually is and how far away you are from the other person.
Next, here are a few tips for building a relationship with each other:
Always remember that the other party does not know your rush, nor does it know your past inner drama;
Express your appreciation for him appropriately and generously, and don't expect him to read your thoughts;
Start by being friends, pay attention to listening to each other, understand each other's true personality, preferences, and so on.
Although the essence of rush is only a fantasy, it is undeniable that the process of crush can make us experience an overwhelming, short-lived state of high mental pleasure that studies have shown that not only reduces our loneliness, but also makes us feel really present. Crush reminds us that our feelings can be so vivid, sincere and intense that our lives are not a barren wasteland, but a series of mountains with dense forests and majestic waterfalls.
As Liu Yu said: "When the rush comes, indulge it, but there is no need to try to grab it and force its head into the grain of love." You are obsessed with this fantasy, but you also stay in this fantasy. You look at the match in your hand, so short, slowly burning to your fingertips, and then extinguishing. After extinguishing, you are grateful for the brief but bright little flame in the boundless darkness. ”
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