In many countries today, "singles" are a fast-growing group.
According to data from the Ministry of Civil Affairs, There are 240 million single people in China, of which the number of people living alone will exceed 92 million this year;
Among south Koreans over the age of 30, 42.5 are not married;
The proportion of the single population in Sweden is as high as 51%.
The more developed the economy, the faster the single population grows?
There is a set of marriage rate data that indicate trends in the last decade.
In 2011, the number of marriage pairs in China was 13.024 million pairs, and by 2020, this figure has dropped to 8.143 million pairs, a decrease of nearly 5 million pairs.
But in contradiction with the trend of singleness, in most parts of the world, it is still difficult for people to accept that they are always single;
Single people still have to face many accusations of failure, poor social skills, misfortune and so on.
Why don't we look forward to marriage anymore?
Can marriage alleviate the fear of ending up alone?
How can people living alone gain social security?
The Single Society is a book that studies the phenomenon of modern people being single, written by Ilyakin Chislev, a Ph.D. in sociology at Columbia University, who looks in numerous cases for the meaning of marriage for modern people and the key to achieving happiness.
"I don't know what's wrong with me."
When the author interviews single people, he often hears such self-blame.
Society's negative impression of single people has become deeply rooted in people's hearts, especially single women, who face a worse situation.
People who voluntarily choose to be single are often seen as rebels against mainstream society;
People who have to be single are regarded as unfortunate examples.
Marta, 42, who lives in Los Angeles, told the author about her stress:
Because I am single, the way my family treats herself is very uncomfortable.
My father said it was stupid for me not to hurry up and find a good home, and my mother kept telling me that the only thing she was upset about now was my marriage.
Marta receives a message from her parents that she is stupid, insecure, and worrying about her parents, and this fear and prejudice is encountered by single people all over the world.
The same is true in the workplace, married people, especially those with children, their time is precious, and it is understandable that they have made mistakes;
Single people have nothing to do, and it is natural to focus more on their work.
Many employers offer health care grants and other benefits to an employee's spouse, but they do not subsidize the parents, siblings, and parents of single workers.
The author conducted a survey of 54 real estate agents, and there were three customers in the same house, namely a married couple, two cohabitants in the relationship, and two ordinary friends.
61% of intermediaries would prefer to rent the house to married couples, 24% to cohabiting couples, and only 15% to rent to those two ordinary friends.
Simply being aware of the single bias can boost a single person's sense of self-worth and happiness.
A woman who participated in the author's interview said:
"Knowing that there really is single discrimination and marriage mania in the world, and not being overly sensitive myself, has a feeling of sudden enlightenment."
Single discrimination and marriage mania still make me angry at times, but I know what I'm angry about. ”
Also single, there will be anxious people, confused people, enjoyers.
In the face of prejudice and even discrimination, whether you choose to internalize these negative stereotypes into your own shackles, or choose not to care about these views and self-acceptance, determines whether you can experience happiness in singleness.
There are braver people who will choose to fight discrimination.
Some people tilted their heads and said to me in a sympathetic tone, "Ha, are you still single?" ”
I would also say in a sympathetic tone, "Ah, do you still have an object?" Can't you live on your own? ”
Adam, 32, is particularly afraid that when he is old, his physical problems will be left unattended.
Although he is still young, although even if he is married, he has a high probability of divorce or widowhood, although there is a big gap between the expected needs and the actual needs...
Adam was still afraid of the "lifelong unmarried" thing.
Why do people have this fear in their prime?
The author believes that this is an emotional worry that is engraved in childhood.
Growing up, we used to be accompanied by many friends of the same age.
From kindergarten to college, we are always surrounded by peers and parents and teachers who take care of us.
Leaving campus, we each embarked on a different path in life, in the adult world, social intensity became less intense, less protective, and when we left the role of protector, the desire to find a partner reached its peak.
One study showed that the desire to find a partner was highest between the ages of 25 and 34, and three-quarters of singles in this age group are willing to marry, but two-thirds of single respondents aged 35 to 69 have no intention of getting married.
The fear of being alone and dying, and the fear of being alone when they are dying, are the reasons why many people enter marriage.
Imagine those images:
An old man walks slowly on the street, lonely and lonely, even sick, and no one can talk;
Sit on a park bench and tear bread crumbs to feed the pigeons, spending day after day;
Returning at night to the old, cramped apartment, the room is stuffed with clutter that exudes the smell of old things...
Unfortunately, marriage is not an effective medicine for loneliness, the author bluntly points out:
Any marriage ends up with only three sad outcomes:
Widowhood, divorce, death, there is always a person to face the loneliness of old age.
A social survey of 30 European countries found that among the elderly who have been married and "never married", the loneliness of "never married" is even lower, and the loneliness of divorced or widowed people is even higher.
People who have never been married have more time, money, and energy to devote to their original family, friends, and social networks, so they can get support and build a safety net from social networks more efficiently.
Recently, two tragedies that have occurred to girls living alone have been lamented.
In September, "a girl living alone in Shanghai was killed and thrown away";
In October, "a 25-year-old girl living alone in Xiamen was killed in a rental house."
They have all become targets of criminals because of their "solitary" nature.
Every time a similar tragedy occurs, it makes young people living alone anxious and afraid that one day it will happen to them.
Being single, like living alone, has both a longing and a frightening side.
On the one hand, there is the beauty of freedom and elegance, and on the other hand, there is the helplessness of taking on all the pressure alone.
Escaping the dangers of living alone requires us to raise our safety awareness and strengthen our security measures, rather than living with inappropriate people;
Similarly, avoiding the possibility of ending up alone requires us to have enough self-acceptance to resist social pressures, a fulfilling spiritual world, and three or five friends to support each other, rather than blindly choosing to hide in marriage.
An inclusive world that allows people with different lifestyles to feel safe.
In the early 2000s, UN Population recommended the construction of special shelters for unmarried elderly people.
In Paris, someone has designed a common residential area for women, and women who choose to live alone for the rest of their lives can live in.
In addition to the necessary medical personnel in the residential area, they do not hire staff, but take care of each other and take care of each other.
The model of single older and younger people sharing housing is also emerging around the world.
Whether you are lonely or not depends on subjective feelings, not on objective facts such as whether or not you are married.
Neither being single nor getting married means necessarily happiness, but more importantly how a person faces loneliness and builds his own social support system.
Sometimes we can't choose whether or not to be alone, but we can decide whether or not to feel lonely.
Author | Kale, write other people's stories well, live your own life.
Image | Visual China