Let's analyze it: Why do couples always quarrel over small things? Because when many people come to find teachers, even if they have already made trouble to separate, or in a stage of the Cold War, they are brought up by some small things. For example, the kind of thing that asked him to bring a garbage this morning and he didn't bring it, or the message came back a little slower, or let him buy something to come back, he forgot, these little things can be quarrelsome.
There is even a paragraph on the Internet before, which is particularly interesting, two people chat at home, and assume it well, saying that if we win 5 million, how should we spend it? On this matter, the two people chatted and suddenly blushed and began to quarrel. You said this, the two people did not win at all, nor did they have this 5 million, how can they quarrel?
So why do you argue over these little things? The reason for this is that the quarrels between husband and wife are not small things, and what is hidden behind these small things is our needs. It is precisely because the other party does not meet our needs, so we will quarrel with each other.
How to explain it? Let me give you a few examples, for example, there are many women now, it is like this, that is, the husband's co-pilot can only sit alone with her, and even paste a small cute special on the co-pilot, pick up the wife and so on. Then I also want to ask everyone, that is, do you mind your husband's co-pilot, is there another opposite sex sitting? If you mind, you can knock a 1, if you don't mind, you can knock a 2, and if you don't mind, you can also say why.
Then let's go down next, if you say you mind, your husband has a colleague dinner today, and then picks up a colleague to eat, and there is a female colleague who just sits in the co-pilot. You're going to argue with him, you're going to argue with him, even if he explains to you that this female colleague is motion sick, so she's sitting in the front, and there are other colleagues in the back, and we're fine. Even if he explains, you're still going to argue.
Why are you arguing? Is it really because she's in the co-pilot? Could it be that after the co-pilot sits down, will a piece of meat fall? No, it may be because of your inner insecurity, you don't want your husband to get too close to other members of the opposite sex, this is your real need.
For example, your husband once promised you that my co-pilot would sit alone with you, so if he let someone else sit again, you will feel that why you don't count when you talk is the real need in your heart.
Let me give you another example, for example, your husband came home drunk at night, and you quarreled with him, are you really quarreling because you are afraid that he will drink and delay his body? You can make him angry to death, and you're worried about his body. It may be because he came home late, drank outside alone, left you and your children at home, didn't care about you, and you felt very lonely and uncomfortable before arguing with him.
If the next time he drinks, he takes you with him and has a good chat, will you still argue with him over drinking? It doesn't matter to me how much you want to drink, so we need to find out what we really need in our hearts. So what do we do after understanding the needs?
First of all, learn to distinguish between events and needs, and don't make it into a judgment, what does it mean? I'll give you an example, many women have such a thought in their hearts: your co-pilot only let me sit alone, which is equivalent to loyalty to me; your co-pilot sits on someone else, which is equivalent to being P.
When she thinks you have your back on me, she will start to derive, start to upgrade, rise to the kind of disloyalty, and finally the four most common words used by women are that you don't love me. When you sit in the co-pilot because of this incident, combined with your needs, and finally made a judgment, you don't love me. You may get along with each other in the next step, and in the chat and communication, you will carry this kind of premise that you don't love me. Then you think about the other party in this kind of environment, in the end may not really love you, a relationship will be lost, this is the theory.
So how should we express it to the other party? Remember a formula called feeling plus demand. It's that we can't always argue with each other, saying: Why do you let her sit in the co-pilot, do you still have my wife in your heart, this is meaningless, then you express your true feelings, it's good. You say husband, today you let your colleague sit in the co-pilot, I know that the situation was very special, but I am still very uncomfortable, I do not want to see you with other members of the opposite sex, too close, this is to express your feelings.
Next you have to give him a solution, which is your needs. You can't directly say that the next time you don't want it, if the next time you encounter special circumstances, he can really do it, that is, don't let others sit down, you can't always sit well, throw people down, my wife said no, this is not realistic.
Then how to give him a more practical approach, that is, to take care of his own needs. For example, if you tell him, you say, if your husband has a special situation next time, can you send me a message first, it will make you more comfortable, and your insecurity will disappear.