Recently received a question: my husband is a very good person, he honors his parents, treats relatives and friends well, as long as he is a person he knows, he can help him if he encounters any difficulties. But it was such a good man who betrayed our marriage.
I remember when I met him, I was at the low point of life, it was he who came out with me, encouraged me to live hard and work hard, I fell in love with him, married him, and secretly resolved to give him a happy family.
Now there is everything in the family, I do my best to pay for the family, no longer need him to a little heart, we should be particularly happy, but I found that his love is gradually less, at first I thought that it may be married for a long time, the husband and wife will be very flat, but later I learned that he has a woman outside, it has been almost a year, the woman's condition is not very good, he also rented a very good apartment for others.
All this makes me unable to understand, my shock is even more than sad and angry, teacher, why doesn't my husband love me anymore, what is wrong? What should I do next?
Xu Chuan:
This lady, your husband has always been a perfect image in your mind, and you have been running a good business in the family, paying hard, but now there is a sudden subversive crisis, and I can especially understand your feeling of helplessness.
In most people's conception, betrayal of the family can confirm that the person himself has a problem with his or her character, because if a person's nature is considered upright, we often assume that he will not commit betrayal. But this understanding is one-sided, because good people can also do the wrong thing.
If the husband does something wrong and has an affair, there must be a motive, and this motivation is to meet his own needs. When we analyze why a man betrays a marriage, we analyze which of his needs are not met in the marriage.
You felt that your husband's love seems to be gradually decreasing, but you didn't think much about it, it is normal for couples to get married for a long time, and the reason why you don't pay attention to the change of your husband is also because in your concept, such a good man will not do anything wrong.
But even without this layer of reason, it is normal for the wife not to be aware of the needs and changes of her husband, because the partners who get along day and night are already familiar with each other, and this familiarity and emotional connection will interfere with rational thinking and judgment, making it impossible for you to judge abnormal details from the essence. Moreover, it is difficult for people to see things from the perspective of another person, and the ability to recognize the emotions and situation of their partners needs to be acquired through learning.
You say that you don't understand why your husband doesn't love you anymore, in fact, we can cut in from this perspective to understand which of your husband's needs are not met in marriage.
When people talk about the word love, they generally only consider love or no love, but in fact, love also includes two other aspects, that is, the degree of love and the way love is expressed.
According to your description, your husband's expression of love belongs to the altruistic type. Canadian sociologist John Lee divides love into six styles, the altruistic type is one of them, this style of people in intimate relationships, is to feel love from giving, only by giving to their partners, they will have satisfaction and happiness. You may ask: How can anyone feel love from giving. Yes, it has to do with his original family. If he is taught from an early age to be a sensible child, he will bear heavier family responsibilities. His sense of presence needs to be derived from his own efforts, and this person grows up to be an altruistic person. Giving makes him feel that he is in control of himself, controlling love, and will make him feel safe.
You said that when you and your husband are in love, it is his love and care for you that makes you out of the trough of life, at that time he enjoyed loving you, because he was very satisfied, but after marriage, when you have everything, you don't need him to deliberately pay anything for you, but you are paying for the family, don't worry about anything, which makes his heart empty, and his happiness is reduced.
Coupled with the fact that your husband himself is a person who is willing to think about others, such a person is often not good at making demands on others, even if he encounters bad feelings, he is willing to hide and not express.
That is, when your husband feels like you don't need him much anymore, he won't tell you how I need you to be with me. And this, he doesn't say, it's hard for you to perceive.
You see his affair, a man who needs his giving and help, and he rents a house for that woman and takes care of her life, not out of love, but to meet his own needs. His need is to enjoy the feeling of giving.
When your husband does not experience the satisfaction of giving in marriage, the degree of his love for you will indeed decrease than before, but he does not love you, based on your feelings, if you decide to defend the family, it is not difficult to repair the marital relationship, and it can be achieved by adjusting the payment mode.
The reason why love and marriage are difficult to manage is because human nature is complex, and many simple logics do not apply in feelings, such as "paying must be rewarded", "I am good to you, you will be good to me", these ideas will actually make us take a lot of detours when operating feelings.
If you obviously pay a lot for the family, but your husband will often quarrel with you, or be very cold to you, and even betray the family, you must carefully analyze the personality of you and your partner, and what kind of person his emotional type belongs to. If you don't know how to analyze, you can send me a private message about his situation, and I'll help you analyze it.