From the perspective of modern society, the "mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship" will always become a topic of conversation after tea.
"If your mother and girlfriend fell into the water at the same time, which one would you choose to save first?"
I believe that this "death" problem is not unfamiliar to everyone, but no matter who the man chooses, it is a problem.
And when there is a conflict between the mother and the daughter-in-law, the man is the one who suffers and struggles the most.
Today I will tell you how to find out how to get along between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, so that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is better.
Previously, in the variety show "Friends Please Listen Well", He Jiong and Xie Na received a call from a girl, the content was probably that she said that she did not get along well with her mother-in-law, not only said a lot of mother-in-law's shortcomings, but also showed that her mother-in-law did not like herself.
In the end, He Jiong said a word, which may make many girls feel heartbroken, but it is the truth:
"The mother-in-law does not like the daughter-in-law, can not say that the mother-in-law is not right, because the mother-in-law herself has no obligation to like the daughter-in-law, the mother-in-law likes the daughter-in-law, it should be the daughter-in-law's ability, not the mother-in-law's obligation"
Of course, after this variety show was broadcast, many netizens "did the opposite" and said: "The daughter-in-law is not obliged to like the mother-in-law."
In fact, neither the mother-in-law nor the daughter-in-law has the obligation to "like" each other, let alone have to accept each other's responsibilities, because the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law are not related by blood, and since there is no blood relationship, there is no obligation between each other.
And the only medium of contact between them is: "husband", "son" ----- that is, the man in the family.
Many people have said to me: "Teacher, I am not happily married now, I have a bad relationship with my husband, and my relationship with my mother-in-law is also very bad."
In fact, marital happiness depends on luck and choice 1.
A good marriage relationship is actually mutual achievement, and many people do not understand that when you first choose a mate, do you have the luck to choose the right person, a family, which is very important, because it is related to how high the happiness value of your future marriage is2.
And when you enter marriage, how can you harvest happiness in marriage?
In fact, it depends on the internal relationship of marriage.
Here, we can divide the inner relationship within marriage into mother-in-law relationship and husband and wife relationship.
That is to say, first of all, the relationship between husband and wife is harmonious, and secondly, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is harmonious.
Because these two relationships are inextricably linked in the subtlety.
Lai Peixia, a senior consultant in Taiwan, once said this about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law:
"When a caring daughter-in-law recognizes her true identity, it may cause a short period of loneliness at the beginning, but such a pragmatic insight can free herself from the illusion, easy to be easy, no longer compete for favors, if you have to measure your mother-in-law by your mother's standards, it will undoubtedly make you more lost and depressed." 」
In fact, this sentence is very easy to understand, that is, a good mother-in-law relationship is to keep a distance, the daughter-in-law uses social relations to treat the mother-in-law, and does not have the same expectations as the mother-in-law, then the relationship between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law will become more and more stable, and the contradictions will be less and less.
In other words, don't treat your mother-in-law as a mother, and don't expect your mother-in-law to treat yourself as a daughter.
And Yu Chen believes that if you want to have a good relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, smart women should remember this sentence: play these "plays" well and "disguise" themselves well.
Why do we act?
Because in marriage, no matter what kind of relationship, you need to act, and many times the more you act, you will find that the intimate relationship will get better and better.
Let me give you a simple example:
In the relationship between husband and wife, your favorite drama every day is to say a sweet word to each other, and over time, you will find that these sweet words have become an intimate little love between you, and gradually develop this habit.
Therefore, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should also "act", the better you act, the happier your mother-in-law is, and the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will be better and better.
01, often in front of the mother-in-law, praise their husbands.
As long as you are a parent all day, you don't like to hear others say that their children are not excellent. Mother-in-law, in particular, don't like to hear from her daughter-in-law's mouth how bad, how sloppy, how bad her son is.
Because the mother-in-law will think that on the one hand, my son, I can say, but you can't; the second is because, the mother-in-law will think that when you say that my son is not excellent, you are actually saying that I am not OK.
I have seen some women, in order to show their position in marriage in front of their mother-in-law, will deliberately instruct their husbands in front of their mother-in-law, take this, take that, do this, do that.
You know, although this man is your husband, he is also the son of others, you are in front of others, "barking five drinks six" to other people's sons, will people be happy as mothers?
Therefore, even if your husband and wife relationship is good, you must do it behind your mother-in-law's back, after all, your relationship is good or not, it is not determined by you letting your mother-in-law see it, right.
In front of your mother-in-law, you can "heartbroken" praise her son.
I have a real case, I have a female friend, in fact, her husband is very sloppy, very lazy, basically do nothing at home, but their husband and wife relationship is OK, every time the mother-in-law comes to the house, my female friend will say:
"Mom, you don't know, your son is particularly responsible, last week the child was sick, he didn't go to class, but worried about the child, and then after going home, see I am not very comfortable, busy before and after, you said how did you give birth to such an excellent son, I can have to treat you well in the future, you are the biggest benefactor in our marriage." 」
At that time, her mother-in-law listened to this sentence, and she was so happy that she could not close her mouth, and before leaving, she also instructed her son to help her daughter-in-law share more housework and not let her daughter-in-law be too tired.
So, do you see, talking is not only a science, how to use speech, win the heart of the other party, hello me, hello everyone, is to rely on acting.
02, do not compete with the mother-in-law for favors
I don't know if you have found that when the mother-in-law lives with her son and daughter-in-law, there will always be a feeling of "jealousy", at this time we have to calm our minds and tell ourselves that after all, it is the son of the family, and when you close the door, how intimate you want to be, at this moment, just give your husband to your mother-in-law.
I watched a variety show between me, and my mother-in-law said, I want my son to chat with me, what's wrong, my daughter-in-law said, you don't know, he wanted to accompany me to watch a movie at that time?
Then a mother-in-law war was staged.
In fact, there are many times, this kind of friction is completely avoidable, if you want to confront the conflict, you have to know, the husband is after all the son of the family, people are hard to bring up, it is reasonable to ask the son to accompany him for a while, on the contrary, as a wife, can you look down on this mother-in-law who is too dependent on the son?
When your mother-in-law relies on her husband, you can generously say: "You talk, I will not disturb the parent-child time of your mother and son", and then bring them some fruit, snacks, or pour two glasses of water and leave happily.
Even if you are very reluctant, for the sake of family harmony, you must be so smart to do it.
Especially for the reason of length, I will say it in so much detail, of course, there are also these plays:
(1) Be generous and don't worry about your mother-in-law
(2) Buy more things that your mother-in-law likes and do what you like
(3) Don't expect too much from your mother-in-law
When you can play this part of the "drama book" well, I believe that the relationship between you and your mother-in-law is already relatively harmonious.
01, give the dominant position to the mother-in-law.
If you want to be in front of your mother-in-law and become the one who controls the overall situation, I can tell you that you will lose very badly, because your mother-in-law will not buy it, and over time, contradictions will follow.
And the wisest choice is to hide yourself in the dark, everything is left to the mother-in-law to control, that is, you can treat the other party as a simple elder, what she wants to do, or you do not do well, criticize you, you do not have to put it in your heart, but instead act on the lips, tell the mother-in-law, she is very reasonable.
I have seen a lot of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship is good family, basically, the pattern of women are very large, will not put some mother-in-law things in mind, but to identify with the mother-in-law, after all, we have two ears, you can listen to the left ear, the right ear rises.
02, become the "same kind of person" in the eyes of the mother-in-law.
We are most willing to be good friends with people like us, which is understandable, because people who are similar to ourselves are like-minded and will get along very harmoniously.
Therefore, in getting along with your mother-in-law, you will become the "same kind of person" in her eyes.
After all, you can do it, because you love the same person, and you are under the same roof, silently paying for the same person, right?
Therefore, you can often take your mother-in-law, buy some things for your husband, or go out to buy vegetables together, or pull your mother-in-law to square dance, which is a way to promote your relationship to a higher level.
What is the purpose? The purpose is to make the mother-in-law gradually treat you like her own old friend, when you are happy together, I always believe that over time, she will gradually consider you, because the emotions between people and people are slowly cultivated through the day after tomorrow.
Of course, the most important point is to disguise herself as a daughter-in-law who will never have a daughter-in-law and forget her mother-in-law, so that the mother-in-law can rest assured that she will not lose her son, but will have one more person who cares about her.
In fact, a good marriage relationship, in addition to the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the most important thing is the man, because if the man is wise enough, he will balance the relationship between the mother and the daughter-in-law very well, on the contrary, it will get worse and worse.
Therefore, how happy the marriage is, it is necessary for the husband and wife to learn together, in this process, to guide the mother-in-law to integrate, so that a complete home, completely integrated together.
And how to get along with the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, in the final analysis, is a word that is "harmless".
As long as it is not too excessive, take a step back and calm the waves, and let the sea and the sky be wide.
The essence of marriage is an equal exchange, exchanging feelings with each other, exchanging each other's resources.
Then, in marriage, you enjoy the care of your mother-in-law, then don't worry about her; you need your mother-in-law to take care of your children for you, then accept the little shortcomings and little nagging of your mother-in-law.
Just remember one thing: Love House and U. Since he chose to marry him, he should treat the people in his life who are very important to him with a normal heart.
ps: (1) (2) From, Marriage Psychology Class: Be Your Own Emotional Counselor (Section 2): Marriage Happiness, One Depends on Luck, Two Depends on Choice;
Psychometric test: Test your probability of getting back together after a breakup
After the breakup, have you ever wondered how likely it is for two people to get back together? This set of test questions helps you test the probability of compounding after a breakup, so let's try it together
1. Do you still have your ex's contact information on your phone?
It is a score of 5
No, all 0 points removed
2. What was the reason for your breakup?
Objective reasons, the family does not agree 1 point
Long-distance relationships, no future 2 points
He thinks I have a bad temper and we don't have a proper personality for 3 points
Having a third party intervene in our feelings is 0 points
After we quarreled, neither of us wanted to bow our heads and break up in anger for 5 points
I think he has a bad temper, always complains, and is dumped by him for 6 points
3. The following four statements, if you have to choose one that you most agree with, which one will you choose
If one loves another person, one should love the whole of one's person, regardless of the advantages or disadvantages, otherwise it is not true love, at most it is like 2 points
Although the feelings are your love and my wishes, but the matter is man-made, the other party's love can also be controlled, as long as it can meet the psychological needs of the other party, love can be guided 4 points
Strong twisted melon is not sweet, if the TA does not want to compound, I respect the idea of TA 1 point
The emotional world can never be equal, and the person who wants to reunite must not hesitate to pay 6 points
4, in the expression of a thing, you pay more attention
Accuracy of speech is 2 points
Speaking gives the other person a strong impression of 1 point
Say the words around whether people feel comfortable 6 points
The ultimate goal that can be achieved by saying the words is 4 points
5) You consider yourself an emotionally basic trait
Emotionally severe, often unable to control their temper 0 points
Strong self-inhibition ability, calm on the surface, but the inner emotions fluctuate greatly, and once the bruise is difficult to calm down 2 points
Everything is a floating cloud, born not easy to get angry, friends are praised for the good temper 6 points
Feelings do not drag mud and water, more direct, but once unstable, easy to get excited and angry 3 points
6. Have you ever saved your ex?
Redeemed, but rejected, did not continue to save 4 points
No, I don't know what the other party thinks in their hearts, don't dare to open their mouths for 2 points
I have saved several times, the other party is very repulsive, black, do not want to see me again 0 points
Tentatively opened my mouth, but the other party thought we were inappropriate and hoped that I would find happiness 6 points