Psychologist Freud believed that the pattern of interpersonal relationships in our adulthood is actually a reproduction of the patterns of interpersonal relationships in childhood.
Feeling loved is the most important human need, which is the meaning that comes with relationships, starting from childhood and following us all the way into adulthood, into love and marriage.
If a person doesn't get enough love in childhood, they will always look for it. When you start a relationship, you will continue to ask for it in this relationship to make up for the missing love.
One. In a relationship, over-reliance on the other person
A person who constantly seeks love in an intimate relationship will show excessive dependence on others, because he is extremely eager for love and afraid of being abandoned, he will cling to the other party and produce a serious attachment psychology.
Excessive attachment behavior will eventually push the relationship to the brink of pain.
Xiao Li is a single family child, living with her mother since childhood, and her mother is busy with life and does not give her enough love and care. For the concept of father, the mother did not give her a reasonable explanation, and sometimes the mother would tell Xiao Li about her father's badness in front of them and abandon them, resulting in their difficult lives.
When she was in college, Xiao Li met a heartwarming boy, and her boyfriend took good care of her. After graduation, they went to work in the same city. The boyfriend is busy with work, they are not together all day like in the past, which makes Xiao Li very unreliable, she calls her boyfriend several times a day, either complaining about the troubles of work, or asking where the boyfriend is and what he is doing. Sometimes they also threaten their boyfriends to break up.
After a long time, the boyfriend could not stand Xiao Li's such "surveillance" and proposed to her to break up, and Xiao Li became more panicked and pestered her boyfriend.
Xiao Li does not have real love, nor will she properly care for this feeling, she just finds an object of spiritual comfort to fill and satisfy the inner insecurity.
A person will often take his own fantasy of love to find the person who meets, once he meets a person who meets, he will project his fantasy onto the other party, begin to enter the fantasy of love, to perceive love, and to experience a sense of security. He will constantly find a sense of security in the relationship and gradually become attached to the relationship.
In a relationship, the dependent catches up, and the anti-dependent will feel that their space and time are encroached upon, which is very depressing. The relationship will slowly become unbalanced, in a state of hurt and hurt.
Two. Where fantasy love comes from
Chatting with my girlfriend, she talked about her feelings about marriage, and I felt that marriage brought her great growth.
In the past, she didn't know why she and her husband could come together, only thinking that it was a kind of fate, but when she learned something about psychology, she realized the reason.
Her husband is steady, honest, and very simple, which reminds her of her father, and because she is very similar to her father, she feels very familiar and very down-to-earth. And she is the eldest in the family, she has taken good care of people since she was a child, and her concern and consideration for her husband make her husband feel that she takes great care of him like her own mother.
Since she was a child, she was very eager to get her father's attention and love, but because of family conditions, her father could not give her enough love, so she has been looking for this love. And the husband has been very dependent on his mother since he was a child, and his heart is very much in line with his mother, who can give him enough security.
In this way, with their respective "ideal parents", they happened to meet again, and they came together. Return to childhood together, with unconditional acceptance and attention needs, give and satisfy each other together.
In the process of getting along, she constantly wants to transform her husband into what she imagined. She also thinks that she should love him as she should, and that this is how she can make him a better version of herself, rather than seeing the real him. And her husband did not see the real needs in her heart. In this way, they kept arguing, falling into painful torment and unable to get out.
Psychologists say that if parents are nice to us, the closer our template is to our parents. If it is not good for us, the closer we are to the image of the "ideal parent" we have created.
Men and women enter love with this "imaginary" lover, and in the process of getting along, everyone will retreat into a child and ask for the love that their hearts originally need. But the partner has never been able to be the "ideal parent", so in the inappropriate relationship to find, constantly chasing, men and women can not learn how to better get along, understand, and manage feelings, but more hurt each other, destroy feelings.
In a relationship, when the imaginary love is shattered, the person in the intimate relationship will be disappointed in the relationship, and will even choose to leave, continue to search with the imaginary love, and continue to fall into pain. As long as there is no healing of the wounds of the past, it will always be in this cycle of "seeking-hurt-seeking".
Three. How to regain love
When intimacy goes to pain, it's when we return to the trauma we've encountered, and that's the best time to heal it. Therefore, the process of marriage and love is also a healing process.
When we find our own subconscious trauma in the relationship, can satisfy the subconscious desire for love, and can maintain self-boundaries, we will be healed and slowly become ourselves.
So how do you heal yourself and regain love in a relationship?
1. Self-growth
In marriage, women are looking for a sense of security, but this sense of security is something that only they can give. No matter how much love was lacking in the past, adult women can rely on their own strength to perfect this love.
For example, read more, exercise more, expand socializing, and so on, in an active life, to pay attention to the inner "child".
In the process of self-growth, know more about and pay attention to yourself, affirm and identify with yourself, and carry out self-growth.
2. Through good communication, understand each other's needs
Couples need to communicate frequently, get to know the real other, and understand each other's needs.
For example, after chatting with your partner, you know that your partner is very hard after work every day and wants to rest alone. Well, you know that it's not that he doesn't love you, he just needs a break.
Speculation is the taboo of marriage, and it is better to think so much than to communicate in order to know what the facts are like.
3. Bring the ideal of marriage back to reality
Married life is chai rice oil salt sauce vinegar tea, plain life. Accept such a life, you will not be disappointed by the gap is too large, but you can taste the beauty of life with your heart.
For example, no longer fantasizing about how romantic your partner gives you a romantic life, eating dinner together after work every day, talking about your own day's experiences or feelings, you can feel that life is very good.
By returning the ideal to reality, we can pay more attention to real life.
4. Maintain an appropriate spatial distance
Everyone has their own needs and necessities, so couples must maintain a certain spatial distance no matter how close they are, and let each other do their own thing.
For example, at home, there is a period of time when each person is doing its own thing, as long as you feel the presence of the other party, your heart will be very solid.
Couples maintaining a certain spatial distance can allow each to do their own good, but also to experience the sweetness and beauty of being together.
When the painful scars are uncovered again, it is the best time to heal, it is better to look from the outside than to start from the inside, and at the same time, rely on healthy external intimacy to heal the incomplete self.
This is the best way to regain love.
At last:
Love is essential to a person and is the source of happiness throughout a lifetime. This love comes from the parents, and when the parents are not satisfied, they will continue to search from the second intimate relationship. The search process will bring a lot of problems to a person, which may be how a person grows.