Everyone has a city in their hearts, inhabited by an impossible person who has passed through his youth for a while, but who will be stranded in memory for a lifetime.
In the mid-1980s, the unit was abolished, and the days of waiting for resettlement were very lazy, unless you can find some people and things to spend these times, otherwise you must have idle accidents and illnesses.
Riding in the old streets of the thousand-year-old city
At that time, I was in my twenties, and I knew that I was born in trouble and died of ease, so in order not to sink in idleness, I took advantage of this rare gap to read some books and recharge myself.
My girlfriend is also very concerned about my current state, afraid of wasting a good youth time, and sent me a daily life plan that she drew up for me.
(The one-day study and life plan that my girlfriend drew up for me that year)
As the days passed, my colleagues left one after another, leaving fewer and fewer.
One day at noon, after returning to the residence after eating, he saw a new tenant, so he was curious to visit, a young woman. As soon as I saw her, I was thrilled, talking to her, and I felt electric. This may be the legendary love at first sight. In the years that followed, I met women who were more beautiful and attractive than "her", and I never had this wonderful feeling again.
That night, after eating out, I used to walk, gossip, and play chess with my colleagues. But tonight, when walking, I didn't talk much and answered what I asked; when I played chess, I was in a trance, and I lost several games in a row.
At nine o'clock in the evening, rushing back to the residence, I saw that the door of the new tenant was hidden, and the indoor light spilled obliquely through the door slit, and I could not suppress my curiosity and impulse, pushed the door in, and saw a man sitting on the "her" bed very casually, talking and laughing with the standing "she". I hurriedly exited and went back to my room.
This night, I was lying on the bed tossing and turning, and my head was full of "she" talking and laughing with the man, and the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't sleep, and the more I thought about it, the more painful it was. At that time, I thought that if I didn't leave here quickly, I would be in danger of mental breakdown.
Early the next morning, on the grounds that there was an emergency at home, he asked the leader for leave to go home. At that time, at the end of the aftermath work, the leader was particularly gracious and immediately approved.
Back at my accommodation, I simply packed up a few pieces of clothing and asked someone to take me by bicycle to the bus station and leave.
Shuidong Town Songshan Taoist Temple
Although I am with my girlfriend at home, I will always flash the sound and smile of "her", which will not go away, which makes me very painful. When he met an old man at the Songshan Taoist Temple in Shuidong Town, he pinched his finger and said that I should have had this fate. Remembering the calculation that Zhang Blind zi gave me in the early years, I smiled.
I thought that after this sweet soothing with my girlfriend, my heart would tend to be calm, and I would fade "her" out of my emotions. But when I returned to my accommodation, I saw "her" in the distance, and my heart was beating wildly, and my blood pressure rose sharply.
I pretended to be calm, looked down and pretended to look at the road, trying to rub shoulders with "her". "She" stepped forward to block me, and the first sentence asked: I saw you that night with a bad face, I wanted to ask you, but I disappeared, so long, where did I go?
I looked up at "her" with a flushed face, but my mouth was trembling, and I couldn't speak.
"She," went on to say, and that night a relative or friend came to see me, sat down for a while, and left.
Listening to her say this, I seem to be relieved.
The two lived in a limited space, looking up every day without looking down, coming and going, slowly becoming mature. From this, I learned that "she" was a few years younger than me, and now studied in a school and now lives here temporarily.
(Shen Congwen's work has always been my favorite.) Owns different versions of his works)
At that time, I liked classical literature, and was reciting articles such as "Selected Ancient Essays" (later basically memorized), "Ancient Literature Guanzhi" (finally only a short paragraph was memorized); I liked Shen Congwen's works (which are still loved to this day), I liked European and American literature, and I was reading the works of The Great and Little Jombama and Maugham. Personally, I feel that the articles in the "Selected Ancient Essays" reflect the philosophical ideas of the ancient Chinese people to cultivate themselves and rule the country and the world; "Ancient Literature Guanzhi" represents the essence of classical Chinese literature; the outstanding literature of modern China is none other than the works of Shen Congwen and others.
(This collection of Maugham's works has been with me since the early 1980s.)
In my spare time or tired of reading, I would sit with her, make small talk, look at the photos of "her" along the way, and listen to her say some interesting anecdotes. When I had time, "she" would also come to my room, flip through the books on my desk, and listen to my lectures on the Works of The Ancient Essays, Shen Congwen, Dumas, Maugham, and others. At that time, I was in the period of "half a bucket of water likes to shake" and liked to show off this.
Shen Congwen's works are easy to understand, and "she" is more interested, especially the stories in the book, and "she" is often fascinated by it. However, literary works such as "Selected Ancient Essays" and "Ancient Literature Guanzhi" are difficult to understand, and I wonder if "she" can understand it? But judging from the expression on "her" listening and the look in her eyes, she seemed to be also interested.
(This set of four volumes of the Earl of Kiddon Hill has been my pillow book since 1982.
Every time she came, I would soften the lighting in the room, try not to let the light shine on the faces of both sides, and put some flowers picked from the courtyard on the simple small table, and brew two cups of hot tea to create a warm and pleasant chat atmosphere.
At that time, I liked to look at "her" face and like her smile. She gradually stopped hiding her demeanor and demeanor in front of me, and no matter what I said, "she" would cover her mouth and smile, and often expressed "her" position and attitude with laughter and cheeks. Later, I understood that the so-called love at first sight is actually the face of the other party. As Zhang Ailing said, a man likes a woman, at first it is definitely not because of how beautiful she is inside, but because the external image of this woman brings him a good feeling.
Some women have beautiful faces, but their expressions are not rich enough, and some women have ordinary faces, but their expressions are quite vivid. Women with beautiful faces and vivid expressions are most likely to make people fall in love at first sight. "Her" face is not only beautiful, but also vivid and attractive.
One night three months later, I said to "her" who had returned from my late study: In a few days I will go home to Hunan with my girlfriend to see her parents and agree on our big things. "She" listened to the moment her face darkened, and immediately turned back to "her" room.
Books that I read that year
Books that I read back then
The next day, I didn't see "her", and on the third and fourth days, it was still like this... I have a girlfriend thing, "she" has heard about it, usually in my room to see my girlfriend's photos and letters, "she" is a look of full indifference, and sometimes praise my girlfriend's writing is beautiful.
The night before I got home, "she" appeared, bringing many pastries, snacks, and fruits, saying that she was practicing for me. Watching "she" talk and laugh in front of me, as if nothing had happened, the hanging heart let go a little.
Not long after arriving home, I received three letters from "her", the first letter said that "she" was ill, took a few days off, and did not go to class; the second letter said that "she" had returned to her hometown for the Spring Festival; the third letter said that "she" was much better now.
After more than a month, he returned to the station. As soon as "she" saw me, she rode out without saying a word. After a while, I bought a lot of food and fruit, saying that it was for me to pick up the wind and wash the dust.
As I ate, I asked: How did I get sick? "She" bowed her head and said nothing. After repeated questioning, "she" said: Don't ask.
Although they experienced some people and things and separated for a period of time, it did not affect the interaction between the two people. Later, it developed to the point of gathering every day and saying nothing.
Visit the millennium temple that year
I remember once when I went to visit a local thousand-year-old temple, I saw that she also specially went into the Guanyin Pavilion to worship religiously, and after coming out of it, she said to me: Buddha said that 500 times in the past life can be exchanged for the fate of this life, I think that in the previous life, we did not return enough, not sincere enough, so we only exchanged for the passing of this life!
Mr. Shen Congwen said that if the affection of gentle women is described as a net, no one can boast that they can easily escape after falling into the net. I wasn't spared at the time. I know in my heart that if I let it develop, I will not only ruin myself, but also hurt "her", but also hurt my girlfriend.
He has vowed many times not to see or reunite with her again, but as soon as he thinks of or sees "her", any stakes and vows are forgotten. For this reason, I often regret it, blame myself for being weak, and I do not have the determination and courage of a strong man to break his wrist. If you want to break it, you will be chaotic.
The hardest thing in the world is to maintain sanity in the midst of fanaticism, and not to forget your original intention in the face of great temptations. Moreover, I also received many years of orthodox education and military discipline.
A photograph of receiving a transfer order that year
Soon, I received an order to bid farewell to this place and transfer to work in a certain combat readiness mobile unit of the Guangzhou Military Region, where combat readiness training is very heavy.
On the night when I received the order, it was raining lightly, and I stood under the eaves and said to "her", who had just returned from the evening study at school: I will leave here forever early tomorrow morning. Thank you, the casual encounter, gave me a lot of joy and beauty. At the same time, I also say sorry to you, which has caused you to suffer grievances and pain.
"She" was stunned when she heard this, and stood motionless in front of me. I turned my back on my face, deliberately avoiding "her" gaze and expression.
There was silence all around, and even the faint sound of toads crawling over dead leaves and rain lapping at the leaves was clear. After a long time, I turned around and saw her twitching slightly in the rain, and two lines of crystalline tears flowed from Her beautiful face. Tried to wipe "her" but was refused.
"She" choked: You only saw my eyes weeping, but you didn't know that my heart was bleeding.
I said: I want to open up, don't pay too much attention to the present, it will soon pass. The world is bigger, much better than me. You are beautiful and intelligent, you will never lack love, you will find someone who really belongs to you and is happy.
"She" said: "But it is already difficult for me to pretend to be someone else in my heart."
I said: Romance is just a beautiful evening dress, you can't wear it all day long. Time will slowly precipitate everything, and some of the people you once valued, the things you valued, and the emotions you valued will slowly blur and disappear with the passage of time. To pursue your own happiness for the rest of your life, you must learn to give up and compromise. Don't try to be quick, do the thing of drinking and quenching thirst. Knowing that you can't do it will eventually hurt you.
"She" sobbed: I knew this thing was wrong from the beginning, but I still insisted, I wanted to hold you tightly in my hand, but you were like sand in your hand, the tighter you grasped, the faster it was lost. You once said that only by knowing the cut can you feel it deeply, and only by feeling it deeply can you hurt the pain, and in the past I didn't quite understand the meaning of these words, but today I finally feel it.
I said: Want to open some, our encounter is just a beautiful episode in the journey of life that can not be sought, no matter what kind of sweetness has been in the past, it will eventually return to plain, if you pay too much attention to it, blindly insist, the resulting psychological and physical pleasure and beauty will become spiritual and life shackles.
"She" choked up: I let go of my dignity, let go of my personality, let go of stubbornness, all because I can't let go of you! Since you can't accompany me to the end, why do you want to break into my world and my life halfway?
I said: Attachment is a burden, and letting go is a relief. There is only something in this world that cannot be returned, and nothing cannot be passed or put down. What can't be put down and can't be passed is just the mood. Only by knowing how to give up and forget, the road of life can be easier, and life will be more perfect. The road ahead may still be far away, it may be very difficult, you may still cry, you may cry, but you must go on, you must not stop, and you must bravely walk out of the shadow of this matter. Without me, you will surely have an easier, better life, and happier life than you are now.
"She" looked at me with her face on her back, and with a twinkle in her eye, she said: I don't want to cry, but I keep crying. No one has ever hurt me, you have hurt me, and you have hurt me the deepest and hurt the most.
Photographed years later
A few years later, when I returned to my hometown as a major officer, my comrades-in-arms inadvertently told the story of "her" who happened here, and the synopsis of the story was: "She" got along with a soldier whose family was in a poor village, and devoted himself to funding him to be admitted to the military academy.
The comrade-in-arms finally said that when the little soldier left, he thought it was just a relationship, but I think it was actually her life.
Seeing that the place where "she" lived was now empty, only the curtain that had been given to her was very worn and fluttered in the wind. I asked: What happened?
Comrade-in-arms replied: I don't know.
After a moment of silence, I said: Although this story has more elements of fabrication and rumors, it is a beautiful legend.