Text/Lan's mother talks about parenting
Tantrums can never raise a well-behaved child, in exchange for the child to learn the same, and make the parent-child relationship worse in the mood
Last night, while chatting with my cousin, who was thousands of miles away, she angrily complained to me:
Why is it so difficult to raise a child now, it is purely the same as raising a "master", everything has to be provided, and if you are not satisfied, you will be thrown at your face
After understanding the reason, I found out that my cousin's daughter Tao Tao suddenly asked her at dinner: "If I score more than 90 points in the final exam, how are you going to reward me"
As soon as she heard this, her cousin instantly became angry, and she asked at the time: "Learning is for you to learn by yourself, what reward do you want?" You're asking too much right now."
So, a good meal broke up unhappily because of their respective emotional problems
The child was angry and didn't eat, and the cousin couldn't help but lose her temper
After listening to this, I suddenly thought of a painting I had seen on the Internet earlier
Soon sent the picture (pictured above) to my cousin, and asked her questions:
"What is this painting about?"
"What is the scene depicted in this painting?"
"What is the mood of the characters in the painting, are they happy, uncomfortable, or aggrieved?"
My cousin looked at it and quickly told me, "I think it's a heartbroken mother in the painting, just like I am now, so angry that the child is so angry that she can't even cry down."
I then asked her, "What do you think the characters in the painting will do next?"
My cousin thought about it and replied: "I should continue to be sad, anyway, I am so anxious, now the pressure of survival is so great, the child does not know that studying hard will be eliminated by society in the future"
After saying his opinion, my cousin continued to ask, "What about you, what are you seeing?"
I told her, "When I was angry with my child, I thought it was a sad mother, but in the last few days, I have a toothache, and now I see the movement of covering my mouth with a toothache."
My cousin laughed and felt better, so I asked her to send the painting to more people
After a while, the answers were varied
Some mothers said that what they saw was a worried old mother, worried that their children would not want to make progress and would have a hard time surviving in the future
A friend who just got off work said that what he saw was loss, sadness, and dissatisfaction with himself
There are also mothers who say that they see remorse and helplessness, and they may have just beaten their children, said cruel words to their children, and regretted losing their temper with their children after thinking about it
Some people even said that it was seen that it was a sad mother, and her child was reaching out to soothe her mother's face
…
The same painting extends so many different scenes, different characters, and different moods
In fact, the characters in the painting are also the painters themselves, and the content reflected reflects the inner feelings of the moment, and the content of the painting will also change as the mood changes
The same is true for looking at the issue of parenting in conjunction with the principle of painting
When we are in a good mood, what we see in our eyes is naturally full of sunshine and energy
So, when you can't help but want to lose your temper with your child, it is recommended to take out this picture for everyone around you to see
Combined with the characteristics of different people's paintings, we can release some of the pressure, and we can also gain reason from it, so as to avoid letting negative emotions affect our correct judgment
In addition, Lan Ma also summarized some ways to maintain a high-quality parent-child relationship, hoping to help more anxious parents:
01
When you run into a problem
Think about "how to solve the problem" first
The fundamental reason why the relationship between you and your child is becoming more and more strained, and why your child is rebellious at every turn, may be that the problem itself is "not a problem"
Here's an example
On the train, I saw a daughter drawing on paper, which seemed quiet
But as her mother kept interfering with the guidance, the girl's emotions became more and more irritable
At first, the mother just sat by and stared, watching the child draw a big rabbit
Then when it comes to coloring, the girl takes out her favorite blue pen from the pencil case and paints the rabbit's ears and tail in her favorite blue
After this scene was seen by my mother, she directly began to criticize:
"Which rabbit's ears will grow blue, aren't you scribbling? Also, what do you do with a rock sugar gourd on a rabbit's hand? Rabbits eat carrots."
The girl, who was still serious about drawing, began to have tears in her eyes after her mother's constant guidance and criticism, and the refill of the colored pen in her hand was directly inverted and unable to paint because of her anger and excessive force
Even when she saw the more and more aggrieved and irritable children, the mother still did not realize her problem, but continued to accuse: "What a loser, this box of colored pens can not be bought for a week, don't expect me to buy you colored pens in the future"
In this way, the relationship between the mother and daughter dropped to the freezing point, and even when she spoke again, the girl's long-accumulated emotions completely exploded, and the crying ran through the entire carriage, and no matter how much the mother comforted her, it didn't work
This is the typical problem, no longer "the problem" itself
Is the child crying because he didn't paint and color well? Not
She felt her mother's criticism, accusations, and grievances
Originally, the problem of painting and coloring was not properly classified, but my mother caused more accusations beyond the problem
In this way, how can the child accept it, and how can he not feel wronged
Therefore, the first step in maintaining a high-quality parent-child relationship is to consider "how to solve the problem" when you encounter it
Here, we must first abandon the old accountability, criticism, and high expectations for children, and try to put forward solutions and suggestions around the theme as much as possible.
For example, ask your child, "What do you think about this?" and then tell him, "You can try another way?" and "Do you need my help?"
This kind of problem-solving communication can effectively get rid of anxiety outside of problems
02
Children don't want to learn
That's not discovering the joy of learning
Learning should be in a relaxed, cheerful, and driving atmosphere to generate enthusiasm, if children do not want to learn, it must be that they have not yet discovered the joy of learning
A friend who has played since childhood, she is a particularly good and strong character
A person works hard in a big city, has a house and a car, and runs a company of decent size
Since she was a child, she was not in a position to read a lot of books, and now with the development needs of the company, she is also deeply aware of the importance of "reading more".
At the same time, there was a strong perception in her heart
That is: "If I have a child in the future, I must train him to be versatile and go to the best school, only then will he have more outstanding abilities in the future"
So, after the birth of the child, all kinds of perfect plans are made
Including: which brand of milk powder to drink, when to start eating complementary food, at what age to start learning piano, dance, guzheng, English, calligraphy, and even how many points to take in each homework, etc., are all arranged in detail
She also projectively believes that "children should learn more knowledge, spend most of their time studying, and have no time to play with mobile phones."
I thought that under such a careful plan, the daughter of a strong woman should also be better than the blue
But as a mother, she ignores the playful nature of children
Under the high-intensity learning task, the child has obvious school boredom since the third grade of primary school
Every time I talk about studying, I yell angrily: "I've worked hard, what else do you want me to do?"
It's the same when it comes to going to tutorial classes, the whole body is full of resistance, and even when I get to the class, it's the child who comes home late
The tutor's evaluation is even more: "There is no learning attitude, urge to move, and if you don't urge, you don't know that you are in a hurry"
It wasn't until later that a friend learned parenting skills from another mother: "Parents pretend to study, so that children are interested in learning", and the parent-child relationship has been effectively improved
For example, when she wants her child to develop good reading habits, she will say to her daughter, "Mom wants to improve her learning ability through reading, do you have any books you can recommend?"
As the communication between mother and daughter became more and more frequent, the daughter, who used to be irritable when she talked about reading, also became positive and enthusiastic
She said:
"Originally, I didn't like to read, but when I saw my mother reading with relish, I couldn't help but be curious and read along, and then I was attracted by the content of the book."
See, there are no children who are born with an aversion to learning, they just don't find the joy of learning
If you want your child to be more active in learning, the best way is for your parents to learn and your children to follow along
Create a good learning atmosphere from the family environment, and when children subconsciously find that "learning is really interesting", they can spontaneously and actively pursue school without the need for parents to urge
03
Re-establish relationships
Think of yourself as a child
Any relationship that feels difficult to get along with is either heartbroken or not working in the right way
A mother once confessed to me, "If I could go back to the past, I would never criticize my children again."
At first, I thought she was talking casually, but it wasn't until I really understood the past experience that I deeply realized the meaning of this sentence
According to this mother, she has a son and a daughter, and both children have been relatively well-behaved and obedient since childhood
But as a parent, she always hopes that her children can be better and develop further, even if the two children perform well, she also coldly criticizes: "It's far worse than the excellent children in your class"
Years later, the two children were admitted to their dream schools, but they avoided their mothers
I finally got together once, but I stayed outside all day and didn't go home, and when I asked the reason, the words given were: "play with classmates" and "study with classmates"
If you say anything more, it's the tired voice of "you don't get bored".
At first, my mother also thought that she had raised two white-eyed wolves, and even often spit out to the seventh and eighth aunts how ignorant the children were
When she couldn't bear it, her daughter directly told the reason
She said to her mother:
"Do you know why my brother and I hate talking to you? Because you have a knife mouth that makes people uncomfortable to listen to, and every sentence pierces the heart."
"When I was a child, my brother and I worked hard, just hoping to get your approval, and also hoping to see you show a smile, but you didn't, every time you coldly hit us with the excellence of other people's children"
"I'm not a blow, I just want to give more examples so that you can get more examples to follow," the mother explained.
The daughter continued to ask rhetorically: role models are never comparisons, if someone says to you every day: "You are so stupid", "You can't do this little thing well", can you stand it, will you accept it happily
After a conversation, my mother was already in tears
And the role models that children need most are never from the merits of the top students, but from the influence of parents' attitudes towards them
The advanced realm of parent-child relationship is also to turn "parents" into "friends" and regard themselves as "children"
For example, when children are reluctant to obey the arrangement, think more about their own childhood, and whether they talked back to their parents all day long
Therefore, the most important step in repairing the parent-child relationship with the child is also to make yourself a "child"
When you're able to play with your kids, grab TV, grab snacks to eat, and sit together to share each other's "little secrets," even emotional tones can become commonplace because of relationships
So, what are the different suggestions and opinions on how to maintain a high-quality parent-child relationship? Welcome to leave a message in the comment area to share!