Peninsula All Media Reporter Chen Yamei
"The job of a marriage counselor is not easy to do, basically to the step of divorce, both parties have a separate psychological construction, we observe from the expressions, sitting postures, and distances of both parties, and look for breakthroughs in the chat......
The Marriage and Family Counseling Room is counseling
After the Civil Code was officially implemented in 2021, couples are required to apply before deciding to divorce, and go through a 30-day cooling-off period to reduce the occurrence of impulsive divorce. In 2021, the Marriage Registration Center of the Laoshan District Civil Affairs Bureau of Qingdao hired a team of professional marriage counselors to provide marriage counseling services for married and divorced people. In 2023, Laoshan District received a total of 1,108 divorce applications, the number of couples who completed registration was 691, marriage counselors persuaded 89 couples on the spot, and some only applied for divorce after counseling, and there were many couples who did not register.
On May 13, the reporter came to the Marriage Registration Center of the Laoshan District Civil Affairs Bureau to see how the marriage counselors "persuaded peace" and listened to their stories about the marriage counseling work......
I have been a marriage counselor for two months, and I have successfully "persuaded peace" to a pair of "post-85s"
On Monday, May 13, at half past 1 p.m., the divorce registration area of the Marriage Registration Center of the Laoshan District Civil Affairs Bureau ushered in the fourth couple.
Li Xuejuan is working in the marriage and family counseling room, she is a psychological counselor, and she also plays the role of marriage counselor here, and after working for two months, she has successfully "persuaded peace" a middle-aged couple who have applied for divorce. She said: "Marriage counseling is not easy to do, basically to the step of divorce, both parties have a separate psychological construction, and some couples bluntly say that their feelings are not compatible and do not need mediation." Some people shouted at us because they were in a bad mood. ”
At 2 o'clock in the afternoon, a couple in their 30s applied for divorce in the marriage and family counseling room in the divorce registration area. The woman said that the relationship was incompatible and she didn't want to be together. The man also said that the two parties had thought it through and there was no need to persuade them again. Li Xuejuan felt that mediation was very difficult, so the two went to apply for it.
Divorce registry office
Sitting in the waiting area outside was a couple in their 50s, talking and laughing so much that they couldn't tell that they were about to divorce. The two have been married for seven or eight years, and both are married for the second time and have no children in common. Li Xuejuan said: "There are no children, and there is no property division issue, after careful consideration, this kind of mediation is the most difficult." With the development of society, people's concepts have changed, and they feel that divorce is no longer an unspeakable or embarrassing thing, but there are also many people who take marriage as a child's play. ”
Waiting for application or registration
"After doing marriage counseling work for two months, it is not difficult to see divorced at any age, the younger ones are 'post-00s', and the older ones are nearly 70 years old. Those who divorce after one or two years of marriage, and those who have been married for forty or fifty years also get divorced, and children account for the largest proportion of divorced people. Li Xuejuan said.
After working for more than two months, she successfully "persuaded peace" a couple of "post-85" couples, which gave Li Xuejuan a sense of accomplishment. The couple had two children, the man always went out to drink, and did not take good care of the family, and the woman was full of grievances about this marriage, and finally came to the point of filing for divorce. Li Xuejuan saw the woman crying bitterly while complaining about her dissatisfaction, "Seeing that the man also showed a sad expression, I felt that the two still had a chance to reconcile through expression and behavior analysis." I told men that the important thing in marriage is to understand, communicate, tolerate, and think more from the other person's point of view. After a period of mediation and analysis, the two found that they still had deep feelings for each other, and the couple also explained the misunderstanding and withdrew the divorce application on the spot. ”
As of 4 p.m. on the 13th, 8 couples have applied and registered. Li Xuejuan introduced: "Every time I come to counseling, I find that there are more couples who come to divorce on Monday than at other times, and we analyze that it is because the couple spends more time together on weekends, and the probability of quarrels increases, resulting in divorce due to impulse or other reasons." ”
Wang Jiance, head of the team in the marriage and family counseling room, said: "Every year around the Spring Festival, after Labor Day, Dragon Boat Festival, Mid-Autumn Festival, National Day, New Year's Day and other festivals is the peak period for divorce applications, and after weekends is also a small peak period for divorce, sometimes it can reach more than ten couples a day, and four or five couples a day on other working days." According to our observations, the divorce around the Spring Festival is because of whose house you go to for the New Year, and you get angry at the other party's house, and the small holidays are because you have been together for a long time, and because you quarrel about some things. ”
3 hours of "persuasion" and a pair of "post-90s", recently received two good news
As the team leader of the marriage and family counseling room, Wang Jiance has seen too many divorced couples and persuaded many couples.
What impressed him more was a pair of "post-90s" couples who successfully "persuaded peace" this year, the two of them came here at 5 p.m. to apply for divorce, Wang Jiance persuaded for 3 hours, and when they left at 8 p.m., they had given up the divorce. The young couple has been married for nearly 3 years, they are college classmates, they have found satisfactory jobs from the countryside to the city, and they have been married for 3 years because the relationship has been unstable, and they dare not have children. Through understanding, Wang Jiance found that the affairs of the two of them were small things that accumulated into big contradictions, for example, because of whose house they went to for the Spring Festival, and there were conflicts with their mother-in-law. "When I mediated, the two of them kept arguing, and through their quarrels, I judged that the girl was a little insecure in the marriage, and deduced a few daily details that the two did not mention, and the boy and girl were very surprised, and I was all right by me."
Combined with the frustrated expressions of the couple, he judged that the two people still have feelings, "If it is an angry expression, it means that the two are dissatisfied with each other, and this may be an impulsive divorce." If it is a calm expression, it means that the divorce has been well thought out and it is difficult to change the outcome. Through the communication between the two of them, I found that they had communication problems, obviously saying things for the good of the other party, but it was uncomfortable to express them, so I shared with them the way of communication to avoid head-on conflicts. After 3 hours of counseling, they found that they did not understand each other's words and had communication problems, but they had feelings for each other and immediately reconciled. ”
Time Slow Event
The young couple added Wang Jiance's WeChat, and if there was a conflict between the two later, they would also ask Wang for help. A few days ago, the girl told him that after marriage counseling, the relationship between the two was much better than before, and he was afraid of emotional instability before, so he never dared to have children, but now he has a good relationship and dares to have children, and he was pregnant some time ago. "The two of them thanked me and said that they would come and give me red-skinned eggs when they had a baby."
There is also a pair of "post-90s" who came to apply for divorce, and they happened to meet Wang Jiance. The girl's mother-in-law is stricter, and the desire to control the young couple is heavier, the boy is very uncomfortable between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and the girl also feels that she has been wronged, and the two have had conflicts for a long time, and there is no way to decide to divorce. Wang Jiance listened to the complaints of both sides, and put forward specific solutions, suggesting that when boys encounter conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, they need to actively communicate with their mothers to reduce the chance of girls and mother-in-law quarreling. "During the Spring Festival this year, I gave them a way to travel abroad to avoid too much contact with my mother-in-law, and when they came back from traveling, I gave feedback that the relationship between the two was very good." Wang Jiance said.
Engaged in marriage counseling work for nearly 3 years, Wang Jiance has met all kinds of couples, he said: "This job is not easy to do, when couples are on the verge of divorce, they are often angry and dissatisfied, and sometimes vent their emotions to the marriage and family counselor. When you are not understood, you will also feel a sense of loss in your heart, and we want to persuade couples who divorce because of impulse, especially couples with children. Looking at the statistics before, the proportion of psychological problems among children in divorced families is relatively high, so I still hope to let my children have a complete family. ”
Since the introduction of marriage counselors, the work of the Marriage Registration Center of the Laoshan District Civil Affairs Bureau has achieved remarkable results. According to 2023 statistics, a total of 1,108 divorce applications were received, but the number of couples who finally completed registration was only 691. In this process, the marriage counselors, with their professional ability and patience, successfully persuaded 89 couples on the spot, and many couples only applied for divorce without registration, and finally gave up the idea of divorce.
The "post-85s" to "post-00s" have become the main force of divorce, and the "post-90s" have the largest number of divorces
At present, there are 14 people in the marriage and family counseling room of the Marriage Registration Center of the Laoshan District Civil Affairs Bureau. Wang Jiance is a teacher who has been engaged in psychological counseling for more than 10 years, and his main counseling direction is marriage and family, and he is a senior marital crisis expert. The team includes members with bachelor's and master's degrees in psychology, social work, law and other professional fields, and the age distribution of members is quite wide, covering all age groups from 25 to 60 years old. "In order to provide more comprehensive services to the parties, the team is specially equipped with marriage and family counselors who are professional in law, and they provide free legal consultation services for those parties who have not reached a divorce agreement or have problems such as property and child support." Wang Jiance said.
Since the implementation of the divorce cooling-off period policy in 2021, Laoshan District has provided free marriage and family counseling services for all divorced couples who apply and register on the spot. Counsellors will conduct an initial information review to understand the reasons for the divorce and mainly "persuade peace" for impulsive divorces.
"I was sitting right in front of the door of the divorce registration area, and I could see every couple who came here. From the moment they came into my field of vision, I began to observe them. Wait until they sit across from me, then analyze their sitting posture and distance, and find the root cause by asking the reason for the divorce. ”
Wang Jiance introduced that at present, the "main force" of divorce is the "post-85" to "post-00", especially the "post-90" divorce population has the largest proportion, and it is often seen that "post-90s" couples who apply for divorce just a few days after registration. "I have met a couple who came to consult how to handle the divorce a few days after registering their marriage, and it is not recommended to treat marriage as a child's play."
"'Post-90s' are mostly only children, lack of opportunities to interact with brothers and sisters in family education, which is reflected in the lack of interaction between husband and wife in marriage, on the other hand, only children in the original family will be materially and psychologically self-centered, this way is easy to bring into the marriage relationship, when the other party does not meet their own minds, it is easy to have the idea of divorce to escape the problem, in this case, you need to use some psychological knowledge, analyze the weaknesses of both parties, point them out, and then mediate." Wang Jiance said.
The reason for the divorce of the "post-00s" is more capricious, Wang Jiance said: "The reason for many 'post-00s' is that falling in love is not the same feeling as getting married. Some people will also say that the gap between before marriage and after marriage is too big, before marriage, boys give girls everything, there are gifts for holidays, and there are usually romantic ceremonies, but life after marriage returns to daily life, and sometimes a quarrel over one thing leads to divorce. ”
Talking about the skills and know-how of getting along with husband and wife in marriage, Liu Tingting, head of the Lianke Social Work Service Center of the Marriage Registration Center of the Laoshan District Civil Affairs Bureau, said: "The way the husband and wife get along in marriage is a grand issue, not something that can be said in a few words, I think the important thing is that the husband and wife need to see each other and see each other's efforts in marriage."
"Our marriage counselling is not limited to divorce counseling," Wang stressed, "We will also provide some marriage guidance before the marriage is registered, and provide some marriage preservation and marriage management tips for young couples." "The team also goes out into the community to provide practical guidance on marriage management for those who are confused about marriage.