After becoming a mother, you should also be your first priority
In the variety show "It's a Mother and a Daughter", Ouyang Nana's mother's words poked the hearts of many women.
When asked which child she loved the most, she pointed to herself and said, "I love myself the most."
Love yourself the most, such a simple 4 words, but it is difficult for many women to do it after becoming a mother.
So she asked her daughters to do the same:
Loving yourself should be every girl's top priority, not loving her mother first, let alone her boyfriend first.
Many netizens were moved and said enviously: "I really want such a mother." ”
And the mother who "loves herself the most" can get more recognition and love from her daughter.
Just like Ouyang Nana once wrote in a letter to her mother:
"I am like a fish yearning for the sea. No matter how choppy the future may be, where you are, there is peace and peace of mind.
May I be a good person like you. That's my ultimate goal in life. ”
And many women in life, after becoming mothers, put their children and family first all their lives, or even ignore themselves completely.
On the occasion of Mother's Day, I would like to say to great mothers the most: become the person who loves you the most! Only by living yourself as a beam of light can you have the possibility of illuminating others.
When you become a mother, you always think about others first
The identity of a mother seems to have its own attribute of "giving", and from the birth of a child, this attribute is easy for women to not see themselves.
A young mother once wrote in the circle of friends: Since giving birth to a child, I have never missed a single late night and dawn star.
And after finally pulling the child up, the mother began to focus on the child's learning again.
Little by little, their ego is eroded, and they are squeezed out by the identity of mothers and wives.
Just like a mother once said that every time she got off work, she would rest in the parking lot for 10 minutes before going home. It seemed that only in those 10 minutes did she have a brief ego.
During that time, she was not a mother, a wife, and a daughter-in-law, but just herself.
I have a friend who is such a mother who is so focused on her children and family.
No matter how busy and tired she is, she doesn't rest, and as soon as she gets home, she cleans up and sorts things out in every detail;
She also studies various food recipes, gets up early every day, and cooks food for her children in different ways;
After finishing the housework after work, no matter how tired she is, she has to sort out all the children's mistakes one by one and transcribe them in the error book.
She was so busy that she didn't have any time to spend on herself.
The sketching she once loved was only useful when she made handicrafts for children, so as to help children win the praise of teachers and classmates.
She also disappeared from the circle of friends, and watching movies, going to restaurants, and going on dates with girlfriends seemed to be a matter of her last life.
Once, I finally found a chance to go shopping with her, only to find that I was already in two worlds with her:
She only looks at the children's clothes, school supplies and favorite toys, and talks about topics related to children.
After a short time, he hurried home: "It's too late, the child is waiting for me at home." ”
People who become mothers seem to have automatically become supermen: their eyes and hearts are full of husbands and children, they can carry their hands on their shoulders, bear hardships and stand hard work, and they are all-round invincible.
As long as the child has a headache and brain fever, they are extremely nervous to go to the hospital, but they don't care much about their own physical and mental health.
For example, my friend has been suffering from chronic physical discomfort for a long time, and she often feels sick because of her thyroid problems.
Despite this, it did not affect her to be busy with the family, and her husband and children did not pay much attention to her discomfort, and they did not care about and ask her more because of this.
How many women in the world are like her, after becoming mothers, they become neglected and no longer love themselves?
When you don't love yourself enough,
They won't love you either
But unfortunately, many mothers, no matter how hard they work, often feel thankless and are always complained.
What's even more heartbreaking is that some mothers worked hard to the end and became enemies with their children.
An adolescent daughter recounted her and her mother's "love and killing."
From childhood to adulthood, her mother spared no effort to nurture her.
She often took her daughter across the city, traveled dozens of kilometers, divided several places to tutor, hired the best teachers to teach her, spared money, time, and devoted all resources.
But her daughter's attitude towards her was terrible.
As long as the mother shows even a trace of complaint and dissatisfaction, the daughter seems to have found an emotional outlet immediately, and immediately explodes: "Mom, if you want to do it, don't complain!" ”
Sometimes, the war will come more quickly, and the daughter will say:
"Don't keep an eye on me!"
"Don't educate me like this, I don't want to become a yellow-faced woman like you!"
Mom was really broken and sad: everything she did was for her, why didn't she fall behind?
This is reminiscent of Yingzi's mother in the TV series "Little Huanxi". For the sake of her daughter, she resigned from school to take care of her life and study at home, and worked hard and hard.
But in the end, her daughter shouted to her hysterically: I just want to go to a school far away, I just want to stay away from you!
In life, there are too many women like this who sacrifice themselves for their children and husbands, but in the end they are mistreated.
Their efforts are always not seen, but they are still disliked.
Obviously, he got up early and worked greedily to cook, pick up and drop-off, and tutor, and gave up his career for the sake of his child's education, but the child said:
"Other mothers are very well-informed, mom, you are so earthy."
is obviously trapped in the sea of housework, busy and busy, so he neglects to take care of himself, and her husband still says cool words:
"I don't know how to dress up, it's not feminine at all."
Not only that, but the more they do, the more they get wrong:
"I told you not to mess with my things, I can't find anything I have packed."
"The food you cook is not delicious at all, and that's all the way you spend all day."
The most heart-wrenching thing is that some children simply regard their mother, who raised them with hard work, as an enemy:
"My mom is the most annoying, really annoying."
"I want to remind myself not to become a woman like my mother in the future."
"Am I not here for you?" This is a classic question, which tells how many mothers have grievances in their hearts.
But many people tend to ignore that the source of all this may be because you don't love yourself enough.
Be yourself, and you will be happy
That's right, when you don't love yourself, others won't love you.
Because in your love, there will be a lot of grievances, even dissatisfaction, and these others can actually feel it.
Everyone needs rest, socialising, hobbies and personal space.
But many people have to sacrifice all this for the sake of their children.
I want to go dancing and relax, but I have to take my children around to tutor: what if this little slack will make him lose to others?
This kind of love is actually suppressing one's own needs.
The pent-up demand will breed a lot of grievances and discomfort, which in turn will trigger more negative emotions in the interaction.
Sometimes mothers don't realize it themselves, and the feeling of self-sacrifice makes them look gloomy, nagging, and inexplicably on fire in their hearts, which is unconsciously manifested on their faces.
And with emotional companionship and dedication, children can perceive it sensitively.
The daughter who complained about her mother's biggest feeling was irritability and anger mixed with guilt.
She confessed: "I also know that my mother is very hard, and I am very grateful to her. But when she was there, I always felt a low pressure following me, making me breathless. ”
Unhappiness is contagious.
Just like an American psychologist once did a "poker face" experiment: in the face of the mother's cold face, the child will eventually have an emotional breakdown.
Mother's emotional response patterns can have a profound impact on a child's psychological state and emotional well-being.
It is conceivable that if such a "poker face" becomes the background color of the family, it will also be a dark cloud in the child's life.
It is difficult for an unhappy mother to make others feel happy.
As the psychologist Ms. Hong Lan once said: from the perspective of human evolution, the mother is the soul of the family, the mother is happy, the whole family is happy, and the mother is anxious, and the whole family is anxious.
At the same time, you can also examine yourself: Is there a compulsion in your love for others?
For example, young people often joke: There is a kind of coldness, which is called your mother thinks you are cold.
In psychology, this kind of mother who is overly worried about her child is called "autumn pants syndrome", and the psychological motivation behind it is often to compensate for the unloved self in childhood by satisfying the child.
And many mothers who desperately want to give their children the best resources and train their children with the greatest effort are sometimes looking for their own meaning in life through their children.
They are competing with their children for themselves and have a narcissistic relationship with themselves.
This kind of love cannot nourish the child, and the child cannot get his own life experience.
The more you give, the deeper the child's sense of emptiness and emptiness.
So, it is only when you put yourself first that you have the strength to love the world.
Only by caring for yourself and making yourself full can you give your children love in the true sense.
Love your lover before you love,
Always put yourself first
But always putting yourself first is something that sounds beautiful and hard to do, because it challenges some mothers' preconceived beliefs.
Once a child deviates from expectations, many people will unconsciously PUA themselves:
Am I not doing well enough?
How can I improve to better influence my child?
Traditional values and requirements bind women too deeply, so that they deeply imprison themselves, and strive to be a good woman and a good mother with full marks all their lives.
Perhaps the first thing to do is to loosen oneself and not carry other people's lives on oneself.
"Don't interfere with other people's issues, and don't let others interfere with your own issues" is an important point of view in Adler's individual psychology.
Every life is independent.
On the premise of understanding the true thoughts of the child, the mother learns to protect him, give help, and do not interfere with each other's lives, which is the best blessing for a life.
At the same time, worry less and please yourself more.
A woman who knows how to please herself is demonstrating an ability to live a wonderful life.
Through you, children will see the vastness of the world and the wonder of life.
Getting your children to want to be like you is the best education in itself.
As the psychologist Kohut once said: What matters is not what you do for your child, but what kind of person you are.
So, divide the time of the chicken baby a little bit and go to a movie. Perhaps, with less supervision and advice, children can learn to be more responsible.
When you're tired, take a break. A little mess at home also gives Mr. space to take on housework.
"Happiness" itself is a thing that requires a lot of energy, and happiness is also the oxygen that a family needs the most.
Learn to put yourself first and be a woman who loves herself first.
We sing the praises of mothers for their greatness because they are really great, and mothers themselves do not need to be strict with themselves.
We sing because we like it, because we love, and love wants you to be yourself.
You are a mother, but you are first and foremost yourself, you have the same wide world, and you have the same life that can be freely roamed.
May all mothers always be free and passionate, and always love themselves!
If you are also trapped in the identity trap of "good mother and wife" and cannot live yourself, you can follow Teacher Lu Yiling and participate in the "3-day brave self-experience camp";
When you see yourself, learn to connect with yourself, and clarify the truest needs in your heart, you can release your charm and live a free life.