The word "mother" is not inherently associated with "sacrifice".
When we learn to loosen ourselves, children can also embrace their relaxed and stretched selves.
Author | Tomato Mom
As the editor of the Daughters Pie, I write an article every Mother's Day. (Last year, I wrote "After 13 Mother's Day, I Realized the Real Meaning Behind This Day")
This year's Mother's Day is here again, and unsurprisingly, my circle of friends has been swiped by all kinds of words praising my mother's selflessness and greatness.
But I don't think it should be like this.
Fifty or sixty years ago, we would sing the praises of Hu Shi's mother, Lu Xun's mother, and their selflessness and dedication.
But today, when we are once again moved by the words of mothers who are selfless and reckless, are we acquiescing, accepting, approving, or even reinforcing the sacrifices and dedication they have made for their families?
This Mother's Day, I don't want to "sing" about my mother anymore.
Because, a "great" mother means not only dedicating herself, but also sacrificing the happiness of her children.
To be honest, I used to be a selfless mother.
I grew up in a traditional family, and in my memory, my mother has always been selfless for us.
My mother used to be an excellent elementary school teacher.
When I was in junior high school, she had the opportunity to transfer to another town to become an elementary school principal.
I remember that night, my mother couldn't sleep, and the next day she said to me, "You are now in the critical period of study, what will you do if I leave you at this time?" ”
In the end, she stayed in the original school, and her resume has been fixed in the position of "teacher".
So, when I became a mother, I basically copied my mother's great line.
Before I had a child, I used to work my way up to the position of editor-in-chief, but after having a daughter, for the sake of my family, I chose to become a stay-at-home mother when my child was 2 years old.
At this point, children occupy almost all of my life.
I get up on time at 6 o'clock every morning to make breakfast for the family, call my daughter to get up and eat, pack her schoolbag, I drive her to school, go home and ask my husband to get up for breakfast, and when my husband leaves, I will clean up the table and do housework.
At noon, I was afraid that my daughter would not be used to eating in the school cafeteria, so I took my daughter home for lunch, and then sent it back to school, and then went to pick up my daughter from school in the evening and went home to cook...
This persistence is seven or eight years.
I've always thought that I should give and deserve everything to my children, and all mothers should do the same.
But I have a small hair, she gave birth to a baby about 3 years earlier than me, and she also gave birth to a daughter, but her educational philosophy is completely different.
She got married and became pregnant not long after she graduated.
When her daughter was two or three years old, she had the opportunity to be sent by the unit to study abroad, and after only thinking about it for one night, she decided to leave the child to her husband to take care of, and she went without hesitation.
I think when I heard the news, I also specially chatted with her privately, saying that now is the time when the child needs a mother, let her think twice, don't regret it later.
Her reply was, "If I really miss this opportunity to be promoted because of my children, I will really regret it for the rest of my life." ”
After returning from further study, Fa Xiao has not been idle, and she can often be seen in the circle of friends on business trips to various cities.
I heard that she has also been absent from her daughter's parent-teacher meetings many times, and she has cultivated her daughter's skills in going to and from school and cooking by herself early.
I have always begged to agree with the "selfish" approach of making a small child.
Many years have passed, my daughter has gone to junior high school, and my daughter has also gone to high school.
Once, I came to my city on a business trip, and by the way, I brought my daughter Xiao Ke to travel together.
When we met many years later, I found that my girlfriend was in excellent condition, full of energy, well-proportioned, elegant and intellectual.
And me? Her face was haggard, her body was bloated, and she was dressed plainly, like a resentful woman.
Between the meals, I couldn't help but complain about my recent situation:
You see my husband, he won't be home for half a month when he goes on a business trip, and I have to do everything by myself;
The child is not worry-free, the grades are particularly unstable, and the math is poor;
You say I have to worry about everything every day, I'm really tired...
On the contrary, she is small, and she has been smiling and sharing with me her experience, observations, and mental journey and growth over the years.
Xiao Ke also echoed his mother on the side, full of admiration.
Seeing this scene, I couldn't help but ask Xiao Ke a little sourly: "Your mother usually doesn't have much time to spend with you, won't you be unhappy?" ”
As a result, Xiao Ke shook his head and said:
"No, although my mother doesn't spend much time with me, I feel very happy as her daughter.
Auntie, do you know? I used to study under a lot of pressure, but my mother took me and the teacher a day off, took me to the playground for a day, and then took me to the spa, I never felt so relaxed.
And yesterday I saw my mother speak at the conference, there were so many people at the bottom, my mother was not stunned at all, it was really cool!
I also want to be like my mom in the future, and I plan to go to Qinghai to volunteer for environmental protection during the summer vacation, and my mom is very supportive. ”
I found that when Xiao Ke talked about this, there was light in her eyes, and she really recognized her mother from the bottom of her heart.
And it can be seen that Xiao Ke is a confident, independent and assertive child.
Thinking about my own daughter, I have always taken good care of her, for fear that she will be tired and miserable.
But her personality is always submissive, she never knows what she wants, and she always wants to back down when she encounters something.
On my way home that day, I began to reflect on whether I had done something wrong.
I remember when my daughter was in the fifth grade of elementary school, she begged me to go home by myself after school like my classmates.
But I flatly refused: "No, how dangerous you are alone!" ”
I also remember when my daughter was just in junior high school, because she didn't fit in, she was at the bottom of the class in the first exam.
Back home, I threw a tantrum at her:
I revolve around you every day, you still don't study hard, are you worthy of me? What a disappointment for me!
At that time, I completely ignored the tears rolling in my daughter's eyes when she lowered her head.
It may be that in such countless moments, the daughter became more and more inferior and depressed.
I finally found out sadly that all the love I gave my daughter was not what she needed.
My dedication not only sacrificed the value of my life, but also wiped out the vigorous vitality of my children.
I saw a blogger from Beijing on the hot search before.
The blogger's mother is a particularly independent woman who has never been trapped by marriage and having children.
She was born in Guangzhou, studied at Harbin Institute of Technology for both undergraduate and graduate studies, studied computer science, and after graduating from graduate school, she chose to immigrate abroad for better development.
From the blogger's birth to the age of 13, his mother has been absent from his growth, has always stayed abroad to work hard for his career, and rarely flies back to China to visit him and his father within a year.
Therefore, his feelings for his mother are very complicated, and he can't tell whether his mother loves him or not.
But his mother did make him very admired, he has a house and a car in Beijing, and he travels around the world when he has nothing to do, and his spiritual world is very rich.
A lot of the time he thinks that maybe he is his mother's shackles, so his mother doesn't like him.
Now that he has grown up and seen the world, he has finally seen a lot of things, and his mother has her own mountains and seas.
The one with the highest likes at the bottom is:
"Next time this kind of script, please give it to my mother, she is too bitter in her life!"
Yes, in China, too many women have dedicated their lives to their families and children, and have never pursued their own lives in their lives.
As children, what we want to see most is that our mothers can be sober and independent and live a good life for themselves.
When a mother manages herself well, it will bring her children a steady stream of strength.
Last year, American scientist Kataline Kaliko became the 13th female scientist in history to win the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine for her outstanding discoveries in the field of nucleotide-based modifications.
Cariko's scientific research path was very bumpy, and he often failed to get scientific research funds, and was even demoted at one point.
But she never gave up, always believed in her dreams, devoted herself to her career, and finally made a breakthrough.
She is most proud of her daughter, Francia, a famous American rower who has won two Olympic gold medals.
Susan Francia (fourth from right) won the Beijing Olympic Games
The media once asked her: "How do you raise your children?" ”
"As a woman, I want to tell other women scientists and mothers that you don't have to choose between family and career, you don't have to help your children excessively, your children will follow your example," Cariko replied. ”
Under the influence of her mother's words and deeds, her daughter Francia followed in her mother's footsteps all the way, overcoming obstacles and becoming more and more courageous.
When the mother lives her own wonderful life, the child will learn from the same and become a self-loving and self-reliant person.
It was also from that time that I decided to change myself.
After discussing it with my teammates, I decided to go back to work and pick up my old job as an editor.
When my daughter heard about my decision, she also expressed her special support for me:
"Mom, I've read your article before, it's very good, you must continue to write!"
A month after returning to work, I feel more comfortable and confident than ever before, even though I have to juggle work and family at the same time.
My teammates began to understand my hard work and took the initiative to take on a lot of work for me;
When my life no longer revolves around my daughter, the pressure on my daughter has been lightened a lot, her whole person has become relaxed, and there is a lot more smile on her face.
I finally got it:
Whether as a wife or a mother, a woman's greatest asset is to always make herself a shining person.
Late last year, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, one of the nine justices of the U.S. Supreme Court, died.
She is not only a well-known feminist who has spoken out for countless women who have received injustice, but also a wife and mother who has been loved by her husband and children all her life.
She said this sentence in her biography that impressed me deeply:
"Don't let them hold you back, reach for the stars."
An excellent mother is by no means a great woman who blindly buries her head in dedication and sacrifices silently;
Instead, he always exudes charm, and strives to live himself as a beam of light, guiding children to go to the sea of stars together.
This Mother's Day, I sincerely wish mothers to focus more on the cup in front of them, love themselves well, and pour the cup of wine for themselves.
Click "Like" and encourage together.