Some time ago, I saw a netizen complaining that his mother-in-law was a "two-faced person".
I just gave birth to a baby and am breastfeeding.
The husband is at home, the mother-in-law cooks, and the pot is full of ribs;
The husband is not at home, and the mother-in-law cooks the meal, and there are only side dishes in the soup.
I wanted to eat bird's nest, but my mother-in-law said that bird's nest was cold and not suitable for breastfeeding.
But when the sister-in-law became pregnant, the mother-in-law said to her daughter in front of her:
Eat more bird's nest is good for your baby.
She couldn't help but complain to her husband, but he didn't believe it at all:
"My mom is so good to you, you think too much."
Helpless, she had no choice but to vent her emotions on the Internet, and accidentally blew up a group of daughters-in-law who had similar experiences to her.
"When her son came home from work, she would rush to my bedroom to pick up the child; Her son wasn't at home, and she wouldn't even enter my bedroom door. ”
"Pretend to be in my camp in front of me, and sue her son behind my back."
"I said on WeChat that my husband and I were filial, and I heard her scolding everywhere in the surveillance."
When it comes to these bitter tears, many women must be able to say a few words.
It is said that "open guns are easy to dodge, but hidden arrows are difficult to prevent".
If the mother-in-law is straightforward, even if there are any contradictions and misunderstandings, she can talk about them on the spot.
But if the mother-in-law is kind on the surface, she hides it in her heart and doesn't say it.
Even if the family is calm on the surface, there is a crisis behind it.
The reason why Chinese mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are difficult to get along with is actually three words:
Too crowded.
In the book "Social Change and Women's Issues", there is such a survey:
"Nearly half of the divorced families in China are divorced, which is caused by the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law."
For retirement, childcare, or financial issues, etc.
Even if many newborn families are married and have children, they inevitably live under the same roof as their in-laws.
The distance is closer, and the filth naturally increases.
I once heard a friend complain about her mother-in-law complaining about her husband.
After asking carefully, I understand:
It turned out that she always felt that her mother-in-law was "harboring evil intentions".
Usually the two are as close as mother and daughter, talking and laughing.
In her spare time, her mother-in-law will also help her with housework.
She thought she had met a fairy mother-in-law, until one day her husband complained that she shouldn't always let the old man work.
"My mother is old and in poor health, don't always let her do housework, I'm not at home, can't you help me take care of the elderly?"
At that time, she was in a hurry to argue, but her mother-in-law on the side shed tears.
Later, I found out that my mother-in-law always asked her to wash the dishes in front of the family after eating.
Sometimes the family watches TV, and the mother-in-law will pick up a mop and mop the floor.
After this, she couldn't help but start to wonder if her mother-in-law liked to do one thing in front of her face.
Life is extremely tense, and in the process of getting along with my mother-in-law, I am afraid of stepping on landmines.
She was puzzled:
What good can a mother-in-law do by doing this?
In fact, the reason is very simple:
Because in a family, there can only be one man and one hostess.
In the past, the family structure emphasized the importance of elders and constrained women to be filial to their in-laws.
The so-called mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship is just a monopoly.
But today's marriage, whether it is between husband and wife, between small families and large families, or between juniors and elders.
The concept of "equality with each other" is popularized.
Everyone is on the same starting line, and whoever can strike first is likely to be the final winner.
Some know how to exit appropriately and leave space for small families.
But others hope that they can continue to be the backbone of the family.
Such a mother-in-law can be strong and controlling, and hopes that everyone will obey her and be under her control.
It is also possible to get used to being a "two-faced person", while being amiable, while secretly provoking.
can let his son see his goodness, and can make his daughter-in-law bow her head between soft and hard.
Li Yinhe once said:
"In traditional Chinese families, the parent-child relationship is more important than the relationship between husband and wife;
In the modern nuclear family, the relationship between husband and wife is the mainstay, supplemented by the parent-child relationship. ”
Almost everyone believes that whether the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law gets along well depends on the man behind the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
He is the son of his mother-in-law and the husband of his wife.
If you abide by the tradition and focus on the parent-child relationship, the role of the husband will become a "mom boy".
If he focuses on modern family relationships, he will become an "unfilial son" in the eyes of his parents.
Therefore, when most mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships have problems, what puts men in a dilemma is not that they can't take care of the left and right.
It's an inversion of identity:
Be a good husband in front of your mother and a good son in front of your wife.
The misalignment of identity determines that the problem can never find a breakthrough.
The confession of a husband on the Internet reflects this.
Because of the matter of dressing, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law were very unhappy.
It was a dinner time for relatives, and the family was ready to go out.
The mother-in-law saw that her daughter-in-law was wearing less clothes and felt that the wind would be cold, so she suggested that the other party wear thicker clothes.
The wife politely refused at first, saying that she had felt the temperature outside when she collected the clothes, so she didn't feel cold when she wore them.
But her mother-in-law repeatedly advised her to wear thicker.
After many times, his wife became impatient and turned her head angrily:
"I don't change!"
Later, the two fell into a cold war.
And what about this husband?
He went to talk to his mother, and he heard his mother's complaints about his wife.
Trying to ease the relationship between the two, she only cared about speaking for her wife, but in exchange for her mother's sadness.
As well as a deeper prejudice against his daughter-in-law, disappointment with his son's behavior.
He thought about persuading his wife again, and was going to take her clothes and change them.
But this move, as if adding fuel to the fire, made his wife dissatisfied.
"You're not on my side, you're in the same league as your mother, and you're still taking clothes."
The husband caught in the middle was in a dilemma, thinking that he had done a good job and couldn't find anything wrong.
But in fact, the husband's "unclear" is always the catalyst for the conflict between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law.
From the perspective of parent-child, the husband, who has been educated by his parents since childhood, naturally has a greater sense of identity with his mother-in-law's values.
Coupled with the idea of filial piety to the elders, I always subconsciously hope that my wife will be softer and docile.
Like the husband in this story, he agrees with his mother's approach.
I also hope that my wife can be filial to her elders and take the initiative to bow her head.
As everyone knows, such behavior will only lead to the deterioration of contradictions.
For the husband's actions are tantamount to:
Leave the matter of filial piety to your mother to your wife, and leave the responsibility of taking care of your wife to your mother.
After the misplaced identity, the blame was shaken.
But just as it is difficult for parents to apologize to their children, it is impossible for most mothers-in-law to bow to their daughters-in-law.
At the same time, it is also difficult for the daughter-in-law to comply with the moral kidnapping of her husband and accept the outsourcing of filial piety.
In the end, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law gradually evolved into a husband and wife problem, and it ended in a breakdown.
After the husband shared the story, he got a comment from a male netizen.
"I often tell my mom that you should never treat my wife as a relative, and the right thing to do is to always treat her as a guest."
Because the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is maintained by the husband as an intermediary, there is no deep emotional support between them.
The closer you are, the harder it is to get along.
As a guest, you can maintain a harmonious atmosphere.
Approaching 40, he understands this truth more and more, and a good mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationship can't get along at all.
First, it is impossible for a mother-in-law to become a mother-in-law, and a daughter-in-law cannot become a daughter.
A harmonious parent-child relationship that allows the child to "offend" the parents.
But in most mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships, the mother-in-law wants the posture of the elder, and the daughter-in-law wants the position of the hostess.
The elders' unilateral "I'm good for you" can often only be self-inflicted.
Second, few men can do a good job of lubricants in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
In the contradiction between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, there is no right or wrong, only a position.
And the husband is often the most critical role.
Getting the support of the other side means that whoever wins.
But most people are often caught in a dilemma, or pull off the side of the shelf, leaving one of them unhappy.
In the end, no matter whether the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is good or bad, it is inevitable that some people will criticize the husband's handling.
Like the husband mentioned above, he thinks he is good enough to understand the feelings of both parties, and he also tries to be a lobbyist.
In exchange, it is still not pleasing to both ends.
Such situations, put in reality, abound.
Third, marriage is about two people living a good life, not three people living a bad life together.
The root cause of the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is that they always do bad things with good intentions for the purpose of reunion and so on.
Let two people who obviously don't get along well get together just want to get together.
Forcing two people to achieve harmony in their relationship, rather than respecting both parties and allowing space for the self.
You know, "it's okay" is a cross line in family relationships.
It's also not minding when you encounter contradictions.
Here, perhaps, everyone should be clear about one fact:
The meaning of starting a family is not to quarrel, but to live happily.
There can be no perfect mother-in-law in the world, and there can be no daughter-in-law who does everything perfectly.
It is even more unlikely that there will be a husband who is left and right.
It's a good thing and a blessing to meet it.
If you can't meet each other, you should also respect each other's differences and shortcomings.
Distance will make the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law better.
Only by lowering expectations can we get along with each other more harmoniously.