In a successful marriage, couples often create stories that can be shared. They create a story around a series of shared memories and use this story to prove that they care about each other and the intrinsic value of marriage.
—— Cen Rong, Reader, Issue 22, 2020
The 90-year-old artist You Benchang recently appeared on the hot search again, this time not because of his superb acting skills, but because of his unique views on marriage and love.
In the marriage journey of You Benchang and his wife, they faced many challenges together.
When his wife suddenly fell seriously ill, he did not hesitate to retire early, turned down all invitations, and accompanied his wife for treatment.
He firmly believes that there is no sacrifice between husband and wife, and even if there are stumbles, as long as they support each other and understand each other, they can solve the problem.
Now, after more than 60 years of spring and autumn, they are still in love.
When asked, what is the secret to marital happiness?
He said: "The last sentence is for the other party to say, and he will not make a sound." ”
"No sound", just two words, but it contains great wisdom.
Behind this sentence is not only respect and understanding, but also deep love and tolerance for each other.
Source: Visual China
"Not ringing" is to listen to the other person and not rush to express yourself
A philosopher once said, "Silence is a kind of cultivation, a kind of smelting." Proper silence you will find more effective than nagging. ”
In marriage, you should also learn to be silent at the right time, speak for 10 seconds, and listen for 10 minutes.
The ear is the way to the heart, and learning to listen is the most tender attention to the other half, and it can also improve the relationship with each other.
You know, a little more complaining, a little less warmth; Your aggressive posture is the fuse for the breakdown of your marriage.
There's an impressive clip in "Answer 1988":
To celebrate the birthday of her husband, President Kim, Ms. Leopard made a table of dishes and happily prepared cakes and gifts with her two sons.
After the birthday song is sung, the son gives a gift.
President Kim's reaction was very cold, he threw the gift aside, ate a few bites, and left the table.
Lady Leopard and her sons looked at each other with bewilderment in their eyes.
Later, when Ms. Leopard was sorting through her old belongings, she found a cassette tape in which the voice of President Kim's mother came out.
When President Kim heard this, he said that he was unhappy because he missed his mother.
I used to have my mother with me every time I had a birthday, but now I don't have this companionship, and I can't help but feel sad.
Ms. Leopard listened quietly to her husband's story, reminiscing about the good old days.
At this time, silence is better than sound, and listening patiently is the greatest comfort to President Kim.
Silence is gold, indifference is the sword, and the highest level of communication is listening.
"Not silent" in marriage is not silent, but when the other party expresses it, it is not in a hurry to refute or interrupt.
Understanding the needs of the other party and understanding the other party's mind will reduce many misunderstandings.
A good marriage is half about expression and half about listening.
The Reader shares an idea from psychologist Robert Sternberg's book Love is a Story: A New Theory of Intimacy:
In a successful marriage, couples often create stories that can be shared. They create a story around a series of shared memories and use this story to prove that they care about each other and the intrinsic value of marriage.
Cover image of Reader magazine
The purpose of expression is to seek a connection, to create a story that belongs to two people, not a one-way output.
Couples who can really stay together for a lifetime often use two things: one is the mouth and the other is the ear.
The mouth is used to communicate, the ears are used to listen, and if you keep it "silent" properly, you will not get tired of it for a long time, and the white head will still be with you.
"Not ringing" is to be inclusive, to be harmonious and different
In the interview, the reporter asked You Benchang if there would be a conflict with his wife?
He did not shy away from replying: "Of course there is." Harmony is different, and difference is contradiction. But try to let it go, and solve any problems.
For example, this is what I like, that's what she likes, that's it. What we all have in common (is) not to eat spicy food. In addition, now (because) of physical reasons, she can't eat oil, but I need oil, she is fatter, I am thinner, take what they need, take care of each other. ”
Grandpa You Benchang advocated that we should learn to be tolerant and tolerant in marriage, rather than always thinking about changing each other.
It is easy to fall in love, but it is difficult to stay together, and it is necessary to be accompanied by each other for a long time.
reminds me of an old couple in the documentary "The Fruit of Life".
Even though the two of them are over ninety years old, their bodies are still strong, guarding a courtyard, three meals in all seasons, and living a life of firewood, rice, oil and salt.
They each have their own hobbies, do not disturb each other, and respect each other.
Mr. Shuichi is a very talented and lovely old man.
Make small brands for vegetables and fruits, and provide "bird water" for birds.
He also writes 10 letters a day to friends he has never met, and rides his bicycle to send letters.
Grandma Yingzi goes to a regular store every month to buy, and in her spare time, she also makes some desserts with the ingredients she grows to eat.
Although the lifestyles of the two are different, they will still take each other's preferences to heart and be harmonious and affectionate.
It's like Grandma Yingzi doesn't like potatoes, but she still makes potato dishes for her grandfather in different ways.
Respect your hobbies and uphold your choices.
When they first got married, their grandfather, who had a monthly salary of only 40,000 yuan, wanted to buy a sailboat of 700,000 yuan, and his grandmother was also fully supportive.
She often went to the pawnshop, discarded useless things and clothes, and said with a smile: "You can't tell him this kind of thing." ”
Since they got married in 1955, the two have respected each other for 60 years and rarely argued.
The sea is tolerant of all rivers, and tolerance is great; If there is tolerance, the marriage will last long.
Writer Ai Xiaoyang once said: "Don't talk about three views and fight for right and wrong in intimate relationships, but know how to introspect and be grateful, understand that intimacy is more important than correctness, and tolerance is more important than transformation." ”
Respect for each other is the foundation for happiness.
Marriage is like a pot of soup that needs to be seasoned by two people.
Quarrels will only make the soup tasteless, and tolerance can make a delicious dish.
Source: Visual China
"Don't make a sound" is self-control, not competing for superiority
In "One Sentence Top 10,000 Sentences", it is said: "When they are in love, they have endless words; After getting married, they had endless quarrels. ”
Teeth and tongue sometimes touch, let alone intimate couples?
There is no such thing as a partner who does not quarrel, and the key lies in how you deal with the trivial conflicts in your life.
When watching the show "The Man Who Does Housework", he was forcibly fed "dog food" by Yuan Hong and his wife.
The daily life of the two of them is super sweet, just like an idol drama.
In the show, they filmed the windows together, but they had different opinions, and the atmosphere became more and more tense.
At this time, Yuan Hong suddenly quipped: "It must be a problem with the window, or a problem with the ruler, in short, it's not a wife's problem." ”
Yuan Hong also danced awkwardly when he didn't agree with each other to ease the atmosphere and give his wife a step.
In these little things, Yuan Hong is not thinking about arguing with his wife about right or wrong, but hoping that his wife will be happy.
Humility to the other party, the contradiction will be resolved in an instant, and the relationship will be deepened.
When a husband and wife quarrel, one person's emotions rise, and the other person will also follow suit.
One word you say, one word I say, constantly attacking each other, for fear that they will lose.
The mouth is unforgiving, the more noisy the feelings, the worse it is, and the more problems are said.
And smart couples know how to press the pause button and talk less when they are emotional.
The wisdom of Grandpa You Benchang's "leave the last sentence to the other party to say" is reflected.
It takes two people to quarrel, and one person is enough to stop arguing.
When you control your desire to win, don't fight to win or lose, and don't fight war of words, you won't be carried away by emotions.
As the saying goes: "The years are quiet for a moment, and the chicken feathers are the daily life." Even if the world is occasionally cold, the heart must be full of flowers. ”
Life is very long, take one step back and open the sky, take two steps back and the sky is clear.
Managing your emotions and calming your mind can calm down 80% of arguments.
The best marriage is not a lifetime without quarrels, but a quarrel that can be lived for a lifetime.
Don't set yourself against your partner, people who are hostile to each other will not be able to work together for a lifetime.
We must become comrades-in-arms with each other and share the ups and downs of life.
Source: Visual China
Recently, a video swiped the Internet, attracting the envy of countless netizens:
An old man in the subway has a cake next to him and a bouquet of red roses at his feet, and the card on the roses reads "Happy Golden Wedding".
Netizens commented: "Maybe this is what marriage should look like." ”
Marriage is a practice, and if you want to be separated, you need to go through the ordeal of "learning scriptures from the west" in order to obtain the true scriptures of happiness.
I hope we can all understand the wisdom of marriage "not ringing", and stay with the people around us until the golden wedding.
Author: Zi Buyu.