In counselling, I often meet clients who ask me, "How can I become more confident?"
Indeed, "confident" people have historically been particularly popular. However, with self-confidence comes low self-esteem, and I never seem to have met a visitor who came to me and asked, "How should I deal with my inferiority?" ”
We all naturally think that "self-confidence" is a positive term and "low self-esteem" is a derogatory term. We praise self-confidence, crave self-confidence, and then desperately hide our inferiority, as if inferiority is a bunch of mold that no one wants to touch, and when we see it, we will pretend not to see it. However, if we blindly cover our ears and steal the bell, will inferiority really not exist? If we try to hide our inferiority, will it have no trace? Of course not. One of my clients vividly illustrates the consequences of hiding low self-esteem.
The first time I made an appointment, I saw him yelling at the front desk secretary because when he entered the door, the front desk secretary was answering the phone and did not receive him immediately. He shouted for a complaint, and the poor front desk secretary was at a loss and could only be appeased. I was secretly accusing him of being rude, and by chance, his counselor happened to arrange for me.
His first visit was very dramatic, and he walked into the consultation room in a provocative tone, asking, "Where did you graduate with your Ph.D., how many years have you been working, and do you have any professional qualifications?"
I just smiled, "Instead of 'questioning' my qualifications, let's hear why you're here for help." ”
He stared at me with wide eyes as if no one had ever contradicted him. "I run a company with thousands of people, I'm a CEO, and almost no one refuses to answer my questions," he said. ”
I politely but firmly asked, "So, what if someone rejects you, what will happen to you? Will you make them feel scared?"
He seemed stunned by my question, and thought for a long time before replying, "Yes, they will be afraid." ”
So, what does the fear of others mean to you? authority? fear? Are you enjoying the fear of others? How would you react if the other person was not afraid of you? Would you be afraid of others?" I asked.
He was suddenly speechless, and I seemed to poke at his sensitive spot at once. A little angry, he raised his voice twice and said in an almost roaring voice, "Why should I be afraid? I'm not afraid of anyone!"
"Then you're just scared of yourself? After all, everyone has weaknesses, otherwise you wouldn't be here for consultation. "I didn't expect this consultation to intervene so quickly. At this time, he looked almost a little embarrassed.
In order not to raise his guard, I said in a soothing tone, "Don't worry, we don't need to be afraid of each other, but we need to be patient with your inner problems together." It might be a little difficult for you, but at least we're starting to try to get to know each other. ”
In the first two sessions, he was very resistant to revealing his heart, and I could only ask him about his upbringing very patiently and try to build his trust in me. After a few consultations, he finally said to me, "I need people to be afraid of me and follow me, because if not, I don't know how to make my presence felt." ”
"Why do you think this is the only way to make a sense of existence?" I asked curiously.
"Because that's what my father was. He finally confided in his knot.
"My father came from a poor family, and he was admitted to Cambridge University on his own. It was there that he met my mother. The mother's family was very wealthy, and the union between the father and the mother was strongly hindered by the mother's family, and after marriage, the father may be afraid that the mother's family will be looked down upon because of his poor background, so he deliberately tries to appear superior. He holds the shelf every day, and when he encounters the slightest dissatisfaction, he becomes angry and wants everyone to be afraid of him. ”
"I see, that's why you feel that anger or majesty is the only way to show your presence. Were you happy then? Was your mother happy?"
"You guessed it, I wasn't happy, and my mother left my father because of it. He looked at me and smiled helplessly.
I looked at him and said to him, "The emotional relationship between parents is usually the original template for us to build our own emotional relationship, and from your parent's relationship, you see anger, but you don't learn how to make others respect you, do you?"
Anger and majesty may bring a sense of existence, but they can also wither intimacy. This wrong way of expressing emotions is actually a manifestation of your lack of self-confidence, that is, low self-esteem. You need to know that without authority, you will be heard and respected as well. ”
In the subsequent consultation, I slowly showed him that although I was not afraid of him, I still respected him. He realized that he didn't really need to yell at me, because I would remember every detail he had said in the consultation and help him go over and over and over and analyze the details.
In the last treatment, he said to me very sincerely, "I'm sorry, I was rude to you before, I underestimated you. ”
I smiled and said, "You don't underestimate me, in fact, most of the time you don't need to use anger to show your presence, other people will value you just as much." ”
Outbursts of anger are often a kind of paranoia about how much they are valued, and some people feel that if they don't get angry, no one will follow their commands. Their empty inner body supports a mask of teeth and claws, but in fact, they are very weak inside.
If you are surrounded by someone who often belittles others and is keen to display various feelings of superiority, then there is a good chance that this person also has low self-esteem.
With the rise of the Internet, people's privacy has nowhere to hide, and all aspects of life have become a stage where they can show themselves. But this kind of 360° display without dead ends may also cause huge internal friction.
Behind people's brightness and glamour, it may be a lack of confidence in themselves, and this self-identification effect that can only be obtained by comparing with others is short-lived.
Psychologically speaking, superiority is also an unhealthy defense mechanism that people develop in order to get rid of low self-esteem. The Emperor's New Clothes are a well-known example of superiority, where the Emperor thought he was wearing a fine costume but was actually naked.
Of course, in addition to these masks, low self-esteem can also appear to us in a familiar way. For example, unconsciously pleasing others, doubting that they are not good enough, always hating themselves, being extremely sensitive to other people's evaluations, often doubting every decision they make, often apologizing, and finding it difficult to say "no" to others......
No matter how it is expressed, low self-esteem is ultimately a non-acceptance of oneself. However, if you can't even accept yourself, how can you expect the world to accept you?
When the world looks at you coldly, do you recognize your own worth, can you see the good qualities in yourself, can you be proud of yourself, or do you feel like you're just a failure?
Do you hate or like yourself in your heart? The famous Morris Rosenberg Self-Esteem Inventory in psychology can help you better understand whether you have low self-esteem (see the appendix at the end of this book).
At the end of the day, we need to know that self-confidence comes from the fact that you approve of yourself, not whether others approve of you. Low self-esteem can manifest itself in various ways, it can make you unable to see yourself clearly, and finally make you lose the opportunity to change yourself. Why do people have low self-esteem? It is because they are afraid to face their true selves. The more people pretend, the less courage they have to see themselves.
To be truly confident, you should first see yourself.
All kinds of doubts in the process of growing up may make low self-esteem accompany us. The past cannot be repeated, and we may have to struggle with the past for the rest of our lives. No matter what the experience is or what the state is, staying away from low self-esteem is something we can try and work towards.
Even if we don't get the "golden armor" of self-confidence when we were young, it doesn't mean that we can't build it ourselves. I hope the following Dr. Yin's psychological tips can help you improve your self-esteem, improve a little every day, defeat your inferiority complex, and make you really like yourself.
- Dr. Yin's Psychological Tips -
· Pay attention to posture. There are often psychological cues behind the body's response. When you feel insecure, you will subconsciously curl up, and one of the physical reactions to low self-esteem is to shrink your hands and feet and stretch your body, which can help you quickly get out of the state of inferiority.
· When faced with an emergency, wait a while instead of reacting immediately (you can try to reply after 30 seconds). Maybe others don't treat you coldly, but you subconsciously "feel" that you are being attacked, so waiting more and learning to listen to the other person's expression can allow you to hear the true reaction of your heart and leave enough room for thinking.
· Be more accommodating with yourself. Whether you and yourself are friends or foes are all in one thought, and this thought may bring about a big change.
Source: People's Posts and Telecommunications Press
"Counselor, why am I not happy"
Why is it that the older you get, the harder it is for a person to be happy? After assuming certain social roles, people quietly suppress their emotions. Over time, they got used to wearing all sorts of masks: the mask of a pleaser, the mask of a victim, the mask of a pretending optimist...... People use these masks to hide their true thoughts, but every time they use them, they are invisibly wearing willow locks, and they are overwhelmed and become more and more unhappy.
"Beautiful masks" are associated with a strong sense of inferiority, fear, and in the end, they mean that we are unable to accept our true selves. In order to take off the mask and get out of the low self-esteem, we need to face the pain bravely, recognize the misconceptions caused by the trauma, and abandon the old beliefs, so as to overcome the inner insecurity and improve the power of self-care.
Changing the way we talk to ourselves can help us accept ourselves more quickly. This book selects more than 20 case stories about "post-traumatic growth" to restore the dialogue process of psychological counseling, even if we temporarily lack the support of professional psychological counseling, we can learn to ask ourselves some questions through the dialogues in the book, and find the cause of inner suffering from the problems, and start the process of self-healing.
At the end of each story, the author also combines psychoanalytical, humanistic, and cognitive-behavioral therapy to provide readers with tips for self-help.
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