Wen Xiaowen
"Life is not only about bread, but also about roses. ”
I deeply believe that in today's increasingly abundant material, spiritual nourishment, spiritual watering, taste satisfaction, and quality of life improvement are often more important.
Most marriages are improvised, but after losing their freshness, the hard wounds in the marriage begin to appear. I don't know if you have noticed that more and more women, after the age of 50, begin to gradually distance themselves from their husbands.
This change may not be due to the Cold War or quarrels, but what is the reason for this?
01 Emotional disappointment: Pursue a deeper connection
I once saw such a sentence:
"We don't love because we're lonely, but because we're looking for a soul that comforts us. ”
After decades of marriage, many women may find that their emotional connection with their partner is not as deep as it was at the beginning. Once a man passionately pursued himself, it would make a woman think that a man was a person who understood her, but after a long time, the woman found that the man did not bother to understand her heart at all.
Yi Nengjing once summed up her marriage with her ex-husband Yu Chengqing in one sentence, he loves me very much, but he doesn't understand the exit of my soul, because he doesn't read my words. For Yi Nengjing, who has a complex original family, this kind of emotion and emotional requirements are extremely high, but Yu Chengqing can't give it.
This feeling, I understand very well, is the feeling that although we share the same bed, our hearts are as distant as planets.
A reader wrote to her before, she is 48 years old, she said that in the eyes of outsiders, her marriage should be very happy, and her husband makes a lot of money, but just like whether the shoes fit or not, only she knows, and only she knows the bitterness in her heart.
Her husband rarely communicates with her, she originally wanted to learn yoga and fitness, but was stopped by her husband, saying that she can practice at home, she has emotional needs, and her husband can't give it, and the most sentence she says is "Why do you have so many things".
After her children gradually became independent, she gradually found that she had less and less communication with her husband, and the common topics and emotional exchanges between the two were almost zero, and the few exchanges were not speculative.
In this situation, she felt a deep sense of loneliness and emotional emptiness.
In "Intimacy", it says:
"The real motivation behind starting and maintaining an intimate relationship is really the need. “
As the other half of the marriage, the man should try to pay attention to the psychological state of his lover. For women over 50, this emotional disappointment in their marriage often stems from the need for deep spiritual and emotional communication.
What they crave may be more understanding and deeper empathy, which requires men to improve their emotional intelligence and empathy in order to make the marriage relationship more harmonious and beautiful.
If men are always self-respecting and refuse to put down their shelves and listen to women's hearts, then when this desire cannot be satisfied through the existing marital relationship, they may choose to gradually distance themselves and seek out someone or something that can bring them soul comfort.
02 Self-actualization: Seek personal growth and development
"A person's value lies in what he contributes, not what he gets. ”
This sentence is a good reflection of a kind of self-awakening after people reach middle age. Many times, middle-aged women may re-examine their life goals and values after years of raising children and caring for their families.
One of my neighbors, like her husband, used to be a graduate of a prestigious university, but later gave up many opportunities for personal career development because of the pressure of raising children and family.
When her children grow up and she is almost 50 years old, she should be happy, but she suddenly realizes that she can start pursuing her career dreams again.
This thought led her to gradually reduce her interaction with her husband and focus on work and personal development, and when she was completely concerned about household chores, her relationship with him was strained.
In fact, at the age of 50, many women will have more time and resources to think about and realize their dreams. Whether it's returning to the workforce or starting a new hobby, these activities are a sign of their quest for self-fulfillment.
Gibran said:
"Marriage is when two strong people who love each other work together in order to overcome the ups and downs of the journey together. ”
That's right, in real marriages, most of the men grow much faster than women in their careers, and women are often consumed and sacrificed for the sake of family and children, which will lead to two people unable to understand and resonate with each other in marriage, and when a woman also strives to grow rapidly in her career and hobbies, this is precisely a solid foundation for two people to communicate and exchange.
Therefore, there is no need for men to panic about the growth of women, growth is the natural eruption of a person's vitality.
Jin Bo, a tutor of Relations Studies, once said:
"The only point of two people being together is to help each other improve, and the same is true in an emotional relationship. When the meaning of mutual improvement ends, it is time for the two to separate. ”
Men and women are inherently equal, and when a woman has sacrificed herself for you and for the family, you, as a husband, may choose to reduce their interaction with their husbands in order to better focus on their own development if they do not support or understand this pursuit.
It's not just a matter of not doing housework, it's about not even providing you with a little emotional value.
03 Lack of emotional value: looking for emotional resonance
In marriage, love alone is not enough, it also needs to be understood, and emotional value is needed.
In "Seeing Emotional Value", it says:
"Everyone has emotions, but not everyone can provide emotional value. In an intimate relationship, whether a person can provide high emotional value to their partner can largely determine the success or failure of a relationship. ”
Most men who can provide emotional value will have good emotional intelligence, and when you don't even have the least emotional intelligence, it's really disappointing to get along with such a person.
I have a female friend, Kochi, 52 years old, who has been the pillar of the family for many years, whether it is doing housework or educating children, she is conscientious and strict with herself, and her life is managed by her well, but she has a husband with super low emotional intelligence, which often makes her unbearable.
Once she asked her best friend's family to come to her city to play, her best friend's family and her whole family had a meal, and after playing several places, she was very happy, when she went to catch the high-speed rail, she said to her husband, you go to send off her best friend's family, although she can also drive, but she feels that the station is not very easy to park, so she naturally asked her husband to help, but her husband said: "It is also very convenient to go to the station to take the bus." ”
As soon as her husband said this, her best friend immediately said to her: "Yes, yes, it's not easy to park there, let's take a taxi, thank you for your hospitality." ”
Obviously, the girlfriend has a very high emotional intelligence, and the girlfriend immediately gave her husband a step down, but she was angry in her heart, and when the girlfriend's family left, she began to reason with her husband.
However, my husband didn't feel that there was anything wrong with what he was doing, but kept emphasizing that the station was not good for parking.
Well, this kind of straight man with ultra-low EQ is also hopeless.
With this husband, you long for him to be able to empathize with you at any time in life, which is a very difficult thing.
In the face of her husband's low emotional intelligence, she disliked chatting and communicating with him more and more, and she began to seek external comfort and no longer took into account her husband's feelings, such as participating in book clubs, yoga classes and tour groups, which not only gave her a new passion for life, but also allowed her to be mentally supplemented and supported.
This condition is especially common in many middle-aged women. They may look for that lost spiritual resonance in books, friendships, or social circles.
It's not just about finding friends to talk to, it's about finding an environment that understands and supports their emotional and spiritual needs.
As a husband, if your wife is "wavering" outside all day long, there is a high probability that she will be a little worried, so it is better to practice emotional intelligence and give your wife a relaxed and loving environment.
04 Mei Niang said
Overall, when a woman moves away from her partner after the age of 50, it is usually the beginning of her search for deep emotional satisfaction, room for personal growth, and spiritual resonance.
This is not an easy decision, but a challenging process of exploration.
Their choices, although they may bring a certain amount of loneliness and incomprehension, are an important step towards richer life experience and self-realization.
There will definitely be many men who don't understand them, thinking that they are "made", "restless" or even "selfish" and "bad".
I think of what Chizuruko Ueno said:
"I like to see such a large number of 'cheeky' girls who prioritize their own interests, because men put their own interests first from the beginning. ”
Yes, people are born egoists, a woman who values herself the most, wants to pay for her needs the most, and has nothing to be ashamed of.
And Angelina Jolie, a Hollywood evil female professional, also said:
"If the so-called bad woman refuses to follow the rules and norms of behavior that are not suitable for her, and never gives up the right to speak up for herself, then the whole world needs more bad women. ”
Only when women pay more and more for their own needs, take responsibility for themselves, and become more and more self-conscious, can men face up to their own problems, change themselves, and make our marriages happier and more satisfying.