After I retired, I thought I would be able to live a leisurely life and enjoy the joy of family life with my children. However, the reality is very different from what I imagined. In particular, getting along with my daughter bothered me deeply. She always ignored me, as if I had become a superfluous person.
It wasn't until a few days ago, chatting with an old friend, that it dawned on me: when people are old, they really shouldn't raise the bar everywhere, especially the people closest to them.
Narrator: Aunt Zou
I am 63 years old this year and have been retired for eight years. Before I retired, I was the finance manager of a private company, and I was used to dictating to others and getting them to listen to me. At that time, I was always full of confidence and thought that all my decisions were the right ones.
I have a pair of children, and my son has been well-behaved and obedient since he was a child, and he started a family early, and he also added a lovely grandson to me. My life should have been a happy one, but my daughter's rebellion became a thorn in my heart. She has been disobedient since she was a child, and she is even more rebellious and untamable when she grows up. Now 34 years old, she still has no plans to get married, how can I, as a mother, not be anxious?
I remember last year, on the night of the first day of the Lunar New Year, our family sat around for dinner. I tried to talk to my daughter about her marriage and hoped that she would start a family soon. However, before I could say a few words, my daughter impatiently interrupted me: "Mom, don't talk to me about this every time. We have a colleague in our office who has been in office for 86 years, and I haven't found a partner yet, and they are doing well. Every time you push me, the more you push me, the more annoying I become. ”
As soon as I heard this, I was angry: "How can you compare yourself with others? Why don't you compare with your sister-in-law? Your sister-in-law is so old, and the children are already 5 years old, what about you?" When the daughter heard this, she directly scolded: "I'm too lazy to tell you, you like to raise the bar every time." After saying that, as soon as she put the dishes and chopsticks down, she didn't finish the meal, so she entered the room angrily and couldn't close the door.
There are many more similar things. Once, my daughter bought a new dress and showed it to me with great interest. I took a closer look and felt that the style was a bit old-fashioned, so I couldn't help but say a few words, saying that she was wasting money and might as well return it. As soon as my daughter heard this, her face sank: "Mom, what do you mean by this? Don't I even have the right to buy clothes?" I defended: "I didn't mean that, I just think this dress is not suitable for you." But my daughter ignored me and turned and went into her room.
More and more, I found that my daughter's attitude towards me was becoming more and more cold. I started to ask myself, was there something wrong with me?
So, I tried to communicate with my son. Unexpectedly, my son also accused me: "Mom, you have loved to control our brother and sister since you were a child." We all have our own ideas and ways of life, so why do you always interfere?" Am I not for their good, but why don't they understand me?
I went to my husband again to theorize. My husband is a gentle person, he didn't directly accuse me, but said euphemistically: "Only I can stand your temperament." You always feel like you're right, until others listen to you. "I listened to my husband's words, and I felt very uncomfortable. Am I really wrong?
One night, I stumbled upon a show about family relationships. The expert in the show said: "When people are old, they must learn to let go of their bodies and look down on everything." Don't bring that kind of strength from work to the family. Learn to communicate with your children and respect their ideas and lifestyles. ”
I listened to these words and fell into deep thought. Yes, I used to like my subordinates to listen to my arrangements in the unit, and although I heard some gossip behind my back, I always thought that my arrangements were right. I also always like to argue with reason, so I offend a lot of people at work.
我又想起了之前的一次跟朋友的闲聊，那位朋友的话：“你现在已经退休了，人老了，就要糊涂一点，看淡一点，不要“好为人师”。
It dawned on me: I was wrong! I shouldn't have raised the bar everywhere, let alone have a desire to control. I should respect my daughter's choices and lifestyle, instead of blindly interfering and blaming.
So, I started trying to change myself. At home, whenever I hear something I don't like, I don't say anything, go to the balcony to cool off or go out for a walk on my own. When I calmed down and communicated with my daughter again, I found that I was much calmer. This method works especially well for daughters.
Now I don't urge my daughter to find a partner anymore, she can find it whenever she likes. When the child grows up, I try to talk to her about topics she is interested in to enhance the relationship.
Slowly, I noticed that my daughter's attitude towards me had changed. She started taking the initiative to share things about her life and work with me. Our relationship has gradually become harmonious.
What surprised me even more was that my husband was the smartest person around me, he used to know the temperament of avoiding me, and now he sees my changes and compliments me from time to time. He said that I am becoming more and more considerate now, which makes him feel very relieved.
Even my son and daughter-in-law noticed the change in me. In the past, as long as they didn't come to see me for half a month, I would call and ask for a few words. It is estimated that it has also caused a lot of psychological pressure on them. Now they are busy with work and family, and they haven't come to see me for a month, and I haven't urged them. They don't like to come, but my son is not used to it, and takes the initiative to call to greet me.
Now that I am in my 60s, after experiencing so many things, I finally understand a truth: when people are old, they can't be too serious and stubborn, and in the end they win the reason and lose the relationship. Don't always like to give orders, raise the bar everywhere, and don't be in control. For the people close to you, if you want to be their adviser, you can just point it lightly, don't say too much.
Remember: when people are old, it is our task to be rich, healthy, and live every day. Avoid what you can't get used to, and shut up if you can't talk about it.
Do you think I'm right?