Winnicott has treated nearly 60,000 mothers, babies and families in his lifetime, and is a well-known child psychologist in the UK, and has made great contributions to the understanding and recognition of infants and children in the field of psychotherapy.
This is a selection of a series of lectures for families that the BBC has asked him to do.
This book is one of Winnicott's representative works on the process of emotional development.
Much of the book is based on the author's series of radio shows on the BBC, which has helped thousands of parents in the UK to better understand their children's emotional world and build a better mother-and-child parenting relationship.
In particular, the author looks at parenting with empathy, caring, and optimism, and sincerely appreciates and affirms the natural potential of parents, which is undoubtedly a great support for parenting.
What is abnormal parenting?
It is not normal for a child not to eat, it is not normal for a child to wet the bed, it is not normal for a child to scream if he is naughty, and it is even worse if the child is aggressive.
Winnicott said there was a little boy who was born prematurely and was admitted to the hospital's incubator after birth.
Later, his mother took him alone, and he started screaming whenever he felt uncomfortable and unpleasant, from baby to toddler.
Scream loudly until you feel better.
Winnicott observed how his mother responded to his behavior.
I found that the mother was very calm, and when the child began to scream, the mother would patiently accompany him and comfort him until he stopped.
Winnicott Says:
Psychologically, this is normal.
This is a normal child, this is a normal mother, this is normal parenting.
Winnicott made it clear that as a mother, you have to be strong enough to deal with these physical pains.
For the baby, the mother is the whole world, and it is normal for the baby to attack the mother.
The mother needs to let the child know that this level of aggression will not endanger the mother's life.
The world is safe, you are safe, and Mother and Mother love are still there.
Mom drops everything to focus on the baby
No one can be "trained" to make a child feel happy and happy.
You may have taught him to control his bowel movements, to laugh, to be polite to his elders, etc., but at some stage of his growth, the remnants of that "training" will come out again, and all kinds of troubles in older children will also make you anxious.
Control and training are like behaviorist Watson training young children: as a result, they all have all kinds of problems as adults.
The child's obedience is actually to be rewarded immediately by the parents, and the parents take it for granted that this obedience is mistaken as the child has grown up or is sensible.
The child knows that he pleases his parents because he is dependent on them for survival, but his personality is not naturally developed and may manifest itself in physical or other behavioral manifestations, such as illness, not going to school, or other problems, and he may not know how this happens.
Sometimes, we can see some older children regress into infantile state, then we know that they are experiencing some kind of difficulty that hinders development, so the child needs to revert to the protection of infancy, in order to regain the baby-like rights, in order to re-establish the laws of natural development.
I hope that the mother will see the baby as a person
Every mother wants to raise a clean, polite and orderly child.
But this does not require the mother to train deliberately, Winnickett wants the mother to see the baby as a person, in fact, when the child is still a baby, the mother does this, because the mother always takes care of the baby's feelings.
For example, when a baby wakes up in the cradle crying, the mother sends a signal to the baby to approach, and at the same time hurries to the baby, then gathers the child and gently picks it up......
This series of actions of the mother fully shows that the baby is being treated as a person, and not something else.
On the contrary, when children grow up, mothers no longer see them as human beings, but more as learning machines or whatever.
Winnickett's narrative posture throughout the book is very consistent, full of empathy and care for the mother's parenting work.
"Only dogs need to be trained, after all, dogs don't grow up" is probably the only harsh sentence in the book.
He believes that babies have innate potential, and mothers should believe in their baby's potential, which contains the law of life growth.
Children are born spontaneously, and this spontaneity pushes them to grow in the right direction.
In addition, the guilt that occurs when the baby interacts with the mother will prompt the child to slowly develop a sense of morality and responsibility, so we do not need to deliberately train the child at all.
In fact, only when the mother has the patience to wait for a period of time, follow the rhythm of natural growth, and let the baby fully experience all the difficulties and joys in the process of growth, can the baby truly grow into a sound person.
Write at the end
We don't have to be perfect, and we have a hard time doing it.
The quest for perfection only keeps us in a spiral of anxiety.
"Every baby has a strong vitality, this is an innate instinct, the baby will grow up on its own, as long as the mother gives him the right environment to grow up.
Some mothers see their children as clay in their hands and desperately pinch the mold, thinking that they must be responsible for the results, which is actually very wrong.
If you accept the idea that your baby is a thriving little life, you will be able to respond to his needs while calmly standing on the sidelines and having fun watching your little one grow. "