#头条创作挑战赛#
01
One of the core priorities of marriage is to build a sense of "we" shared by both husband and wife. As the old saying goes, love is the sweet interweaving of two people, while marriage is the blending and running-in of two families.
The root cause of many conflicts between husband and wife is often not due to the emotional entanglement of the husband and wife, but due to the huge network of original families behind each other, including parents, siblings and family members.
The disputes and conflicts between husband and wife are essentially because although they have built a new family, their hearts are still deeply rooted in their respective families of origin and have not been able to truly form an independent family identity.
The book brilliantly proposes a solution: "Establishing a sense of 'we' between husband and wife is one of the basic tasks of marriage. "Marriage means that you and I become allies, work together, become comrades and partners in each other's lives, and build a new world of our own.
Therefore, when necessary, it is necessary to separate from the original family in a timely and decisive manner, clearly delineate the boundaries of the new family, and ensure that both husband and wife can devote themselves to the new life together.
There is a deeply rooted quote that explains this beautifully: "The ideal marriage state is this: you leave your parents' house, I leave my parents' house, and together we create a new home for both of us." Instead of me leaving my own parents' house, going into your extended family and your parents' already existing family, and trying to fit in. ”
The sooner this core idea is understood, the sooner the couple will be able to reach a consensus and work together, which will make the marriage stronger and more happy.
02
When communicating with your partner, the first golden rule is that a deep understanding should precede any constructive advice.
Many couples inevitably encounter such problems in their daily lives:
Giving advice to a loved one with good intentions, but encountering the other person's impatience and reluctance to listen, sincerely hoping to help the other person solve the problem, but responding to the desire to be alone and unwilling to be disturbed.
Why is there such a situation where there is no positive feedback for seemingly well-intentioned people? There is a point in the book that explains this brilliantly:
"Before you come up with a solution, it's important that your partner really feels a deep understanding and empathy for the plight they're facing. Otherwise, the other person may think that you underestimate the importance of the problem or don't really care about the nature of the problem. ”
In fact, in many cases, what we crave is not a concrete solution, but emotional support that is understood, empathized, and accepted.
On the other hand, if you talk too much and give frequent suggestions, it is often counterproductive, making the other party feel that you don't really understand them, but are just blindly worrying, which leads to disgust.
Therefore, only by understanding deeply and then making suggestions can be deeply rooted in people's hearts, and only by first empathizing can the solutions offered be more easily accepted.
Understanding is like a healing medicine that soothes inner wounds, while empathy is a miracle painkiller that can help relieve painful feelings.
03
On the long road of marriage, friction and disputes between husband and wife are like the spice of life, which exists in almost every relationship without exception. Some couples are able to "quarrel at the end of the bed" and quickly turn the page after the conflict and continue to move forward hand in hand, while others are caught in the whirlpool of quarrels, obsessed with separating the winners and losers, and every confrontation seems to be tense.
Why is there such a difference? The key is their different perception of quarrels. Some couples understand that the problems in their married life are like a tidal wave and quarrels are inevitable, so they release their emotions in the midst of verbal swords, but they do not expect to solve all problems through quarrels, but only see them as a way to communicate emotionally.
However, another part of the couple tries to use a fierce argument to completely eradicate a certain problem, so that the other party will not repeat the same mistakes again. Their bickering is designed to force the other person to give in, admit mistakes, and make changes. But as one person of insight points out: "Most of the similar differences between husband and wife are rooted in fundamental differences in lifestyle, personality traits, or deep values, and arguing over these differences is futile and only erodes the foundation of the marriage." ”
In other words, the quarrel itself is not a beast, and the real horror is that we always hope to solve the problem through the quarrel and forcibly change the other party. In fact, moderate quarrels are like the trivialities of life between husband and wife, and its existence just shows that both parties still have the willingness and effort to communicate.
It is only when you understand this deeply that you can see the quarrels between husband and wife as an inevitable part of life, rather than an insurmountable chasm.
In this way, you will no longer have to worry about how to avoid quarrels and resolve differences, but learn to accept them and look for opportunities to improve understanding and grind in them.
04
In the delicate world of interpersonal communication, especially in the interaction of husband and wife, it is important to clearly express one's needs and expectations. The original statement can be polished like this:
When you fail to articulate your desires and conflicts, you may find yourself in a situation where you cannot meet your heart's desires.
This is common among many couples:
One party often expects the other party to understand its own needs, rather than expressing its heart, and when it asks, it is also subtle and tactful, trying to make the other party guess what is in mind.
However, the reality is that the other person is often difficult to figure out accurately, so they will not be able to give you the response you expect, which will eventually lead to your own emotional depression.
In this regard, the author profoundly points out:
"We need to learn to articulate our needs to the other person in an appropriate and direct way, and to ask them about their expectations in the same way, so that communication can flow smoothly. ”
After all, there are no telepathic roundworms between people.
Even if the words are clearly spoken, the other party may not be able to fully comprehend them, let alone those moments when they want to speak and stop and are unclear?
Sometimes, the problem is not that the lover is not considerate enough and does not understand our minds, but that we give too few clues and the intention to express is vague, which makes the other person at a loss.
Now that you have entered the palace of marriage, you should be honest and straightforward about what you want and what you don't want.
This is the firm stance that husband and wife should have, the embodiment of mutual trust and respect, and the secret of effectively reducing suspicion and conflict and promoting a harmonious life.
05
The key to lasting romantic intimacy is to be close to your spouse in all the little things of life.
The essence of the long-lasting preservation of romantic emotions in intimate relationships lies in the common proximity and participation in daily trivial life. Many people understand romance as a grand and ephemeral moment like a candlelit dinner, sparkling diamonds, and gorgeous roses.
However, there is much more to a true, deep, and enduring romance than that. It is condensed in one sentence: in the ordinary daily moments, always close to each other, and share every moment of life.
When your partner is busy cooking in the kitchen, you can get up and walk in to help with the cooking, instead of indulging in the world of your phone on the sofa alone;
When your loved one suffers from a cold and fever, you can take the initiative to measure her body temperature and go out to buy medicine, instead of just verbally reminding her to drink more water;
When the other half is depressed and depressed, you can considerately ask why, accompany them, and listen to their hearts, instead of choosing to ignore or ignore them.
These seemingly insignificant and simple actions, because of your active closeness, make the other party deeply feel that you care about each other, rather than drifting apart.
This is the most rustic and timeless expression of romance. Romance does not distinguish between morning and dusk, no matter the occasion, just to have a sincere heart of "no matter when and where, I am willing to spend with you".
06
In real-life intimate relationships, the daily interactions between couples are often filled with mutual accusations and dissatisfaction.
For example, you may complain about my poor bedtime hygiene habits, such as not brushing your teeth and washing your feet, while I can't stand your intolerable behavior of throwing things away and neglecting toilet seat hygiene. You complain that I don't do housework, I criticize you for being extravagant, you say I'm lazy, and I think you're not shrewd.
Although we all try to get the other person to correct through criticism and accusations, this approach often backfires and does not achieve the desired effect.
In the book, the author profoundly reveals a key point of human nature: "It is only when individuals feel loved and accepted by others that they are more willing to actively change their behavior." ”
This is because, when people feel that they are disliked and not appreciated, they will breed feelings of being scorned and attacked, which will stimulate self-protection mechanisms, become more stubborn, and even show their resilience and perseverance to the outside world in the form of "stubborn resistance".
So, how exactly should you guide your lover to make a change?
The answer in the book is: "Expressing gratitude and praise to your partner is an effective antidote to the poison of criticism and accusation." ”
If you want to change your love, blaming and criticizing is obviously ineffective, so try to replace it with praise and gratitude. Discover and praise the good things about him, and be grateful for all he has done for you. Perhaps, it is these warm recognitions and affirmations that can stimulate the positive motivation in their hearts, making them more willing to improve themselves for the sake of your common life and better meet your needs and expectations.
Write at the end
Marriage is not a multiple-choice or fill-in-the-blank question that can be easily answered, but a complex and profound comprehensive essay question that requires in-depth inquiry. There is no preset standard answer, no fixed solution mode, and no one-size-fits-all rule that can solve all the troubles and challenges in marriage at once.
However, there are some profound perspectives and unique perspectives that illuminate the way forward, helping us to understand the inner logic of marriage and its essential connotations, thereby refreshing our understanding of marriage and guiding us to adjust the course of our married life to a more harmonious and happy shore.
Marriage is known as the most important cultivation ground in life, let us practice in this field together, go hand in hand, make unremitting efforts, and jointly shape a better self.