"Ah, I'm going to be late!" With a scream, the eldest son jumped up from the bed and began to cry!
I can't tell you how many times, since I was in elementary school, this kind of napping, because I was worried about being late, and crying and crying "farce" was so frequent that I was about to have a heart attack.
Obviously, we are the closest to the whole school, obviously from getting up - going downstairs - walking into the school gate, at most 5 minutes, obviously I have called him in advance every day to reserve enough time to go to school, but such panicked things still happen repeatedly.
In addition to worrying about being late, there are many things in life that make my brother honestly afraid:
Worried about other people's negative comments, worried about failing in exams, worried about losing games, worried about things not doing well, worried about getting in touch with new friends and new things, and even when you see new foods that you haven't eaten, you will frown, afraid that you don't like the taste, and are not willing to try it......
Easy to panic, easy to be timid, easy to withdraw, do not like to try new things, always like to think about things in the bad way, and choose to cry or escape when encountering problems to cover up their inner uneasiness.
My brother's personality is like the mouse Xiaoli in this picture book:
I was puzzled for a while: why is my eldest son's personality so pessimistic, is it by nature, or is there something wrong with my upbringing?
are all babies born to the same mother, and the younger brother's personality is optimistic and cheerful, always smiling, even if he encounters something terrible, crying, turning around can find a way to comfort himself and make himself happy.
With the same parenting style, it can even be said that compared with my younger brother who grew up free-range, my brother and I spent more effort, but he was more pessimistic and negative. Why is that?
Later, a BBC documentary "The Truth of Character" solved my years of confusion.
pessimistic or optimistic,
Is the character innate?
In "The Truth of Character", the host Michael is a typical pessimist, nervous, anxious, worried, unable to perceive the happiness of the present, unable to let go of the past, always anxious about the future, habitual disastrous thinking tendencies, so that his life is always depressed.
Source丨Documentary "The Truth of Character"
In order to explore the root of his pessimistic personality, and also to find the key to change his personality. He finds Professor Elaine Fox, a neuroscientist at the University of Essex (one of the leading researchers in the science of optimistic personality), and through scientific instruments, he enters the mysterious palace of character truth.
Source丨Documentary "The Truth of Character"
By testing the level of electrical activity on both sides of the brain, it was found that Michael's right frontal area was nearly three times more active than the left one. In general, people with high levels of pessimism, neuroticism, and anxiety tendencies will have a higher level of activity in the right frontal cortex than on the left. It can be seen that Michael's pessimistic and anxious tendencies are very obvious.
In another "subliminal bias" test, Michael also paid significantly more attention to the "angry face" than the "smiling face".
Source丨Documentary "The Truth of Character"
Just looking at these two tests, it can already be found that Michael's personality has a stronger negative undertone, which is in line with the characteristics of a pessimist - he tends to focus on negative information, is more likely to be pessimistic, anxious, and sometimes neurotic.
And this layer of gloomy background determines the tone of his character, making him more panicked and uneasy when looking at the world.
At Professor Ros Picard, Michael also experienced the "Mood Bracelet" test, a device that captures the sensitivity of the skin and detects mood swings that are difficult for him to detect.
In the test results, the two curves with higher values belong to Michael, and the two curves with lower values belong to Professor Ross丨The documentary "The Truth of Character"
As you can see from the chart, pessimists have higher levels of arousal, greater mood swings, and are more likely to be nervous about socializing.
Source丨Documentary "The Truth of Character"
The two experiments allowed Michael to finally clear the fog, and it turned out that the chronic insomnia that had plagued him for more than 20 years was actually the "high anxiety awakening" caused by the congenital pessimistic personality gene, which made his brain in a state of tension all the time.
Source丨Documentary "The Truth of Character"
This explains why some children are more sensitive, irritable, difficult to carry, and always worry about something bad happening.
Dr. Elaine Aron, an American psychologist, has also pointed out that there is a group of people who are born with keen senses. "This sensitivity is not a disease, it is not an obstacle, it is purely an innate trait. ”[1]
Elaine N. Aron: "In this world, 15%-20% of people are highly sensitive, that is, 1 in 5 people are sensitive inside. ”[1]
This characteristic of being alert to all things is also a unique ability.
They have greater insight and awareness, so the brain processes information with more depth and precision than the average person. Being good at capturing the minutiae of life also gives them a more emotional and extraordinary creativity.
Many masters of art have similar personality traits because they are more emotionally granular and more able to calm down and talk to themselves.
Just like Michael in the documentary, it is this sensitivity to emotional details and the spirit of in-depth exploration of things that have made him a producer and host of the BBC health program for many years, and he has made great achievements in his work.
So, if you happen to be raising a child who is prone to gains and losses, don't be nervous, because the reverse side of the coin also shines.
HEREDITY VS. environment
Who has more influence on personality?
At St Thomas' Hospital in London, Michael met Professor Tim, who had long been studying identical twins.
In his research, he found that identical twins who were born with the same DNA also had significantly different genes in the hippocampus.
Source丨Documentary "The Truth of Character"
With the same DNA and the same nurturing environment, children who grow up may be very different in personality.
Genes are not static throughout a person's life:
Source丨Documentary "The Truth of Character"
As you age, you work, get married, have children, and your life begins to take a different path. Differences in environment, lifestyle, and experience have led to new changes in the activity of genes.
Some genes are activated, some are turned off. This also means that we can change our lives through nurturing.
Source丨Documentary "The Truth of Character"
The guidance of love,
Personality biases can be corrected
But what kind of parenting can better help children build a good character?
Martin Seligman, the "father of positive psychology", pointed out in the book "Teaching Optimistic Children" that the basis of optimistic personality development is to improve the "explaining style" when children encounter problems.
The so-called explanatory style is your view of the reason for something. How you look at a problem determines whether you are an optimistic person or a pessimistic person. [2]
Pessimists are accustomed to interpreting "bad things" as "permanent, universal, and related to themselves." Instead, "good deeds" are interpreted as "temporary, specific, and related to the outside world." For example:
Lost the game: I've always been so unlucky (permanent), always bad (universal), I'm too useless (ego problem).
Won the game: one and a half times (temporary), took shit luck (specific), just happened to have few people participating in the game (external problems).
But optimists, on the contrary, are always habitually optimistic, thinking about the good and the good for the better. "It's okay to lose once in a while", "I'm always so lucky to have good luck. ”
Those who are sunny have light in their hearts and are not afraid of wind and rain.
A person who is habitually pessimistic may "turn sadness into joy" if he can change the style of interpretation. This is what previous scientists have discovered: the brain is plastic, and the environment can change genes. And this environment is the family atmosphere and parenting style from an early age.
Source: Internet
Although personality is influenced by genes, every parent has the magic of genetically altering it.
As the saying goes, "three years old looks big, seven years old looks old", in fact, it looks at how parents "raise" before the age of 3 and how to "teach" after the age of 7.
Therefore, what parents need to do is to teach their children who are born "pessimistic" and refute pessimism.
Martin Seligman gives ways to guide children to fight pessimism and form optimistic thinking:
First of all, you need to gather evidence and force yourself to consider the possibilities of both sides. (Reduction of cognitive biases)
Second, make a choice and see if there is an alternative path to take (analyze the current situation)
Third, identify the crux of the problem and defuse the disaster, that is, correctly assess the impact. (Finding a solution)
Fourth, put your energy into the most likely scenario and solve it. (Focus on the present)
In "The Truth of Character", another professor, Michael Meaney, through more than ten years of research, has also proved that differences in childhood parenting styles can change genes:
Children who receive more love from their mothers in childhood have a stronger inner buffer and a more peaceful heart when they are stressed and hurt in adulthood, and it is easier to shape an optimistic and upbeat character.
Source丨Documentary "The Truth of Character"
A positive and optimistic life is not only based on genetics, but also on the nurturing environment and guidance of the day after tomorrow. The role of parents is to be like gardeners, to care for them with love, to guide them correctly, and to believe that each seed will eventually thrive and grow towards the sun.
The annoying story at the beginning has a warm ending-
After school that afternoon, my brother took the initiative to take the WeChat in the tablet and sent me a voice:
After listening to it, I was a little teary-eyed. The power of love and companionship will make the stubborn stone bloom.
Do you believe it? I do.
Because I see a change in love.
Editor丨Antelope, an observer of human cubs.
Title Picture丨Picture Worm Creativity
References丨
[1] "High Sensitivity is a Talent" (Denmark), Ils Sander, Purple Picture Books, Beijing United Publishing Co., Ltd., 2017.09
[2] "Teaching Optimistic Children: A Lifelong Happiness Classic", by Martin Seligman, Karen Lewicz, Lisa Jacox, Jane Gillam, Zhanlu Culture, Beijing United Publishing Company, 2017.05
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