Don't beat it so hard, just a few light hits......
This kid is so angry with me that I have to give a few beatings......
There is a parenting number that says that moderate corporal punishment can promote children's growth......
In the past, "filial piety under the stick" was the mainstream of parenting, and after a while, everyone began to practice "beating children is a crime", and now there is a wind of "rational beating of babies helps education......
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For questions such as "whether you can be beaten", "how to beat", "how often to beat", "what is the impact of beating", not only parents are distressed, education experts have headaches, and researchers also have a lot of controversies and disagreements.
But here, the author wants to make it clear that rational beating of the baby is a false proposition, improving self-control and timely remedy is the last word, as a parent should avoid beating the baby as much as possible. Today, April 30, is said to be the "International Day of Don't Beat Children", so let's talk about why you shouldn't beat your child and how to remedy it if you accidentally beat your baby.
The consequences of beating the baby
How serious is it?
Some parents and education experts may hold the view that corporal punishment is out of responsibility and love for children, and it is hoped that children will take fewer detours and avoid going astray, so as long as corporal punishment is not out of anger and emotional venting, but based on education and guidance, and beaten calmly and rationally, it is not a big problem. But this thinking is wrong.
On the one hand, this would backfire, as researchers at the University of Texas at Austin in the United States published in The Lancet have shown that corporal punishment is not effective in preventing behavioural problems in children, nor does it produce any positive results.
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On the other hand, we also have to think deeply, how many parents will choose to "beat the baby" when they are emotionally stable and still sane? Is it fun to beat their children? Or is it good for children to cry? Which time is it not emotional and angry that they get out of control and start beating?
Corporal punishment is indeed not the same as domestic violence, the starting point of corporal punishment is guidance, education, and responsibility, while the starting point of domestic violence is venting for no reason, uncontrolled venting, and intensifying venting. However, in terms of their negative effects on children's brains, there is not much difference between the two.
The Harvard study revealed a shocking truth: even minor forms of corporal punishment, such as "spanking," can trigger in a child's brain a pattern of reaction that is very similar to that of a child who has been severely abused, such as being severely beaten.
Therefore, we must recognize that whether it is calm corporal punishment or uncontrolled violent beating, it is essentially a harm to the child. Just as soft hair can hurt fingers, and brittle paper can cut through the skin, any form of corporal punishment can bring irreversible trauma to children, and parents should avoid corporal punishment as much as possible.
Uncontrollable
What do you do when it's time to start?
If you want to move away from corporal punishment as a form of discipline, you need to prepare some simple but effective response strategies in advance. In this way, in a conflict situation where anger has exploded and our reason is almost broken, we will not feel helpless and have no choice, let alone "beat the baby" as the only way to get everything done.
1. Set the warning signal
When emotions are out of control and impulsiveness is attacking, warning signs set in advance can effectively remind us to come to our senses and avoid excessive behavior. This signal can be a simple sound, an obvious action, or a specific visual cue. For example, lock the commonly used or handy tools into the cabinet, and paste warnings such as "beating the baby will damage IQ, hurt memory, and lower grades" to remind you of the consequences of violence.
In addition, you can agree with your child on the language of self-preservation. When your child senses that we are emotional, ask them to remind us loudly: "Mom, Dad, I feel like you're angry right now, can we calm down and talk about it first?" or "I know I'm doing something wrong, but please don't hit it, we can find a better way together." "This not only provides a safe exit for our children, but also provides us with a buffer opportunity to re-examine our emotions and avoid impulsiveness.
2. Select Pause Momentarily
When you're emotionally charged with your child and the warning signs can't stop you from losing control, it's wise to drop everything and get out of the "battlefield" right away. It's not about running away, it's about creating a space for yourself to calm down and solve problems gently, rationally, and constructively.
The pause can be 5 minutes or 5 hours, but it's important to get back to face the problem with your child. If you still have a shred of sanity before leaving, you might as well shout to your child: "I'm angry now, I need to leave to calm down and talk about this later!"
If your sanity can only maintain your own decision to leave, you may wish to make an appointment and vaccination with your child in advance: "If I suddenly walk away when I am angry, it is not that I don't want you, it is not that I don't love you, I just need to go out and calm down, I will come back, and then discuss and solve the problem with you!" Such an agreement and arrangement can make your child understand your behavior and reduce their sense of anxiety (for example, lest your child think that you are looking for a good guy...... ）。
Remember, taking a break is to come back better, to be in a better position to face your children and cope with problems.
I didn't control it
What should I do if I really beat up my child?
The harm has already occurred, and it is useless for parents to blindly indulge in self-blame and shame, only to punish themselves in disguise, but not to stand up and bear the consequences. This not only hurt the child, but also stabbed himself, and fell into a lose-lose stalemate.
1. A sincere apology is always the first step
If you want your child to be responsible and responsible, then the consequences you need to bear after your child hits someone is to apologize to the other party and make up for your mistakes. In the same way, if a parent beats a child uncontrollably, the first step to do is always to sincerely apologize and minimize the damage. Studies have shown that parents' apologies can alleviate children's negative emotions, such as fear and sadness, while enhancing children's sense of security and trust.
At the same time, parents' apologetic behavior plays an important role in establishing and maintaining a secure attachment relationship between parents and children. According to research, parents show empathy and a perception of mistakes by apologizing, and this expression not only conveys their feelings of guilt, but further deepens the secure attachment between parents and children.
2. Making up for mistakes is not an exaggeration
Because parents feel deeply remorseful and worry that their out-of-control behavior will bring irreparable harm to their children, they sometimes exaggerate their favor after a beating, and then promise and reward after a scolding. This capricious pattern of behavior can confuse and upset children.
Short-term comforting gestures such as exaggerated overtures and promises and rewards may make the child forget the pain for a while, but the problem itself does not solve it. In the long run, this may lead to a child's dependence on external rewards and recognition, and a lack of inner motivation and self-confidence.
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To truly make up for mistakes, it is to introspect and correct, find out the key to let yourself lose control, and then change and deal with it in a targeted manner. Here, you can try the Downward Arrow Technique, a simple psychological intervention technique, to understand what your underlying worries are that you are not clear about, and to dig into the lowest beliefs in order to identify and challenge your core beliefs. It's as simple as asking yourself: what does this mean?
For example:
Ask: "I'm angry that my child hit someone, so what does that mean for me?"
Answer: "It means that he has not learned to respect others and has not learned to solve problems in a more appropriate way." ”
Ask: "What does it mean if a child doesn't learn to respect others and solve problems?"
Answer: "It means that I have not educated my children well, and I have not fulfilled my responsibilities as a parent." ”
Ask: "What does it mean that I am not fulfilling my responsibilities as a parent?"
Answer: "It means that others will look down on me and I am a failure." ”
Ask, "Does it mean that other people really think this way? Did they tell me that?"
Answer: "Not sure, there is no evidence to prove it." ”
Ask: "Does this mean that I may be tormenting myself over something that is illusory?"
Answer: "It seems to be really ......."
Children are like a small tree with majestic vitality, as long as they are given enough space and nutrients, they can thrive and show their endless potential and vitality. But at the same time, the child is also a fragile and fragile seedling, which can withstand the wind and rain and show perseverance, but it may not be able to resist wanton thrashing and felling. There are many ways to solve the problem, but scolding is the worst option.
Try to treat your children with a growth mindset, give them the space and opportunity to try and make mistakes, and wait for the flowers to bloom, and also try to look at yourself with a growth mindset, because being a parent is a kind of learning, you can't be too slow, but you don't have to be perfect, patiently practice and refine the skills of parenting, every time you make a little progress, there will be a little more beautiful parent-child life.
bibliography
[1] University of New Hampshire,College students more likely to be lawbreakers if spanked as children, ScienceDaily.
[2] Straus, Murray A. and Mallie J. Paschall. Corporal Punishment by Mothers and Development of Children's Cognitive Ability: A Longitudinal Study of Two Nationally Representative Age Cohorts. Journal of Aggression Maltreatment & Trauma, 2009; 18 (5): 459 DOI: 10.1080/10926770903035168
[3]https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/nov/05/spanking-children-makes-them-more-aggressive-us-pediatricians-body-says
[4] Fund, U.. (2015). Hidden in plain sight: A statistical analysis of violence against children | UNICEF
https://www.unicef.org/documents/hidden-plain-sight-statistical-analysis-violence-against-children.
[5] Cuartas, J. , Weissman, D. G. , Sheridan, M. A. , Lengua, L. , & Mclaughlin, K. A. . (2021). Corporal punishment and elevated neural response to threat in children. Child Development.
[6] Parental Apologies, Empathy, Shame, Guilt, and Attachment: A Path Analysis - Ruckstaetter - 2017 - Journal of Counseling & Development - Wiley Online Library
[7] Investigating the relationships between unfaithful parent’s apologies, adult children’s third-party forgiveness, and communication of forgiveness following parental infidelity - Allison R. Thorson, 2019 (sagepub.com)
[8] Zhu Fangyi, Understanding Children's Emotions, Beijing: CITIC Publishing Group, 2020.
[9] Kimberly Blaine, You Are a Child's Best Toy, Hainan: Southern Press, 2020.
[10] Lisa S. M. Nadyavicz, Out of Trauma and Addiction, Beijing: China Machine Press, 2020
Planning and production
Author: Su Jing is a national second-level psychological counselor
Review丨Xin Zhang, Associate Professor, School of Psychology and Cognitive Sciences, Peking University
Planning丨Ding Kun
Editor丨Ding Kun
Proofreading丨Xu Lai Lin Lin