Are you a very emotional person in life?
In life, joy, anger and sorrow are randomly switched, laughing heartily one second, and sullen the next.
Just like the complaints of many netizens, it is quite normal during the day, but I emo late at night, and I can't help but shed tears.
At work, he is very sensitive to people and things, and he is always nervous about the actions of the outside world.
When others praise them, they are complacent, and when they hear criticism, they are immediately discouraged.
As psychologist Lin Wencai said:
"People are always involuntarily troubled by all kinds of emotions, and many times, our body is like a garbage can, stuffed with emotional garbage. ”
As a counselor, Lin Wencai has received too many people who are "defeated by emotions".
Some people have abandoned their studies due to severe depression, some have suffered from serious illnesses due to perennial depression, and some have tragedies caused by uncontrollable emotions.
She wrote about these experiences, as well as the process of healing others, into a small book called "Emotional Healing".
Throughout the book, the author does not let people avoid their feelings and rudely quit their emotions, but guides everyone on how to save themselves.
Life is always troublesome, and if you are at the mercy of emotions, people will inevitably be constantly consumed in various entanglements, so that the heart becomes scarce.
The author said: If you want to be happy, you must empty your negative emotions in time and replenish your psychological nutrition.
And the best way to nourish yourself is to have a thorough emotional healing.
1
Emotions are an active volcano with a huge amount of energy
In the book, the author begins with the case of a boy.
This child is very angry and has a strong tendency to violence.
At school, they often fight with their classmates when they disagree, causing a lot of trouble for parents.
My father beat and scolded, and the school issued a warning to drop out, but to no avail.
What's even more out of the ordinary is that the boy actually ran away from home after being criticized one day.
He has never set foot in society, he began to work around, suffered a lot, and was bullied several times.
Even so, the boy was reluctant to go home and was out with all his energy.
Later, the mother went to great lengths to find the boy and took him to Lin Wencai's treatment room.
During the treatment, talking about the pressure of studying and the discipline of his parents, the boy lost his temper more than once.
When he was most excited, he did not hesitate to beat himself with his fists and yell at others.
The parents are very puzzled, even if this child is short-tempered, but where does he get so ruthless, he is not afraid of his parents' coldness, he is not afraid of school expulsion, and he can even ignore his own safety?
From a psychological point of view, the author says that when people are angry, they are completely irrational.
The happy moments and good memories of the past are completely invalid at this moment, and the consideration of the consequences is also gone at this moment.
The author talks about this case to tell you:
Anger, irritability, depression, pain, hatred are not just feelings, but a great energy.
Once it cannot be harnessed, this energy will be like a volcanic eruption, indiscriminately harming oneself and others.
Nietzsche said in "The Other Side of Good and Evil":
"If your emotions are always out of control, you will be led by your emotions and lose your freedom. ”
Jealousy is unrecognizable, fear is a missed opportunity, anger is irrational, and depression is a source of despair......
Many times, when we encounter misfortune, it is not because fate is deliberately embarrassed or that others are deliberately harmful.
It's that emotions are anti-guest in life, manipulating and destroying us like puppets.
2
Emotions are like tigers, and people cannot sit still
Emotions are raging, can we just sit back and wait?
Of course not.
In Emotional Healing, the author details ways to release emotions.
When we are in a bad mood, we can speak, write, draw, or sing and go outdoors to climb the mountain.
In an emergency, you can even use the "SOS method" – to quickly evacuate the uncomfortable scene.
After calming down, go back and face it again, and many problems can be solved.
If that doesn't calm you down, the next step is to find the source of your emotions.
Just as the author said, if you don't cut off the torrent of emotions from the source, no amount of self-help will help.
And this source, in her opinion, is the original family that everyone can't choose and is difficult to change.
Just like the cases described in the book.
A teenager who has never been affirmed by his parents, has always lived in inferiority, trying to please others but always falling into despair;
A girl who has been wronged by her parents has been proving her innocence all her life, she is afraid of making mistakes in everything she does, and she is used to looking at people's faces;
And the boy who was abandoned by his parents and grew up in an orphanage, living a tense and screwed life in a life of insecurity.
The author has a very incisive sentence:
"The deep emotions that remain in the family of origin are the words we didn't say to our parents and the sadness or anger that we didn't resolve when we were growing up. ”
For example, they have been questioned, abused, and treated unfairly by their parents;
For example, you crave companionship, understanding, and unconditional love, but never get it.
These ties to the original family are the source of many emotions when I grow up.
Psychologist Carl Jung said:
In everyone's heart, there is an inner child, he is the unhealed wound of our childhood, every critical moment, it will run out, babble in your head, and keep making trouble.
Seeing this, are you desperate?
But, my dear, don't be sad.
Time moves forward, and everything from the past is reminisced.
You won't stay where you are, you'll definitely grow up.
As adults, we are more than capable of healing all the wounds.
3
Be your own parents and raise yourself again
While reading the book, there was another story that impressed me deeply.
There was a man who had an extremely tragic past due to family changes when he was a child.
At that time, his father failed in business and owed huge debts, which put the whole family in a desperate situation.
Since then, his father has been in a slump, and his mother has complained even more that his parents are not in the mood and have no ability to raise him well.
He dropped out of school early, and at his worst, he even lived on the streets, unable to even eat a full meal.
Living in such a depressing and impoverished environment, he slowly became inferior and sensitive, and short-tempered.
However, when he was eighteen years old, he suddenly had an idea that what his parents couldn't give, he had to make up for it by himself.
From that year on, he began to work around and work hard to make money, so that he was no longer overstretched.
He learned to take care of himself, and told himself to be well fed, clothed, and healthy.
After getting to know the author, he often went to psychological counseling to heal the trauma of his childhood.
Gradually, he became more cheerful, no longer anxious about a small thing, and no longer panicked by sudden changes.
He lived a stable and peaceful life, reversing the existential predicament on his own.
The author says: "When parents are not good enough, we are not necessarily an emotional person. Because what we can do is to be a good father and mother for ourselves, and give ourselves enough psychological nutrition. ”
The book puts forward the idea that everyone has a full nature and can fill the black hole in their heart with their own strength.
I have summarized these five methods and shared them with you.
One, to awaken the power of love.
Even if you grow up in an environment that lacks love, you can be your own parents and love yourself again.
It's like a kind of "script killing" where you play the role of a loving father, a gentle mother, and yourself at the same time.
You encourage yourself to find hobbies, do things you like, and meet people you like.
You accept yourself unconditionally and don't skimp on praise for yourself.
You are completely tolerant of yourself, do not blame yourself for doing something wrong, and don't be afraid of getting into trouble.
Learning to love yourself is the best nourishment for yourself.
2. Strengthen the connection with people.
In the book, the author gives an emotional iceberg diagram.
Our words and actions are just the tip of the iceberg, and our emotions and feelings are hidden in the vast mountain.
The authors suggest "consistent communication" when we interact with people.
To put it simply, it is to be consistent and express yourself sincerely.
"Say whatever you think in your heart", don't hide your emotions, don't fake your feelings.
When you start to be your own supporter, live with your head held high.
In this way, we can play the role of connecting with people and get understanding and help from the outside world.
3. Establish a sense of worth.
Why are more and more people depressed?
The author analyzes in the book that the root cause is that he has been suppressed by his parents for a long time and has never felt his own value.
By doing the opposite, recognising our talents and working on our strengths, we can regain our self-confidence.
From today onwards, do the little things you are good at.
If you like to cook, you study delicious dishes, and if you are good at storage, you can clean your home spotlessly......
Please believe that you will be able to find your own specialty and use it to realize your self-worth.
Don't forget, treat yourself to your parents after everything you do, just like you expected when you were a kid.
Fourth, regain a sense of security.
The book says that the most effective way to feel safe is to do what you are afraid of.
There's a metaphor that's very graphic.
You are afraid of the monster outside the door, and you are full of fear inside, but when you are brave enough to open the door, you will find that there is nothing.
Every time a person does something "fearful", his sense of security increases by one point.
You are afraid of communicating with people, but after contact with people again and again, social fear will be weakened;
You are afraid of failure and frustration, but after trying again and again, you will be more resilient inside.
When I was a child, I felt a sense of security from my family, but when I grew up, I had to give it to myself.
Fifth, find yourself.
Give yourself a hint: "I know I have a choice." ”
You can't choose a family, but you can choose an adult partner and reorganize your family;
You can't change your parents, but you can choose to forgive or stay away from it, so that you can get rid of the hurt;
You can't achieve your dreams, but you can choose to settle for the next best thing and stop putting pressure on yourself.
And the premise of all this is that we realize that we are independent people.
"Self" is the last straw, and only those who find themselves can save themselves.
Teacher Luo Xiang said:
"Please be sure to save yourself from the fire and water in the world again and again, again and again, three times without inexhaustibility, thousands of times. ”
A life is very long, and it is ourselves who accompany us from beginning to end, and it can only be ourselves who has redeemed us thousands of times.
As long as we don't give up, even if we fall into a desperate situation, we can let ourselves survive in a desperate situation.
There has never been a savior in this world, and the last hope is precisely the invincible self.
▽
There is a discussion on the Internet: what kind of people are the most attractive?
One great answer:
Those who have a sense of stability and order in them are the most attractive.
In a chaotic world, they have a stable daily life, stable hobbies, stable values, and stable emotions.
They have an endogenous anchor, and no one or anything can control them.
Such people are like trees that cannot be destroyed by wind and rain, nor can they be provoked by the scorching sun, nor disturbed by small insects flying around.
And this external calmness is inseparable from inner peace.
In fact, everyone faces their own existential dilemma.
Maybe it was because my childhood was not happy enough, maybe I suffered too many ups and downs, or maybe I was never treated well......
But with 30 years of research, Professor Lin Wencai is very sure to tell everyone:
"If you can nourish yourself, encourage yourself, and affirm yourself, one day you will become a person who can control and manage your emotions. ”
It is instinct to generate emotions, and it is the ability to heal emotions.
At all times, believe that you have the energy and the means to make yourself happy.
Give it a thumbs up and encourage your friends.
Author: Insight Jin Shanyue