My name is Wang Honglei and I am 35 years old.
Last Wednesday was my dad's funeral, and I was standing under the gray sky, and muffled cries rang out all around me, but I noticed that there were no tears in my mother's eyes.
The people around her began to whisper, some said that she was cold-blooded, some said that she was finally free.
I just felt an indescribable emptiness and confusion in my heart, why didn't my mother cry?
01
After the funeral, I went back to my parents' house, a place full of childhood memories.
My father, Zhang Wei, is a retired factory worker, and his temper is always very bad, especially for my mother.
Punching, kicking, verbal abuse are the norm in our family, and he often lashes out at his mother over small things, and his mother always seems to choose to be patient.
The reason why relatives would say that after my dad died, my mom was relieved was precisely for this reason.
Mom sat on the old couch, quietly looking out the window, the deep silence suffocated me, so I decided to go to Dad's room to sort out his belongings, maybe find some clues to explain Mom's reaction today.
When I opened the door, which had been closed all year round, a wave of stale air came to my face.
The room was full of miscellaneous items, but my eyes were quickly drawn to a locked drawer, and an inexplicable nervousness welled up in my heart, and I found the key to open it, which contained several old diaries and some envelopes.
I picked up a diary and turned the first page, and I was greeted by my father's familiar and unfamiliar handwriting......
The moment I opened the diary, my heart raced, and on the first page of the diary, my father wrote: "This diary is just to confide in those weaknesses and pains that I can't show to outsiders." ”
This sentence made me stunned, I never thought that my father would have such a side, and as I turned the pages, I gradually uncovered the complex world of my father's heart.
He has mentioned his childhood many times, which was an environment of harshness and scolding.
These experiences seem to have deeply affected him, making him an easily angry person, and his words reveal disgust and helplessness for this character, and he also tries to change, but always in vain.
One of the entries reads: "Today I shouted at Fang again, and when I saw her hurt eyes, I wished I was being punished, I didn't know how to control my anger, but I loved her in my bones." ”
I closed my diary, filled with confusion and sympathy.
I never really understood my dad and never saw him on this side, so I decided to talk to my mom about the findings and see if she would be willing to share more stories about their relationship.
When I walked into the living room, I saw my mother still sitting by the window, she looked more fragile than usual, and I sat softly next to her, still holding my father's diary in my hand.
I asked tentatively, "Mom, I found some of his diaries in Dad's room, do you know that he keeps diaries?"
Mom was silent for a moment, then nodded lightly and said, "I know, he sometimes writes things on those saddest days. He didn't want anyone to see his vulnerability, not even me. ”
This conversation opens up a topic we've never set foot in before – Dad's inner world.
Slowly, even hesitantly, my mother began to reveal more stories between them to me, and every detail was like a puzzle, gradually piecing together a picture of a family that was different from what I knew.
She told me that despite his father's frequent tantrums, he also had his pain and struggles, which was one of the reasons why she chose to stay with him.
"Your dad is actually in pain, Leilei. Mom's voice was deep and powerful, "He often blames himself and cries late at night, he doesn't want to do that to me, but he doesn't know how to stop." ”
It struck me that Dad had always been a strong and even somewhat cold person in my eyes.
Hearing my mom say this, I realized that Dad's mood swings were not just a temper problem, but a deeper psychological struggle.
"Then why don't you ever tell me, Mom?" my voice was reproachful and confused.
Mom sighed, a flash of sadness in her eyes and said, "Because I don't want you to be prejudiced against your father, he did his best, and he doesn't want you to see his weaknesses." ”
As we were immersed in the revelations, Mom suddenly stood up, walked to her bedroom, and pulled out an old box full of letters and photographs.
She handed it to me and said, "This is a letter from your father, written after he had an emotional breakdown, and he never had the courage to give it to me personally." ”
When I opened the box, I saw dense handwriting, which was my father's unspoken love and apology to my mother, and at the end of each letter, he repeated his love and gratitude to my mother, as well as apologies for his actions.
These letters were like a breakthrough that completely changed the way I thought about my father.
Just when I thought that my parents seemed to be incompatible but actually loved each other, my mother's emotions suddenly collapsed.
Her tears flowed silently, and then she was shocked to reveal to me a secret that had been hidden for a long time—about my true origins.
02
"Leilei, I never had the courage to tell you, but now I think you should know the truth......" Mom's voice trembled and staccato off.
"At that time, I had a sweetheart, and we loved each other deeply. Mom said slowly, with an unhealed pain in her voice.
"But your father showed up, and his family was much better, and when my mother's family found out about his family background, they insisted that I marry him. ”
I listened to the mixed emotions welling up in my heart, and my mother's expression was full of helplessness and struggle, which I had never seen before.
"But I didn't know I was pregnant with you at the time, so your nominal father wasn't really your biological father. Mom's voice almost turned into a whisper, and every word was filled with weight.
Mom's trembling voice continued: "I can't resist the family's arrangement, and in the end I married your father, and I don't want to hide it from him, maybe that's the real reason why he spoke ill of me!"
This revelation was like a bolt from the blue, and the pain and sacrifice of my mother was beyond my imagination, she not only gave up her love, but also kept such a huge secret, and this secret is mine.
My voice was choked and my eyes were moist, and I said, "Mom, all this must be hard for you. ”
My mother looked at me with a mixture of love and pain in her eyes. "Yes, it's hard to keep a secret and endure injustice, but I have never regretted giving birth to you, and despite all the complicated things, it was you who gave me the courage to persevere. ”
The mother then began to elaborate on her relationship with her father and why, despite his constant anger at her, she never seemed to be truly disappointed or sad.
03
"I've never really loved your father, Leilei. Mom's voice was calm and firm, and her eyes revealed a faint kind of endurance and acceptance.
"When I was forced to marry him, I already knew in my heart that my love was over, and that your father's temper and his attitude towards me, although it pained me, I never expected him to give me any happiness. ”
Such a confession shook me, and I began to understand that my mother's patience with my father in those years was not out of love, but out of helplessness and responsibility, especially for me.
"This arranged marriage has taken a toll on all of us. Mom continued: "Not only did it bind me, but it also affected you, and you may have a distorted understanding of love as you look at our marriage. ”
Yes, I grew up with countless fights and discords, and my parents' relationship did make me suspicious of love and marriage, and now listening to my mother say that, I realize the root of this negative impact.
"But now we can choose a different path, Leilei. My mother grabbed my hand and said to me with a smile, "We can free ourselves from these pains and build our own happiness." ”
My initial estrangement from my mother began with pain and sacrifice, but eventually led to understanding and hope.
After all, the deceased is gone, but I don't know if my father is disappointed in my mother because of my existence, or desperate because my mother never loved him.
Note: This story is purely fictional, the names and events in the story are fictional, and the purpose of using place names is only for the purpose of describing the plot and making it easy to read and understand
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