Saying the most ruthless words, but doing the most soft-hearted things, this may be the current situation of parental contradictions.
A mother told me that raising a child made her "split personality". Children do ink and go out to school every day, which is an abrasive "tear".
"Baby, let's move faster today and try to get to school on time, okay?"
"Hurry up, hurry up, don't grind, there's no time!"
"XXX, are you deaf or dumb?!tell you to hurry up, can't you hear?"
"XXX, if you're late again today, see how I'll clean you up when I come back at night!!"
……
From gentle to hysterical, it doesn't take a few seconds before and after.
The mother said that when the temper came, it was really difficult to control herself, and she was very distressed and regretful when she saw her child being scolded and crying, or being scolded and trembling.
Psychologist Rosenthal pointed out that children will eventually live as we describe them.
A parent's inadvertent word may affect a child's life. Learning to talk well to your children and being an emotionally stable parent is the biggest lesson in your life as a parent and the greatest gospel in your child's life.
Parents hide their children's lives in their mouths, and some words would rather rot in the stomach than be said to their children easily.
01
Replace "no" with "want"
Psychology has a "white bear effect", from an experiment by Daniel Wegener, a social psychologist at Harvard University in the United States.
He asked participants who had been frightened or injured by a white bear not to recall the injury or think about the bear, and found that all the attention of the subjects was focused on it.
Experiments have proved that when we are asked not to think or do something, our attention has successfully "rooted" in that matter.
In the same way, when educating children, parents must have discovered that our children are always "against us", and the more you say "no" to your children, the more they will unswervingly explore.
He was not allowed to cry, but the child wailed and cried;
Children are not allowed to eat sugar, and children are more eager to eat sugar;
Children are not allowed to touch certain objects, and children will still explore quietly......
Parents are accustomed to classifying their children's behavior as "rebellious" or "unwell-behaved", but they never think about whether they can change the way of communication.
Put away "no" and change it to "want", give the child clear instructions, and the child will understand it more perceptually.
For example, if your child is loud in public, instead of scolding him "stop yelling", he pulls him to his side and tells him: "You have to be quiet, which is a sign of politeness." ”
Teaching children to abide by the rules is never a "restriction" by external forces, so that children understand the correct way to do things, and recognize them from the heart, will cultivate children to become a person who really knows how to do things in a measured manner.
02
Replace "negative consequences" with "positive expectations"
If the child is disobedient, then "coax and beat". In Chinese-style education, parents are accustomed to using majesty to establish prestige and intimidation as education.
If you don't obey, you're a bad boy;
If you don't eat vegetables, you won't grow tall;
If you don't study hard, you will pick up the rags when you grow up......
It is true that parents want their children to understand the cruelest truth through the experience of the past, but these rumors have become a nightmare for their children.
As Dr. Jane Nelson, founder of Positive Discipline, put it:
"Where do we get the absurd notion that if we want to make a child better, we should make him feel worse?"
Conversely, when a child feels bad, things will go bad. This is exactly what fits the "Aronson effect" in psychology: attitudes become more negative as rewards decrease, and attitudes become more positive as rewards increase.
In the process of educating their children, parents may wish to change the "negative consequences" to "positive expectations", for example, you can say to your child:
"Eat more vegetables and you'll be tall and strong like Popeye. ”
"If you study hard, you will go farther, meet more interesting people, and encounter more interesting things. ”
……
With the encouragement and expectation of parents, children will work hard in the direction of excellence.
Parents' expectations are the driving force for children's growth.
03
Change "Command" to "Select"
In the face of the child's unsatisfactory performance, parents are accustomed to overriding the child, taking the identity of an adult to "order", and forcing the child to obey.
If the child does not obey when he is young, crying and making trouble will become commonplace;
When children grow older, their sense of independence continues to increase, and when they have their own ideas, they will gradually go against their parents, or clash head-on, or on the surface and behind the scenes.
The worst role of parents is to act as the "commander" of their children.
For example, if you want your child to turn off the TV, then you might suggest: Let's go for a walk outside or go shopping at the supermarket?
Equal, respectful, and selective communication methods will make children feel respected, so they can seriously consider their parents' suggestions, choose alternative ways, and accept them happily.
04
Replace "immediate prohibition" with "advance agreement"
"Go home now!"
"Turn off the TV immediately!"
"Put your phone away!"
When parents want their children to stop one thing at the moment, the child is often unhappy because he is in the middle of the period: wait a little longer, it will be fine immediately, and he will ......
Since then, it has entered the war of time pulling, the patience of parents is worn out in waiting, and the child's interest is reluctant to give up in the urging, and the result is anger.
To give children a little time buffer and a little psychological buffer, parents may wish to change "immediately prohibited" to "agreed in advance":
"Turn off the TV after watching it for another 10 minutes, I'll turn off the alarm clock and turn it off as soon as the bell rings~"
Communicate well, the child is actually a good keeper, and reaching an agreement will let the child take the initiative to fulfill the contract.
In fact, the time of pulling and buffering are still those times, and in another way, they can more happily accept and execute each other.
05、
Parents should never underestimate the damage they have done to their children, nor should they overestimate their children's ability to heal wounds.
Most of the psychological problems of many children in adulthood come from the language injury of the family of origin. Don't wait until your child completely refuses to communicate and your parents regret it.
Speaking is an art, and it is reflected in education, which is the wisdom of communication.
Excellent parents with a zipper on their mouths.
Some words would rather rot in the stomach than be said to the child easily.
I am Nuo Ma, I have a male treasure at home, and I am committed to parent-child growth research and provide valuable parenting dry goods for parents!