For a long time, our education has been focusing on "Peiyou", and almost all of them are paying attention to children's grades.
But there's one word we're missing: it's love.
Hayao Miyazaki said in "Howl's Moving Castle": Those children who are deeply loved are more powerful.
Regardless of whether the child has good grades or a good personality, it is necessary to take "love" as the premise and provide the child with rich emotions in order to forge his strong heart.
So what kind of love is love for children?
Let's take a look at these 10 moments of parents who love their children!
01
- When a child does something wrong, don't "blame him."
A netizen shared an experience.
When he was a child, he kicked the precious orchids of his neighbor's house by playing football, and was chased and scolded by his neighbors.
Unexpectedly, after my father apologized to his neighbors, he actually smiled and said:
"You've got a lot of feet, maybe you'll be able to make the football team in the future!"
"Daddy knows you didn't mean it. ”
"Next time we can find an open place to play, what do you think?"
Then, his father took him to find a suitable place to play football and played with him for an afternoon.
He said: I want to thank my parents for never reprimanding me when I made mistakes.
When a child makes a mistake, the guilt and fear in his heart are no less than the anger of his parents.
What they need is the understanding and guidance of their parents, so that they can try and make mistakes, correct them, and face them calmly.
An understanding look, a comforting word, and a warm hug can blow away the tension and guilt in a child's heart.
When a child makes a mistake, ask more "why" and deal with the problem with a tolerant attitude, and you can find the "voice" behind the child's mistake.
02
- Be willing to tolerate your child when he lies for fear of criticism.
When a child lies, the first reaction of parents is: criticize, scold, and block.
As everyone knows, lies are the umbrella behind fear.
Psychologist Ginot, in his analysis of "the reasons why children lie", said:
Lying is a refuge that children seek for fear of being scolded for telling the truth.
Children who love to lie learn to avoid "suffering" because they often experience criticism and accusations.
A child who has never been loved needs lies to fill the fear in his heart.
A psychologist has done an experiment:
Knowing that the child is lying, say to the first group of children:
Lying is punishable severely;
Say to the second group of children: It's okay to be wrong, but be honest.
Outcome:
The first group of children still insisted on lying, while in the second group, 50% of the children chose to admit their mistakes.
It is enough to prove that when children are tolerated after lying, their honesty will be higher.
It is not terrible for children to lie, we have to see the real "language" of children behind lies.
Only by solving problems for him with a tolerant heart can we win sincere children.
03
- When a child is timid, he will not be blamed for being "cowardly".
There is such a kind of child: when there are many people, they always like to hide behind their parents, and when they are in a group, they are always submissive.
At this time, most children will say: really timid, too cowardly!
Such a response is emotional neglect of the child.
The more timid the child, the more fearful they will be around them, and once they are labeled as "timid and cowardly", they will become weaker and weaker.
When children are "afraid", understanding and accepting them is to provide them with the comfort and protection they need most.
In the face of timid children, we only need three steps:
If your child is afraid to play with someone they don't know, guide them like this:
1. You were a little scared just now, didn't you?—— accept your emotions
2. It's okay, mom used to be scared too, it's good to be familiar with it - empathy, build a sense of security
3. Let's go and play with them – help him deal with his fears
Seeing the child's anxiety and accompanying him to try the things that the child is afraid of, this is a sign of love.
04
- Respect your child when he doesn't say hello.
In the world of parents: no greeting = no politeness.
But in a child's world, reluctance to say hello = I haven't accepted you yet.
American educationalist Chalmer once did an experiment: observe the social status of 100 children with an average age of 6-8 years old.
The results of the study found that:
When greeting strangers, 80% of the children showed a slight back-off, intentionally or unintentionally.
When children are confronted with unfamiliar people, they will instinctively develop fear and resistance in their hearts.
Once parents force their children to say hello, they ignore their children's fears.
I watched a child's conversation with his mother, and it was very heartwarming.
Mother: "You see the other children are saying hello, why don't you?"
Child: "Because...... I'm not ready. ”
The mother chooses to respect the child: "It's okay, when you're ready one day, we'll say hello." ”
Instead of forcing your child in exchange for his resistance, you should choose to respect him and let him take his time.
05
- When a child doesn't want to share, don't "force him".
Many children have experienced being "forced to share":
"Give the toy to my sister, you have to let him. ”
"You give it to him, don't be so stingy, and I'll buy it for you when I come back. ”
......
We are always afraid that children will become selfish because they don't like to share, and in fact, forcing children to share is harmful.
Because passive sharing is a kind of sacrifice.
Not only will it give the child a sense of frustration, but it can also easily cause the child to feel deprived.
A netizen said:
"Sharing is not deprivation, sharing is the child's independent germination of consciousness, born of love, born of a sense of security, and forced to share children are very insecure, more selfish, and more defensive. ”
Every child has ownership of things, and not sharing does not mean that he is selfish, but that he has a self-expression.
We need to learn to respect our children's egos and allow them the right to say "no".
Children who are not forced to share will have the courage to refuse in the future.
06
- Accept your child when he or she has a tantrum.
In the face of children who love to lose their temper, it is really a headache:
cry when you feel uncomfortable;
Unsatisfied, emotions are high;
If you don't agree with each other, you will drop things......
At this time, parents must not beat and scold their children, otherwise the children will form an irritable personality because of depression.
"Nonviolent Communication" mentions:
Behind every kind of anger lies our expectations and needs, and to express anger is to fully express those expectations and needs.
We need to allow our children to express the expectations and needs behind their anger in order to solve the problem.
A mother and son practice badminton, and her son always loses his temper because he can't play the ball.
Mom comforted on the side:
"Yes, I'm so angry! Every time I throw the ball, I think it's going to hit, but it always misses.
But you can observe Mom, there are many times when you can't hit it.
A sentence calms the child's emotions.
A child's tantrum is a kind of language, and we can only heal him when we see him.
Accept your child's emotions and ask him: Why are you unhappy?
Let my children feel that their parents will always care about me.
Only children who are concerned can have a healthy personality.
07
- When your child doesn't do well in exams, "encourage him".
There is such a video on the Internet.
A girl who only took the penultimate place in the exam, she walked up to her mother with a smile and said, "Good news or bad news, which do you want to hear first?"
Mom said calmly, "Say it." ”
The girl was a little embarrassed and said, "The good news is that I was the second-to-last in this exam, and the bad news is that I didn't pass the exam." ”
After listening to this, the mother did not criticize the girl, but smiled at her.
Maybe the mother's reaction was calm, but the smile on her face was the best response.
Just because a child doesn't do well in the exam doesn't mean he doesn't work hard.
And the criticism and accusation of parents is to deny the child's efforts, so the child will get worse and worse.
In fact, every time a child fails to do well in the exam, there is an element of "asking for help, pleading, and courting" in the face of parents.
At this time, the encouragement and comfort of his parents is the best love for him.
Let my child feel that my parents will not stop loving me because of my bad grades.
This is the confidence of children to walk in the world in the future.
08
- "Comfort your child" when he doesn't live up to expectations.
Roland Maitreya, an American counselor, often receives the question, "Why is it that the more you care about a relationship, the more likely you are to be disappointed?"
He replied: Because you always want the other person to do what you want them to do, or to be what you want them to be.
This passage reveals a lot of reasons why parent-child relationships fail.
Some parents always arrange their children according to their own expectations and make him become what they like, but in the end, they are disgusted and rebellious by their children.
Yang Xiong, director of the Youth Research Institute of the Shanghai Academy of Social Sciences, shared his personal experience:
At first, he, like all parents, could not accept the fact that his son was worse than others, and set high goals for his son, but his son was poor in school.
Later, he no longer insisted on grades, his son's psychology relaxed, and his grades increased.
Parents expect too much from their children, and they will keep a strong love out of their children's hearts.
We can expect from our children, but understand that they don't have to cater to all the expectations of their families.
When your child is not as good as we expected, try to affirm him and comfort him.
Create a relaxed family relationship, and everyone will have more happiness.
09
- When your child is successful, praise your child sincerely.
A mother in Hefei, Anhui Province, shared a touching story.
Her 10-year-old daughter actually made her own breakfast in the morning, and her mother cried with joy, constantly praising and encouraging her daughter.
At first, my daughter didn't do well.
But every time the mother encouraged her daughter, and then the daughter got better and better.
The "audience" that children need most is someone who can applaud them.
Especially the appreciation and love of those closest to you is what keeps your child going.
Bill Gates once said:
The only thing parents should do for their children is to find their children's passions and encourage them to go all out and pursue them to the fullest.
Parents need to learn to cheer for their children:
When a child does something, no matter how good or bad the result is, applaud him first so that he has the confidence to do better.
When a child fails, he can still encourage and affirm him, so that he is not afraid of difficulties.
10
- When the child makes a fool of himself in public, it effectively maintains the child's self-esteem.
Fu Seoul once revealed in a show that he is very good at "protecting calves":
"When relatives get together, people ask my son to recite a poem, and I will say let me memorize it, don't let my son recite it, I can sing a song to everyone. ”
Parents are willing to put down their children to protect their children in public, so they can truly love him.
When the child is ridiculed in front of everyone and compared by many people, his heart is cramped, if the parents cannot stand by the child's side, it is easy for the child to "tear off" his dignity and become an inferior and sensitive child.
Russell, the British philosopher and sociologist, once said, "Dignity is civilization, but it is as easy to fall off as a layer of things on the face." ”
The best way to love your child is never to compare, not to ridicule in public, but to "support" your child when he feels bad:
When children are compared with others, use "merits" to refute others and protect children's dignity;
When the child makes a fool of himself in public, with empathy and companionship, let the child feel that we understand him and understand him, then it will heal the child's inner trauma and give the child the strength to resist hostility.
Parents are always willing to stand with their children and fight against external harm, which can be exchanged for the child's lifelong head.
In many families, the "love" that parents think they are expressing is actually not felt by their children at all.
True love is not "for your good" imposed by parents.
It is about mutual maintenance, respect, attention, and understanding between parents and children, so that love flows in the parent-child relationship.
As the psychologist Winnicott said, "Only when the child is sure that he can go home at any time can he move forward with peace of mind." ”
For children, a warm and relaxed family environment is not stingy to express the love of parents for their children, and to prove with words and deeds that "I really love children".
In this way, children can gain a solid sense of security and self-confidence.
Finally create a sky of your own.