If you talk less, the child will be fine

In the matter of educating children, sometimes "silent" is really more powerful than "sound".

Author | Tomato Mom

Who would have thought that since he was in the second year of junior high school, his son, who had always been excellent and motivated, would begin to "rot".

The teacher also told me that he was always absent-minded in school and often wandered.

What I can't stand the most is that he is more and more procrastinating in his homework, and often sits at his desk for half a day without writing.

Soon, his academic performance slowly slipped down, from the top five to tenth, then fifteen, twenty-five......

How can this work?

I was anxious in my eyes, always thinking about communicating with him more, constantly reminding him to work hard every day, urging him to hurry up and write his homework, and moving out all kinds of big truths.

He was able to handle a few words at first, but then he ignored me.

The result is naturally half a score, and the son's midterm exam results are really miserable.

That night, my son sat there and played on his phone after eating.

I didn't want to talk about him, but as the minutes and seconds passed, I couldn't help it anymore, and angrily rushed over and yelled:

"What time is it, and you're still looking at your phone, can't you consciously order it?"

Unexpectedly, the son was stunned for a moment, and said impatiently: "Don't worry about it!

With that, he pushed me out of the bedroom.

I was left standing there with a bewildered expression.

I can't figure out how the child who used to be obedient to me, self-disciplined and diligent, became like this?

In the midst of all kinds of distress, I happened to see a passage from Professor Huang Shiming, a psychological counselor:

"A lot of times, children have problems, not because parents communicate too little, but because they 'communicate' too much.

If parents always keep an eye on their children, chatter every day, and find fault with their children, it will only cause their children to be disgusted. ”

A word to wake up the dreamer.

It turns out that my son's current "messy" situation is not because I have little communication with him, but precisely because there are too many.

The more parents talk

The more tense the parent-child relationship

Zhao Yuping, the keynote speaker of the Hundred Lectures, told a story:

One day, a friend who was a mother suddenly called him and came up crying:

"Teacher Zhao, I can't live this day!"

It turned out that one day she was cleaning at home, and when she saw her son, who was doing his homework, going from the room to the living room to pour water, she asked casually:

"Is your homework done?"

Unexpectedly, my son immediately exploded when he heard it:

"Ask, ask, what to ask, you know to ask all day long! If you ask me again, I won't write, you don't care about me!"

With that, he went back to the house and slammed the door shut.

The mother was stunned for a moment, she was puzzled, and she casually asked why her son was so angry.

Zhao Yuping talked to this boy and learned that this mother would urge him to study every day, and even ask several times a day.

Every time I asked him if he had finished his homework and he replied that he had finished it, his mother began to nag:

"Still on the couch after writing? Why don't you hurry up and do the exercises and memorize the words!

Your broken learning attitude, every time you push and push, your father and I work hard to earn money outside, you have this virtue, who are you worthy of?"

But if he didn't finish his answer, his mother began to accuse again:

"If you haven't finished writing, why don't you hurry up and write it if you haven't finished writing?

Therefore, under her long-term preaching and nagging, the boy's mood has long been on the verge of collapse.

The parent-child relationship between the two is like a fragile and tight string that breaks when touched.

There's a term in psychology called the "overrun effect."

It refers to the psychological phenomenon that causes extreme psychological impatience or resistance due to too much, too strong and too long a stimulus.

Especially in adolescence, children have a stronger sense of "me" and a desire for independence and freedom.

If parents still repeatedly nagging and blaming, the child's long-pent-up emotions will explode and various "rebellious" behaviors will appear.

In retrospect, everything was already in place at the beginning of the year.

At that time, because my son had just entered junior high school, many subjects were more difficult than before, and he was busy with his studies, so he needed to adapt well.

But I didn't understand my son's difficulties at all, and I kept chattering on the side:

"It's not easy for Mom to go to work every day to earn money for you to go to school. ”

Once my son's grades dropped, I came up with a blaming:

"Can you get such a simple question wrong?" Do you have a long brain?"

"Look at people, look at you, and learn from them. ”

When I think about it, I regret it.

It turned out that it was my nagging and accusations that made my son feel resistant, unwilling to communicate with me, and finally could only protest with rotten and silent.

The more parents talk

The worse the child

The Adolescent Mental Health Clinic of the Affiliated Hospital of Hangzhou Normal University has received such a mother and child.

My son is in the second year of junior high school, and his school homework is already very nervous, but his mother still arranges a lot of make-up classes for his son.

Not only that, but she also mentions her face at home every day, constantly urging her son to study.

In less than a semester, the overwhelmed son finally "collapsed":

He began to get tired of school, staying at home every day to play games, yelling and throwing things whenever his parents mentioned words related to school.

In desperation, his mother had to take him to see a psychiatrist.

During the whole process of the doctor's consultation, the mother was still talking:

"My son used to be very well-behaved and we had a good relationship. ”

But when asked if her son would take the initiative to talk about the difficulties he encountered in his studies, the mother was stunned because her son had never mentioned it to her.

So, Dr. Fang hit the nail on the head and pointed out:

In many similar families, parents' voices and desires for learning always override the children themselves.

Once the child expresses different ideas from himself, the parents will use tantrums or nagging to "suppress" them, and over time, the child will not want or dare to speak out.

Even if he really encountered learning difficulties, he did not have the strength to express his true thoughts in his heart, so he could only blindly bear and endure until he could not persevere, and he was afraid and avoided from school.

It's not that children don't want to learn and are willing to fall, but that they have lost the power of upward communication and the motivation to work hard in the intensive nagging of their parents.

Studies have shown that the frequency of repetition and the effect of persuasion are "inverted U-curves".

In other words, when the same thing is repeated too many times, the child will not listen.

The situation of this mother and son is really the same as the situation of me and my son.

During the period when my son's grades were declining, I was really anxious and anxious.

I thought that my constant reminders and constant urging would make my children better.

But he ignored the fact that my "repeater" style of education only deepened his aversion to learning.

In the end, it killed his motivation to learn and made him worse and worse.

Your words are less

The child will naturally be fine

I was impressed when I saw a story:

There was a mother who had an inflamed throat and couldn't speak.

On this day, my son came back from school and said:

"Mom, today the teacher criticized me, and I don't want to go to school anymore. ”

The mother wanted to criticize the child, but because she couldn't speak, she had to stare dryly.

The son went on to say:

"The teacher said that my homework was copied from the same table, but in fact, there was really none, it was all written by myself, why can't the teacher see my efforts. ”

As she spoke, her son cried aggrievedly, and her mother had no choice but to hug her son silently.

After the son finished crying, he suddenly said, "Mom, thank you." ”

She was stunned for a moment, and then her son said:

"Thank you for listening to me say so much today, I will definitely continue to work hard. ”

Throughout the story, the mother didn't say a word, just listened silently, but won her son's sincere recognition and gratitude.

When children feel accepted and understood, they are naturally willing to open up to their parents and be willing to get better from the bottom of their hearts.

Many times, when you have fewer words, the child will naturally get better.

Many parents have a headache, as their children grow up and become more and more self-conscious, how should they get along with their children?

I remembered that there was a post on Zhihu "How should ordinary families raise their children?"

One of the high praisers replied:

Take him on an outing in the spring, pick melons and fruits in the mountains in the fall, run in the fields in the summer, and go to the museum on the weekend;

It's okay to stew a few more pots of meat, and when he comes back hungry after kicking football, he puts hot rice on it, wraps it in broth and sandwiches the meat, it's rotten and sticky, bowl after bowl, and he puts down his chopsticks and sleeps.

Make a few more dumplings, let him invite his classmates to come to the house, play around, and after a mess, one drawer and one drawer underground. Looking at the few of them, their mouths were full of dumplings, and they were still eating more than anyone else.

To sum up, if you want to raise your children well and maintain a harmonious parent-child relationship with your children, the secret is six words:

Do more and talk less.

In other words, when parents keep their mouths shut, don't worry and disturb too much, and do their part, children will naturally grow up healthy and happy.

From that day on, I was determined to make a change.

I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my son and solemnly said "I'm sorry" to him.

That day, my son shed a lot of tears and told me about the pain and frustration of this time, as well as his fear of studying.

I listened carefully and finally gave my son a big hug: "Mommy knows you're hard, it's hard!"

Then, I promised my son that I would keep my mouth shut and never bother him or accuse him again.

When my son came home in the evening, I didn't mention anything except calling him out for dinner.

After dinner, my son looked at his phone for a while, then opened his schoolbag to write his homework, and when it was time, he went to sleep, and I didn't ask him how his homework was.

As a result, the next morning, my son greeted me for the first time before he went out.

The results of the monthly exam came out, and my son's grades in several subjects were still not good, so I couldn't help but criticize him, but comforted him:

"Don't think about it so much, come, you have your favorite sauce pig's trotters today!"

In the evening, my son knocked on the door and came to my room, saying that he wanted to discuss a mistake with me.

The pedagogue Sukhomlinsky once said:

"In any kind of educational phenomenon, the less the child feels the intention of the educator, the greater the effect of his education. ”

When you keep your mouth shut, do not suppress, pay silently, and quietly guard the healthy growth of your children, home is the warmest harbor for children, and parents are the objects of children's attachment.

In this way, after more than 2 months of hard work, the kid who worked with me everywhere and ignored me disappeared, and our relationship slowly got better and better.

Watching him go to school, listen to classes, and write homework every day, I know that the once excellent and motivated child will come back sooner or later.

At this point, I also understand what Zhu Ziqing said in "Silence":

"Your words should be like stars in the night, not like firecrackers on Chinese New Year's Eve—who rares firecrackers all night?"

If you want to be a good parent, you must learn to "shut up".

In education, sometimes "silent" is really more powerful than "sound".

Give it a thumbs up and encourage all parents.