There are several groups related to "interpersonal relationships" on Douban, and you can feel everyone's resentment about relationships just by looking at the group name: daily attention to the sense of boundaries, interpersonal relationship cleanliness, and friendship boats, I can row alone...
Often, after experiencing hurt and unfriendly treatment in a relationship, we can't help but start to reflect: What kind of relationship do I need, and what are the characteristics of a healthy relationship?
Last week, we launched a call for people to share their own experiences with what they see as "healthy relationships". Although everyone's standards are different, there are always some things in common that can inspire us. Let's take a look.
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1. "When I was hiding in the bathroom and panicking, she was willing to call me for 3 hours"
@茄子
My parents often quarreled, and once when I was out on a trip, they got into a fight, and it was very intense, and then I hid in the bathroom by myself and panicked, so I called a friend. My parents kept arguing, so she never hung up the phone and chatted with me for more than three hours, talking about all kinds of happy things. It was about to take the high school entrance exam, and three hours was very expensive, but she never expressed that she felt that it was taking up her time or that she wanted to hang up the phone until I said I was fine.
I feel very, very lucky, and I feel that I am cared for and cared for. Of course, I'm always willing to listen to her when she needs someone to talk to, no matter how many hours it takes. I feel that the whole third year of junior high school is a process of mutual healing.
2. My sharing is taken seriously
@还是茄子
I love plants, and every time I walk around school, I pick something inexplicable, such as flowers, seeds, dried loofah vines, dog's tail grass, etc., and then go back to the classroom and put it on her desk. She would always be very careful to guess what it was, and she would keep it for at least a day. It felt like she was taking the things I liked seriously, even if they were very small. So my desire to share can be kept alive.
▷ "This is the first time in this life"
3. No matter how far or near the relationship is, you can have your own comfortable space
@momo
For example, with netizens, watching videos, everyone's comments and barrages, if you like it, you can applaud it, and if you don't have it, just watch it. When you're in a good mood, watch for a while, and when you're in a bad mood, be alone for a while. But I know, I look or not, they're all there.
4. Don't consume each other's energy
@南瓜糯米饼ovo
A few years ago, I had a friend who had a good relationship when she was a student, and her grades were among the top in our school, and I recognized her as excellent, and I have always been with her with an attitude of mutual progress, but her sense of superiority and constant disparagement of the things I liked made me feel tired when I got along with her. (I was even bored with interpersonal communication at one point...) I tolerated her without a bottom line, until I was woken up by another friend one day, only to realize that she had been draining my energy. So I escaped this toxic relationship and managed to find a healthy relationship where I could give energy to each other!
5. Respect and take care of my feelings
@姜
In intimate relationships, I have felt the difference between my ex and the current one, such as whether I look at the edge or not, I don't like to watch it, and I don't want my ex to watch it, but he didn't make any changes, and he looked at it openly and openly in the later stage (in the end, I found out that I was chatting with others).
After knowing my attitude, my current one first explained, this is an app push, he doesn't like to see it, and then as long as he swipes it, he takes the initiative to click on it and is not interested, and now he doesn't push it at all.
▷ "Little Shoes"
6. The roles of both parties are fluid, they can be adults or sometimes children
@Taro
There are parental states, adult states, and child states, and no one is always in a certain state in a relationship, such as "I enjoy being cared for, but I also have times when I am needed".
My college roommates and I are in this state, nothing special has happened, for example, when I am irritable when I write a paper, I may scream or say something nonsensical, and my roommates will clearly say that they can understand my state these days and tolerate me to do these things, on the other hand, I also want to help them when they are in trouble, and they will ask me questions about my area of expertise, which makes me feel very satisfied.
7. Respect the emotions and experiences of others
@琥珀
I observed that in society, there are many people on the Internet who don't know how to empathize. I don't know how to score, and I don't know how to talk about things.
When listening to the grievances of others, or the unfortunate things that have happened to others. Don't say, "What are you, I was worse before......
Respect the emotions and experiences of others, and don't ignore the pain of others with unnecessary comparisons. Everyone's experience, growth environment, and natural personality are different, and you can't compare your own things with them. It's like if you punch a strong man, he may be unharmed, but if you hit a newborn baby with the same force, it can be fatal pain for him.
8. Have a similar experience to yourself
@cookiefledged
It's also good that people like me, including those who have had similar experiences (mostly setbacks), get the same amount of comfort.
▷ "Soul Catcher"
9. It is not to ensure that there are no problems in the relationship at any time, but to have the ability to repair, adjust and restore when encountering problems
@开心不开心都要说出来
More than one of my friends would flash things home when they didn't confirm my time at home. My mother is more sensitive, and it will cause anxiety when she encounters a courier brother who keeps knocking on the door to ask for the receiving code, and sometimes I can't guarantee that I am always looking at my phone when I am busy.
I used to be embarrassed to express myself to the friend who sent me, so I could only thank you out of politeness. Now I will directly say thank you and tell the other party that this is actually bothering me, and you can send something to the unit or say hello to me in advance in the future.
I'm not worried about losing friends because of this "straight talk" now, because a truly healthy, long-lasting relationship is about having the ability to fix problems. And friends in the real sense of the word, who are not angry because I expressed it like this, are still good friends.
10. When conflict occurs, there is still a gentle and tolerant communication environment
@望舒
My partner and I are in a very reassuring and comfortable mode of arguing. When there is a conflict, if either party starts to get emotional, the other party will take care of the other party's emotions even if they are reasonable or unhappy. After each other's emotions have calmed down, we will be truthful about our feelings and needs, communicate in a timely and effective manner, and then get back together. It all ends with a warm hug, and I like this kind of relationship with a lot of security, even if I lose my temper, I don't have to worry about being educated and being blamed by PUA.
▷ "This is the first time in this life"
11. You don't have to be emotionally stable, but you need to have a minimum sense of security
@H-May
I can feel that "one day in the future, if we really break up/break up, they will not tell my secrets, and they will not use my sincere words as jokes or even rumors. 」
12. "Emergency rescue" in case of crisis
@宇宙宠儿夏夏子
One night downstairs in the community, I met a woman who handed out flyers, it was a health center, I ignored it, but she said let me help, she had to complete the task today, there were still a few people, I moved my compassion to help her.
I entered the store and registered, and then, the clerk took me to a small house, showed me the picture to popularize health knowledge, and directly arranged for me to arrange a technician to come over to help me look at my feet, and also pushed my feet, I always wanted me to apply for membership, and I didn't plan to let me leave, I was scared, and at that time I sent a message to my boyfriend and a girl friend, explaining the situation I am encountering now, and then my boyfriend's reply was, let me hurry back.
My girlfriend immediately called me, pretending to be my roommate, forgetting the key, and urging me to hurry back and open the door for her;
After that, I was very sad because my friends were able to do emergency rescue, but my boyfriend didn't think about my safety in the slightest, and just calmly sent me a message telling me to go back early. Our relationship ended after I felt snubbed again and again.
▷ "Hurricane Rescue"
13. "Milk tea less ice, no coriander" I remember the details of your preferences
@H-May
There are no real straight men and straight women, only no need to care. No matter how "dull" people are, as long as they are attentive to you, they will try to remember your preferences. Milk tea has less ice and no coriander..... Attentiveness is reflected in the details. But people who don't care about you, even if they forget the details you care about very much, and you feel bad, the other party may just apologize and pretend to be pitiful: "I'm sorry, I'm too stupid" and "It's all my fault".
14. We are equal in relationships
@未来主义接班人总觉得跟我寝室里的姑娘处不好, in fact, this is my one-sided feeling, she is quite happy every day! I am a very clingy person, she is relatively independent, she can do whatever she wants! So I sometimes feel very aggrieved, why doesn't she call me for anything! Later, I slowly realized that in fact, I have always been very timid, I have always shrunk into my shell and dare not do what I really want to do, everyone is an adult, and everyone should be free, but I put myself in the position of a child and made this relationship unequal.
🤝🤗🤝
Growing up, we may have "no limits" in our relationships, or we may only be divided according to simple criteria: he is my father, I have to listen to him, she has a good academic performance, we have known each other for many years, so we have always been friends...
For the relationship that has been established, sometimes I give up the right to "re-examine", ignore the real feelings of the moment, and obviously feel uncomfortable, but still feel that "the other party is a friend/relative after all, and it is okay to treat me whatever I want." 」
Good interpersonal relationships require us to be able to be aware, reflective and reshape our standards. We can have our own considerations about relationships, re-examine existing relationships, decide who can enter our relationships, and perhaps consider keeping our distance or even giving up on relationships that are painful and uncomfortable for us.
We set these standards because we want to be treated well.
Editor: Birdman Editor: Han Bing
Cover: "Strange Flowers"