#裸辞##海外生活##瑞典生活##你后悔远嫁吗?##癌症##婚姻家庭#
This is the 3,727th real story we have told
My name is Hannah, and I am a post-70s Hunan girl who loves to learn and toss.
Twenty-four years ago, I quit my job at Guangzhou Radio and came to Sweden with my boyfriend. It didn't take long for me to feel out of place and decided to break up.
However, I was pregnant. So, I stayed in Sweden, gave birth to my daughter on my own, completed my bachelor's and master's degrees in economics in Swedish, and found a job at a well-known Swedish firm.
After that, I met my straight husband and we had another lovely daughter. However, during my years abroad, I was plagued by an identity crisis, painful, depressed, panicked, and I became farther and farther away from my true self. So, at the age of 38, I quit my thriving job and went back to university to study psychology.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago, just getting a new position at Swedbank.
So, I re-examined my life and began my path of self-healing: I walked from Portugal to Spain, I went to India to learn yoga, and I went to the Solomon Islands in the South Pacific to teach Chinese to the locals.
(Life is a process of constantly finding oneself)
In 1976, I was born in a small county called Longhui in Hunan, and I have a younger sister and a younger brother at home. Like many families in China, my parents also had the idea of raising children to prevent old age. My younger brother is superborn and was fostered at my grandmother's house when he was a child.
My parents are very kind, however, they don't get along well, and arguing is commonplace. This kind of family atmosphere makes me very unhappy.
My father was very strict, my mother was very strong, they were very demanding of me, I was five years older than my sister and seven years older than my brother, so I shared the work of taking care of my younger siblings very early, and it was very hard.
I didn't feel loved at home, and I was even bullied by my neighbor's classmates, and when I went home, not only did I have no one to comfort me, but I had to be beaten again. These experiences once made me feel inferior.
(When I was a child, my younger siblings and I)
Both parents attach great importance to education and hope that our three siblings will study hard and have a future career. But when I was a child, I wasn't one of the top students, just average. At that time, my hobby was literature and art, and my main focus was on singing and dancing. So, my parents were disappointed in me as well.
When I graduated from junior high school, I could have continued to study in high school and go to university, but considering that I had three children at home and had a heavy financial burden, I applied for the middle school teacher's examination. Because middle school teachers not only do not need tuition and living expenses, but also can graduate early to reduce the burden on the family.
At that time, middle school teachers were all selected from among outstanding junior high school students, and I was admitted as a student with literary and artistic specialties. Many of my classmates who were not admitted to the middle school teacher back then were later admitted to the university.
So, when I got my acceptance letter, my parents were very happy and had a banquet with family and friends. I feel proud and feel that my hard work has finally paid off.
(15-year-old me)
The three-year life as a middle school teacher soon came to an end. In the past three years, I have had a very happy and fulfilling life. I am a literary and artistic student, singing, dancing, hosting programs, I am good at everything.
However, when I graduated from the middle school, I realized that there were college students everywhere, and I was no longer very popular with only a secondary school degree.
I was assigned to a rural primary school, where the environment was difficult and the school building was dilapidated, but the children were lovely. At that time, I was only 18 years old and a big kid. I mingle with the students every day, teach them to sing and dance, play games with them, and the students love me.
More than a year has passed since such a happy and simple day. During this period, I found a partner, because the family conditions did not meet the requirements of my parents in all aspects, and they strongly objected.
(When I was 17 years old, I worked as a model in my mother's photo studio)
At this time, an overseas Chinese high school in Guangdong was recruiting music teachers. So, at the behest of my parents, I came to Guangdong. My parents actually asked me to throw away the "iron rice bowl" in order to break us up at that time, so you can imagine how determined they were at that time.
However, from a small county town, from a rural primary school, to Guangdong, my eyes were suddenly opened, and I saw a vast world - a completely different world from what I have experienced for more than 20 years. I ate McDonald's for the first time here, went to the playground for the first time, and rode a roller coaster.
I am like a "frog at the bottom of a well", when I jumped out of the well, I found that the world is so colorful, and there are countless possibilities in life. However, my knowledge was far from sufficient.
(I was in Guangzhou at the time)
So, after working as a teacher for a year, I quit my job and went to Guangdong University of Foreign Trade to study business English. On the one hand, I have loved English since I was a child, and I have always regretted that the school did not offer English classes when I was a middle school teacher. On the other hand, I feel that English is a key to the world.
When I was studying at the University of Foreign Trade, I was always looking for every opportunity to learn English. I went to the Canton Fair to work as a translator, and I met a client from Sweden, and I helped him communicate with the boss and sign a contract, so we met. He asked me out to dinner and showed affection for me.
The following year, he flew from Sweden to China several times to see me, and our relationship gradually developed into lovers. In March 2000, he invited me to meet him in Sweden, so I left everything I had in China and went alone.
(Me before I went abroad)
When I first arrived in Sweden, it felt completely different from what I had imagined. Before I went, I knew that Sweden was cold, but after I went, I learned that cold is secondary, and "black" is the most terrible. Due to the higher latitude, Sweden has very short daylight hours in winter, and the capital Stockholm has only 6 hours of daylight, so you think about it, 18 hours of a day is night, what is it like?
The Swedes also have a special festival, Lucy's Day, which celebrates the long night that is passing and the light is coming.
They consider December 13 to be the day with the longest night and the shortest day. On this day, Swedes organize celebrations from morning to evening, with young people dressed in white robes, wearing red ribbons, holding candles, singing traditional songs, and marching in public places such as churches and schools.
(I took my eldest daughter with me in a rental house near the school)
It was a long night that made it difficult for me, who had just arrived and didn't understand the language, to adapt. To make matters worse, shortly after I arrived in Sweden, I found that we were not suitable in all respects and decided to break up.
However, I was already pregnant, and as a Christian, I could not bear to have an abortion, but I would have faced an even more difficult situation when it came to giving birth to a child in a foreign country.
I was miserable, anxious, hesitant, and I didn't know what to do. When I first arrived in a foreign country, there was no one to talk to, no one to talk to, and I couldn't tell my parents to worry about me. I sat alone in the long night, night after night, until dawn. The nights are longer than a year!
In the tangle, the child grew up day by day, and I could already feel her moving. I finally figured out how I could bear to beat her out since she had come to me? Finally, I gave birth to a child on my own, and she was a very cute girl.
(My husband took "dad leave" to take my second daughter, and I wrote my graduation thesis)
In order to make a living, in addition to taking care of the children, I also go to the community to learn Swedish and work several jobs in nursing homes, kindergartens, and chain stores. Every time I drag my tired body home and look at my daughter's puffy smiling face, everything feels worth it.
In order to take care of the children, in order to earn living expenses, I need to spend a lot of time. However, the dream of going to college remains. If you want to go to university, you first have to pass the language barrier. Swedish is difficult to learn, with complex grammar and even more difficult pronunciation.
I studied Swedish in three stages, first in a government community for immigrants, for free, then in an adult high school, after passing the exams, applying to university, and then studying at university for a year.
(The outside world is very exciting, but also very helpless)
When my children were older, I went to kindergarten, and I completed my bachelor's and master's studies in Swedish. Because of my excellent grades, after graduation, I successfully entered one of the four major local accounting firms and worked as an auditor.
Swedes work rigorously and conscientiously, especially in accounting firms, which are highly competitive and work efficiently. However, the company will often engage in some team building activities, and some celebrities will be invited to perform during the event. Swedes don't usually smile, but when they drink, they change and become cheerful and talkative.
Swedes are very restrained and cautious, and they keep a certain distance from each other, and in public, everyone consciously keeps their distance. Some people say that during the new crown period, the distance we did for nucleic acid queuing was not as far as the usual distance of Swedes.
(I was baptized in the country)
When I first arrived in Sweden, I was particularly uncomfortable with the fact that I had to make an appointment for everything in Sweden, for a haircut, and for a friend's house – this appointment is not something we understand, we can say that we get together on weekends, and even come to my house in the morning or evening.
At the beginning of the year, the Swedes will make an appointment for a dinner at 6:32 p.m. on June 3, and they will make an appointment for more than half a year later, and it will be accurate to what time it is. So, I had to keep track of these appointments in a notebook in case I forgot them.
When my eldest daughter was three years old, I met my IT husband, who was the same age as me, and three years later we had another lovely daughter.
We met on the Internet, he is a typical straight man, we have different personalities, different interests and hobbies, and even more different cultures and life backgrounds. I studied art, and I was a bit romantic, and he was a bit stereotyped.
(I love the outdoors)
For example, every year on Valentine's Day, he would send me gifts, but every year it was the same: a bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates, and a box of red strawberries, every year.
My husband is not only not romantic, but also a little wooden, he will not be able to observe words and feelings, and will not find out my needs. I have to tell him what I need, in very clear, very specific language. However, he will do everything he is asked to do. This may also be a common problem for Swedish men.
Remember, we had just met and I went fishing with him to Norway. When I went, I thought very beautifully: the sea breeze was blowing, the sun was shining, and we were fishing by the water's edge. I also brought a swimsuit, thinking about bathing in the sea, how exciting it would be!
(Our first trip to Norway for fishing)
However, the actual situation was that I was seasick and had the strong smell of fish, and for more than 10 hours on the boat, I was so dizzy that I vomited all over the river. Finally, it was dusk before the boat came home, and I was already hungry and shivering. I imagined going back to the log cabin on the shore and drinking a bowl of hot soup.
But who knows, on the way back, he saw a school of fish swimming by, and he was very excited, so as soon as the boat docked and put me down, he couldn't wait to drive the speedboat to chase the fish that had just passed. I sat alone in my cold cabin, disappointed and eager to part with me.
Of course, he has a lot of good points. He's especially honest, he's straight, but not machismo. He loves to do housework, cooking, tidying up the garden, which are his favorites. In particular, his love for me is very pure, without a little impurity, without a little selfishness, which makes me feel very secure.
(The two daughters returned to China for the first time)
He was very nice to both daughters. I remember that before the second child was about to be born, he once said to me very seriously that after the second child was born, we must not neglect the eldest child, and parents must not be partial, otherwise, the child will be easily hurt.
After we got together, he wholeheartedly supported every decision I made. What I do, he always says: as long as you feel good, do it!
We have photographed wedding dresses in China, but we have not yet gone through the marriage formalities. In Sweden, cohabitation and marriage are both protected by law, so in Sweden, half of people choose to marry and half choose to live together.
After having my second daughter, in order to have more energy to take care of the children, I moved to one of Sweden's largest forestry companies to work as a financial accountant at the head office. The job was relatively light, but working with a bunch of numbers all day long, I started to feel depressed, panicked, and had symptoms such as spatial phobia.
(Celebrating the first birthday of the second daughter)
So, I started to adjust myself. At this time, I developed a strong interest in psychology.
Later, at the age of 38, I quit my job and went back to university to study psychology and get a bachelor's degree. Although I am almost in my old age, I am eager to learn and constantly apply the theoretical knowledge I have learned to my life. The knowledge of psychology has helped me understand a lot of problems that I didn't understand before.
During my years abroad, I was plagued by a crisis of identity due to the huge differences in language, culture, and values. At first, I was desperately trying to merge, but later, I found that I was getting farther and farther away from my true self.
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Sweden has breast cancer screening specifically for women over the age of 40, every two years. I've done it twice before with no problem. However, after this time, I received a notice of re-examination. I know that a review means there might be a problem.
(At the forestry company, I was in the company's newspaper, a trusted digital expert in Swedish)
At that moment, I was shocked, I was completely blinded, and I was unconscious for a long time.
After a little calm, a burst of sadness hit my heart, and I took care of my younger siblings since I was a child, sharing the pressure of life for my parents. At the age of 24, he came to Sweden alone, in a foreign country, raising his daughter alone, living, working, and studying, and he was overwhelmed every day. It was as if I had never lived for myself, without thinking about my true feelings.
In the past few years, life has finally gotten better, and everything has gone smoothly. I don't believe it's true, I feel like God is playing a joke on me, trying to scare me and remind me to pay attention to my health.
Swedes are slow to do things, especially in hospitals. I did a follow-up test and it will take at least 3 weeks for the results to come out. If the results are in, you need to check again, and you have to wait another 3 weeks. The wait is long, and it's even more painful. I felt like I was waiting for a prisoner to be sentenced, hoping for a quick outcome and fearing it sooner.
(On the pilgrimage route)
At the time, I had just been offered a new position at Swedbank, and the blow forced me to re-examine my life and listen to my inner voice. I eventually gave up my job in the bank and began my path to self-healing.
I had agreed with my friends that I was going to hike, and this was the perfect opportunity – I didn't want to stay at home and be tormented and miserable every day, so I could use hiking to distract myself and calmly think about what to do next.
(I got my yoga teacher qualification)
So, I started the pilgrimage with my friends. It took us two weeks to walk from Porto, Portugal to Santiago de Compostela in Spain.
I walked a total of 315 kilometers, an average of more than 20 kilometers a day, and walked for about ten hours. We walked along the coastline, the scenery was beautiful along the way, and there were many pilgrims. We enjoy the view, experience the local customs, and taste the special food. Sometimes they chat, but more often, they walk silently.
(My two daughters and I went to the Sahara Desert)
My attention is always on reminiscing, thinking. My 46 years of life are like a movie, unfolding in front of my eyes one by one. There is joy, there is joy, there is trouble, there is sorrow, there is helplessness, but now it is more fear, helplessness, worry, and fear.
Along the way, there were many churches, and I would go to pray sincerely, praying that God would bless me from this catastrophe and be healthy and safe.
I've never walked so much, my feet are worn out, my legs can't bend, my back hurts, and I'm still walking. Walking, walking, slowly I calmed down a lot, less afraid, no longer complaining. Of course, I would have preferred it to be a false alarm.
(At this moment, I became one with heaven and earth)
After returning from the pilgrimage, the results came out, it was malignant and required surgery. At that moment, I was in despair. Even though I had prepared for the worst and done a lot of mental construction, I was still scared and helpless. I'm not reconciled, I haven't lived a good life for myself!
In despair and fear, I had surgery. Surgery is followed by radiotherapy. The pain was worse than the surgery, and it was still torturous. I still have to take a lot of medicines, some of which are hormone drugs, and the side effects are very big. I was more depressed, irritable, anxious, and my body had low energy.
I don't think I can always rely on medication to solve the problem, I know that not only is my body sick, but my mental problem is even worse. It can even be said that it is because of psychological problems that lead to physical diseases. When I was feeling better, I went to India to study yoga, breathing and meditation and got a 500-hour yoga teacher certificate.
(In India, in addition to yoga, I also learned singing bowls)
Yoga is a movement of mind-body interaction, as well as a date with oneself. When I calm down and do yoga, I feel very calm, very simple, I can only hear my own breathing. Yoga is like a mirror that allows me to see myself from the inside out, I hear my inner voice, and I understand my real needs.
Yoga is a kind of gentle caress of the body, but also the care of the heart, in the process of learning yoga, I learned to love myself, but also understand that a person can only love others if he loves himself. So, I let go of my hard work and found a balance between work, study, and life.
When I was studying yoga in India, I also made a lot of like-minded friends who shared with each other and encouraged each other, and I also climbed the Himalayas with these friends. Until now, we are still in touch.
(Standing on the top of the Himalayas, I was born again)
When we climbed the mountain, we set off in the middle of the night. In the dark, I followed everyone and climbed up step by step, but I didn't expect that I actually climbed to a height of more than 4,000 meters, and I also saw the sunrise at the top of the mountain. When I saw the sun burst out, I felt a sense of rebirth.
In the process of mountaineering, I suddenly understood a truth, there are many paths in life, and in the final analysis, there are only two: uphill and downhill. The uphill road is a good situation, as long as you are down-to-earth, every step is closer and closer to the dream, and the downhill road is adversity, even if you try your best, the result may not be satisfactory.
However, we cannot stay at the peak for a long time, nor can we always be at the trough, only with a calm and calm mind, can we calmly face the ups and downs of life.
(I became my true self during the journey)
In order to make it easier to recuperate, I decided to change the environment. I remember that when I graduated from middle school, in a rural primary school, the conditions were so poor, and I still lived a full and happy life, without depression or anxiety. I want to relive this kind of life.
So, I went to the Solomon Islands in the South Pacific to teach Chinese in a local school. It is one of the least developed countries in the world, poor and backward, where the majority of the population depends on fishing and farming for their livelihoods, and the national economy is dominated by farming, fishing and gold mining.
It has a tropical rainforest climate, which is very hot and humid, and earthquakes are frequent. The day after I went, there was an earthquake, and it was the first time I had encountered an earthquake, so I was so scared that I ran out into the street alone. However, when I was terrified, I stood on the street and thought that the security here was not good, and I was a foreign woman, and it was still very dangerous.
(I'm in the Solomon Islands)
At that time, because of the hot and humid climate there, I was not accustomed to the water and soil, and I had diarrhea. However, I was in a good mental state, I felt full of energy, and I felt like I had found my old self.
Here, I quickly met a lot of new friends, and every day was full and enjoyable. I also participated in some activities of the local Chinese to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival, and I also hosted the show in English. It's been a long time since I've experienced it, and I'm very happy.
Now, I'm back in Sweden. Not long ago, I moved from Stockholm, the capital city where I have always lived, to Gothenburg on the west coast, to teach my favorite psychology at a private high school. I hope to share what I have learned in psychology and my own life experience with more people.
(In the exercise I dropped everything)
In China, I went to a normal school, and my first career was as a teacher. So sometimes I feel like life has played a big joke on me, making me go around and around, all the way from the end to the beginning.
After all this, my mind has become more and more peaceful, I no longer dwell on the past, I am not worried about the future, I only cherish the present. We don't know which will come first, tomorrow or the accident, so let's live today first. Today, every day is the youngest day for the rest of my life, live hard, love with my heart, I believe that I will get better and better.
(Welcome to the protagonist of this article, "Hannah's Body, Mind and Soul Healing")
【口述：Hannah】
[Editor: Mo Shang Blossom]
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