Cheating can be described as the number one killer of marital relationships in today's society. For many couples who have been married for some years, even if they do not put cheating into action for the time being, with the deepening of the contradictions between the two parties and the indifference of emotions, there are probably not a few people who are ready to move in their hearts.
More and more people will find that on the one hand, they are becoming more and more unhappy in their marriage, and the idea of wanting to change partners comes up from time to time, but on the other hand, they can't help but blame themselves for being too immoral, why they are so unfaithful and always want to do that kind of despised thing.
Why do you always think about cheating when you get married? This is probably a lingering confusion in the hearts of many people today.
We have also seen many cases in life, both men and women, even if they are satisfied with their partners when they first enter marriage, they begin to look at each other all kinds of unpleasant eyes after getting along for a period of time, and they always do not let themselves down when they look at "other people's husbands" and "other people's wives". Those with a lower moral bottom line directly cheated on someone else, and those who have a thief's heart but no thief's courage are most likely to be ape-minded, yy......
There are very few people who don't even have a thief's heart, and who are consistently satisfied with their marriage, so golden sentences such as "marriage is the grave of love" are deeply rooted in the hearts of the people.
If you keep your eyes on the outside and always try to find the reason in your partner, you may never find the answer.
A partner who is ambitious and busy realizing his ideals all day long is bound to not have much time to accompany you, and if you suffer from neglect and loneliness many times, you may want to cheat;
A partner who only cares about his wife and children all day long, has no ambitions, but has a lot of time at home, but the tickets in his pocket and the car he takes are dwarfed by others, and you can't help but want to cheat;
A partner with a gentle temperament and obedience, you may dislike her for not having much ability, and will only rely on you to drag her feet;
A partner who is very capable and can solve problems independently, you will think that she is not feminine, like a man's wife......
You see, just like a coin always has a positive and negative side, if you enjoy the benefits of a person's A side, you will inevitably have to face the disadvantages of his B side.
The qualities you dislike about him/her may be what attracts you the most in the first place, and you want to find a perfect partner, which is an almost impossible goal in itself.
When marriage shines into reality, the illusion of marriage is disenchanted, some people are disappointed and painful, and they don't know what to do, and they can't help but play a little ninety-nine on the body of outsiders.
On the surface, there are thousands of reasons why you want to cheat.
Because you are greedy, and you want both;
Because you have a low moral bottom line, you will not restrain yourself;
Because you have strong desires, and the way to satisfy them is excessive......
And I think the core answer is:
Cheating is just an outward manifestation that cannot be reconciled with various internal conflicts, and it is impossible to integrate the complete self.
This has nothing to do with whether the partner is satisfactory or not, and it has nothing to do with the degree of temptation of the cheating partner, but only with the maturity of psychological development.
We all have inner conflicts, but if the mind does not develop to a certain level and integrate these conflicts to achieve physical and mental fulfillment, we can only achieve inner peace by hurting others and hurting ourselves.
These conflicts can be divided into the following categories.
01 Conflict between explicit and implicit needs
We enter marriage with anticipation, hoping that some of our needs will be met.
Some of the needs are the core needs that you value the most at the moment, and they are also obvious and can be easily identified by you, and you will naturally put them first in order to screen your partner.
For example, if you have limited earning power, you will prefer a partner with a good family background and high financial strength......
But when your explicit needs are met, when you have no food and clothing, you start to think about invisible needs: you want emotional value, you want the company of your partner......
Unfortunately, if a person can satisfy your explicit needs, his traits will often find it difficult to satisfy your invisible needs.
A career-minded partner naturally doesn't have much time and energy to focus on you, and when you can't have both, your heart will start to move.
In addition to these conflicts between explicit and implicit needs on the physical level, on the spiritual level, those conflicts are more insidious and intense.
A stable marriage is, to a certain extent, able to satisfy our need for security. Marriage and family build a safe house for our hearts, so that we have a place to go and someone to rely on.
But we are often attracted to adventure and passion, and this feeling of being the opposite of security will give us an adrenaline rush and let us experience the vitality of being alive.
So derailment has become a strong medicine against a stable and mediocre life, although derailment has a certain risk, but it is safe for personal safety and within the tolerable range, but the excitement brought by derailment is exciting.
No matter how good the relationship with the partner is, the daily marriage can be seen at a glance, and the relationship with the lover is full of uncertainty and challenges - I don't know if the two will be discovered, and I don't know what kind of ending they can go, and this uncertainty brings freshness and excitement.
These are as tempting as a lifesaver for people who are overwhelmed by the ordinary.
If the stability of your marriage comes at the cost of boredom and you can't integrate these inner conflicts, you are likely to go to the point of no return.
02 Conflict of desire and responsibility and obligation
Marriage requires certain responsibilities and obligations.
We enter into marriage with another person, we make a covenant, we make a commitment, we need to give for the family, we need to fulfill our responsibilities, and we need to restrain our desires.
In marriage, we need to put the money we earn into it and enjoy it together, and spend a lot of time and energy on serving the family and taking care of family members.
The hard-earned "pocket fee" of working in the company has very few falling into the pocket after paying the mortgage and car loan;
After a busy day at work, I was tired and dizzy, and when I got home, I had to clean up the messy room made by my children;
It's easy to take a vacation by working overtime for several days in a row, and while taking the children to tutoring classes, I look at other people's travel photos in the circle of friends......
And the responsibilities of marriage also imply bondage and taboos.
Once you enter marriage, no matter how beautiful the handsome guys and beauties are, you can only insulate yourself from yourself;
When you go out, the freedom to go back at what time you want at night, jump when you want, and drink when you want is gone;
After the salary was paid, the chic of buying bags, shoes, and game equipment for himself first as soon as his mind was hot, was gone......
Marriage brings many benefits and also castrates many desires. Those emasculated desires are the driving force of life, and we are born into the world to seek them.
If you can't balance your desires, too many responsibilities and obligations will make you overwhelmed, lose your sense of meaning, and only feel that you are a tool, and you will feel that "the world is not worth it".
But desires are inherently compatible with taboos, and the more taboo they are, the more likely they are to grow exponentially.
When there are cages everywhere in marriage, we will only yearn for the sky outside;
When the pressures of marriage and life are suffocating, we miss the air of freedom immensely......
There are too many "have to do", "must do", "do it for the sake of the family" in marriage, and extramarital affairs are "optional", "do it for yourself", "I want to do it".
This kind of pleasure of choosing purely to satisfy one's own selfish desires, although selfish, will bring people a sense of meaning, strength, and will make people feel that the hard work is worth it, and they are no longer just a tool person, but a living person with choices.
If you can't reconcile the conflict between obligations and desires in your marriage, the repression will become deeper and deeper, and the motivation to cheat will become stronger and stronger.
You mistakenly think that the price of marriage is to "get rid of human desires" and sacrifice your part as a "human", and you can't find any other way to freely use your "libido".
"Libido" in psychology refers to sexual kinetic energy, which generally refers to the pleasure of all body organs, which is the original driving force of a person's life, which is what we call self-desire.
The more it is suppressed and rebounded, only if you can face, acknowledge, and respect your desires, while fulfilling your marital responsibilities, moderately satisfy your desires, and at more levels, such as interests, career sublimation, Libido, so that responsibility and desire can reach a unity in your heart, and cheating can no longer be the only channel to release Libido.
03 The conflict between the shadow personality and the explicit personality
The conflict between the shadow personality and the explicit personality may seem a bit esoteric, but it can actually be seen everywhere in life.
For example, we are often attracted to a certain trait of our partner and dislike the shortcomings of this trait. We like his steadfastness and steadiness, but we also dislike his honesty;
I like his adventurous spirit, but I am also troubled by the risks he brings, and I like his straightforward frankness, but I also hate his "low emotional intelligence......
On the surface, it's that you want too much and are always picky. In fact, it is the "shortcomings" of the other party that inspire you to reject your own shadow personality.
Carl Jung, a Swiss personality psychologist, said: There must be shadows under the sun, and the personality traits we yearn for and admire actually reflect the likes and dislikes of our nurturers.
When you are very young, the beliefs of your nurturer will penetrate deep into your subconscious and affect your cognition.
When the nurturer always praises you for being industrious and motivated, diligence and self-motivation have become the goal of your efforts, that is, the social personality you show;
When the nurturer always criticizes you for being "lazy" and "unproductive", or shows contempt for these traits of other people, "lazy" and "unmotivated" become your shadow personality;
You don't allow yourself to show these qualities, and you don't like other people to have them.
However, deep down in each of us, there is a complete and rich ocean, we will have a hard-working side, and there will also be moments when we want to rest and want to lie down and be lazy. A person with a complete personality can accept the laziness of others, and even more so, accept his own laziness.
When you see your partner lying on the sofa playing with her mobile phone, not working or doing housework, the memories of being criticized and judged for being lazy in your childhood instantly emerge, and those traumas also pour down the floodgates.
"Why can't I rest, but you can't do nothing? I want to rest......
Your grievances erupt instantly, blurting out an accusation to the other party, "Why are you so lazy?" The more you look at him, the more unpleasant it becomes, and the more you feel that this person is full of shortcomings and useless.
But if you look inward, you will find that what you really dislike is that you have thoughts that you want to rest, and you are not used to seeing the other person's traits, which are all traits that you have yourself, but you dare not show and desperately suppress.
When you are able to integrate your social personality and shadow personality, you can allow yourself to be diligent and resting, brave and timid, gentle and fierce, impulsive and patient...... You will be able to understand and accept these so-called "shortcomings" of your partner.
If you can look inside yourself, you will find that when you are angry with your partner about resting, you are actually longing for rest. You'll be able to understand your own needs, shift your focus from asking for someone to satisfy yourself, and you'll no longer be staring at someone outside of marriage and easily attracted to someone outside of marriage.
There is no one else out there, only yourself.
All kinds of discord and contradictions in marriage can be answered in the heart.
If you can look at yourself, see the missing parts of your heart, understand the lessons you have to face in this life, integrate the pieces of the puzzle in your heart, and make your personality more complete, you will find that your life will be very different.
In the face of an imperfect marriage, you can afford to let go, and you no longer always think about cheating.
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This article was first published on the Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao, Zhang Yan
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