Author: Reincarnation (rich book author)
Do you have anyone around you who likes to talk like this:
"No, no, you don't know ......"
"No, no, no, no, I don't think you're right, that's not all, it's not all like that......"
That's right, this is the "bar spirit" around us.
In our lives, there are always some people who like to raise the bar, ignore the feelings of others, and love to speak quickly for a while.
No matter what others say, they can always find fault and refute a few words, which makes people angry and laughing.
Writer Su Qin once said: "Don't be the bar, you can't win, because in his narrow world, you are the absolute truth." ”
It is true that summer insects cannot speak of ice, well frogs cannot speak of the sea, and ordinary people cannot speak of the sea.
The lower the level of people, the easier it is to be trapped in the following 3 cognitive thinking, and you are destined to be unable to win against him no matter how you argue.
"Red Light Thinking":
Habitual rebuttal is the poison of thinking
Seeing an office "bar" in the circle of friends, it really makes people laugh and cry.
"I think the product poster design needs to be changed. ”
"I don't want you to think, I want me to feel. ”
"Then we have to talk about it again. ”
"I don't care what you think or do, I think it's good anyway. ”
There are always some such people around me who never accept the advice of others, and even if they hit the south wall, they must stick to their own opinions.
In psychology, this phenomenon is called "red-light thinking".
That is, to hear different points of view, not to think or judge, but to refute them directly.
People with a "red light mentality" always feel that they are right, refuse to accept new perspectives, and are unwilling to make changes.
Their minds are like installing red lights, resting on their laurels, laughing at themselves in their own world, and their horizons are getting narrower and narrower.
Dale Carnegie told this story in The Weakness of Human Nature:
Patrick O'Hare, a White Truck salesman, retorts to customers whenever they question the quality of their trucks, and he does win many times.
Each time he smirked and said, "I taught that guy a lesson." ”
But O'Hare forgot that he was a truck salesman, and the result of his retort was that not a single car could be sold.
He wins the client and loses himself.
Later, he met Carnegie, who told him to refrain from speaking and avoid verbal conflicts, and Mr. O'Haire decided to give it a try.
When another customer said: "The brand of White truck is not good, don't give it to me for nothing, let's buy another brand." ”
At this time, O'Haire will say: "That brand is really great, you can't go wrong to buy their car, the company is good, and the sales are first-class." ”
He found that the customer had nothing to say, and O'Hare immediately turned the conversation to the merits of White Trucks, and the communication with the customer became surprisingly smooth.
Arguments and counter-arguments do not reconcile the two sides, but only add fuel to the fire, and there is only one way to win the argument, and that is to avoid the argument.
As Benjamin Franklin said, "Debate and refutation may be won, but they will never win the favor of the other side." ”
A person's attitude towards doubts determines the level of his cognitive thinking.
Instead of arguing with others about winning or losing, wasting time and energy, it is better to improve yourself and improve your cognition.
The "Duck Effect":
The lower the cognition, the easier it is to argue
There is a passage in Gorky's "Ten Kopecks": "When the wise man is praised, he reflects on it, and when the fool is criticized, he refutes it every word." ”
A person's cognition determines his behavior, a wise person understands that there is a heaven outside the sky, and a person with poor knowledge sits on a well and watches the sky, and will rack his brains to argue with others that the sky is only the size of the wellhead.
People with different levels of cognition are not able to communicate at all.
I once saw a conversation between the writer Bao Pengshan and his friend: this friend said: "Children from single-parent families have violent tendencies. ”
Bao Pengshan said: "This is too absolute, Confucius and Lao Tzu were raised by their mothers, and their behavior was elegant. ”
Bao Peng also corrected his friend's arbitrariness from psychology to practical life, all aspects of knowledge and cases.
But the other party just insisted that single-parent family education is not good for children.
Bao Pengshan had no choice but to be silent.
The poorer a person's knowledge is, the more absolute what he believes, because he has not heard the opposite views at all.
The lower the cognition, the more arrogant people are, and they feel that they are always right and others are always wrong.
Appropriate refutation is communication and thinking, and habitual refutation of others must be a manifestation of ignorance.
There is a phenomenon in psychology called the "Duck effect", which is a phenomenon of cognitive bias.
That is to say, people with low cognition lack deep thinking when considering problems, are prone to draw wrong conclusions, and are unable to recognize their own wrong behavior.
People with a low cognitive level often feel that they are superior to others and have a sense of superiority.
Just like the gamers in Honor of Kings, the low-rank players of Bronze and Silver have a hot temper and love to scold and do not listen to other people's opinions, while the players of the high-rank of Diamond and King rarely appear to curse.
Elon Musk once said: "Everyone can only think at his cognitive level, and if someone says to me 2+2=12, I will say that you are completely right, and I will never argue." ”
If a person can speak well, it is good, but if he does not argue, it is great wisdom.
A person with a high level not only has the wisdom of not competing, but also has the bearing of being a person.
"Backfire Effect":
Rebuttal is instinct, restraint is ability
There is an important term in psychology called the "backfire effect", which tells us:
"When people encounter something that doesn't suit their ideas, they instinctively resist and consolidate their opinions. ”
In other words, refutation is actually a human instinctive desire, a kind of psychological defense.
One of the 16 psychological defense mechanisms of psychologist Sigmund Freud is: denial.
It refers to making others ignore the reality that they are unwilling to face, and trying to deny other people's views.
This is what we often call "habitual rebuttal", a defense mechanism that may bring short-term comfort to oneself, but using it in the long term will make one's problems worse.
I like this quote very much: "Habit is not a problem, and neither is rebuttal, but the two together are a big problem." ”
The greatest self-discipline of adults is to restrain their desire to refute.
There is a story about an eagle and a vulture in "Keiko Xiangliang": both the eagle and the vulture live in the desert and worry about finding food every day.
One day, the eagle decided to fly out of the desert, and he told the vulture what he thought.
But the vulture was unimpressed, and vehemently objected, telling him of the difficulties of flying out, and persuading the eagle to give up the idea as soon as possible.
The eagle wanted to explain something, but seeing the vulture's bent on convincing him, the eagle flew away without saying a word.
Later, the eagle finds a place where food is abundant, while the vulture is still worried about food.
If the eagle argues with the vulture, I am afraid that it will never fly out of the desert.
Instead of wasting time arguing with others, shut up and do your own thing.
Because, we can never convince a person who wants to convince themselves.
As Harvard University professor Julia Dahl said in her speech, "The only thing we can agree on is that we can't agree on anything." ”
In fact, everyone's view of things is a personal choice, and no one needs to convince anyone, just do their own thing.
We retort sentence by sentence, just to win each other, but in fact, what we are losing is our own life.
The more people who are able to restrain their desire to refute, the more successful they tend to be.
Schopenhauer once said, "The scope of a man's cognition is his world." ”
When you feel that the world is useless, you have been abandoned by the world.
What a person looks like when he grows up is probably this:
In the past, when I thought differently from others, I couldn't wait to grab each other's collars and talk for three days and three nights.
And now, if the other party can't understand, turn around and leave.
If we can accept others with an indifferent attitude, then our cognition has reached a new level.
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