Everyone is looking for an ideal model of relationships that allows us to share our lives with each other while maintaining a moderate distance and avoiding excessive intrusion.
The real answer lies not in the utter closeness or intimacy that we usually assume, but in a seemingly indifferent, but in fact subtle, "just the right amount of coldness".
Adler, a giant of psychology, once brilliantly pointed out:
All human troubles originate from interpersonal entanglements.
Indeed, the key to interpersonal communication lies in how to accurately grasp that subtle "degree".
It's like the trees in a forest, they can only flourish if they grow at the right distance.
As we enter middle age, those wise men who are at home in human relationships are already familiar with this, and they hold three invisible rulers in their hands:
Words are measured, communication is boundary, and actions are spared.
Having a certain amount of speech means that we need to know when to speak, when to be silent, and to stop at the point.
As the old saying goes:
Knife wounds are easy to heal, but bad words are hard to resolve.
It is true that a friendly word is like a warm cloth, wrapping people's hearts;
And a hurtful word is like a sharp blade, cutting emotions.
Take my friend Xiaoya, for example, who has a cheerful personality and once formed a strong friendship with a colleague, and the two talked about almost everything.
This colleague often leaks Xiaoya's privacy intentionally or unintentionally in front of others.
Whenever others praise Xiaoya's beauty, she will interject:
She's studying makeup every day.
When the leader praised Xiaoya's work efficiency, she quickly responded:
She just wants to get off work early to watch the show.
These words made Xiaoya feel uncomfortable in her heart.
Until a company party, everyone cared about Xiaoya's single status and enthusiastically introduced her boyfriend, and that colleague actually poked Xiaoya's pain points in public:
She has a very hot temper, and it is estimated that it is not easy to find a partner.
In an instant, Xiaoya fell into extreme embarrassment, and the relationship with that colleague gradually became estranged.
Words are invisible, but they can often cause profound harm.
Speech and demeanor are an art, a kind of wisdom, and an intuitive reflection of personal accomplishment.
Some people talk like a spring breeze, which makes people feel like a spring breeze;
Some people's words are like the frost of winter, and people avoid them.
Mr. Zhu Ziqing once wrote in "Silence":
Words should be like twinkling stars in the night sky, not firecrackers exploding on Chinese New Year's Eve – who doesn't know the hustle and bustle of the night?
This sentence reminds us that knowing when to speak and when to be silent not only reminds others, but also upholds their dignity.
Bounded communication requires us to draw an invisible line in our hearts, and we can be harmonious for a long time if we cross the line with each other.
In the Analects of Progress, there was a warning:
The beauty of a relationship lies in moderation, its mistake lies in its inadequacy, and its evil lies in excess.
On Zhihu, I once read such a story:
Ms. Lin is a freelance writer who has devoted her free time to writing during the pandemic stay-at-home, and her work has been well received and even reprinted on some well-known platforms.
Xiaoqin, a high school classmate who had not been in touch for a long time, took the initiative to learn writing from Ms. Lin.
Ms. Lin readily agreed, not only sharing her own writing materials, but also patiently answering Xiaoqin's various questions.
Xiaoqin gradually became overly dependent, often disturbing Ms. Lin late at night, asking her to help revise the article.
Although Ms. Lin did not explicitly refuse, she was quite dissatisfied in her heart.
When life returned to normal, Ms. Lin was busy with work and her recovery speed slowed down.
Xiaoqin actually insinuated against Ms. Lin in the circle of friends:
After writing a few good articles, I floated, and who did I show off with a high-minded look?
Ms. Lin was furious and blacked Xiaoqin and cut off contact from then on.
Sanmao once said:
Between friends, there is no deviation in proportion.
I thought that being close would enhance the relationship, but it turned out to be estranged.
According to a survey of interpersonal interactions, more than 90% of people said they had experienced a "lack of sense of proportion" when spending time with friends, with a whopping 76% believing that the phenomenon had a direct impact on friendships.
It can be seen that "bounded communication" is essential for maintaining interpersonal relationships.
Whether it's a loved one, a friend, or a stranger, we should respect our boundaries and neither stay nor too close to each other so as not to hurt each other.
Leaving room means that we should leave room for ourselves and others when we act, and we should not do things in a desperate way.
There is a thought-provoking sentence in "Wolf Totem":
Although wolves can be hunted, they must not be exterminated, otherwise the grassland will die and people and animals will not survive.
This is a profound statement that warns us to avoid extremes in our actions.
Historically, Tsang was known for his filial piety, and he firmly believed that it was a human norm to mourn his parents for three years.
His friend Li, however, left home to join the army when he had been mourning for less than three years.
Zeng Guofan was deeply shocked by this and sent a letter to dissuade his friends, believing that this move was contrary to filial piety.
Not long after, Zeng Guofan's mother died, and he received a call from the imperial court during the mourning period, ordering him to lead the army to quell the rebellion.
Faced with the dilemma that loyalty and filial piety were difficult to fulfill, Zeng Guofan, under the persuasion of relatives and friends, finally decided to put the country's interests first, end the mourning ahead of schedule, and lead the army to the battle.
This incident made Zeng Guofan deeply realize that he should not be too absolute, otherwise once the situation reverses in the future, it will only increase embarrassment and pain.
Du Fu Shiyun:
The clouds are like white clothes, and they turn into dogs in an instant.
Life is short, the world is impermanent, and what happens to others today may befall you tomorrow.
If you act too harshly, everything seems to be in order, but in fact, you may be hiding hidden dangers for yourself.
As the saying goes:
When the water is full, it overflows, and when the moon is full, it loses.
We should pursue moderation in our work, and avoid excessive pursuit of perfection, otherwise it will often backfire.
Leave room for others, but also leave room for maneuver for yourself, so that life can be more flexible, so that you can achieve stability and far-reaching reach the other side of the ideal.
The most comfortable mode of relationship between people is neither complete heart-to-heart nor intimate intimacy, but the seemingly cold, but in fact contains wisdom "just right".
By mastering the three rulers of verbal moderation, bounded communication, and residual behavior, we can sway freely on the stage of interpersonal communication, respect others, and protect ourselves, and ultimately achieve harmonious coexistence and make life better.