As the saying goes, "Everyone has a rod and scale in their heart." ”
When we pick up the scales and measure our parents, we will find that the person who is always treated poorly is always favored by other siblings.
We also stubbornly believe that parental partiality is the biggest internal friction in the family, and even turns against our parents and kills each other because of this.
Cao Cao at the end of the Eastern Han Dynasty relied on filial piety and honesty, and then became a hero in the Central Plains step by step.
The family is getting richer and higher, but the children are not buying it.
His son Cao Pi forced Cao Zhi to write "Seven Steps Poem": "The beans are burning under the kettle, and the beans are crying in the kettle." Born from the same root, why is it too anxious to fry each other?" has become the evidence of the relatives turning their faces.
Why is it that Xiao Xiong has no way to manage his family well, and he will also be eccentric? Looking at the following points, we will find the answer, and we will also know how to resolve the internal friction of eccentricity.
01
Look at the pattern: Parents' love for their children is often their own opinion.
"The pattern of parents, the end of children", we are very clear about this truth.
However, how big is the pattern of parents and whether they can support the life of their children will have to set a question mark.
Parents may be able to consider the way out for three generations, but they cannot know what society will look like in a hundred years. Those who can predict hundreds of years are mostly people in myths and stories, or people made up by later generations, which are not true.
Cao Cao was born in troubled times, he gained a foothold in the Central Plains, and he also desperately tried to unify the world, but he did not succeed. After the Battle of Chibi, I had to admit it.
In other words, Cao Cao's pattern has an upper limit.
How to love his children, Cao Cao has his own methods, trying to be filial to his father and son.
For example, his son Cao Chong found a small official who was scared because a rat had bitten the saddle. decisively showed Cao Cao the holes in his clothes, and said that rats were hateful.
Cao Cao got off the donkey, pardoned the dereliction of duty of the little official, and praised Cao Chong for being very kind.
Unfortunately, Cao Chong died when he was thirteen years old.
One day, Cao Cao saw that Cao Chong's friend Zhou Budo did not love Wu and Wu, but let him assassinate him. Cao Pi interceded for him, but Cao Cao was indifferent.
Speaking of Cao Cao, we will think of one of his famous sayings: "I'd rather bear the people of the world than let the people of the world bear me." ”
It is very obvious that Cao Cao, as a father, sees problems more from his own point of view, and less from the perspective of his children.
Even in many ways, communication between parents and children is insufficient. Especially when the children are young, the parents are condescending, thinking that the children are not sensible, and it is enough to obey the arrangements of the parents.
Children obey their parents again and again, so their demands are not met, and they think that their parents do not love them.
02
Caring for the family: Parents have only one main business, and cannot take care of all their children.
Cao Cao's family business is very large, but there is only one person who can lead the family business.
As the ancients said: "There are a thousand people in a family, and there is one person in charge." ”
How to choose the successor to the throne is a troublesome matter for many families.
The ancients coined the saying of "sister-in-law", which is to guide everyone to form a consensus and give the family business to the son-in-law.
But is my sister-in-law a capable person? Not necessarily.
When the son-in-law is weak and incompetent, or dies early, who will take care of the family business? This is a very nerve-wracking thing for parents.
At the beginning, Cao Cao was ready to give up his position to his son Cao Ang. However, Cao Ang died unexpectedly during the battle.
Then, Cao Cao thought that Cao Pi and Cao Zhi were very good. This also triggered the internal friction of the two sons competing for the position.
Cao Cao thought that Cao Zhi was talented and superior. But Cao Zhi later lived a luxurious life and did not pay attention to the rules, which made Cao Cao very disappointed.
When Cao Pi fought many times and made meritorious contributions, Cao Cao determined that he was the heir. At the same time, Cao Zhi was very sad and even used wine to drown his sorrows.
Of course, Cao Cao had other children, but none of them were among the reserve candidates to inherit the family business.
Parents have a hard time. It is not possible to divide the family inheritance into many parts to satisfy all the children. Parents know that if the family business is separated, they may be defeated.
Nowadays, our parents are also facing the situation of family business.
My parents only have a house, an orchard, a big tree and a well at the door, and a cow and a jade pendant at home...... It seems unfair to anyone.
A family with children that looks perfect. But when he takes care of his son's wife, he can't take care of his daughter's marriage, and even uses the money from his daughter's marriage to give his son a wife. It's all a hidden pain in the family.
03
Look at human nature: Parents can also be selfish and greedy, which makes their children very uncomfortable.
Cao Cao had more than a dozen wives and concubines, most of whom had children.
As the saying goes, "Three women in one play." "These dozen women, the drama is so difficult to sing.
Every woman thinks more about her children and thinks that she wants her children to inherit the family business. Cao Cao was indeed worried.
Mrs. Liu, who has a child Cao Ang, was raised by Cao Cao's original wife Ding. Cao Cao, at Ding's suggestion, doted on Cao Ang very much, but Cao Ang died unexpectedly.
Ding lost his adopted son and quarreled with Cao Cao, so he ran away from home.
Having lost the Ding family, Cao Cao made Mrs. Bian the main room. Mrs. Bian gave birth to Cao Pi, Cao Zhang, Cao Zhi, and Cao Xiong, which son should be designated as the heir, Mrs. Bian had an opinion, and Cao Cao had to listen.
Because Cao Cao has a group of wives and concubines, and the wives and concubines are selfish, their children cannot enjoy fair treatment. It is inevitable to favor one over the other.
In today's monogamous world, there is no such thing as several women singing together, but fathers and mothers have their own selfishness, and they cannot be completely reconciled.
The person that the father likes is not necessarily liked by the mother, and the mother may have a quarrel with whoever the father gives money in private. And vice versa.
Perhaps, parents are very selfish and take all the money and turn it into their own pension money, so that all their children are indignant.
Perhaps, when the parents are old, they force a certain child to give money to support the elderly, and other children are watching the excitement from the sidelines. Children who support their parents feel very uncomfortable.
"Historical Records" said: "The world is bustling for profit, and the world is bustling for profit." ”
Under the interests, the parents have their own selfish intentions, the children also have selfish intentions, and everyone is greedy, then it will definitely break the psychological balance.
04
In order to keep the family, Cao Cao issued the "Zhu'er Order": "Not only do not private ministers, but his son also does not want to be selfish." ”
Parents put their hearts and lungs into the hope that their children will have a better life, but their children do not appreciate it, and fighting is inevitable.
No matter how good the family education is, no matter how good the parents are, they will not satisfy their children.
Since partiality exists objectively, we must face it positively and learn to resolve internal contradictions.
First, learn to rely on yourself, not on your parents' background, independent people, the best.
Second, reduce the interaction between siblings, keep their distance, and be well.
Third, filial piety is not better than brother, do your best to be good to your parents, don't ask other brothers and sisters what they give their parents.
Fourth, don't turn over old accounts, learn to forget, lead your small family, and move forward.
We all look forward to family harmony, but the love between relatives cannot really achieve "half a catty to eight taels", and can only achieve "the chest is not as wide as the city and the world".
Author: Cloth Clothes Coarse Food.
Follow my words and go into your heart.
The pictures in the article come from the Internet.