When many cheaters return to the family, they like to recall the common experience with the third party, the words and deeds of the third party, the personality of the third party and many other factors, resulting in thinking that they are deeply affectionate and unable to give up.
So I took frequent memorials, and after I had decided to return to the family, I still couldn't control my emotional backlash to the highest point, repeatedly recalled my extramarital feelings, and enjoyed the excitement, haze and ambiguity.
If you want to understand this complex emotional and emotional entanglement, you must first clarify, what are the specific factors that cannot be let go?
Is it that you can't let go of the future life of a third party, or can't you let go of your past emotional bets?
Is it because you can't let go of your hazy feelings and experiences, or is it because of emotional pull and loss aversion?
Or is it a pity that you can't profit both sides of the marriage and marriage?
In fact, everyone experiences withdrawal at the end of a relationship.
The memory of the extramarital affair that I miss when I am in a state of desensitization has been changed by my inner withdrawal reaction, and the image of the so-called "third person" has gone through the process of creating filters and supplementing fantasies.
In other words, this inseparable emotion and affection is actually quite watery.
Many people will subconsciously add luster to their emotions, claiming to be affectionate, affectionate, and so on. In fact, the narcissistic projection of human nature in the subconscious will produce a "simulated affection" psychology for people and things that have been lost.
This psychological process of "false affection" often involves "psychological presuppositions", that is, unconsciously beautifying memories and experiences, which is also the so-called affectionate and uncontrollable falsehood -
Immersive nostalgia is almost cost-free, and the actual loss in life is minimal, but "false emotions" can alleviate one's guilt, indulge in filter memories, and make up for regret.
But as a simple example, you will find that once the emotional factors such as "can't let go" and "reluctance" are separated from the psychological level and linked to the real reality, the entangled and repeated emotional difficulties are extremely easy to be broken by the reality factors.
If you give the psychology of "can't let go", add a condition that really involves reality:
Assuming that every time you feel the emotion that you can't let go, it will cause cost factors such as loss of money and career decline, such as losing one million and reducing your life span by ten years, then this "simulated affection" will quickly break down, and even produce a fear of the future, and the withdrawal process of extramarital affairs seems extremely easy.
To sum up: the emotional changes after the end of the extramarital affair, and even the extramarital affair itself, are important because the practical cost is not obvious, and the psychological cost is not enough.
At the perceptual level, the loss and feedback of emotions and emotions are often hidden and more difficult to be controlled by humans.
Therefore, if you really want to return to your family, you don't have to fall into constant review and memories many times, and label yourself as "valuing love and righteousness".
The first thing to do is to link reason from the emotional level, turn off the psychological filter of the third party, don't hint at yourself, and don't oversublimate the feelings and meaning of extramarital affairs.
Achieve unity from the rational level, the unity of words and deeds, and the unity of knowledge and action.
In other words, don't misunderstand yourself, don't overestimate your emotional concentration too early, and truly realize the withdrawal process of your feelings, the peak experience of extramarital affairs is only applicable to a special atmosphere and environment, and does not have any continuity.
01 Break the memory beautification psychology and start to cut off from the source of memory of extramarital affairs
The coercive measure of getting rid of divorce and extra-romantic affairs is not just about cutting off the real relationship
It is more necessary to realize from the subjective level that in the process of subconscious memory withdrawal, the emotional source of this "can't let go" is not love, not a third party, and more factors include memory beautification and regret complex.
From the perspective of psychology, the fundamental reason why memories with special factors such as stimulation and freshness have a long-term impact is that human memory itself inadvertently transforms past experiences in a way that we can accept.
That is, in the process of recalling the extramarital affair and the image of a third party, the memory will also deceive you in some rationalized way, such as:
1. Exaggerate or highlight the mood swings in an extramarital affair and imply yourself.
2. Beautify and sublimate the image of both parties in memory, shape each other, and deceive oneself.
3. Rationalize one's behavior in an extramarital affair, such as breaking the world, etc.
4. Idealize the feelings and concepts of extramarital affairs, and immerse yourself in memory fantasies.
5. Lenovo the future, complement the image of both parties, etc.
If you want to really stop your emotions towards a third party, you must be aware of the memory traps generated by the above subconscious!
A large part of all the above tangled feelings is a joke made by remembering according to your current mood, and its role is only to assist you in positive memory in this way, and the whole process does not have any emotional factors, let alone love.
In other words, after you actually return to your family life, it is the illusion of the mind that repeatedly immerses yourself in memories, because memories will also process and reshape past extramarital affair experiences in the form of pleasing you.
Memory tampering also rationalizes cognition, and in your current cognitive state, if you have an impression filter on someone now, then you will not remember what that person has done, what conflicts and contradictions there are.
At this time, your memory will prove your opinions and attitudes in various ways, even if it is out of nothing, it will create an image that is in line with your current idealization.
For example, when you feel that life is not going well and your marriage is boring, memories begin to push the excitement of past extramarital affairs, even if the common experience is also featureless and unremarkable;
When you feel powerless in life and lack strength in your heart, your memory keeps flashing with the image of an idealized "third person" who is gentle and virtuous, and who is confidant, even if she does not have this kind of character.
These are part of the nerves of the memory group, a means of mobilizing your emotional hormones and thus keeping your body functioning.
Even if the feelings of the extramarital affair you experience are real, and the image of a third party is concrete, there is already a considerable deviation from your own real life.
And your own understanding of extramarital affairs, including third parties, will also change with memory tampering and autosuggestion, resulting in emotions and perceptual cognitions that cannot be let go, and concepts that cannot be separated and inseparable. In fact, it is also a dependence on memory.
To sum up, the key to solving the problem is to unravel the root cause of emotional backlash at the memory level, break free from the closed loop of recalling, sinking, beautifying, and sublimating extramarital affairs and the feelings of a third party, and realize the falsehood of "simulated affection" and "regret complex".
02 End the psychology of "simulated affection" and return to the real world to create an ideal marriage
If you can't let go of this kind of emotion, you must rely on the events in your memory, in this process, memory can amplify your own feelings, and the prominence of emotions and emotions is stronger, so "simulated affection" is to replicate the emotional experience of extramarital affairs.
However, from a realistic and objective point of view, a person is detached from the superposition and supplement of his own imagination, and many behaviors in extramarital relationships are actually just the process of completing self-emotional catharsis and filling vitality by releasing emotions.
01 One of the false proofs of "simulated affection": you allow your heart to "perform" affection
This requires focusing on real life and stopping beautifying and projecting idealized emotional memories.
In many cases, what people recall on the emotional level is the stimulating scene or new feeling of the extramarital emotional experience, and it is difficult to completely apply it to the third party itself.
The psychological state of not being able to let go, in fact, is to always focus on one's own feelings and experiences, and to be deeply immersed in the experience and unwilling to look back, resulting in emotional fluctuations, entanglement and pulling. In other words, before the emotions that cannot be let go appear in the mind, they must be evaluated by the present heart and expressed through "recalling the situation-evaluation-emotion". People will have different emotional experiences about their memories and experiences according to the current evaluation: if the results of the assessment are harmful to them, they will have negative experiences, and vice versa, they will have positive experiences.
For example, the mental process that produces the emotion of "can't let go" is as follows:
At the moment, I feel that everything is not going well ➡ in my life because of a special scene or object, which triggers my memory ➡, brain secondary processing, tampering with memory, adding a beautifying filter ➡ of memory, re-reviewing, evaluating the extramarital affair experience and the image ➡ of a third party, and concluding: She is very good, the extramarital affair is very warm, ➡ I can't let go/heavy feelings/too affectionate
And the psychological process of completely isolating the influence of extramarital affairs and truly returning to the family is as follows:
At the moment, I feel that life is back on track, and marital happiness ➡ is because of a special scene or object, which triggers my own memory ➡ to restore the memory of extramarital affairs, and the beautification ➡ of disenchantment memories revisites, evaluates extramarital affair experiences and third-party images ➡, and concludes: It is my passion for a while, and the extramarital affair is a mistake ➡ to stop losses in time
Did you find out?
Whether it is nostalgia or disgust, regret or chagrin, only the first and second links of the whole simulated psychological process are real in real life, and the evaluation of extramarital affairs and third parties is actually closely related to your own current real life and psychological state.
In other words, your concern, reluctance, entanglement, and pain are all the processes you are allowing, your own memories and inner performances of affection, not that you can't stop emotional distress, but that your own subconscious doesn't want to stop at all.
Maybe you think you're not doing well, or maybe you've lost your sweet emotions, but as long as you still have luck and fantasies, the impact of extramarital affairs will continue to affect real life.
The solution, of course, is also to start from the real life, when you live better and have a more intimate relationship with your marriage, the extramarital affair is just an episode, and it will disperse like a cloud.
02 False proof of "simulated affection" No. 2: You are unwilling to let go of idealized fantasies
This requires a real confronting of "emotional loss" and the real world.
Extramarital affairs also belong to the supplement of emotional life and life adjustment, without this seasoning, the inner habitual emotional pattern will definitely change, and the emotions that are reluctant and unable to let go are actually a disguised reflection of a psychology:
For extramarital affairs and third parties, it falls into idealized imagery.
Idealized intention refers to the fact that a person retains a perfect fantasy about the future and about himself after detaching himself from the real world at the inner level.
And the end of an extramarital affair is to break the boundary between reality and imagination, and let you face the sharp blade of marriage, family, and real life, so you can't accept that there is a difference between real life and your imaginary life.
For example, why falling into the "can't let go" mood for a long time is actually a kind of psychology to escape from marriage and reality:
For example, a person's ideal is to live a happy, energetic and interesting life, and have some lovers who fit their ideal image, spend a good life, and thus enter into a relationship.
The idealized intention is to brainwash oneself and put pressure on oneself when one realizes that one cannot have this state of life, thinking that marriage in reality is painful and boring, so as to assume a perfect family state in one's mind, and thus transfer to extramarital affairs and third parties.
Therefore, what can't be let go of is not a third party or a certain emotion, but a channel to escape reality and find an idealized life.
What really needs to be addressed is not complex emotions.
The fundamental reason is that he lacks control and creativity over his love life and married life, that is, he completely gives up his "ideal feelings" and immerses himself in "idealized intentions" to escape from reality.
Therefore, the best solution is to face your ideal marriage and create it in reality, and shift the object of idealized intention away from the wrong extramarital relationship and a third party. Pay more attention to your partner, and gradually you will find that this projection can also be presented to your wife, such as:
You think that a third person has a certain behavior that is endearing, perhaps an idealized personality trait of yourself;
Then pay attention to your wife, many words and deeds that you ignore also hide these character traits, you can transfer the ideal personality from a third party to your wife.
You think that the third person has experienced something indelible with you, perhaps it is the plot of your own idealized intentions;
Then take your wife to do the romantic thing again, and maybe you will find that the ideal partner is actually your wife.
Similarly, every time you think of a special heart-warming moment of a third party, don't rush to beautify your memory and sink emotionally, pay more attention to your partner, maybe there are more charming moments on her.
Remove the idealized expectation from the third person, and you will find that without this fantasy and filter that exists in your heart, the third person is just an ordinary person.
The most important thing to do is not to escape from the real marriage, escape from the real world, escape from those ideal lives that you are unable to change and realize, but to get out of the fantasy, truly return to the family, and create your own ideal marriage with your wife.
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This article was first published on the Zhihu platform: Chen Man, Wang Xiao, Zhang Yan
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