01
The family destroys the child's intrinsic motivation to learn
Root causes
When our children have some difficulties in learning, for example, they start to get bored with school and start to not want to go to school.
When many parents come to me, they say
It is that the teacher assigns too much homework, and the teacher punishes the child too harshly;
The school manages the children, and the management of the children has no freedom, which is too restrictive;
There are also problems with the education system, and this kind of learning for the purpose of the college entrance examination is subject to many restrictions for children.
The reason why children are reluctant to learn is attributed to many of these external environments.
Family is the root cause of destroying a child's intrinsic motivation to learn
Whether it is a school, a teacher, or an education system, it is actually an external reason.
If the child feels uncomfortable in these environments, it will of course have some negative effects on the child.
But this negative effect is the "last straw" that breaks the camel's back, and it is not the root cause.
What is the root cause?
I can tell you here with a little heartache:
When a child's inner learning force is broken, the root cause is usually in the parents.
Why does it hurt a little when I say this?
Because as parents, we feel that we have given so much for our children and love them so much, but our children's problems and symptoms are related to ourselves, and we are very unwilling.
I also feel sorry for my parents, but for the sake of our child's healthy growth and normal development of his studies, I still want to tell you the truth.
So why does the destruction of children's internal motivation for learning have an important impact on the family?
Because family is one of the most important links in a child's survival and life.
For example, farmers raise seedlings indoors, control the temperature, humidity, and nutrients, and then transplant them outside.
Then we raise children in the same way, the home is equivalent to our indoor seedling process.
If we grow a seedling indoors that is very strong and healthy, we move it outside, and it will continue to grow strongly;
However, if the seedlings do not grow well indoors, they grow crooked and unhealthy, and it is very easy to die if they are moved outside.
That's why I say that family is an important root cause and environment for children's growth and internal motivation for children's learning.
02
What the parents did
It can destroy the child's intrinsic motivation
First, the high requirements of parents
What do you mean by high demand?
When a child starts learning from an early age, we have high expectations for him.
For example, how many points to get in each subject, how many people to take the test, and not to deviate from the subject.
Some parents will say to their children:
"The exam is so bad, why do you still have the face to go out and play? Get your grades up first!"
These demanding children listen slowly, and he will internalize them.
What is internalization?
Parents say every day that if they keep typing, their children will believe it.
The high demands of parents become the high demands of children on themselves.
Slowly, parents find that they don't have to be very demanding of their children, and their children are very demanding of themselves and require themselves to get high scores.
At this time, parents are very happy and will show off to others:
"You see my child doesn't have to worry about him, he can manage his own studies, he can't get a high score in the exam, just cry, we don't have to worry about it. 」
But in fact, there is a mine buried here.
When children are in the lower grades of primary school, it is very easy to get high grades.
At that time, there were few subjects and knowledge was relatively simple, and it was easy for him to get high marks with a little effort.
But over time, the higher the grade, the harder it is to achieve good grades.
Because knowledge has become more difficult, there are more subjects, and it is really difficult to excel in every subject.
Sometimes the teacher criticizes and asks the child why he is falling behind in his grades.
If your child feels that there is a big gap between his grades and his expectations, he will lose confidence in himself and will be disappointed in himself.
Because he has high requirements for himself, but he doesn't know that these high requirements are given to him by his parents, and he has internalized them.
So when he has high demands, no matter how hard he tries, he can't reach perfection, he feels that he is so bad.
In fact, it doesn't necessarily mean that his studies are so bad, but compared with his previous glory days, this sense of gap makes him very prone to a sense of collapse and easy to retreat.
There is also excessive praise and exaltation.
Some parents do not have direct high requirements for their children, but a kind of "killing".
I often tell my children that you are very good, others are not as good as you, as long as you work hard, you will definitely get what kind of university you can get into, and what kind of height you can reach.
Praise and praise the child all the time, which creates a "disguised control" over the child.
Children are not allowed to do badly on their own, in fact, the result is the same as high demand.
When he doesn't do well, he will have a sense of disparity, he will collapse, and his inner motivation will be lost.
2. Parents are too controlling
Too much control is common and often overlooked.
Too controlling, mainly for the learning aspect,
As children get older and the grades get higher and higher, we should be more and more hands-off about our children's learning.
However, many parents still want to care more about their children and want their children's grades not to drop, so they will always grasp the right to manage their children's learning and be more serious than teachers.
For example, accompany homework, check homework, and complete punching in the group.
In the child's heart, he will feel that "his parents are in charge of so much, and learning seems to be his parents' business, and it has nothing to do with him." 」
Originally, there may be some difficulties and challenges in learning, but parents rushed to the front and coped with these difficulties and challenges.
When the child becomes the rear, he can be lazy, he can be less responsible, which will lead to a decrease or loss of his inner motivation.
At the same time, if the parents are too controlling, the child will feel that the parents are indeed very powerful, and the parents can do anything.
I'm really a little stupid, not as good as my parents.
This creates a kind of withdrawal, both behaviorally and psychologically.
Therefore, I often tell my parents in counseling:
If we appear too capable and too smart in front of our children, it may be an obstacle to their development.
In social work, everyone can go it alone and move forward, which is a very good thing.
But in front of our children, we may have to retreat sometimes, pretend to be stupid and stupid.
Third, too much negation and criticism
Parents see that their children can't learn well and can't learn, and sometimes it is really difficult to suppress that anger.
Because we are also human beings, we also have seven emotions and six desires, and we can't hold them.
When we can't help but criticize our children, we will say careless, inattentive, unmotivated, short-circuited brains or even some abusive words.
If we talk too much, this kind of criticism and negativity will also internalize the child.
Children will turn their parents' criticism and negation into criticism of themselves, and thus become inferior and have no self-confidence.
One of my visitors, a boy in his first year of junior high school, had taken a break from school and was at home, and one day he talked about his troubles.
He said that when he was in school, he felt that he couldn't concentrate, couldn't sit still with homework, and seemed to have ADHD.
After the interview, I found out that he said that his lack of concentration was actually the result of internalization.
When he writes his homework, he may be tired of writing, so he wants to play for a while, and wants to change his mind before writing.
Parents would say that he couldn't concentrate and couldn't sit still.
His parents often said that he identified with his parents and felt that he was indeed such a person who was inattentive.
At that time, I asked him a question, how long can you play a mobile game?
He said it was a long time, sometimes for two or three hours, sitting there in the morning or in the afternoon, and maybe going to the toilet in between.
I said you can play for so long without moving, isn't it very concentrated?
The child was surprised to realize that perhaps it was not what his parents said he was.
Secondly, no matter who is denied and criticized, they are unhappy.
As soon as the child learns, we criticize and deny.
Then the child associates learning with a bad mood.
As soon as he studied, he thought that his parents would scold and criticize, and he was unhappy when he thought about it, which was a subtle result.
Fourth, beating and scolding violence
When the child is young, if the parents are always beating and scolding and violent, the child will tremble at home and observe the words.
Because as soon as his parents have this violent emotion, he has to react, he has to make a plan in his heart, and he has no sense of security, and he doesn't know when his parents will get angry.
When he went to school, he had to look at his teachers and classmates, trembling, and he had a lot of worries in his heart, and it was difficult to trust others.
If someone else says something casually, he will think about himself, and if someone else is a little unhappy, he will be very afraid.
As a result, it is difficult for him to deal with his relationships with teachers and classmates, which will further affect his schooling.
Therefore, if you beat and scold a child violently, it will make him feel insecure, he will retreat, and it will affect his motivation to learn.
Fifth, the relationship between husband and wife is not good
Parents may have some conflicts, and some are even facing divorce or breakup.
Some parents will tell me that we don't quarrel in front of our children, and we are very harmonious in front of our children.
But the child is very intelligent, his awareness is very strong, he is able to see our relationship.
It's like a small boat in a stormy sea, and there is a threat of capsizing at any moment, he can feel it.
This involves the subconscious, a kind of consciousness that may not even be aware of it.
The child's subconscious thinks that the family is his harbor and his safe haven, so he feels that he has the responsibility to maintain the safety and stability of the family.
The child is so young, how can he maintain the safety and stability of the family?
Some children subconsciously feel that the relationship between their parents is not good, and they will draw the attention of their parents to themselves.
We found that when a child is sick, there are fewer fights and fewer fights from parents, and they work together to get their children back to health.
Some children subconsciously choose to have problems with their studies. For example, if you are tired of school and don't want to go to school.
The parents' reaction is the same when they suspend school, they will also unite as one, put the conflict down for the time being, and unite to deal with the problem of their children's learning.