Psychologist Adler once said:
"All human troubles originate from human relationships. ”
In life, we always inevitably shuttle through the world, and rush to interpersonal communication.
Sometimes, we are troubled by bad relationships;
Sometimes we find joy in comfortable relationships.
Slowly, we will find that:
It turns out that every comfortable relationship conforms to the "Twenty-Eight Law".
01
Eight points of respect, two points of advice
The Irish writer Robert Lind once said, "Friendship never endures long and frequent advice." ”
But in reality, we often meet friends who are "good teachers", who like to use their own life experience to guide the lives of others.
But he neglected that there is no relationship in the world that will become more intimate because of advice.
Imposing one's own will on others will only allow the relationship to gradually cool.
There is such a plot in the TV series "Female Psychologist":
Lily was going on a date with her new boyfriend, and when her best friend Horton unexpectedly learned about it, she said bitterly:
"It's good that you're in love, but I'm afraid you'll act impulsively. ”
"I hope you can think clearly, do you know the other person's personality?"
"Material conditions are very important, but does he really like you, will he be responsible for you? ”
After saying this, Horton didn't notice Lily's displeasure in the slightest.
She didn't know that the reason why Lily was hiding it from her was because she didn't want to listen to her "savior" advice.
Despite Horton's good intentions, it sounded to Lily to be criticizing her.
In fact, life is like drinking water, and the warmth and coldness depend on self-knowledge.
We can give advice to our friends, but we can't impose advice on others.
Because in the heart of every adult, there is a ruler of his own to measure everything in the world.
As the saying goes: "There is a room for intimacy, and familiarity is not excessive." ”
No matter how good a friend is, you also need to leave room for respect.
Forcibly rubbing one's own mind into the lives of others is like an invisible disaster.
A good relationship is not something that is suggested, but even if there are thousands of different opinions, they will only point to the end, leaving room for the other party to make their own decisions.
Friendship of mutual respect can last for a long time under the precipitation of the years.
02
Eight points to pay, two points to leave blank
Writer Su Qin once said:
"A really good love is effortless, there is no need to deliberately please, and the two people are already comfortable with the flow.
If a relationship, a person, requires you to spend a lot of energy to please you, you are doomed. ”
It reminds me of a short video I watched.
In the morning, while the wife was preparing breakfast in the kitchen, the husband was changing clothes and accusing his wife: "Why don't you wake me up? Do you want me to be late and have my salary deducted?"
He didn't know that his wife was actually afraid that he would be tired and wanted him to sleep more.
At noon, the wife rode an electric car for nearly an hour under the scorching sun to deliver lunch to her husband.
The husband, who had taken the meal, didn't even say thank you and went straight back to the office.
In the evening, the husband nests on the sofa after work, eats fruit while playing games, and issues "remote commands" from time to time:
"Wife, help me get the charger. ”
It seems that in his eyes, he is always the most tired, and his wife is an iron man who will never fall.
In a Chinese-style marriage, the wife always tries her best to cater to her husband, eager to exchange her own efforts for a little sincerity and care.
As everyone knows, excessive giving will only promote greed, and only by properly letting go of part of the responsibility can we get the consideration of the other party.
In "Dear Yourself", the marriage of Liu Yang and Zhang Zhizhi is also emotional.
Both of them originally had their own careers, but in order to take care of their families, Zhizhi took the initiative to transfer to an idle and low-paying position.
Outside of work, Zhizhi puts more time and energy into her family.
She is personally responsible for her husband's diet and daily life, and the education and learning of her children.
thought that she was willing to dedicate herself in exchange for her husband's love and love, but what was actually waiting for her was her husband's indifference and cheating.
This blow made Zhizhi fall to the bottom of her life.
After learning from the pain, Zhizhi withdrew from the family, returned to the sales position, and relied on her perseverance and good work ability, and quickly achieved results.
Soon after, Zhizhi was hired by another company as a sales director.
At this time, Liu Yang finally realized his mistake and made a request to Zhizhi to reunite.
There is a saying:
"In marriage, everyone has to give, and at the same time they have to get something back, this is the law of supply and demand. ”
If you only rely on selfless giving to satisfy the other party, the relationship will often go downhill.
Only by giving and reaping the thoughtfulness of the other party can the marriage achieve a dynamic balance and get better and better.
A truly smart person will never do everything to please others, but can grasp the scale and achieve eight points of pay and two points of blankness.
Because they know that they are immersed in a sense of giving, and they cannot exchange it for the other party's love;
Only with enough white space can the other party pay attention.
The flowers are half-bloomed and the most beautiful, and the blank is the strongest.
Learn to cut down on pay, and the relationship can be fulfilled.
03
Eight points of understanding, two points of self
Have you ever had an experience like this:
Times have changed, and elderly parents will be embarrassed to ask you how to post on Moments;
When the weather is cold, your parents from thousands of miles away will call you and tell you to wear more clothes;
When you go home for the Chinese New Year, your parents, who have worked hard all their lives, don't forget to stuff your bags with some food.
You, on the other hand, often reply impatiently:
"Alright, got it. ”
"You can buy these from outside. ”
"It's okay, hang up. ”
……
Our parents were careful to curry favor, but we turned a deaf ear and chose to avoid it.
I've heard a famous saying about love: "If you like someone, you will be down to the dust." ”
This sentence is also appropriate to describe family affection.
Douban netizens shared a story.
After graduating from university, Xiao Li has a high-paying job in a big city.
However, her mother always persuaded her to take the civil service exam, saying that it was more important for girls to have an iron job than anything else.
Xiao Li disagreed with his mother very much, and each time he ended his trip home with resistance and quarrels.
Until one time when she came home for the Chinese New Year, her mother asked her with joy in her eyes:
"Nan, a few days ago, I bought a bottle of 'white to black' shampoo in the circle of friends, can you help me see if my hair is a lot darker?"
She was about to expose the fact that her mother had been deceived, but when she saw her mother's gray hair, her throat suddenly choked.
At that moment, she realized: there was nothing wrong with her mother, she was just old.
The iron rice bowl theory in the mouth of the fathers, although it is out of place, the love behind it will never go out of style.
We who work hard outside always hide our edge, but when we return to our parents, we are extremely self-conscious.
We finished our temper and won the reason, but we also broke the hearts of our parents.
The concept of parents may be old-fashioned and pedantic, but it is the imprint given to them by the past era.
They have experienced the ups and downs of the times, so I hope that we can live a stable life;
They have been stolen by the years, but they still yearn to stand side by side with us.
But no matter how things change, the bond between parents and children will never fade.
And comfortable family affection often can't escape the "28 law":
Show two parts of yourself, to respond to the deep affection of your parents, to express your truest self to them;
Pay eight points of understanding, to understand the fragility of parents, and fulfill their hearts of love for their children.
▽
I like a quote:
"There is a degree in life, mistakes are in the inadequacy, the bad is excessive, and the good is in moderation. ”
Whether it is friendship or love, or family affection, we must grasp the balance when getting along.
Maybe everyone wants to have a "mountain and flowing water"-style bosom friend, a perfect lover, and a parent who keeps pace with the times.
However, there are many things in the world, and not everything will be as people want.
People who are truly wise and harmonious never expect everything to go well, but know how to use the "Twenty-Eight Law" to manage a comfortable relationship.
Eight points of respect and two points of suggestion, in order to seek common ground while reserving differences, friendship will always exist.
Eight points of pay, two points of blank, in order to help each other to old age, full of joy.
Eight points of understanding, two points of self, in order to be warm and harmonious, family happiness.