Why do children love to hear these 4 truths? Many parents never say (absolutely dry)

Author: The main creative group, pig mother

The thinker Rousseau said that there are three ways of education in the world that are the most useless: reasoning, tantrums, and deliberately moving.

"Reasonableness" ranks first.

Many parents have also experienced that sometimes, no matter how one thing is told to their child, he will go in the left ear and out the right ear, as if the more reasonable, the more rebellious he is.

In the end, it was clear that the child had made a mistake, and we trembled:

Oh, oh, it seems like it's too much, and if you don't say it, oh my God, it's really uncomfortable.

Let's talk about it, it seems to deprive him of the opportunity to explore and experience; if you don't talk about it, are you really waiting for him to try and make mistakes one by one?

Is it better to talk about this truth, or not to talk about it?

Actually, there is nothing wrong with "reasoning" itself. What makes children reject "reason" is the way we reason.

With a little reminiscence, we can find that:

When I or my children were young, I originally liked to listen to the elders tell stories and reason. There is also a natural belief in the words of parents.

Even if there is no obedience in behavior, the "truth" has long been heard.

Instead of giving up reasoning because "children don't listen", we should learn "how to reason well"——

Children are happy to hear these four "truths", but we rarely say them.

The truth of not disappointing the fun:

Don't say "but ......"

Instead, say "and......"

There is a technique in interpersonal communication called "affirmation first, then denial". It means that before making criticism, start with sincere praise, and then put forward suggestions for improvement.

This trick is often used by us on children:

"It's a good day, I put the dishes away, but next time I remember to wash the glasses too, it would be better. ”

"This semester has really improved, and my mother is really proud of you. However, it would be nice if you could work math as well. ”

That's gentle and tactful, isn't it?

But whenever there is praise, there must be a "but", which is very disappointing.

The child will either not buy it, or it will "blow up at a point".

This is because children are more sensitive than adults, and they care a lot about what their parents, teachers, etc. think of them.

Before hearing the "but", the child is happy and feels that he has finally been affirmed;

But as soon as I heard the "but", the good mood was swept away, and I began to doubt the speaker's intentions: was the previous praise sincere?

I even think, "You just praised me, just to introduce criticism later?"

We originally wanted to give encouragement, but in the eyes of the child, it became "dissatisfied", and he may not have listened to a word of specific advice.

What is the truth that children can really listen to?

Remember: don't take a twist, just go ahead!

You may wish to replace "but" with "and" and "try:

"Today is good, I put the dishes away, which means that I have a sense of "returning"! (Moreover), with this awareness, my mother believes that you can remember to clean and put back the cups you have drunk and eaten in the future. ”

"This semester's grades have really improved, which shows that you are serious and hardworking!(And), as long as we continue to maintain this attitude, my mother believes that even the math grades you are most afraid of can also be improved. ”

In "The Weakness of Human Nature", it is said that the most effective way to correct the mistakes of others is to indirectly arouse the attention of others to their mistakes.

The purpose of education is never to expose or criticize.

Reasoning should also be guided positively, and the point should be stopped.

When your child has both positive feelings and correct cognitions, he can move in the direction you expect.

Reinterpreting the truth:

Don't say "you don't want to ......"

It's about saying "why ......"

According to a foreign survey, children aged 2-10 will receive an instruction from their parents every 6-9 minutes on average.

That is, a child should listen to at least dozens, if not hundreds, of "you don't ......" and "you have to ......" a day.

Many of them, contradictory to each other.

Parents have limited energy, and when we tell us many times, but the children still don't listen, we are prone to "reason" in this simple and straightforward way.

However, developmental psychology research shows that if parents only set rules and do not explain the reason, in the long run, it is very detrimental to the physical and psychological development of children.

Because, such children are always being interrupted or scolded, and the brain loses a lot of opportunities for deep exploration and thinking.

He will fall into the frustration and confusion of "I can't do anything" and "I don't know what is right".

If there is indeed a problem with the child's behavior, shouldn't parents educate them?

McKinnon, a psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley, has launched a survey of "creative personality."

The survey found that the most creative group of people, the family education they received from an early age, the focus is not on establishing rules, but on explaining the truth.

Their parents will patiently and timely explain to their children the moral judgments and values behind the rules, and tell them why they are doing the right thing.

For example, it is not a superficial truth like casually saying "you don't want to - you don't waste your studies, you have to go to school hard, get a good university, and get a good job";

Instead, I will take the time to sort out my cognition of "going to school", and then find the right time to talk to my child about "why" -

"School is a condensation of social life, we go to school, not only to learn knowledge, but also to experience, what we have to learn is how to interact with others, how to improve ourselves, how to overcome difficulties...... In this way, we really gain the ability to survive in society. ”

This kind of "reasoning" is not to restrain children's behavior, but to tell them why they need to do what they need to do and what the "principle" behind the behavior is.

When a child understands the intentions of his parents and understands the values and moral judgments behind the rules, he can manage himself through internal order.

This kind of "reasoning" seems to be very laborious, but it has a more long-term effect.

In the future, even without parental reminders or external rules, children will be able to try to keep their behavior and cognition consistent.

Lead by example:

Don't say "you should ......"

Instead, say "I should ......"

I have always been "stubborn" since I was a child, and I was often reprimanded by my parents for "having a bad temper", "not being able to accept criticism", and "not reflecting on my mistakes".

This may be a "problem" that many teenagers also have, and are even considered to be unable to listen to reason.

As an adult, I was trapped in this contradictory state of "shame + anger" for a long time, which was "I was stressed when I heard criticism" and "I couldn't admit my mistakes calmly".

But there is a saying, like magic, that has changed this state of mind.

That's – "I should".

At one point, I was writing. My mother-in-law was stewing a pot of beef on the stove and was going out to run errands, so she asked me to set an alarm clock for her and turn off the heat after the stew was done.

I said yes right away, but when the alarm went off, I completely forgot what I was going to do.

As a result, the pot of beef continued to burn until the pot was blackened and the beef was stewed into dried charcoals;

It wasn't until my mother-in-law came back and shouted what a room smelled mushy that I was shocked!

This matter, placed in a scene that I am familiar with, should be scolded:

"I told you, what are you doing?"

"There are dozens of dollars in a pot of beef, and you have ruined them all!"

"Set the house on fire, and you'll be fine......"

And I may also find various reasons to argue:

"Forget what I can do!"

"Why do you blame me for everything?"

But at that time, I clearly remember that my mother-in-law only said with a little regret:

"Oh, you're busy, I should have turned off the fire and gone out. ”

Then, he began to clean up the pot and comfort me. There is not a hint of reproach.

I was very shaken by this reaction.

Because, for the first time, I made a mistake and heard not "you should...", but "I should...".

Obviously, I made a mistake, but my mother-in-law was the first to "review" herself.

At that time, I changed my previous "tough mouth" and immediately apologized:

"No, no, no, it's my fault, I actually forgot it, it's too undeserved, it's too dangerous. Good thing you're back. It's a shame that you're such a good pot of beef. I'll be sure to add a reminder next time I set an alarm. ”

Dale Carnegie, a well-known psychologist and founder of interpersonal education, said:

"If you humbly admit that you are not impeccable before criticizing others, then it will not be difficult for others to accept criticism when they hear it. ”

Making mistakes can easily make children feel angry and ashamed of themselves, and if this emotion is not appeased first, it will be difficult for children to focus on themselves, let alone think rationally.

If, at this time, there are still people standing on the moral high ground and unceremoniously criticizing, accusing or suggesting, it is undoubtedly adding insult to injury.

At this time, even if the truth is correct, it will be difficult for the child to use it, and on the contrary, he will take the "truth" as an "attack" and resist it.

The sentence "I should...", is both comforting: how normal it is to make mistakes. You see, I also have things that I haven't done well......

It is also an example: admitting mistakes and reflecting on deficiencies is not a shameful thing.

We have a lot more life experience and work experience than children, but we forget it when we go by.

Always use your current perspective, judgment, and standards to ask your children:

"You should be tolerant", "You should be empathetic", "You should learn to reflect"......

But think back, what were we doing/thinking when we were teenagers?

Use empathy to treat children with leniency, and use your own behavior to influence children.

This is the reasoning of words and deeds.

At this time, you don't have to explain everything, and the child will get closer to the character you show.

The principle of alignment of direction:

Don't say "I want ......"

Instead, ask "...... do you want"

Ralph Waldo Emerson was a famous American thinker, philosopher, and writer.

One day, Emerson and his son wanted to herd a calf into the barn.

The two of them discussed, one pushing in the back and the other pulling in the front.

But after tossing for a long time, the calf straightened his legs and refused to leave the pasture.

At this time, the Irish maid in the family saw the dilemma of the father and son. She walked over and ended the stalemate with just one gesture -

She put a finger in the calf's mouth and gently led it into the barn as she let it suck.

We often complain that children are sometimes as "stubborn" as calves, and if you ask him to go east, he prefers to go west.

Actually, we have what we think, and children have what children think.

For example, we just want our child to behave properly, but we don't know that he is asking for our attention when he tosses so much;

We just want our child to quit his mobile phone, but we don't know that he can't meet our requirements, can't learn, and is also miserable and helpless.

The Irish maid didn't have the depth of Emerson's thoughts, nor did Emerson express them, but her genius lay in knowing what the calf wanted.

In The Weakness of Human Nature, it says, "There is only one way to influence others, and that is to talk to them about what they think in their hearts, and to tell them how to get it." ”

When reasoning with our children, we often express "we want", but rarely really care about "what the child wants".

Only by letting go of this habitual thinking and listening more to what children think can we turn the stalemate "hope" into "we and our children share hope".

We can be reasonable, but we also allow children not to listen

After this article is sent, there will definitely be a message from friends:

"Hey, I've tried all these methods, but they didn't work, and the child didn't listen at all. ”

One of the biggest misunderstandings of reasoning is that whether children listen or not is the only goal of reasoning.

I think that when I talk about it, I must persuade the child, and I must promote the child's change.

But have you ever been alert:

Do we really know more than children?

The truth has such a great impact on children, we are wrong, what should we do?

I have thought about these questions for a long time, and I would like to share my thoughts with you:

1. As parents, we need to realize that before our children ask for help, reasoning comes down to our own needs.

2. We can't guarantee that what we know will be correct. Children are closer to the future than we are.

What we can do for our children is to be fully prepared for our own "truth" -

It's not a big truth that comes out casually, but it really has thinking, learning, and experience, otherwise it's better not to say it.

3. The real purpose of reasoning is to provide children with a new way of cognition and thinking.

As for whether the child listens or not, that's the child's business.

What is more important than obedience is that the child has his own thoughts and judgments.

4. All techniques and methods will only work when they are sincere.

As parents, we need a kind of courage:

We can be reasonable, but we also allow children not to listen.

When we abide by this principle, we will be able to communicate freely with our children without limiting our own cognition and hindering their development.

We should cherish the window period of sowing seeds as parents, but we must also understand:

Someday, the child will be so independent that he doesn't need to be arranged;

One day, no matter how uneasy we may be, they will have their own destiny in their own hands!