Haizi is 60 years old this year

Written by Sheng Fu Word Count: 3121

Haizi, a contemporary poet. Formerly known as Zha Haisheng, he was born in Huaining County, Anhui Province. Haizi, who was born in 1964, is 60 years old this year, if he is still alive.

However, 35 years ago today, Haizi chose to commit suicide by lying on the rails, and his life was fixed at the age of 25. At that time, when I was in junior high school, I was still so ignorant, cowardly, and ignorant.

Bust of Haizi (Anhui Huaining Chawan, Autumn 2017)

The first time I knew Hai Zi was when I heard it by chance on a radio program, it was an ordinary evening in Huizhou, and I read Hai Zi's poem for the first time: "I have a house, facing the sea, and the spring flowers are blooming", and I liked this poem, and I got to know this person through poetry. When I learned that the poet had died at such a young age, and that he had committed suicide, I was very shaken.

When I knew that Haizi's home was not far from my home, only more than 70 kilometers, in the autumn of 2017, when I returned to my hometown, I deliberately rode a motorcycle to Chawan to visit Haizi's former residence.

I still remember that day. Winter wheat shows inch-long young seedlings, and the tips of the seedlings are crystal clear. When I arrived at Chawan, I saw Haizi's former residence. Visited the Haizi Memorial Hall next to the former residence. In front of the memorial hall, there is Haizi Poetry Square, there is a half-length stone statue of Haizi on the square, Haizi faces the blue sky and smiles. Haizi's eldest brother, Zha Shuming, took the key to open the door for me, and when he left, he bought a copy of "Haizi's Poems". Later, I thought that I should ask Zha Shuming more, after all, it is Haizi's relatives. What do you ask? Why did Haizi commit suicide? At that time, I felt that it was difficult to speak. Besides, do relatives understand Haizi?

Worship the tomb of Haizi. Haizi's tomb is opposite the former residence, separated by a field, and is repaired in the tomb of the Cha family. But the tomb of Haizi is on the other side of the spectrum. On an autumn afternoon, the yellow pine leaves fell on the hillside, the weeds withered, and I was alone, very quiet, the environment seemed lonely, and even a little panicked. In front of Haizi's tomb there is a stone that he carried back from Tibet, or a statue of a god is carved. I don't know why Hai Zi wanted to carry a stone statue back? I don't know if there is a taboo in this move? There is a small square next to the tomb, and on a semicircular wall is written the words of remembrance of Hai Zi.

To this day, nostalgia for Haizi is still stuck on two issues. One is Hai Zi's talent, because of his poems, and the other is Hai Zi's death, why did he commit suicide?

There are several theories on the Internet about Haizi's suicide.

For love, love fails. It can be concluded that Haizi has been in love several times, but during his lifetime, none of them achieved positive results. This cannot but be said to be a contusion, or an encouragement, a scar. Fragile people, because of falling out of love, will feel that they have nothing to love, and even in the future, they will have a shadow on love.

Because of the practice of qigong, he went crazy, and because of the poet's personality and temperament, he was depressed.

And I was thinking that he must have been unhappy and unhappy when he committed suicide. A person who lives happily and happily will not commit suicide.

Why is Haizi unhappy? Is it because he can't achieve his pursuit in real life, but he can't surpass it? Is he trapped in pain and torture and unable to help himself? Is it because no one understands him, no one helps him out of the predicament and is free?

I subjectively believe that Haizi's parents, younger brother, and the people closest to him do not necessarily understand Haizi more than us. Even, there is not much communication. Haizi's friends are not very clear. But I think that friends are friends after all, and they cannot be replaced or solved. In terms of love, there is no one who loves him, he has a love object, but the other party does not necessarily love him, even if he loves him, he can't be together. A person's body and mind must always have some sustenance. Therefore, Haizi is lonely and miserable. Choosing suicide is extreme, but also courageous. The real reason, I think, only Haizi himself knows.

There is a phenomenon, or tendency, that poets and writers have a higher chance of committing suicide. Such as Gu Cheng, Lao She, Sanmao, Gomai, Wang Guowei, Yasunari Kawabata, Yukio Mishima, Osamu Dazai, etc., of course, there is no survey data, no scientific basis, this is only a few. And many poets and writers live well, and they die normally. So, a few don't tell the story. Every individual is different. Perhaps, this is called fate.

If Haizi hadn't committed suicide, wouldn't he have lived well with his talent? Extraordinary talent, personal feeling, in comparison, in the face of real life survival skills, is not better than the average person.

Haizi's Former Residence (Autumn 2017)

Haizi went to Tibet twice during his lifetime. They were in the summers of 1986 and 1988. The second time was to Tibet by train, passing through Delingha, and going to Delingha.

I've also been to Tibet twice, Lhasa to be exact. It was in the spring of 2019 and the fall of 2020. Because of Haizi, he paid special attention to Delingha. I also remember clearly that the first time I went, the train passed through Delingha in the middle of the night, everyone rested, the train was very quiet, except for the sound of the train and the wind, there was only the silence of the night. At that time, the train stopped for a moment, and soon it started again. The stay was very short. The moment the train stopped, I was very tired, but I still looked in the direction of Delingha, and there was a deep and boundless darkness outside, and I couldn't see anything, except for a lamp near the platform that was blown and shaken by the wind, and the light was dazzling.

The second time, I decided to go and see Delingha. So on the way back, I got off at Delingha Station. It was dawn when I got off the bus, it was not yet dawn, and the crescent moon hung high. The train station is very small, and it is still as quiet as it was the first time, not like a train station, but like walking into an empty workshop after work. There were a few taxis waiting for passengers parked outside the station, like lonely ghosts waiting for the opportunity to find fellow travelers.

Because of Haizi's visit, Delingha built the Haizi Poetry Exhibition Hall, which is on the bank of the Bayin River. Many people go to Delingha, just like me, because of Haizi. Visiting the Delingha Haizi Poetry Exhibition Hall is missing the solemnity and sadness of visiting Haizi's former residence and memorial hall. I felt a strangeness, and a sense of pride that was inappropriate. In this desolate city, in such a remote plateau, the venue specially built for Haizi, I am proud of Anhui people and proud of Haizi.

The water of the Bayin River is particularly green, clear to the bottom, without impurities, and follows it to the upstream reservoir. In the middle of the loess barren on both sides, there is a green belt, which looks very fake, not like river water, like molten iron poured on the mold groove, and I can't believe my eyes. I think Haizi must have walked by the banks of the Bayin River, and I wonder what he felt when he saw the river, why did he come to Delingha? According to the poem "Diary", it may have been for the sake of "sister", where Haizi fell in love with a married woman who was also a poet. However, such love is destined to be fruitless, and such love is destined to be painful. I thought that when love meets real life, it is extremely fragile and vulnerable. How beautiful love is! However, behind love is a cruel and ugly reality. I also understood why there are talented people and poor people.

The memorial wall next to Haizi's tomb

Today, Haizi's suicide reminds me of life and death. Every day, just like today, in the vast world, there are living, some dead, and some have been dead for many years, and there are us who are alive - great pretentious ants.

Think of time. At the beginning, Haizi was like a poet, 35 spring and autumn seasons have passed, and now, 60 years old, has also become the age of the elderly.

Therefore, I feel that life is a process, a state, and life is only a period of time. This made me think again, and I thought about the question that I still didn't understand many times: What is the purpose of living, and what is the meaning and value of living?

Perhaps, if you think it has value and meaning, it will have value and meaning, and if you want to pursue its value and meaning, it will have value and meaning. Otherwise, it has no value. You can live as much as you want, and it's a lifetime to live as you want. However, it is impossible for a person to be numb for a day when he lives, and he is always pursuing the value and meaning of life for himself, and at the same time, pain will follow.

I have reason to believe, even if there is no reason, I have to conclude that Haizi was unhappy and unhappy when he was alive, and this is the main reason for his suicide.

He's not happy, he's living in contradictions.

Reading his poem "From tomorrow, be a happy person", it seems that you can feel a little clue.

"From tomorrow" seems to be full of hope and expectation, but in fact it is contradictory. Why from tomorrow and not from now? Because you can't do it now, because you are now entangled in mundane affairs, because you are depraved now, so you put your hopes and hope in tomorrow, and are determined to change yourself and change reality from tomorrow. However, as soon as the day dawns, the discovery does not change, and at the end of the day, it is only a repetition of yesterday. That tomorrow is always on the way to tomorrow. And so, the bad cycle begins. Either way, from tomorrow onwards there will be an overlap of hope and disappointment. It's either life or death. Since life cannot be happy, death is not a fulfilling pursuit. Of course, Haizi is not me, and I can't be extreme.

Today, March 26, Yu Haizi, for a man who died at such a young age, is a sad thing anyway.

Delingha Haizi Poetry Museum (2020.9)

Let's read Haizi's three poems again:

1. I want to be a loyal son and a material lover in the distance...... In the face of the great river, I am infinitely ashamed, I have wasted my years, I am tired, and like all poets who take dreams as horses, the years are fleeting and there is not a drop left. - "Dream as a Horse"

2. Be a happy person from tomorrow. Feed the horses, chop wood, and travel the world. From tomorrow, care about food and vegetables. I have a house facing the sea, and the spring flowers are blooming—— "Facing the sea, the spring flowers are blooming"

3. In the spring, all ten seas were resurrected. In the bright scenery, laugh at this savage and sad Haizi. What are you sleeping for so long?, in the spring, the ten seas roared lowly. Dancing and singing around you and me. Rip your black hair and ride you away, dusty. The pain of your splitting pervades the earth. In the spring, the savage and vengeful Haizi. This one, the last one, is left. This is the son of the night, immersed in winter, obsessed with death. Can't extricate himself, he loves the empty and cold countryside. The grain there was piled up high, obscuring the windows. Half of them are used for the mouth, food and stomach of a family of six. Half is used for agriculture, they reproduce themselves. Gales blew from east to west, from north to south, ignoring night and dawn. What do you mean by the dawn?—— "Spring, All Ten Seas Are Resurrected"

Inside the Delingha Haizi Poetry Exhibition Hall

Delingha Station

Bayin River

Night view of Bayin River

A corner of Delingha is filmed on the hill behind Hercynian Park

Prayer flag hunting on the back mountain