It's been a few years since I got divorced, and my ex-husband still wants to use the children to squeeze me dry

@一片飘零无法自在落地的落叶

Hello Big J,

I divorced when my child was about two years old, and considering that my father's side was a more suitable environment for children, I didn't take custody.

In the beginning, my children and I met several times a week, and in the past two or three years, the children basically came to stay with me after dinner, and basically stayed with me on weekends;

In the past few years, I have bought 2/3 of the children's clothes, and the training fee is basically spent by me (at the end of the previous year, I only won 1 year from his father), and I have been giving the child's maintenance fee for the past few years (the cost is really not much), and I also bought an insurance for the child.

Originally, I thought that this way of getting along was for the good of the child, and I did it well, but when I came to someone's father, "What is it to take the child to memorize more than 100 poems, what is the great thing about taking the child to read and write, and taking the child out to travel is to make the child realize the gap and make him more inferior." ”

He wants me to spend more money and put more effort into my children, and the more the better.

I now feel that my thoughts of not wanting to treat my children badly before were used by the other party to squeeze me more, and some foul language from the other party made me a little broken inside, and I became tired when I went to pick up the child.

People around me said, I am completely giving up my self-esteem for my children, I pay so much, others will not read your good, I don't care about the baby, the other party will care, I do, of course, others are happy not to do it, and they will think that I am cheap, but more inches.

I don't think that if I don't care, the other party will take care of the child, but during this time, I am so tired in my own heart, and I have spent most of my money and energy on the child. As a result, the child is also very naughty and tossed, my conditions and resources are not as good as the other party, and the child may not necessarily miss my efforts when he grows up......

My parents couldn't stand it, and my friends persuaded me to keep more for my children in the future, but I was afraid of delaying my children's education.

I felt like I was walking on a single-plank bridge, I couldn't see a way out, and sometimes I felt so tired. But I don't want to give up when I get to such a state, I persuade myself to leave it at that, I don't want to go to the future, and I want to go all the way to the dark! But I'm so tired and helpless, I just want to hear other people's opinions.

Dear Little Leaf,

Live your life the way you want! Well, that's what I want to say to you.

Someone must have said to you: You are all divorced, why are you still being led by the nose by an ex-husband? Why do you have to run to pay for the children he raised?

But that would make you feel a sigh of relief, and even more so about myself.

So we have to change the sentence: dear little leaf, you live the way you want.

As a mother, if you want to take care of your children, take care of them.

You don't want to fill most of your income and energy into it because you're too tired to pay. Then don't fill it in. What is the amount of money and energy that you are willing to put into making you happy, for example, 30%, then you put in 30%;

If you think you have to work hard to be a good mother, well, well, 35%;

You must be worried, if I only pay 30%, the baby is not enough, and the unreliable ex-husband can't wait for me to buy a pair of underwear for the baby, how can he be willing to pay for the child to make up for all the needs of the baby?

Xiao Yezi, the sentence of satisfying all the needs of the baby is a false proposition, and there is no upper limit to the investment in raising a baby. If you really squeeze yourself into the scum and fill it in, and then squeeze your ex-husband dry and fill it in, you can still say that "all the needs of the child are not met".

So, just meet the needs that you can meet.

This advice is not only for you, but also for single mothers after divorce, and for all families raising children.

Do what we can to meet what we can.

Many people will misunderstand the "within your ability" and think that if I earn 100 and spend 100 yuan, it is within my ability; no, you still have to eat, drink and have fun yourself! Yes, have fun! Everything you need as a person to keep yourself in good shape is important, including having fun and dressing up.

When you earn 100 yuan, of which 30 yuan is paid to your children, so that you feel comfortable and happy, then pay this 30 yuan, which is enough.

When you feel that you can still bear it by gritting your teeth and going to another training class and spending 50, it's okay, I'll cheer you on;

But if your teeth are crushed, and your life is so painful that you feel like crossing a single-plank bridge, then it is absolutely absolutely not a good parenting, and you even start to think that this stinky child will not miss me well when he grows up.

Then don't make yourself like this, the child is not a depriver, he does not mean to hurt his mother, the mother is unhappy, and the child will not become a talent because he has taken a few more training classes.

The educational resources of any family are limited (the rich probably won't read my article), so we don't have to force ourselves to spend more money and energy to throw it in, but should think, since I only have these 30 yuan, I only have so much time and energy, then, where is the most critical place?

Try your best to grasp the key, and half of the rest is up to God, and half of the children have the final say.

I don't know if your ex-husband is deliberately squeezing you, but I know that people are selfish, and even if he does it on purpose, it's not surprising.

I know why you feel oppressed but are willing to endure it, because you are a mother, and you keep telling yourself that mothers should pay for their children.

Yes, mom should pay for the child, but this is at most the second priority, and the first priority is yourself, my dear little leaf.

You can decide to divorce, you can decide how much money and energy you spend to raise your children, you can decide whether you want to scold your ex-husband today, or sneer at his stench face......

Live your life the way you want!

2

Linda

Dear Big J, there are two things I would like to confide in you:

One is parenting, and my teammates and I have disagreements on parenting.

The second is about the family and oneself.

Since I was a child, my father was very strict with me, and whenever I made a mistake, he scolded and criticized, which led to my introverted personality and always afraid of making mistakes.

After becoming a mother myself, I would love to avoid these situations, but I have a pig teammate:

Now the baby is too young, I don't let him watch TV and mobile phones, the baby is always curious to catch it, and his teammates think it's okay, it's a toy for the baby.

But there are some older children around me, three or four years old, playing with mobile phones all day long, crying if they don't let them play, I think this has something to do with their parents, he doesn't think so, and he also thinks it's not good to be addicted to this, but it's not a matter of taking it seriously when it comes to his baby.

There are a few other similar things, I think he also knows badly, but still like this, one is not impressed, and the other is that he seems to be deliberately trying to disagree with me.

There will definitely be such problems in the future, what should I do?

There is one more thing, I don't know how to speak.

More than 40 days after the birth of the child, I noticed that my teammate seemed to be closer to a woman outside.

I accidentally saw the chat history on his phone, my husband used to get up at 6 o'clock in the morning to see off the woman at the airport, but told me that he was going to work;

I couldn't help but ask him about it, and he said it was the one we danced with, and then he didn't answer any of my questions.

It wasn't until the child's 100-day banquet that he went to play cards again after lunch, and I was on fire at the time, but my husband ignored me and left. Including me sending a text message to ask, why did the child go out for 100 days, and what was the relationship between the woman before. He didn't reply either.

We never talked about it again, but my mind changed completely.

I thought about divorce. But I haven't worked at home since I was pregnant, and my baby is still breastfeeding, so I can't find a job. I'm at the end of 80 again, and I'm about to turn 44 this year, how can I find a job to support myself and my children?

I've thought about short videos, new media, and audiobook actors, but I don't dare to participate in various paid trainings for fear of being cut leeks.

Now I am very annoyed with him, I feel that there is no love, and there are a few things that his attitude makes me very sad, and I myself have a much worse attitude towards him than before, and he should be able to feel it.

I am very worried that this kind of loveless family, or even a divorced single-parent family, will affect the life of this little doll in my arms......

Big J is all for you today, and I hope you can help me analyze it, and I want to hear your suggestions.

I want to hug Linda tightly:

Linda, an elderly mother who is still breastfeeding, has worked hard.

It is really not an easy task for a 43-year-old breastfeeding mother to toss about where to start her next career, short videos and audio dramas seem to be possibilities, but I don't recommend anyone to make important choices when they are not in a good state.

The starting point and the end point of solving all problems is whether it is feasible in my own state.

So, Linda, let's let go of these bad things and do something that will make you feel better. If you can make you happier by getting rid of the baby for most of the day and chatting with your girlfriends, then do it.

There is no antidote to many distressing diseases in life, but there is a master key - that is, the person concerned himself is in good condition and good mentality;

How can I make myself in a good state - from this moment on, I can do whatever I want, and don't do what I don't want to do.

If you are not favored by others, you will spoil yourself yourself. When your energy slowly recovers, you can naturally find the answer when you look back at the troubles in front of you.

Let's talk about the parenting controversy.

As I read your text, I remembered that Little D had just been discharged from the hospital, and I held her all night after night, exhausted and panicked.

There will definitely be friends who say: How come, Big J, what a reliable husband your teammates are, your relationship has always been so good.

A reliable husband will also "deliberately" go against his wife, because he thinks in his heart that you are not right.

Like what:

If a lactating baby takes an adult's mobile phone to play, will it definitely lead to addiction to mobile phones in the future?

Can you still smash all the phones in the world?

Even in this home, in this room, can you really prohibit everyone from looking at the phone in front of the baby or let the baby get the phone?

In the hearts of straight men, this is not possible at all, but if they argue, the wife will not accept it, then there are only two ways, either perfunctory "I pretend to listen to you", or "I just don't listen to you".

Hey, big J, are you talking for the big pig's trotters, which means that your mother's request is wrong?

No, I'm saying that the crux of the problem is not the phone, the crux of the problem is the anxiety in the mother's heart.

The sentence "The baby is still young, it's okay" in the husband's mouth can't comfort the anxiety and worry in the mother's heart, especially a mother who is still breastfeeding.

He didn't realize that there were so many knots in his wife's heart that needed to be opened, and I guess the wife probably didn't realize it herself, and she didn't tell her husband that this was me who needed help, that I needed to unravel.

If I realize that I need help, I need emotional value, I need support, then my husband can't give it, we can also try other ways, other people, relatives, friends, reading, and this little tree hole......

And what about "suspected cheating"?

This is unforgivable! The wife has clearly said: You should not go out for 100 days, and you should not hook up with the woman on the Internet, but the husband is indifferent.

Such a husband and marriage make the lactating mother feel "very annoying to him and no love", which is too understandable and empathetic.

My suggestion is to put aside this "unlove" for the time being, and don't speculate and worry about whether my husband is really cheating, and whether he will file for divorce one day, so that I and my children have no support

- If these thoughts make you anxious, then don't think like this yet, even if it is a brief escape to find your state and source of power, it is more important than finding out the truth immediately.

Of course, there are some brave women around us who may immediately start preparing for battle, checking family assets, consulting a divorce lawyer, gathering evidence of infidelity – but only if doing it makes you better, not worse.

Finally, I must do my duty as a media person to popularize science, and remind dear Linda that because of the ups and downs of hormone secretion during lactation, women's emotions may be greatly affected, and in serious cases, they may suffer from postpartum depression.

I wrote this little essay on a spring night.

Both stories are not so happy, but if we look deep through the fog of anger and helplessness, we can definitely see the seeds of strength buried in the hearts of these two mothers.

Ye Zi has no custody rights, but she loves her child hard;

Linda's marriage seems to be embattled, but she knows very clearly that I have to be independent to speak of the future;

Winter is over, my dear friends, spring is coming, let the seeds of "be yourself" germinate and grow, and grow into a towering tree.

There are many problems that cannot be solved at the moment, and you can naturally find the way by walking.