In a marriage relationship, do you often feel tempted to say these things to your partner:
Why can't you understand my feelings?
Why can't you be a little patient with me?
Why can't you see my hard work for you and this family?
If you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me
……
If so, it means that you have too much expectation of your partner, and all the pain and internal friction in your marriage comes from too much expectation.
There is a passage in "Intimacy": When you first start falling in love, expectation is the road to hell.
Because expectations block out loving feelings such as acceptance and freedom, if I can't accept people as they are, or don't let them go their own way, then I don't really love them.
I just want to get satisfaction from them, and the purpose of having an intimate relationship with them is not for love, but to satisfy our little selfish needs.
Why do we expect too much from our partners?
If you want to know why we have expectations, you must first understand why we are in love.
You can recall why you chose this person in the first place, whether it was because you mistakenly thought that he was the only one who could make up for the sense of belonging and worth that you lacked in childhood.
In childhood, we will more or less feel neglected or neglected by our parents, especially when our parents beat and scolded or persecuted us, which will leave a shadow during the period of our imperfect psychological development.
Because we don't feel enough of belonging and worth, we think that our parents don't love us enough.
Therefore, in adulthood, they will hope to gain the love, value and sense of belonging that were missing in childhood in intimate relationships.
Therefore, we always crave to be loved, recognized, and respected in our marriages.
If we don't get this, we will have dissatisfaction, complaints and even resentment, and these emotions are the biggest source of internal friction.
So how do you not put the emotions you lacked in childhood on your partner!
Since this emotional damage comes from childhood, it is necessary to return to childhood to heal yourself and allow yourself to be filled with love again.
To do this, you need to let go of your childhood resentment towards your parents, and don't take being beaten or ignored by your parents in your childhood as evidence that your parents don't love you.
It's possible that you're a parent now, too. Just imagine, in the face of children's naughtiness and frequent troubles, we will inevitably not beat and scold our children because of anger and anger, but it does not mean that we do not love our children.
Back when we were young, although our parents occasionally ignored or scolded us because they were busy making ends meet, it didn't mean that they didn't love us.
On the contrary, it is precisely because of love that fear and worry are born, and if this emotional processing cannot be expressed in the right way, it will cause psychological shadows for us at an early age.
This proves that our parents care about and love us very much, and we must understand their situation from the heart, maybe they just don't have such good conditions to learn now, so the way our parents love us is always from a personal perspective.
However, there is no doubt that they must love us.
Therefore, we should be grateful to our parents from the bottom of our hearts, and thank our parents for giving us life and raising us to grow up healthy.
Only when we are grateful to our parents from the bottom of our hearts can we give birth to love from the bottom of our hearts, and we can feel that we have been loved since we were young and that there is no lack of love.
So, when you can feel that you are not lacking in these loves, you are an independent individual who has the ability to pursue happiness.
Therefore, you don't need to get some extra attention and recognition from your partner, so that you don't expect too much from your partner and don't cling to your partner to survive, because you can get all these things from yourself, and you can become very strong inside.
Only when you become an independent soul can you look at the marriage relationship with an equal and mature attitude, so as to have a truly healthy marriage relationship, and then get nourishment and happiness from the marriage relationship.
The above is all of Tian Tian's sharing today, thank you for reading, liking and sharing.
I am a stay-at-home mother who has been able to get rid of the internal friction of 8 years of marriage by reading and introspection, and I continue to focus on sharing dry content about [female growth + marital emotion], hoping that we can all get closer and closer to happiness, work together, and continue to meet!
About the Author:
92 years of self-media entrepreneur, insisted on getting up early to read and study for 4 years;
Although the starting point is low, we still try our best to grow upward, passing warmth and strength;
Women's growth, marital emotion, reading and sharing.
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